Posie Posted February 2, 2016 Report Share Posted February 2, 2016 I have been taking adderall for about four years, starting when I entered a Phd program. On the drug I did the usual: stayed up all night writing, researching, and just generally "enjoying" all the time I spent all speeded up and being scholarly. I have now completed my course work and aced my qualifying exams--something that seemed designed for those of us who take the drug--and am now working on my dissertation. I am in a unique, and I suppose lucky, situation where I am ONLY working on the disseration--no teaching or other part time jobs. Because I don't want to be on this drug forever, and because I really want to get pregnant, I have decided to ween myself off. Yesterday was my last day. Today is my first day without it and I canot stop obsessing about how to get my hands on it. I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get some more but again, I DO NOT WANT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE. So. What do to? Part of me wants to go out and score some on the street. And I keep thinking--I'll just take some to get through this chapter, this assignment, this one last thing...but I know there is never one last thing. It's called life and I want to relearn how to live it with a clear--and sober--mind. That's it. I'm committed to stopping on one hand but the other hand is grasping in the dark for the pill. Cognitive dissonance, indeed. Any advice would be really helpful. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posie Posted February 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Ok, I think I can do this. I am just going to use these message boards to shout out to the universe even--it's still helpful even if I don't get a respond. I sat at my computer today and did nothing at all. I didn't get fired from my job because my job is just to produce words on a page but I just sat here like a lump. I researched adderall addiction, I found this site, I felt brief moments of sinking despaire countered by bursts of elation at the thought of being drug free. Then laziness, then back to bed, then more and more food. I always feel better when night falls-more energized in general, and i went to a high intensity exercise class. While I am still not writing my project I feel much more clear than I did earlier in the day. I have been clean for one day and I feel good about that. And don't worry, I won't keep using this as a journal! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 You can do this!!!!! And it sounds like right now is the perfect time. If you do end up going to see your psychiatrist, I hope you use that appointment to tell him that you never want this poison to be prescribed to you again. DO NOT FILL THAT SCRIPT. You don't need it!! Be sure to spend lots of time on this site when you're feeling weak... it has done wonders for me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posie Posted February 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Thank you! It's crazy how much we rationalize using the drug. My mind is so consumed with desire for it. I will do my best to NOT fill the script. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 It'll be worth it to be clean in the end. You won't have to go through this cycle of up and down insanity anymore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Posie Posted February 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 I wonder how normal it is to feel like you have the flu or something when you finally quit?? I slept for like 10 hours last night (!), got up, and then my throat started to hurt, then went back to sleep for at least an hour and now feel like a complete zombie! It's so strange. I am deeply thankful that I don't feel depressed as depression has been a familiar shadow in my life, but I feel that brain fog people have been writing about. Or really like my whole body is in a fog, like I can hardly hold my head up! I keep thinking that being in public, at a library or something, could help me at least feel more normal but I can't even muster the energy to put on real clothes. Leggings and uggs for me. I guess that's kind of real clothes haha. The rationalizing is beginning--just fill the script this last time, get this one section of the dissertation and then give myself two weeks to loaf around. But I am already two days in. Maybe I should just kick it now?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 Who knows when you will muster up the courage to try and quit again? You say you'll just refill it one more time, but really??? It's like the famous old saying, "I'll quit tomorrow", but sad thing is tomorrow never comes. If you get it refilled, don't fool yourself...it may be a year from now until you really get back to this place of wanting to quit again. Just something to think about. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AlwaysAwesome Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 This is all completely normal and it will pass. Don't refill that script! You are strong, and you can do this. Most of us thought we were supremely amazing while on Adderall, but after quitting found out that our work was not as awesome as we thought it was. You may surprise yourself! Let your mind recover and you will rock that dissertation. The time is now!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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