My Adderall Journey

[shad0w]

Hey all! I finally registered an account here to tell my story.  I've been to this website a few times in the past but NOW I have a reason to post on it!!!!! Oh boy there is so much to say thus I am not sure where to start!!! I appologize in advance for the life story I am about to tell. However thats the reason this website exists right?! I also think it will be good for me to read back what I wrote in the future to keep myself motivated!!!!

 

Ok so lets rewind back to middle school!!! 6th grade, new school, new people, new responsibilities. At first it wasnt much of a big deal. Then the weekly progress reports began to come in. They were not good. My parents started to come down a little harder on me. I got made fun of a lot and just had a general rough time being ME! This continuted all the way until highschool. 9th grade I got my first F. This was bad. It continued on until the point of not graduating. I had a group of friends that didnt exactly lead me in the right directon, however looking back I wouldnt have had it any other way. All I ever heard was "you just dont care" That was so paintful to hear because I did. I REALLY REALLY DID! But my mind was always so spaced out and only wanted to do the things I wanted to do. My parents did not seem to understand nor did I that something wasnt quite right. It got so bad that they had some people come to the house to talk to me. It was a waste of time. Yes it was easy to hang out with friends and do nothing but impossible to remember to take out the trash. Mass confusion w/ the parents. I brushed off the whole "getting help" thing until I was 18. I had no graduated. Didnt really care anymre (it was too much of a burden) so I just slept all day. One day I woke up and asked myself a question. Why do I always want to sleep, why am I able to hyperfocus on what I love to do, and why am I so damn unmotivated! I went to a doctor lady and this is where the next 10 years of my life would begin.

 

I remember it CLEAR AS DAY!! I walked into this womans office. Sat down and began to chat. Not even 5 minutes into talking she says "whoa whoa whoa slow down"  "do you have a history of ADD in your family?" she asked. I replied "well, my sister took ritalin when she was younger" she immediatly replies "im putting you on adderall. To which I said "I dont want that shit I used to take it to get high in highschool" her next words would change my view on this drug. They were "its not like that when you take it everyday........

 

So now I am on 30mg XR. I hated it. It didnt give me the rush of motivation like the IR tablets did. I got off it and changed to 20 or some weird number of concerta. I was on this for a while and hated it. Again it helped me focus but I could not get out of bed to do anything. I took the horrible drug for probably a year or so until I told her I hated it. She then switched me to Focalin!!! This sucked too and I didnt last long. Next she put me on the focalin patch!!! WTF?! a patch I would wear for ADD?! it burned my skin and within a week I was back on XR. One day I took one of my friends 30mg IR tablets and IMMEDIALTY had the desire to do stuff. Cleaning mostly...this inspired me so i went back and was honest with her. I told her that I took one of my friends and it worked. She switched me to 30mg and thigns carried on well for a while. I had tons of anxiety when coming down and i begged her for somerhing to help smooth it out. She only gave me gabapentin and somehow I got her to put me on lyrica for depression. It worked but since it is not prescried in the US for anxiety and depression I couldnt stay on it. One day she decides to say "it must suck to be in your head' then appologizes for saying something like that. She said something else that was stupid and again appologized. Who the hell gave this woman a DEA license!!!! She then gave me a script for lithium and thats when I said bye bye. I found new doc and told him the deal. I said I was on 30mg IR and asked what he suggested for a mood stabalizer. He prescribed my lamictal and to this day it HAS been a wonderful drug for me. I also asked him for KLONOPIN. BAD IDEA. he gave it to me and that has been in my system since. Now to the important part. I had jobs on and off during these next 5 or 6 years. Sometimes I could afford the adderall and other times I couldnt. It was horrible. This was so frustrating that I would just stop taking it and watch my whole life fall back apart. Then I would get help (state insurance) and be able to get it again. This went on for a long time until I got a stable Job with EXCELLENT insurance. Somehow I managed to get my DR to give me 60 30mg IR. I told him all along I was taking it morning and afternoon WHich I was not. I only did this so I could have more pills and not have to spend 80-120 for a script without insurance. Anyways with this new job I could now get all 60 pills for 10 dollars!!!!!

 

Now I never considered myself to be addicted to adderall. I took it as prescribed and for the most part lived a great life with it. THat is until I lost that job. Why? Because I was up all night staring at the sky trying to find UFO's. In essance I was beginning to become very paranoid and was oblivious to it. I dropped to 20mg and almost immediatly went back to 30 Then i stopped taking it again. I used my unemployment chck to get the pills and managed to keep myself on it. My girlfriend at the time hated it. To this day I have no idea how she put up w m for so long. I got a new job doing sales and for 2 years I did something I never thought I would do. Woke up at 7 worked until 7 and didnt get home until 10. This motivated me a lot and ultimately she left because I chose work over her. Fine with me she was a bitch anyways!!! One day I woke up and relized I could not do the job I was doing at the time anymore. I had become exhausted and unmotivated. So guess whatI did. I stopped taking ALL my medications (this was rougly 3 years ago) slowly but surely I recovered howerver I did not have anything to worry about (a job) so it was easy to sleep all day. I've never really had an issue with stopping the adderall. Apparently everyone else did as my parents immediatly coudlnt understand how I was no longer a superhero. I had to have explained this to them a billion times but they just didnt get it. Around the same time (before I quit my sales job and immediatly after my other girlfriend and I split up, I began to see another girl that I had dated in the past. While withdrawling she would bring me food, and just be with me for the whole thing. It was great and without her I don't know how I would have been. As time went on I ate everything I could and made chicken nuggets cake and mac and cheese while playing video games with my best friend. My girlfriend would come over everyday and partake aswell. Well I was still living with my parents (in the inlaw appartmemtnt connected to their house) I was not paying rent, not doing shit, no job, no money, a car without money to pay for insurace. essentially I was back to being 17 again. I was aware of it but knew that nothing could be done until I had adderall again. I remember one day I wanted to work on my toy car model. I was too lethargic to be bothered to try and focus so I took 7.5 MG of adderall that I had laying around (again it was always easy for me to not take the adderall because i just hated it at that point) so I did have a few pils from before. I took it and immediatly felt like crap. But I finsiehd my model car. I went back to my doctor and got all my pills again. Luckily my girlfriend took klionopin too so I didnt have to deal with those withdrawls as bad as it could have been.

 

That summer was the best summer I've ever had! There is a house next door. The owner of the home owns the company I was working for that let me go because of UFO's lol. Down the street is the guy who took over his company (one day i was flying an RC airplane across from his house and he came over and moved the joystick on my controller around and said you can work for me! I make these things!! I said cool! i live down the street next to the AFRAME house. He replies "oh! Doug!! My buisness partner)     I waited a year and then went and worked for him then they let me go for UFOS. sorry for the backstory but it is important for the rest of my post.

 

Ok so super great summer. My pool was opened. I had all my friends. AND someone moved in next door (doug the owner hadnt lived there in 13 years) it was always empty and all of a sudden a 24 year old kid with lots of friends appearwed and we partied all summer.  His older brother was an engeneer for the comapany. I was jealous and wished that it had been me that got to live there. So at the end of the summer when all the fun died down i would see his car pulling in at 5 pm everday and i wished so bad to work there again. He recommmended I write a letter to the guy down the street and ask for my job back. I popped the adderall and went to work. when the letter was done I said to myself, how can you say no to this!!!?? I was then told by the HR woman that when he read it he said "how can I say no to this!" Thus my new rehire was official!!! I was ECSTATIC!!! To proove myself worthy I was given the task to work outside. I had adderall and made that whole property look brand new. I cut trees and planted grass, cleared out a huge section of the woods, mowed the lawn, I made that place look SO GOOD! And as I did this slowly my doseage wdnt up from 7.5 to 15 to 30. For a long time I was able to wake up, shower and then take my meds. I was happy I didnt need to take and let it wake me up like I had always done!!1 Eventually after like 2 months of working outside they brought me back in. I began to work on the busier assembly lines and my old habbits came back. Wake up, pop 30 mg, back to sleep, wake up high and motivated, shower and go to work. NOT before putting another tablet in my pocket for afternoon. I managed to get a dollar raise for my hard work almost immediatly. Then not even 2 months later the CEO dude (the one that i wrote the letter too) comes up to me and says you've been doing so great I've bumped you up 2 extra dollars. I was shocked. 3 dollars in 2 months! 12 to 15 an hour!!! Deep down inside I knew it was the adderall but WHO CARES?!!!! Right!? Wrong....within the next 7 months things would begin to go down hill. I was eaily up to 60-70 mg a day. sometime less and was so inconsistant with dosage that my emotions began to slip. I cried all the time and always had to leave early. Things were not looking good. I knew that without a few months to get off adderall there was NO way I could get up and go to work and hold down my job. This depressed me very much so I finally seeked help instead of stopping the mes and giving up again. In february my father had an anurism and that sent me on a downward spiral to where I am now. I got very depressed and was just popping quarter after quarter whenever I would begin to feel any type of crash.

 

I was living with my girflrined and always had her complainging that I didnt listen or pay attention to her. I did NOT understand what she meant. this had gone on for at least a year. i was ALWAYS mean for no reason. and just continuted on this adderall fueled train. After all, I needed to keep my job!!! This is not how I felt inside!!! Back to the doctors, gotta figure this all out, gonna lose everyting If I dont. cant afford that again!!! I went and talked to a new docyot and all he did was ask me "is it working" "does it work" "are you able to function?" to which I answerd yes to all of these questions. I even went to a clinic and they would NOT put adderall in the drug abuse section even though EVERY question related to me being on adderall. I must be honest, all those times I stopped I had great times. I wasnt motivated but at least I was ME. This is what I wanted so bad. I tried switching to vyvanse and that worked but things didnt change. I then switched back to 30mg XR 2x daily. I actually started to take the doses as prescribed (remember i orignally only got on 60mg so I could have extra pills) I felt great again. Focused and ready to take on the world. Except now I am stimuated from 7 am to 10 pm. NOT COOL! WIthin a week I dropped to 25mg 2x daily. I cried alot, I couldnt belive how much a difference that 10mg made!!! One day I had a note from my girlfriend asking me If I was goning to get off it or not and that she isnt happy anymore. That was my last straw. After giving my job hell and almost losing it I walked into the office of the HR lady and said "its happening again" I NEED time to get off this. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. my life is falling apart, i feel like crap, for years i've had no emotions, no feelings of love, no appetite, I had lists of things to say.

 

I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT IT HAS BEEN ONE MONTH AND I AM CLEAN OF ADDERALLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I continue to take 300MG lamictal  and 1 MG clonopin (im pretty sure having these still this time around really helped.

 

Anyways, I still feel lazy and can tell I am not out of the woods completly. I stare at my botle of adderall (i have like 200) but I will never take it again. The cravings are there of course, but I feel alive again, so they can collect dust!!!!!!!!!!!! I had barly any help from my doctor. He seemed insulted that I wanted to stop taking them. He even told me that I didnt need to miss work during all of this.

 

I was supoosed to return to work last monday. I woke up and realized i was not giving myself the time I really needed. I needed to let go and accept that I may lose my job. However I didnt care. I wanted off this drug. It tore so much away. I texted the CEO dude and asked for help. He told me he fully supported me and to take the time I needed. Then to try maybe 2 -3 days a week until I was back to a normal schedua; (cue the tears) I have a multimillionare telling me I can take all the unpaied time I needed and come back as myself. cue the tears again!1!! 

 

YOU CAN DO THIS GUYS. ITS NOT EASY BUT POSSIBLE!!!!! I feel alive again. I eat again. I have trouble falling asleep again, I make loud noises again, i LAUGH again, I have ADD AGAIN!!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I AM READY TO FIGHT THIS ADD SHIT WITHOUT A STIUMLANT. THe first few weeks were rough, i didnt beleive I could actually continue my life without this drug. THAT WASNT REAL. IT WAS THE DRUG SPEAKING!!!! I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

 

I will finish with this - It seems to have taken me a full month to get the drug out of my system (this was a week ago) I plan on taking a few more days (maybe a weeek) to get myself straight again. I see a psy lady tomorrow and then on wed I am going to CEO house (down the street from my parents lol) to talk!!!!!!!!!!!!  ASK FOR HELP!!!! It is the only way. YOU DONT need to suffer alone. Wihtout my girlfriend and my job I wouldnt be here typing this right now. My parents helped a lot too but with all the stress of my father I triedmy best to keep them out of this (i had aready done it enough in the past!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

oNE LAST THING!!! I love rollercoaster tycoon!!!! Ive been playing on and off since 2004. I was 18 at the time. I am now 29. My girfriend pointed out to me the other day that while on adderall I would spend hours designing a rollercoaster and then just delete it. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I HAVE A PARK I AM BULDING!!!! NOTHING IS PERFECT IN LIFE AND IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PERFECTION IS AN ILLUSION AND AMPHETAMINE SALTS ARETHE MAGICIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Thanks for reading!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please accept my grammer and if some things are out of order I HAVE ADD!!!! it is a gift guys. use it. dont be afraid to ask for help. dont supress it with stimulants. It takes more away thna it gives. a month ago I found this website. I had seen it in the past. This time I took on the challange. I did it guys I did it!!! I imagine a few more months of blah before its all done and over with but i've never felt beter. Now getting myself up in the morning is a different story. My new life begins NOW!!!!!!!!!!

[nouedis]

I recommend you take adrafanil. Look into it. It's better than adderall and way safer.

[AlwaysAwesome]

Welcome!!  You are very fortunate to have an understanding boss.  You sound like you have it all in hand.  Just hang in there and you will be at a year clean before you know it!  When it gets rough, just read the posts and it will help you feel better in no time. 

[nouedis]

I have a lot of faith in you! If you ever need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to message me and let me know what it is I can do to help you out.