Coming Clean

[LILTEX41]

Guys,

 

I feel awful. I have not had a good couple months.  Some crappy stuff happened in my personal life and I ended up relapsing.  I drank, was vulnerable, and someone gave me some Adderall.

 

I did make my 4 year mark.  I only took a few half pills.  I haven't lost the 4 years.  I am right back on the wagon.  In Smart I was taught to think of it like getting a flat tire.  Repaired it, never again, and  am back on track.

 

I am sad I slipped, but I am grateful I didn't have a doctor I could easily call and get a script. I started debating Concerta last week.  I did a cost benefit analysis and realized the potential for it to trigger me back into full swing addiction is too great.  I know I don't truly need it. I have done absolutely amazing without it.  As much as I think it would make my life easier, I realize the side effects, the zombie like state, losing my personality, and more than anything the potential for craving drugs and alcohol is too high.  It is NOT worth it.

 

I know all I really need to do is just make a daily plan and follow it.  I found a support group for ADD lead by an LCW and will attend soon.

 

Stay strong my friends and I feel better already getting this off my chest.

 

I know I am doing the right thing be staying clean.

 

Hugs!

[Zerokewl]

I know all I really need to do is just make a daily plan and follow it.  

 

I resemble this statement.  

[quit-once]

Sorry to hear you have been struggling, LilTex.  It sounds like you have done some soul searching regarding the causes of your struggles which is essential to getting it all worked out,  I hope you are getting some help or support for the issues in your life that led you to your small but substantial relapse.  Not only to Adderall but the alcohol too.  No matter how bad things may seem, they get even worse when substance abuse and (return to) addiction are thrown in the mix.  What's in your toolbox, LilTex?  I can think of several tools you already have that just need to be dusted off and used to fix that "flat tire".  Lets open that toolbox now.  You have your membership in this website and you have helped so many people over the years with your thoughtful posts and responses.  You also have your smart recovery group.  You have a new place to live away from Texas where your addiction flourished.  You have your faith and prayer.  You have your athletic body and the drive to train and work out.  Can you add any more items to this inventory? 

 

Regarding your ADHD support group, I don't know.  I have always thought that ADD was a bullshit diagnosis and the only time I believed in it was when I needed to justify my Adderall addiction.  Accepting that you have the symptoms and traits of ADHD is fine, especially if you can embrace them as a part of who YOU are as an individual.  But most folks with that "disorder" have turned to stimulants at some point in their life and stimulants make everybody feel better about everything, in the beginning.  Some people can take their meds for years without abusing or increasing their dosages, but we don't hear much from those kind of people around here because their lives haven't fallen apart from the addiction........yet.

 

((Hugs)) back to ya. LilTex, and I admire your strength to pick yourself back up and continue on with your life substance free, however difficult that may be.  I also admire your courage for coming here and coming clean.

[BeHereNow]

LilTex,

 

I think the flat tire analogy is so right on.   Relapses happen but the key is not to let it take you back into that darkness.  Just fix the flat and keep moving!!!  

 

I am incorporating that one into my anti-alcohol toolbox right now!

 

I'm sorry to hear you're having hard times right now but you and I both know that alcohol and adderall make these things worse... MUCH worse......as good of an idea as it seems at the time.

 

I've told you this again and again and I feel it even stronger than ever:  YOU LILTEX are one of my biggest heroes, even in this little relapse.  I can hear in your voice how strong you are, and how dedicated to this path of sobriety!!  YOU ARE AMAZING!!!  Seeing how you're coping with this, I admire you more than ever!!!!!!  

[hyper_critical]

LILTEX,

 

Thanks for sharing - you have been such an enormous source of strength for me. I'm sorry things have been so difficult lately.

 

Learning to effectively deal with the impact ADD has on my life is one of the most important elements to keeping me sober and happy now that I'm off Adderall. I need to consistently and proactively take steps to keep myself organized, and I need to be able to ask for help when I start to feel overwhelmed and can't quite figure out why. That happens a lot.

 

Otherwise, I don't give myself a break when I forget to do something important and end up feeling like shit and on and on until eventually I think "maybe I'm not good enough the way I am...I can't handle this life thing on my own...if only I had Adderall it would make things soooo much easier and eventually I'll be able to feel good about myself."

 

You know and I both know that's BS.

 

Thanks again for your honesty. Excited for you to get back on track : )

 

H-C

[LILTEX41]

You guys are the best.

[Cassie]

I'm really glad you posted this, Liltex. I've been feeling very 'relapsey' myself lately. I've been really tired and unmotivated at work (my job is very self directed, which is challenging) and feeling guilty that I haven't been getting much done the past few weeks. I feel like I'm letting my boss down, even though this is probably just in my head. I can't seem to get it together to start working on projects. Then, the other day, my husband made a comment about how I used to 'get shit done' on Adderall and how I didn't need as much sleep as I do now (I think I sleep a normal amount - I don't take naps or anything). When someone you love validates the drug somewhat, that's a huge setback. 

 

So, lately I've had strong cravings for Adderall, my first cravings in at least six months or so. I stick around here for the relapse stories. Nobody ever said, "I relapsed on Adderall, and I'm so happy I did!" When I get cravings for Adderall, it's a reminder to me that I'm still not over this addiction. I still get PAWS days from time to time. But, there's always another way to deal with shit. Meditation, diet, exercise, yoga, vitamins, just waiting it out. Drugs will only cripple your inner resources. Natural methods strengthen them. 

 

I don't think I could work from home like you do. That would be really triggery for me, to be isolated every day. That must be extremely difficult. So, I don't have much advice, just commiseration that life sucks sometimes and we get stuck in negative patterns that we used to remedy with speed. I can't wait for the day when it's been so long since I've taken an Adderall, I forget what the hell it even feels like. 

[LILTEX41]

Thank you Cassie.  This means a lot to me.

 

Even though I am going through a rough period right now, I know going back on that drug is not the answer and would never be even if hell froze over.  I feel bad for anyone that is addicted to it and can't get off it.  I am so lucky I don't have easy access to it, but even if I did I am in a better place now that I would turn it down.  My life means to much to me to roll the dice like that again.  I am blessed to be alive, healthy, have a good job, and not have any problems. 

 

You're right though.  Sometimes life sucks and it's hard, but I know my return to that drug would only cause significant damage.  What I take for granted right now could be easily stripped away.  A return to that addiction would be a severe setback in my life and I can simply not ever afford to take that risk again.  If we just keep trucking along the path of recovery things will slowly get better.  Feels like a snail pace at times, but in my case my life has only improved when I have been clean.  I guess what I realized in this past relapse was that I am not protecting my sobriety as good as I should be.  I want to believe I can handle talking to certain people and it won't effect me, but it does.  Certain people trigger me and as hard as it is I need to stay away from them. 

 

Does your husband support your recovery or does he just not get it?  It's hard to believe he would say something like that knowing how hard you've worked to stay away from it.  I really hope he didn't mean it and was just saying it in anger and frustration. Did you talk to him at all later on about what he said and how it made you feel?  I feel like it could be a good thing if you had a conversation about it and let him know that wasn't a cool thing to say then or ever. 

 

It's weird you mentioned the cravings.  I went through so many stages in since being clean.  There were many times when I just forgot about it.  And then there were times when I'd get triggered again. I think the biggest help has always been exercise.  Cardio mainly.  For me the more active I am the better I feel and don't want it. And yes working from home is kind of crazy in a way. I am trying to come up with a solution.  I think I am halfway there.    I will post about it once I know for sure.

 

Anyhow, it sure makes it easier to stay clean when you have your buddies still in the trenches of recovery with you!  You've helped me today from your support and I really appreciate it.

 

Take care!

[Cassie]

Thank you Cassie.  This means a lot to me.

 

Even though I am going through a rough period right now, I know going back on that drug is not the answer and would never be even if hell froze over.  I feel bad for anyone that is addicted to it and can't get off it.  I am so lucky I don't have easy access to it, but even if I did I am in a better place now that I would turn it down.  My life means to much to me to roll the dice like that again.  I am blessed to be alive, healthy, have a good job, and not have any problems. 

 

You're right though.  Sometimes life sucks and it's hard, but I know my return to that drug would only cause significant damage.  What I take for granted right now could be easily stripped away.  A return to that addiction would be a severe setback in my life and I can simply not ever afford to take that risk again.  If we just keep trucking along the path of recovery things will slowly get better.  Feels like a snail pace at times, but in my case my life has only improved when I have been clean.  I guess what I realized in this past relapse was that I am not protecting my sobriety as good as I should be.  I want to believe I can handle talking to certain people and it won't effect me, but it does.  Certain people trigger me and as hard as it is I need to stay away from them. 

 

Does your husband support your recovery or does he just not get it?  It's hard to believe he would say something like that knowing how hard you've worked to stay away from it.  I really hope he didn't mean it and was just saying it in anger and frustration. Did you talk to him at all later on about what he said and how it made you feel?  I feel like it could be a good thing if you had a conversation about it and let him know that wasn't a cool thing to say then or ever. 

 

It's weird you mentioned the cravings.  I went through so many stages in since being clean.  There were many times when I just forgot about it.  And then there were times when I'd get triggered again. I think the biggest help has always been exercise.  Cardio mainly.  For me the more active I am the better I feel and don't want it. And yes working from home is kind of crazy in a way. I am trying to come up with a solution.  I think I am halfway there.    I will post about it once I know for sure.

 

Anyhow, it sure makes it easier to stay clean when you have your buddies still in the trenches of recovery with you!  You've helped me today from your support and I really appreciate it.

 

Take care!

My husband is supportive. When he made that comment, he said he felt bad even mentioning it, but that's the way he feels sometimes (not overall). He doesn't want me back on it or anything. He was just being honest, and even though it was annoying, I can't really let what other people think affect me anyway. 

 

Cardio definitely helps. I try to walk for an hour on my lunch break every day, so even if I don't do any other exercise, at least I'm getting a long walk every day. I also took a couple Wellbutrin and that snapped me out of it. I thought it was PAWS but it was lasting over a week. I have a bottle of 100mg SR Wellbutrin left over from ages ago. I recognized my symptoms of depression that were getting worse. When I've had depression in the past (before Adderall), I lose my appetite, I'm fatigued and my muscles ache painfully, especially my shoulders. I also can't focus or concentrate. I took a half a Wellbutrin on Friday and Saturday and that helped the physical symptoms tremendously. I no longer have muscle aches, I can eat, and my concentration snapped back. So, I'll keep that bottle around in case this ever strikes again. Maybe that's something that could help you too, if you have those kind of depressive symptoms that lead to cravings. I haven't had a craving in so long - this random depressive episode triggered them. And just two days of 50mg of Wellbutrin made it go away. It worked almost instantly. 

 

Anyway, thanks for your support, and I hope you find a solution to the whole work from home thing!

[AlwaysAwesome]

Some people can take their meds for years without abusing or increasing their dosages, but we don't hear much from those kind of people around here because their lives haven't fallen apart from the addiction........yet.

Even at your prescribed dose...it will ruin you.  I am evidence of that.

 

Don't beat yourself up, LILTEX...you are still an inspiration to us all! 

[AlwaysAwesome]

 Then, the other day, my husband made a comment about how I used to 'get shit done' on Adderall and how I didn't need as much sleep as I do now (I think I sleep a normal amount - I don't take naps or anything). When someone you love validates the drug somewhat, that's a huge setback. 

OMG!  My husband has been telling me that I need to get my adderall back, too!  I am hurt by his lack of faith.  I am also afraid that I am becoming a caffeine addict, but so is everyone else in this country, so...

 

I can't wait for the day when it's been so long since I've taken an Adderall, I forget what the hell it even feels like. 

This is my favorite quote of the day!! 

[listful]

I'm really glad you posted this, Liltex. I've been feeling very 'relapsey' myself lately. I've been really tired and unmotivated at work (my job is very self directed, which is challenging) and feeling guilty that I haven't been getting much done the past few weeks. I feel like I'm letting my boss down, even though this is probably just in my head. I can't seem to get it together to start working on projects. Then, the other day, my husband made a comment about how I used to 'get shit done' on Adderall and how I didn't need as much sleep as I do now (I think I sleep a normal amount - I don't take naps or anything). When someone you love validates the drug somewhat, that's a huge setback.

So, lately I've had strong cravings for Adderall, my first cravings in at least six months or so. I stick around here for the relapse stories. Nobody ever said, "I relapsed on Adderall, and I'm so happy I did!" When I get cravings for Adderall, it's a reminder to me that I'm still not over this addiction. I still get PAWS days from time to time. But, there's always another way to deal with shit. Meditation, diet, exercise, yoga, vitamins, just waiting it out. Drugs will only cripple your inner resources. Natural methods strengthen them.

I don't think I could work from home like you do. That would be really triggery for me, to be isolated every day. That must be extremely difficult. So, I don't have much advice, just commiseration that life sucks sometimes and we get stuck in negative patterns that we used to remedy with speed. I can't wait for the day when it's been so long since I've taken an Adderall, I forget what the hell it even feels like.

My husband said the same thing to me in a roundabout way. That makes it so hard.

[Cassie]

My husband said the same thing to me in a roundabout way. That makes it so hard.

I didn't mean to imply in my post that my husband wants me to take adderall again. Our relationship was terrible on adderall and that was one of my main reasons for quitting. Things are great now and I don't think he meant any harm with that comment. Ask your husband about the positive changes. I'm sure he can name off a bunch of them!

[AlwaysAwesome]

I think that it is easy to romanticize the Adderall effects, sometimes.  No matter which side of the addiction you are on.  I told my husband how I felt and he apologized and said he didn't think about it when he said it.  It is hard on the significant other when you are constantly vocalizing in the beginning about how much you wish you could be back on it.   Mixed signals...