My story/struggle. You are not alone. Any support is appreciated

[Ann54321]

I finally decided to become a member because I wasn't getting any feedback from the other pages. This is the first time I have joined anything like this online but I am desperate for help and advice. To sum up how I got here I got prescribed adderall at the end of high school/beginning of college. I have been in stimulants for a little over 7 years. My Family decided to push me to seeing a doctor due to my lack of motivation, Inability to apply myself, and risky behavior. I made good grades but did the bare minimum to get by and found myself having no passions besides partying (which was not like me-before High school my life was church). After some tests they confirmed I was ADHD. Instead of finding my true passions, I created a world based around stimulants. I started taking more than prescribed about 4 years ago when they just didn't seem to be working like they used to and ever since then it's been a battle. I have tried switching to vyvanse but i still cannot resist the temptation to take more than prescribed just to get that extra crutch to help me throughout the day. I have tried quitting several times but I can't seem to be done for good no matter how hard I try. I am a teacher and the non adderall me is not cut out for it. Off my medicine I do the bare minimum to get by which is not fair to my students. Everyone at work sees that I am "different" and have trouble keeping up. This roller coaster battle has been so hard and suffering through it in front of all of my co workers and students is making is so much harder. Like y'all say everyone can usually tell when you take it, and everyone can definitely tell when I don't and it is making my life miserable. EVERY TIME I try to stop I tell myself that I am going to push myself and eat healthy and exercise and make good lesson plans and apply myself at work, but EVERY TIME I end up gaining tons of weight and making unhealthy choices. When I don't take my medicine I can't apply myself at work no matter how hard I try. I leave early and come in late and leave my room a mess and put off grading till the absolute last minute and barely get around the room to help my students with their work. It's not fair to them. It makes me feel sick to my stomach and hate myself. If I don't enjoy doing it it's almost impossible to make myself do it without medicine. I eventually make myself clean and walk the dog without medicine but when it comes to things that take tons of will power like creating an interesting lesson or grading papers or choosing healthy food over fast food my good intentions just go out the window. I honestly don't know how I haven't gotten fired. My classroom looks like a tornado ran through it and my kids aren't learning what they need. There is so much pressure on teachers and I can't meet the demands. I know it's not the career for me but I don't have anyone in my family to support me while I figure out what it is I can do that doesn't require me to take medication to succeed. I want to find something I enjoy enough to not take it. But that is definitely not teaching. I think when I chose it I felt that superman feeling like "I can do anything" but now I am realizing I chose the wrong thing. With student loans and rent and bills I can't afford a job waiting tables or something non stressful. I can barely pay the bills right now. And on top of the career stress I keep gaining and gaining weight to the point it is almost healthier to take my meds. I have gained 60 pounds because no matter how hard I try I can't resist my urges to eat bad food when off my medicine. It's ridiculous. I am a grown woman with no self control. In the past 2 years since I started teaching I have gained 80 pounds and am now at 230. And the longer I stay off the meds the more and more weight I put on. I try to resist bad foods but I just can't and I don't know why. I am tired of being a slave to this drug and I am tired of it turning me into a stressed out zombie. I am tired of disappointing myself and not ever feeling good enough. I said a couple weeks ago that I was for sure done this time and I really thought I was going to do it but yesterday i got a script refilled. There will always be a doctor willing to prescribe it especially considering I really do have ADD so that makes it hard. I just feel like I have the life skills of a child because I never learned self discipline as a young adult when I had a pill that made everything somewhat enjoyable and/or bearable. I am so lost. I don't know where to go from here or how to manage a life unmedicated. I just want to be the real me but the world has made me believe the real me isn't capable of success on my own. I know deep down I am but getting there is the hard part especially considering i don't have family support while I figure everything out. Despite my struggles bills still have to be paid. I feel defeated on stimulants and I feel defeated off of them. I need help.

[AlwaysAwesome]

So, first of all, welcome!  You are among kindred spirits.   Let's see...how long have you been off of your Adderall before getting a new prescription?  I know my weight had started creeping up while I was on Adderall, but I gained 40 pounds in the first 4 months after I quit.  How about make a plan.  Take the Adderall, finish the year, lose the weight, then quit over the summer when you have time away from work.  Teachers are so fortunate to have a couple of months off from work, so take advantage of it.  Make a  plan and work towards it.  When you are really ready to quit, you must cut off your supply.  If you can't get any, then you can't go back.  I know you will be able to get through this, but it will be easier if you plan the quit when you have the least stress possible.  In the meantime, get your crap in order so you can slack a bit when you first quit.

 

Good luck and hang in there! 

[bluemoon]

Welcome  

 

Wow. While reading your story, my heart broke for you. I thought it was hard enough doing my job after I quit, but I can't imagine trying to quit while being a teacher in a classroom full of kids every day. Talk about a LOT OF PRESSURE! And like you said, lesson planning takes effort. Effort that is pretty much impossible to put forth in the early stages of your quit. I can understand why you would keep relapsing.

 

As I was reading your story, I was trying to think of what I could say to help you... and to be honest, I really had no idea where to even start. But!!!! - AlwaysAwesome came up with the perfect plan!!!!! Stick it out for a few more months if you can, and once you get your summer break, make a 100% commitment to quitting. Stay here with us on this site, it is honestly the only reason I have made it as far as I have (day 81). YOU CAN DO THIS. You just have to come up with a strategic plan as to when it is going to be. And then you need to take some time to let yourself get better. And never go back to that poison again!!! 

 

About the weight gain, I understand exactly where you're coming from. I'm about 35 lbs heavier than where I would like to be. I actually somehow even started gaining weight before I quit, and I've gained more since I quit. The only thing you can do is accept the fact that you're going to gain some weight, and know that it's not forever. Once you get far enough into your quit, you will be able to have the motivation to get healthy (the right way). I'm still waiting for that motivation to strike me (lol), but I know I will get there eventually.

 

Stay strong!!!! 

[Ann54321]

Thank you bluemoon and AlwaysAwesome for your support. That means a lot. This is such a unique struggle that no one understands unless you have been one of us. Most addicts have the motivation of their life coming together when they quit but we have to accept ours might fall apart and that's a tough pill to swallow (haha accidental pun). I guess my biggest fears of quitting come from trying to continue the life that stimulants have created for me. I honestly don't know what to do regarding my career and there aren't many options outside of teaching you can do with an education degree. And like I said I don't have anyone to take me in while I figure it all out so I don't have the flexibility to try on different hats so to speak. I just can't get past that weight of wondering where I would be in my life if I never took them. And honestly I don't feel like 3 1/2 months is long enough for me to "get my crap together". UGH THIS IS HOW YOU BECOME A SLAVE TO THIS DRUG. I am so sick of this battle but it means a lot knowing there are people like y'all willing to try to help the best y'all can

[AlwaysAwesome]

You will be a GREAT teacher...just not a super hero.  Let yourself accept the idea that you are not perfect and nobody can be.  Adderall stops working over time.  That is why we all gain weight towards the end.  If you don't continue to increase the dose, then it will stop being effective.  You have to stop eventually, because you can't keep going on like this.  Cut yourself some slack and understand that you will be a better teacher, a better person, without stimulants.  You could always try something non stimulant, too.  My daughter takes Strattera and it really helps her.  I took her off of Concerta when I quit Adderall, but she can't function in society, lol, without something.  There are other options, but you need to get to a place where you can accept your imperfections.