2 Years

[BeHereNow]

As of today I am two years adderall-free.  

 

For anyone who doesn't know my story, two years ago I was unexpectedly cut off from adderall and forced to quit.  And I embraced it, but I also feared the usual: that I would lose my job, ruin my career, get fat, etc.  And yes, in the first 4 months I did have to live with messing up at work a few times, and being okay with it.  And I didn't get in shape right away.  But in the end, not one of the things I feared most have happened. The long-term result has been the exact opposite.   And thanks to the wisdom of the longer-term quitters on this site, I learned a whole host of techniques for focusing, fighting cravings, building self-confidence.  And I learned that what I was going through was normal.

 

Compared to two years ago, I feel a thousand times more intelligent, awake, self-disciplined, mindful, organized, astute, focused, and inspired.   I used to think that adderall would bring me all of these things, but it didn't.  At first it did, but in the long run it made them all worse.  

 

In the past few months, people at work have even complimented how much I've grown.  The things that I now do with confidence, and with high ratings, are the same things that used to terrify me.   I didn't know it, but I needed to quit adderall in order to be successful.

 

I think Adderall is meant to be a short-term tool, a "leg up" to help people develop some of these skills, then continue working them on their own.  But like so many people, I didn't catch the "leg up" part when I had the chance, and instead I stayed on the adderall roller coaster.  I got sucked into its downward spiral.

 

Today I still can't read a million pages an hour with a 1% retention rate the way I did on adderall.   And I still deal with depression and anxiety and insomnia and other common quitting-related stuff, too.  Things are not perfect.  They are far from it.  But I can say that with more quitting time under my belt, things have smoothed out dramatically.  And I have always believed that focusing on the positive is key (without being unrealistic of course!) so that's what I'm doing here.

 

As the next stage of my personal growth I am working on self-mastery on all fronts, and recognizing that it all has to come from within.  This is something I lost almost entirely while I was on adderall, because I didn't think I was capable of it, and I gave my own self-control--my mind, and my life-- over to the pills.  Adderall became my master.  But that didn't work.  I have to master my own self, and no pill can get me there.  

 

For example I am building my toolkit for coping with anxiety and panic attacks.  And overall, I've found that my anxiety levels are much, MUCH better than they were two years ago.

I've also come a long way in terms of my self confidence, and, like Cassie talked about, my skin is just a little bit thicker, too.

 

What's also key is that I didn't just quit adderall, I also quit being a workaholic.  I didn't know it, but by taking adderall and working 12-14 hours a day I was just spinning my wheels!  With something resembling an actual work-life balance, I'm a lot more productive, and happier, and kinder to myself.

 

In the past two years I have rediscovered running, and dancing, and I'm currently learning yoga.  I've lost 35 pounds in 2 years and I am in possibly the best shape of my life.   This was impossible on adderall.  Now I actually eat, and I eat mostly healthy foods.  I take care of my body and myself.

My skin and face look noticeably better, too.  I used to look older than my age, and people told me so.  Now I'm told that I look younger than my age.

 

In the past 6 months I've recognized that I need to get a better handle on my alcohol consumption, and now I'm on day 30 alcohol-free.  (It's day 30 for like the 6th time, but still day 30!)  I feel so much better sober, and I'm looking forward to continuing with this path.

 

In the past 6 months I have cut all ties with any and all negative, unhealthy, abusive, codependent, or substance-centered previous relationships.   I am now in love for real and in a happy, healthy relationship that is for the long haul.  This was impossible on adderall.

 

I have learned that I need to surround myself only with positive people who will help me move forward with my growth and evolution, and vice-versa.  And I am getting better at recognizing who those people are....as well as the toxic people I need to avoid.

 

I've always been socially anxious and adderall made it worse.  It's getting better and better now, and I'm excited to see what year 3 has to bring.  I find that now my heart is more open to the new people I meet as well as the people I already know.  I'm better at connecting with other humans, and I genuinely want to now, whereas on adderall I just avoided everyone.

 

 I won't claim my life is anywhere close to easy, or that long term quitting is all sunshine and rainbows.   But quitting adderall has forced me to learn all kinds of skills, including coping skills, that I needed desperately to learn in order to live my life.   In the past two years I've faced two of the biggest losses of my life, the biggest financial crises I've faced so far, as well as two breakups.  Most recently I helped my mom go through cancer treatment, to which she recently succumbed at the age of 60.  My psyche probably would have broken entirely under the weight of all these things--especially my mom's passing-- if I were still on adderall.  I had zero coping skills back then.  I used to just numb myself.  Now, I have to actually deal with stuff as it comes up, and as it turns out, dealing with stuff is a lot better than not.

 

Through quitting, I've gradually rediscovered a newfound appreciation for the beauty of this short, precious life.    With a clear, sober mind, I am still somehow able to smile and laugh and, where I need to, cry, every day of my life.   I am ME, and quitting adderall is by far the most crucial step I've taken to get to where I am today.

 

Thank you for helping me get here, and for helping each other.  Together we can get sober, stay sober, and grow into the people we are meant to become.

 

To anyone who is new:   Life is better without adderall.  And quitting IS possible.   It's worth it!!  If I can do it, then so can you!

[Zerokewl]

What an inspiring post. It is amazing to see how far someone can come in 2 years.  Last year around this time you were really struggling. I'm sorry to hear about your Mum. I can't imagine dealing with that with or without Adderall. 

The only way to get through it is to get through it and that sucks. 

 

 I am starting to the think the same way about drinking too. Since I quit adderall &smoking it seems like drinking is my one outlet. And well I can get really carried away.  The holidays are a little blurry,  wasting time on hangovers etc sucks. 

 

 Congrats enjoy your day you've deserved it. Thank-you for such an inspiring post. 

[hyper_critical]

Dude. Wow.

[quit-once]

I found myself nodding in agreement with so much of what you wrote.  I really enjoy reading good journalism which is well-written with details and well-developed structure and grammar.  I have read and re-read your post and there is so much that I want to respond to with my own experiences, but not now.  The one point I want to chime in on is that quitting Adderall was a life-changing event for me, too.  I can't even imagine where I would be in life if I was still chained to that evil addiction.  Thanks for such an inspiring post and happy New Year.

[mila490]

 

Compared to two years ago, I feel a thousand times more intelligent, awake, self-disciplined, mindful, organized, astute, focused, and inspired.   I used to think that adderall would bring me all of these things, but it didn't.  At first it did, but in the long run it made them all worse.  

What a great post to start off the new year. I especially connect with the above. I think it's important to keep reminding myself that, yes, at FIRST there were all these great benefits, but it's too easy to forget the negative effects that spiral out of control at a certain point.

Congratulations, thanks for your post, and happy new year!

[LILTEX41]

I am so happy for you Occasional!  This is such a beautiful inspiring post.  My God, you have made some seriously amazing things happen in this short amount of time.

 

This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight.  I am so proud of you.

 

2015 is going to be an AMAZING year!!

 

Congratulations my friend!!!

 

Hugs!!

[Sepiroth]

nice! good way to do this new year