Want to quit but about to be promoted at work. What to do?

[jeffersontbs]

I have been on adderall/vyvanse etc for 6 years now. I have been taking 100-250 mg a day. Like many other posts I've read, I feel like I can't function if I don't take the pill. I've lost several jobs because I would take more pills than prescribed and run out early-I couldn't get out of bed and I felt like a worthless slob and always hungry.

 

I am realizing how robotic and "dead" I am 24/7, constantly wired, never able to relax and enjoy the moment because I'm always pill poppin. I don't even remember my real personality. When meeting one-on-one with fellow employees I am socially awkward and don't talk much.

 

I never used to be like that. I've always been fun and bubbly and never met a stranger.

 

I know i have to get off this devil pill. It is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend, I can't relax and truly enjoy time with him, I am just thinking about work or planning or focusing on something/doing something productive (which usually isn't even productive after-all).

 

I am scared as hell, though. I finally told my boyfriend my addiction to adderall a couple weeks ago, and I can't even bear to imagine telling my family or friends.

 

I am getting to this point in my job where I am about to be promoted and be in charge of more tasks and more people. Everyone is looking up to me, and the expectations are huge. I've tried to take less mgs several days but my hands get so clammy and I feel like I'm going to faint and I'm dizzy and I can't do my job.

 

I know there's cold turkey, and there is the step down method to getting off the meds. I am scared the step down method won't work for me because I have to put 150% into my job and can't imagine doing what ive been doing so well without the pill. But if I decide to quit cold turkey, I would lose my job and how hard I had worked to get to where I am now. I wouldn't be able to start where I left off once I got sober. I know I would have to stay at home and endure the nasty withdrawal symptoms that I know won't be mild based on how much adderall I am taking on a daily basis. Even dropping my dosage down to what I was prescribed I experience some symptoms.

 

I used to be super athletic and active, then after I got on adderall about 6 years ago. After using the pill more I was even more active and toned and strong. Then I started abusing the pill about 3 years ago and that has led to an unhealthy lifestyle, I am constantly wired and buzzed and I am smoking cigarettes regularly now. Something I've never done.

 

I really want to quit and I have given my boyfriend my medication in portions and I am trying to regulate it that way. But I don't want to fuck up my career. Will I screw up my career? Is it worth it to become happy and healthy again?

 

Help

[LILTEX41]

Hi Jeffersontbs,

 

I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell you exactly what will happen to your career, but truth is I don't know.  I can tell you what happened to me and maybe that could help give you hope though.  But first, the big question you've asked, "Is it worth it to become happy and healthy again?" ABSOLUTELY!!!  I was once athletic and strong too before taking adderall.  In 2002 I actually ran my first marathon and qualified for the Boston Marathon.  I had been sober during the 8 months leading up to the marathon of course, but what made me really sad was the fact I ended up relapsing pretty soon after that on alcohol and then later on got hooked on adderall.  I then went on a 5-6 year span of severe adderall addiction and became a chain smoker.  Hard to believe you can go from qualifying for the Boston Marathon to a chain smoker, right?  Thanks adderall!!  

 

Anyhow, here is what happened to me with my career on adderall.  I started ritalin when I got my first steady job.  I stayed in the same field for those 5 years and got a few promotions.  Right when I got a promotion as a supervisor, my adderall use had grown severely out of control.  I was feeling very excited at first for this role, but as more was expected out of me and the more I began popping more pills.  It was like the snowball effect.  Suddenly, not only was I worried about my job performance, but managing others as well and to make matters worse, it was a highly dysfunctional group.  There were all these little cliques of people backstabbing one another and trying to get each other fired.  It was too much and I kept popping more adderall.  And you know what happens when you take too much adderall.  It does NOT make you emotionally stable. Let's just say that.  It was a disaster. I ended up in the ER, then taken to a psych ward, then they realized I just needed to detox. I stayed there 7 days. 7 freaking days!!

 

Anyhow, I finally just dug myself into the ground and decided I needed to get off those pills more than anything.  I decided I needed to be as stress free as possible and get far away from all that drama. It was just too much to deal with and it wasn't worth it.  I actually resumed my previous position and switched to the night shift for a year.  It was a tad bit hard on my ego, but in the end it was worth it.  I used my extra days off to get really healthy again and I trained for an Ironman.  After the Ironman I changed jobs and started completely over from scratch with a new company.  Again, this took a good year before I felt like I even really knew what I was doing, but I decided to move and get yet another job.  Anyhow, because I had spent an entire year at this company sober and worked really hard with no drama and nothing but a good clean reputation, I tried to quit, but they didn't like that at all. They made me this incredible offer and I got big pay raise, bonus, and now work from home.  It may not be perfect, but it's a heck of a lot better than all the crap I was dealing with before.

 

More than anything though, this whole experience just proved to me that I am so much better off adderall free.  I built my entire existence with this new company from scratch not knowing a thing.  I had no adderall.  I just showed up everyday and did the best I could and kept to myself.  Being sober is of course what has helped me more than anything though.  

 

I just think more than anything, sometimes you have to take one step back in order to move two steps forward.  If you miss one opportunity to save your entire life in the process, then hell yeah, it's worth it.  Just know that the more stress you take on..it's probably not going to be helpful to you in either case right now.  If you are adderall free, then it will be asking too much.  But if you are still taking adderall, it may just lead you further into spinning out of control.  Either way, just take care of yourself and know that you are worth the extra time and effort it takes to overcome this. 

 

Wishing you the best!  Keep us posted on how you're doing.  I love reading all the success stories here.  There is kinda a magical spirit that drifts around this board.  Hope it catches you.  

[AlwaysAwesome]

Is it feasible to take a 2 week "vacation" to do a cold turkey quit?  I would not recommend stepping down, especially if you need to be able to function at work.  It drags it on too long.  Cold turkey is painful, but it has a definite physical withdrawal phase and when it is over, then you are left with the emotional part.  Because the mind is harder to convince that the body that Adderall is bad for you, you can't have any pills lying around for you to find.  I always recommend cutting off all sources and telling everyone in your life.  I even told my coworkers and posted my quit story on facebook.  I was all in and, this time, my quit was successful! 

 

Good luck and welcome to our little world!

[hyper_critical]

jeffersontbh,

 

I may have written the exact same post three years ago. Sounds like we have similar stories.

 

Deep down, I knew I had a serious problem that had to be addressed. I couldn't control my use, and my life was spinning out of control. Not my job, of course - I kept that on lock and pointed to it as evidence I had my act together. But my health, relationships, and emotional state were all crumbling. If I kept going down that path, as hard as it is to say, I would have died. And death wouldn't have necessarily been the worst outcome (amphetamine psychosis).

 

I needed to go to rehab, and it took a year for me to get back to work.

 

There are many on here who used like we did and now have several years clean. I know a couple in real life, too. None of them regret getting off Adderall. All of them say it's the most important thing they've done in their lives. Some needed to take the measures I did. Others had a different path. I know for me, this has been a long process and despite my kicking and screaming at the time, I am eternally grateful for it. At the end, I was willing to do whatever it took to get off and stay off that drug.

 

Deep down you know what you have to do.

 

Life is SO much better on the other side.

 

h_c

[Rightplace]

You may be asking the wrong question. Instead of asking if your career will be ruined, consider asking: Will staying on the pills ruin your life, relationships and ultimately your career (as we both know it's not sustainable in the long term to keep taking the pills and working like robot.)I guess I would ask myself what's more important, career or my life? Shitty cliche question I know. But logically if you think about it, continuing on adderall for the sake of work or promotion may not make sense when adderall has been responsible for losing jobs and promotions in the past. Carrying on may help with the career today but I'm sure you know deep down inside that it's not the career or promotion that makes life wonderful. You have a boyfriend and live in this beautiful world and truly have the power to feel worthy and important with or without a career or promotion.

Maybe if you can return to your pre-adderall self and go through the withdrawal, you'll return to a happier person which will in turn lead to some life successes (beyond career). You said you used to be bubbly and happy and not so awkward and shy.

If you quit you may not have the same career routine as before. You may still be successful but it will require more effort and mental energy.

Good news: if you decide to stop, its completely doable! And it can be pretty amazing to see and think and feel normal again. I seriously have resurrected some old friendships already, am closer to my parents, and love that I'm able to be real again, not veneered in stimulants. But I'll be honest, I have a ways to go as I have to deal with wirhdrawal still and learning how to manage my emotions. My work productivity has dipped and I feel exhausted working at the same levels, but I havent been fired by anyone and don't think I will.

If you decide to quit,I would go cold turkey based on your higher dosage levels as I think it's going to feel like cold turkey even if you just reduce. I'm not s Doctor tho, so I could be wrong. But I would give yourself a home-made rehab if you can and take at least one week off work and ask a friend/family/boyfriend member to babysit you and keep u company.

Good luck

[jeffersontbs]

Thank you all for replying to my post. I am new to this website and it feels really good to hear there are other people out there who have lived a similar situation I am in now. And thank you for taking the time to tell your story and relate to me.

 

So I have taken some steps for the better. A couple weeks ago, I sat down with my boss and I told him the truth. It was so so so uncomfortable. I told him I am addicted to adderall and I am trying to get off of it-Together, we went over my options: I could either start to work part time to help deal with the withdrawal symptoms or try to stick it out with symptoms and all or quit all together. I am so fortunate to have a boss like I do. He did his best to understand and I am so thankful for this.

 

I also finally told my mom that I was trying to get off the drug. She didn't ask much and I didn't give her many details, but at least she knows and that was a big step for me.

 

So my boyfriend has been a big help and I have, more than less, successfully stuck with the certain pills a day administered by my boyfriend. I have been able to accomplish a fair amount of tasks during the day without the help of a lot of adderall, more specifically, a normal dose of 60 mgs a day.

 

My big question is, do you guys have any experience of being addicted to adderall and then being able to control taking a "normal" dosage again? I have generally been able to function with taking a smaller dosage. But then again I don't think I can trust myself to not take more than I should. Do you guys have any experience with this?

 

Thanks again,

 

jeffersontbs (code name)

 

 

[AlwaysAwesome]

I never used more than was prescribed.  However, a few months ago I found some stimulant weight loss pills in a drawer.  The draw to take them was so strong that I was shocked!  I was able to resist, but it was so hard.  I am of the opinion that all Adderall is bad and should go.  If you have a history of abuse, then definitely quit completely.  It is too hard to do the right thing when this drug is involved.