Soupy2fly

Thank you for the reply. It def feels better to know that I'm not suffering alone. Part of my issue has been thinking that 4 months progress should be improving and not declining. But I know that this process is a hard one. I miss adderall so much but frankly the thought of redoing this shit makes me never want to go back. I tend to forget the low point prior to seeking treatment. I need to just keep pushing forward. Will make this appt today if it kills me! Thank you!!!

I have been spending most of the days googling, researching, trying to find anything online other than generic websites relating to my struggles with letting my beloved Adderall leave my life. Where has this website been this whole damn time?! Well, non the less, here you are. Please bear with me. This is probably the first time in a little while where I actually felt like participating in a conversation and would really love the opportunity to just type..vent..let it out and hopefully get some feedback to help me on this wild ride of a Adderall free lifestyle. I have been taking adderall everyday for about 4-5 years straight. My prescribed dose was 45mg a day. "Soupys" dose was more around 100-200 mgs a day. The abuse somewhat crept up on me. I am sure you can all relate to the mental obsessing.. "I need just a little extra today" kinda cycle. Towards the end, everything spiraled. Talk about mood swings, fear and paranoia, and even though I would pick up my 3month supply, by the time I made it to the parking lot I was already worried about running out. The last straw was a $850 purchase for my prescriptions and a intervention given by my boss and good friend. April 29th was the first day I stopped taking my Adderall. The next week was an exhausted, depressing blur of shit and frankly the fact I found the energy to brush my teeth at least a handful of times in that week was a feat I was pretty proud of! After that "Hell Week", I enrolled myself into a 28 day treatment program focusing on Alcoholics Anonymous. It was one of the hardest months of my life but I got through it. Although difficult, the next month I pushed through. I was pretty excited that I was able to actually hit the gym without Adderall. I could still lift weights, I could work, I could laugh without it. Don't get me wrong, those simple everyday tasks were nothing like they used to be, but the fact that I could physically do them was a celebration in itself. Prior to quitting, I didn't even think waking up was possible without my medicine. So its been 4 months or so. And my report has changed drastically. I find myself incredibly exhausted pretty much all the time. No spurt of energy. No excitement. I wake up mad at the world. Mad that I actually woke up another day. I hate my job. I ignore all of my friends. My bills. My life as a whole. I used to love the gym. Loved everything about it and you had to force me to take a day off. Now, I just cant seem to go. Driving to the gas station, taking a shower, takes so much out of me that I just feel like I am in the darkest hole. I don't recall ever feeling this depressed in my life. I was off work today. I forced myself to go to the gym, the store, visit my dad, cook for my son. But I'm basically a zombie just passing through the day. I feel alone and lost. Adderall made me incredibly happy. When my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I used Adderall to give her 24/7 care. I used it to be very successful in my job. I used it to help me be a super Single-mom. Now, I don't seem to do much of anything right. Hard on myself. Negative. I was never like this before. And typing this I realize I probably sound like the most depressing debbie downer. I just want to enjoy life, enjoy work, and actually answer the phone when my friends call. I feel selfish for not being there for them the way I know they want to be there for me to. I just can't talk to anyone. I don't want to be here but I don't want to go anywhere either. Most of all, I really want to be better for my son. I'm a single mom. The only person he has. All financial stress, living, worry, school, is on me. And I find myself thinking so much about the future or my situation so negatively..its just not like ME to not be able to find a mental way out of a head trip like this but I can't find a fucking way out. Can anyone give me any feedback? I know that I probably should make a appt to get on some depression medication to help me through this time. But even the thought of making that call wears me down so bad. I just don't know if this is normal perhaps? If this will find its way out of me so I can be happy again? I apologize for the rambling. I know this is probably a jumbled amount of info and feelings. But I figured if I actually have the desire to type all of this out, I should just run with it. In advance, thanks for hearing me out. I needed it.