My Story - Adderall, Clonazepam and Zolpidem

[Gimpy]

I've been medicated since I was 12 years old. Antidepressants of all classes (SSRI's, SNRI's, etc.) have never worked for me. 

 

I'm 21 now--hooked on 60 milligrams of adderall IR, 2mg of clonazepam, and 10mg of Ambien. 

 

I've been taking the clonazepam for drug-induced anxiety for two years now. I felt a little slow from it, and talked with my doctor. Vyvance was his recommendation; first 30mg, then 40mg, then my doctor said it's worth a shot to try adderall--starting me on 50 milligrams. 

 

Yes, 50, and I'm sure most are aware that vyvance is nowhere equivalent to adderall's potency. Clearly my doctor got his PhD out of a crackerjack box, but since I'm an addict, I was fine with it--excited actually. I'm starting to ramble and will get to the point.

 

It's been one year now, and my life isn't what it used to be. Eventually I was boosted to 60mg, but that wasn't enough; I was running out of energy, wouldn't leave the house, etc. Don't ask how, but now I take 90-120mg to leave my room. I simply can't without it. I save the clonazepam for the crash, and take it all at the same time. Ambien is another friend that joined the group a couple months ago, which I must take for sleep or I'll be up until 5 a.m. (Like I am now). 

 

Adderall helped with my schoolwork, but I feel that I was taking so much that it turned into an OCPD sort of thing. The only fun I have now is if I'm alone; all I do is draw and write. I pretty much block everyone out of my life. My family, friends, and even my girlfriend don't know why I'm so antisocial. 

 

The thing is, I can't imagine my life without adderall. Like I read when I first checked out this site, I wonder who I would be right now if I wouldn't have taken that first pill. With my other two addictions (not including an immense amount of caffeine and nicotine) I know I need to quit adderall first (I can probably handle the ambien, but clonazepam withdrawal is hell). When I think about it, I imagine dropping out of school, losing my job, and permanently turning into a zombie.

 

I've probably spent 45 minutes on this post. So my only question is: Can anyone help me, or can anyone relate to this amphetamine/benzo/z-drug addiction I'm dealing with? I'll respond in the late-afternoon.. Thanks.

 

 

[Zerokewl]

Welcome Gimpy.   Sounds like you found one of the many useless doctors willing to prescribe whatever.  If you are looking to get clean this is a good place to start.  Take some time to read some of the articles and stories on this site.  

[IMSTAS]

I read your story and I totally understand your concerns about living without adderall-whether it's possible. About 7-8 years ago, I began taking vyvanse to treat ADHD. I went right for the gold and somehow convinced my doctor to start me off at 70mg. After all, I did have a high tolerance to substances and I should have been more careful because I also have a tendency towards addiction.

I took my medication as prescribed for maybe the first 2 years and then switched to adderall and when available, dextroamphetamine. My dose of adderall was for 80mg a day though I needed to increase my dosage every couple of months because I wasn't able to get the results that I had when I first began taking stimulants. Needless to say, I eventually reached a dosage of at least 320mg every single day (for 2+ years). When I think about it now, I am shocked that my heart continued to beat.

I cried every time I thought about quitting-I couldn't see how it was at all possible. It was sometimes difficult to keep myself supplied with such large amounts of medication so I was no stranger to the withdrawl that came when there was no medication and I couldn't imagine subjecting myself to this torture willingly. My spiritual, emotional and physical self was close to dying. I actually was not opposed to dying. I smoked an enormous amount of cigarettes, rarely slept, when I ate I chose the quickest thing which inevitably was an unhealthy option. I isolated from family and friends and the worst of all of this was my 9 year-old son referring to me as a vampire.

During some point of an addiction (and it sounds like your there), an abuser may get to the point where they know they can no longer continue on in the same way. Some people may hit a "bottom" and others may be drudging along their bottom everyday. That moment happened for me right before thanksgiving of 2013. Yes, 2013-it's been just over a year since I took my last dose of adderall. I'm not going to lie and say it was a cakewalk because it wasn't though I'm sure some have an easier time than others (hopefully that's you . But believe it or not, as I write this, I can honestly say that I've made more progress in this past year than I had during my 8 frenzied years of adderall combined (a bit ironic, right?). For me, recovery kind of went through stages and this website was a good source for me. I had to know that I would be okay one day and the only people who could tell me that were those who had been through it. This is the reason i felt the need to share some of my story.

For you, or anyone else who has reached their breaking point, I'm hoping that my story at least gave you a spark of hope that it is possible to live a life without adderall. A life without adderall has enabled me to be a participant in life, not just an immobilized watcher.