Halfway through hell

[Bubbagump99]

Saturday I took my first 15mg of my taper. Started at 30, and dropped to 20 for 2 weeks, now I'm on 15 for 2 weeks. Saturday I felt great, slept well. Played tennis for the first time in years. I wasn't full of energy but I wasn't exhausted either. Felt like I needed to push myself a little and 'move' even if just for awhile. I enjoyed it, played for a hour or so. Rest of day I was fine. However that night I fell asleep at 8pm. Woke up Sunday morning at 7 which is extremely long for me to sleep.

Stayed on the couch all day yesterday, literally. Body was SO sore from playing tennis AND I was exhausted. Had brain fog but I think it was bc I slept too long. Felt depressed, hopeless, exhausted.

This morning I feel better. Yet deep down I know I feel 'better' bc I can feel the adderall 'kicking in'. Feel like it's the only thing that's ever made me feel happy in my life. Or maybe I feel like I can't imagine not taking it anymore at all. I have no desire to increase my dosage right now though. This is so hard. And by that I mean, not really the tapering, but the thought of never taking another pill again.

[MX717]

Hi Smhjen! I feel for you. This is my first post ever for my problem. Today is my first day starting my short tapering method after my intervention by 2 friends this weekend. How large were your doses and how much were you taking? For me, I was off adderall for a week recently and had a huge crash when I ran out after completing my script a week before refill coupled by food poisoning. I was a mess. Excited though to get my script refilled. The day I got it filled before I took any pill I was actually energetic and happy again. Then I got my script and started out with a plan, the plan then turned into excuses to take it. I've been on a bender since last Monday, drinking more and having no consideration for anyone around me. I was taking a lot less than most people, but a lot for me. I'm prescribed 2 15mgs a day (IR). I was taking 3-4 a early and also later in the day and staying up all night. I knew I had a problem. I've done this multiple times. It IS possible to be happy without addy. Don't fool yourself for the high. We are all in the same boat. I still don't think most people understand our problem to the fullest, even my 2 friends who noticed it. The are supportive, but slightly in a condescending tone, they also have taken it before to party and study. I think these discussions are a great way to find support. So hang in there. Stick to your program. Do you have someone that can help monitor your dose?! Do you have a stash? Keep exercising, eat healthier. Easier said than done I know. So today I took one 15mg. I'm still foggy considering the amount I took the past week. I'm going to exercise today while I feel good. Then I plan on taking half of one first thing tomorrow and half a few hours later. Then my last half ever will be the next day. That will be my last one and I got rid of my script already. I know you can do it too SMHJEN. There is more to life than the escape with addy. You can be happy without it, I know you want to and I know you will.

[Bubbagump99]

How long were you on addy for? You're gonna quit cold turkey?

I've been on it for 9 years or so. Been taking 30mg last few years. I attempted cold turkey last summer but that was beyond horrible. If I had been a student out for the summer, and living at home it would of been more manageable. However, I work a crazy, demanding job and I just can't have fog brain and feel like that bc my job entails too much thinking and programming. really need to be alert at work.

So yeah, I started tapering from 30 to 20 for two weeks. Now I'm on 15 for two weeks, then 10mg and 5mg.

I do have a few 30mg pills left but I gave them to my husband to hold. Told him to only give them to me if at the 15mg point, if I feel the need to stay on 15mg a little longer than 2 weeks to break them in half for me so I have 15mg pills longer than just 2 weeks. I read online how ppl taper every month or hold the step for every month but I didn't really wanna go that long but now that I'm doing it I understand why ppl say that

Right now I have so much going on in my life and I feel like I just don't care about anything. idk. This is all so depressing. I told my doc I wanted to quit and taper and have another apt w her next month to see how I'm doing.

Feel like I need to do this now or I never will. Seems so hopeless right now. maybe just bc i feel exhausted today:(

[MX717]

I've only been on it for a year and a half. I'm 29 now, so I wanted it for work because I lost interest in everything. Never did well in school anyways because of my constant distractions with day dreaming. So I went to the doctor to get it because I was told I need something anyways because of my issues. Just giving you an idea about my history. I think I'll be okay with a quicker taper, then cold turkey. You've been on it much longer than me, I think you're doing it the right way and that's great your husband is there to help monitor your doses. I know if I had access to it when I were feeling like you I'd want one, and that's the hard part. That's why I had to get rid of my script. So stay strong. You're right about life. There's too much going on! That's just it. How we live in our society and how it is designed currently. We are overworked in one way or another, everyone has a different pressure for success. Because that's what makes you valuable in the eyes of other humans. I don't think we were every taught to fully understand how life is suppose to be enjoyed or lived. No emphasis on health or the beauty of nature and living free. I'm feeling worthless and depressed too. I know how it feels, I just dumped my script last night and it was very tough to do. I didn't want to at all. I knew I would miss my self destruction. Just know that time will pass and the depression will go. I'll be on here often to talk. It's a great feeling to know I wasn't the only one. I really felt that way too.

Do you have a job that would allow you to take time off? So maybe you would be able to rest and try to catch up on everything and resituate yourself.....

[Bubbagump99]

I only have a week vacation and that obviously isn't gonna cut it. I thought I could of been pregnant earlier this month and it was a big wake up call for me. Realizing I would of had to stop cold turkey. Really made me realize I need to get off of this sh!t bc its controlling almost every aspect of my life:/

[MX717]

The fact you realize all of this says a lot. That's good you're making the change.

It can and will do that. It had infiltrated almost every thought for any action I would take. Basically designing my life around it. Planning my day, planning the weekend, it was always on my mind. I would make excuses to take more for certain days or events.