Not again.

[listful]

Hi. Don't really know where to begin. I'm a female, early 30s, I have taken Adderall on and off for about 12 years.

 

First time I ever took anything like that was dexedrine about 15 years ago. Felt so clear, stayed up. Never was a speed freak - tried coke and stuff once and nope - didn't do it for me. I didn't like the HIGH -- I liked the productivity. The clear-headed focus.

 

I'm a type A, highly ambitious, super OCD list-making manic personality that cannot get organized sometimes because I'm too organized, if that makes any sense. I let everything dissolve into chaos when I can't control it completely. I get overwhelmed.

 

I started Adderall regularly in undergrad and I SOARED. Bought it off a friend or two. Didn't take that much, rationed it out, and BOY did it work. Did tons of activities, got into grad school, worked for a high ranking city official. Graduated.

 

Moved out of state, stopped Adderall that summer because, well, I moved. No connections. It was BLEAK. Nothing was fun, work made me want to cry (waited tables). Started grad school in August. Choked. Classes were HARD. No focus. Couldn't do it.

 

Then there was a guy who sold, wouldn't you know it, Adderall, at work (isn't there always?). Started buying from him. Aced my classes. Once, he gave me the bottle when he sold to me. Got the name of the doctor. Made an appointment. Went, took the tests. For sh*ts and giggles, answered everything COMPLETELY honestly and fit the ADHD profile to the T.

 

Hah, I thought. I KNEW it. It's why I'm doing so well. I really do need this stuff. Got a script, kept buying from the guy. Had somewhere from 60-90 in a month. Things go really bad. I isolated. Still did well in school bc a lot of my classes were online. I would stay up on 3 day jags and then crash for 18 hours. Once I went into this sleep paralysis state in my compete chair where I was semi conscious but literally couldn't move for an hour. Fell into a kind of sleep coma in my bathtub - twice - and flooded the entire bathroom. Did weird stuff - tried to start a couple of online businesses, applied for weird loans, ruined my credit.

 

Then I think I hit psychosis because my computer got a virus and I lost all my grad school stuff. Virtual roaches crawled across the screen (that wasn't in my head though - it was part of the computer virus - it's just the thing that sent me spiraling). Took it hard and started this hunt for the hacker. I was in an apartment at the time and ended up thinking it was the people in the apartment beneath mine. I thought we were being spied on. Wow, that sounds so weird to say now, but that really happened. 

 

But wait! It gets worse!

 

Decided to stop luckily a month before I found out I was newly pregnant (no overlap - don't worry). Quit cold turkey - adderall and smoking (heavy smoker) - brutal for basically the whole pregnancy. Then I breastfed for a year after I gave birth. Totally clean. Didn't even drink much caffeine. Got pregnant again. Still clean the whole ride. Breastfed for a year.

 

Then, I wasn't breastfeeding or pregnant anymore. It was like a song had been playing that whole time and the record suddenly stopped. I was making money writing articles online. I thought, hmm. I need to be more motivated. I'm older now, not as reckless. I have kids, I'm more responsible. I can handle this. I'll have a relative keep them and dole them out to me. I need this. I need to motivate. I don't know that guy anymore anyway and I'll only have a dr script. Totally legal, totally above board. After all, I DO have ADHD.

 

Went back to the dr. Easy as pie. Script in hand, 2 IR adds, 60mgs a day. Did great for about a month, until, a couple of my websites were hacked. Freaked out, started staying up thinking I could fix it, and the psychosis emerged with a FORCE. I got police involved, was convinced we were being monitored, thought all our devices were compromised. I got a family member who codes involved and he did confirm someone got into our home network but that's as far as he got. I would read through lines of code all night, convinced I would find the culprit.

 

I stayed up all night with a new computer thinking I was chasing someone trying to shut it down, fighting them for control of the cursor. Opened my Kindle in the morning and saw someone trying to lift the password. I still to this day don't know if I really saw that happen or if my mind fabricated the whole thing. 

 

A lot of other rough stuff happened that I'm simply too embarrassed to post here.

 

I decided to stop. Got pregnant again shortly thereafter. Been breastfeeding for a year. And it's coming to a close... You know where I'm going with this.

 

I can't start again. I have three kids. But, the motivation. I can't seem to do ANYTHING. I have so much to do, and I sit here with them, morning after morning, hating myself. Doing nothing. It's been almost two years. Have I ruined my brain from natural pleasure forever? I'm so great on it until I'm not. I want to accomplish and without it, I just can't.

[quit-once]

 

I can't start again. I have three kids. But, the motivation. I can't seem to do ANYTHING. I have so much to do, and I sit here with them, morning after morning, hating myself. Doing nothing. It's been almost two years. Have I ruined my brain from natural pleasure forever? I'm so great on it until I'm not. I want to accomplish and without it, I just can't.

This paragraph sums up your whole post very well, and it illustrates the love-hate relationship we all had (have) with speed.

Adderall has sent you into psychosis TWICE and you are still considering a relapse?  I don't get it. 

So you sit at home with your kids, doing "nothing"?  At least you are fully present and doing your best job as a MOM.  On Adderall, you will again become a human doing instead of a human being.....is that what you really want? 

Please don't go back, for the sake of your kids and your own mental stability.  You have been on and off Adderall for 12 years.  You have been off it for two years and, from what I can tell, you have escaped without a long term permanent side effect or drug-induced disability.  Why do you want to risk your health and your future for some short term drug-induced motivation?

I enjoyed reading your post, and welcome to the forum.  I really hope you find the strength and wisdom to stay off speed for the rest of your life.  It's not just your life.....your three kids will be better off with a mom who is not also a drug addict.

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Thank you for replying. What I needed to hear. I do act as a mom, I go through the motions, I do pretty much everything for my kids bc my husband doesn't really help .. School, lunches, activities, parks and play dates, dr, etc, etc... But after I've dropped off my oldest I go home until I'm back on duty and just zone out, feeling blah. Like I start every day with a huge sigh. I'm always so tired. The DESIRE to do things, like career things, things to better my life is there, but it's like I can't muster the motivation to act although I desperately want to.

My house is also a wreck, I keep dishes going and pick up but can't keep up with five peoples' laundry and lives, and that's when I feel the weakest.

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I had no idea there was a support group for this particular issue. I've been so alone with this for a decade. People don't get it, including my family bc I isolated, so they never cornered me to quit because I hid a lot of the most alarming stuff I guess.

[AlwaysAwesome]

My house is also a wreck, I keep dishes going and pick up but can't keep up with five peoples' laundry and lives, and that's when I feel the weakest.

 

You are in good company...we are all (or have been) in the same place.  It is hard with kids and a husband who is not terribly involved. 

I am going to give you some unsolicited advice, so you can take it or leave it.  Make a simple list of things for your husband to do that would help out around the house.  Hand him the list and say "Here is a list of things which I need for you to do".  Done.  Most men are uncomplicated creatures and just don't see things the way we do (way too complicated  ).  Give it a try.  No tears...no drama...just the facts.  Don't put your feelings into it.  Just say "I need you to do these things". Period.  Try it, and I think you will be surprised by his reaction.  I am betting, he will do them and not make a fuss.  Most guys whom I have consulted agree...lists are the way to go!

 

Good luck and welcome!

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Thanks y'all. A word on long-term damage.. I've been clean two years and I find lately that I lose words a lot. Like I'll stand there talking and reach for a word and just cannot find it. Sometimes I read the grad school papers I wrote and can't even understand them, they're so amazing. I've had family tell me that it's the hormone fog from post pregnancy and I agree with them out loud, but I know my cognitive function well and I am certain I damaged my brain. I don't say it out loud but deep down I know. I hurt my mind irreversibly.

[listful]

And I read around this forum, which is amazing by the way... And two years clean a lot of people are seeming really positive with their changes. I feel worse than ever. Pregnancy and breastfeeding were the motivators to put it down without question, and after reading here I don't want to pick it back up. Getting pregnant stopped me from hitting bottom twice and saved me, but now my tubes are tied and I'm scared if I start back I won't have the internal fortitude to stop. But I also can't bear the thought of feeling like I'm just trying to get to the end of each day so I can sleep and not be awake for my life. I wake up and think things are just so bleak without adderall, so sad it's like that. Like being on it makes you look forward to every day. I want to be able to do that naturally. With kids you'd think that I'd be happy and content and I love them but I'm not content. I feel like I've damaged my pleasure receptors in my brain. Or maybe it is hormonal shifts, who knows.

[quit-once]

Have you read into the supplements forum?  There are a lot of different things you can take that will naturally restore your mental function and cognition.  For me, a high quality fish oil supplement has been the key to restoring memory and cognition.  Lions mane for mental clarity and L-Tyrosine for a better mood.  Five hour energy or  B-12 under the tongue for instant energy and red bull gives me the wings I need for performance. 

[Cassie]

And I read around this forum, which is amazing by the way... And two years clean a lot of people are seeming really positive with their changes. I feel worse than ever. Pregnancy and breastfeeding were the motivators to put it down without question, and after reading here I don't want to pick it back up. Getting pregnant stopped me from hitting bottom twice and saved me, but now my tubes are tied and I'm scared if I start back I won't have the internal fortitude to stop. But I also can't bear the thought of feeling like I'm just trying to get to the end of each day so I can sleep and not be awake for my life. I wake up and think things are just so bleak without adderall, so sad it's like that. Like being on it makes you look forward to every day. I want to be able to do that naturally. With kids you'd think that I'd be happy and content and I love them but I'm not content. I feel like I've damaged my pleasure receptors in my brain. Or maybe it is hormonal shifts, who knows.

You can't compare yourself to other people. You doped your brain for 12 years. That's much longer than most of us. Plus your brain is different now with kids. It seems way premature to throw in the towel after just two years, which is barely any time sober compared to how long you used. Why don't you commit to another year and see a therapist, go to NA, get in shape, get some hobbies, take an antidepressant - these are just some ideas to help pass the time so your brain can heal from your long term addiction.

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You can't compare yourself to other people. You doped your brain for 12 years. That's much longer than most of us. Plus your brain is different now with kids. It seems way premature to throw in the towel after just two years, which is barely any time sober compared to how long you used. Why don't you commit to another year and see a therapist, go to NA, get in shape, get some hobbies, take an antidepressant - these are just some ideas to help pass the time so your brain can heal from your long term addiction.

I think you're absolutely right. I actually thought about seeing a therapist and going the antidepressant route. Didn't think it would be that long of a process but I guess it really is!

[listful]

Have you read into the supplements forum? There are a lot of different things you can take that will naturally restore your mental function and cognition. For me, a high quality fish oil supplement has been the key to restoring memory and cognition. Lions mane for mental clarity and L-Tyrosine for a better mood. Five hour energy or B-12 under the tongue for instant energy and red bull gives me the wings I need for performance.

Thank you thank you. Yes, discovered that part of the forum right after posting that last night. I'm going to do exactly your regimen. I have to wait until I'm done breastfeeding though before I can take anything, even supplements. That's why I'm so blah right now, I can't do anything to help myself (including antidepressants) until I'm done. Guess I'll cruise the board the next month or so for support until I can try this.

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Also it is worth noting that 6 full years during this time period were completely Adderall-free (and free of anything else harmful, even smoking... didn't even take Tylenol, just prenatal vitamins), so my total "doping" time was about 6 years, broken up over a 12-year period.