My progress, My Slip Up, and Walking that Fine Line

[carock84]

To whom may listen,

 

I try not to make my threads long so I will try my best to get my point across so bare with me please. 

 

So I was taking Vyvanse for about a solid year now and like I said in my previous thread "My story in a Nutshell" I have been through HELL and Back with the whole Adderall addiction.  Everyone has their own story but believe me I have been there and can relate to a lot of the stuff people are saying on here and agree that Adderall is terrible and don't think anyone should be on it let alone on any stimulants for that matter. 

 

So today would have marked 7 days clean from Vyvanse and I slipped up today.  During my  clean time from the Vyvanse I had all the usual symptoms and was getting by without them.  I really can go without them but I am starting to think that this period in my life I think that I am going to stay on them for the time being.  Now during those 7 days without them I went about my normal routine and even stayed pretty busy.  My downfalls without taking them is of course I'm not as focused, I actually crave beer more which I am trying to stay away from alcohol in my life at the moment.  On Saturday I did 8 hours of community service but what bothers me is that I always feel like I need to have some sort of substance in my body to function like a energy drink such as a "White Monster" which is my drink of choice and I don't like that I feel that I need that.  I Eat a lot which is normal but I eat bad stuff and I feel like at times I use food to comfort me which I know this is a withdrawl symptom that I am dealing with and its natural that I feel this way when I go off them. 

 

Now this past Sunday I woke up and I went to the park to play basketball outside.  I was feeling great and felt amazing after I was done.  I was happy and just in a great mood.  Well my friend wanted to go get something to eat at a sports bar and I made the mistake of drinking WAY too many beers. And Monday and Tuesday I felt miserable.  Yes that was a choice I made and that could've been prevented but that was the lowest points during my clean period. 

 

Now today is where I slipped up.  I went to work from 4 am to 8 am and took a half day of vacation.  I should've just stuck my day out but we were kind of slow and I didn't want to be there.  Well this is where addiction gets you.  I came home today  and I was BORED!!..I was bored that's it and I texted someone that I knew had vyvanse pills.  I was craving one because I was bored.  How pathetic but I know you guys can relate and boredom and addiction go hand and hand.  Well I go to pick up the pill and the person gave me a dark blue pill and said it was a 25mg pill.  My prescription is 20mgs so I was like ok and I took it.  After I took it they told me it was Adderall instead of Vyvanse.  I was like damn it I didn't want that but oh well it wont hurt me.  First I made the mistake and gave in to my cravings and second I took an Adderall pill which I haven't taken in years. Well after about 30 mins those awful feelings came back from the time I used to be on Adderall pretty bad.  I feel like shit as I am typing this but I am managing.  Adderall to me is WAY different then Vyvanse as to how they make me feel.  When I'm on Adderall I crave more and My anxiety goes through the roof which I am feeling it bad at the moment.  So that was my slip up and this leads me to my next statement. 

 

 

Right now currently in my life I am very lonely and have no license to drive anywhere.  I have a loving family by all means but I am not around them a lot unless its the weekends.  I have a long road ahead of me with getting my life back on track through all the stuff that pertains to my DUI I got over a year ago.  I am on probation, I am not allowed to drink alcohol which is a blessing because I cant stand feeling like crap the day after drinking and lets face it when you don't drink you're healthier and a better person.  I enjoy not drinking but without my Vyvanse I don't have the mind set to push through these hard times especially on my OWN.  I don't have a significant other at the moment because I have problems to fix in my life and I choose not to be in a relationship until some difficulties in my life pass.  See the main reason a lot of people want to be off a drug is to get your old self back and just be you and I am the same way 100%.  I want to be healthy as much as I can and don't want to be on any meds.  But when Im on Vyvanse I don't have really any  bad side affects that I do when I am on Adderall.  I am not my "True Self" but I actually live better at THIS TIME in my  life because I'm focused on where I need to be and it cures my depression.  If I had a significant other I wouldn't be on Vyvanse 100% fact.  I am only prescribed 20mg pills once a day and I can manage taking just that, at the most maybe 2 pills on certain days.  So basically Is it wrong to get by with my Vyvanse during this time frame of my life until I get back on track.  Its really really hard to do it on my Own like I said and the Vyvanse is like my significant other at the time being.  I don't drink alcohol while I'm on it, I eat a lot and always healthier at that, I can still sleep while I'm on my Vyvanse, I exercise and I am determined more towards the future when I am on it.  I know it can be done without meds but this time in my life I really think I should stay on it.  I have like 12 more days until I can get my Vyvanse refilled and I am totally Ok with waiting it out and I don't mind it one bit.  I'm not mad that I don't have them or  count the days down or get excited when the time gets closer to getting them filled.  Its just walking that FINE LINE to manage being on them or not and that's what sucks.  I just wanted to express what I am going through and by no means am I giving up and being selfish saying that Its ok to be on a stimulant because I DONT want to be on anything I promise its just a time in my life that I think I need to focus on getting back on track.  Its really hard to explain but yeah with taking the Adderall pill today I don't like it at all one bit. I wont ever go back to them but the Vyvanse I don't think is doing me any harm right now in my life.    I want to be as healthy as I can and with being on a pill I know that Im not the healthiest I can be.  Everyone on this site is not perfect and are beautiful in every way and I know I have a good heart but its that fine line that I cant overcome at least right now in my life.  I have already beat Two big addictions in my life and One being Adderall and the other for the most part Alcohol.  I went 7 months without a drop and Honestly that was one of the best thing that has happened to me because I know I can go without drinking because I actually did and now if I slip up and drink too much I tell myself its time to step back again and not drink so I have came a long way so far.  Its just the time in my life where I think I should stay on my Vyvanse even though I wish I didn't have too.  I know with time without being on them gets better with each day its just super hard to be completely sober from everything ALL AT ONCE ya know?  I know I will be off them one day but doing everything at one time is overwhelming as it is with every addict struggling. Well that's my input on where Im at in my life and I will continue to read and explore this site.  Adderall though is discusting and If you get off that or have been off everything that's is amazing and someday I will be too!!  I praise everyone who beats addiction and I guess with being on my Vyvanse I don't think I would call myself an addict because I can go without them but Like I said I am not my true Self.  ADHD is a bitch lol but we are unique people and I feel one of the strongest people out there at that.  Anyways hang in there everybody I just needed to vent!!

 

Much Love!!

 

 

P.S.  Oh and by the way Alcohol was my biggest downfall in my life and during my  time with my Adderall addiction and drinking a lot I am surprised I survived so I am grateful for that I guess I am just taking baby steps to where I need to be!  I also ordered some books that I am planning on reading about changing your mind and stuff like that and am making my faith stronger with the Man above so that helps also.  Prayer does wonders as well because without my faith I wouldn't be where I am today.  Not trying to get religious but it has worked for me to pray and seek a higher power.  TAKE CARE EVERYONE!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[nouedis]

Honestly, you don't need drugs to sustain yourself. You just need to have self control.

I believe you have it in you to deal with this on your own, but if you don't, don't hesitate to message me.

[AlwaysAwesome]

ADHD is a part of who I am.  I used to function just fine with it, and now I am functioning fairly well again.  The bad thing about Adderall and, I'm guessing, Vyvanse, is that you don't go back to where you were before the drug.  You are so much lower, and it takes a lot of work to get back to where you were before the drug.  You will never be a super human without the drug...but, you have tasted that success.  It is really hard to give that up.  I still struggle with that everyday.  Even after the cravings leave, there is the emotional loss of your "super powers".  I try to remind myself that the drug had stopped working and required higher and higher doses just to maintain.  I am so much better off without it, but I still have an emptiness and a yearning for who I was on the pills.  It is getting better, but the struggle is real! 

[nouedis]

The struggle is real and it'll keep getting realer, but only for it to die out the hard way as well.

I hope the both of you guys are doing quite good.

May y'all have the strength of all the gods combined.

[carock84]

Nouedis,

 

Hey I just want to say thanks for taking the time to reply.  What caught my eye in reading YOUR reply was "I believe you have it in you to deal with this on your own".  Just by you saying that little line I felt a sense of peace.  See right now am my life it is very lonely or maybe the vyvanse is making it even lonelier then it has to be but with no driving license and no significant other it is hard but in reality its because I make it hard and it doesn't have to be as bad as I make it out to be.  But back to that line you stated that you reassured me that I CAN DO IT.  See I am the type of person who needs reassurance in my life because I am lost and I think growing up with a divorced family I always want the loving aspect of someone and encouragement from someone to push me.  Yes I have a loving family and friends BUT rarely do I get reassured that I am going to make it or I am a strong person and that effects me.  I don't go out of my  way asking to be reassured or fish for a compliment, I want it to come naturally from people.  That's why I am so hard headed in life because basically I feel like I have overcame a lot of hardships on my own as well as suffered on my own a lot.  Maybe I am making myself this way and it is me I don't know.  I love doing soul searching within myself and I am really trying to find inner peace everyday.  I just thought of something before I wrote this.  Two things that really bother me in life right now that affects my mind and my relationships towards people.  That's failure to be SOBER from Alcohol and Vyvanse.  Not being sober bugs the shit out of me these days and in the past with previous relationships.  Yeah My life is not where I want it to be and that sometimes makes me be down and ruins relationships but that's a part of life and life is not always going to work out.  I am blessed with what I have in life as it is and it all comes down with being happy with yourself in everyway possible. But being sober to me is that I am living life by my own mind and that's what I really think would push me over the hump to finding happiness and not being so hard on myself.  I want to be ME and experience MY EMOTIONS naturally without any substance.  I guess every recovering addict goes through this guilt and I am pretty sure it is one of the 12 steps program.  I know there NA and AA that would help but right now I cant get rides whenever I want and hopefully when I do get my license back in 5 months I can just go to a meeting and see how it is especially NA.  I think I am going to really look into the 12 step program on my own and try and follow that for the time being.  Ill get there but Please message me NOUEDIS because I don't know how to message people privately.  THANKS AGAIN and take care.