Day 1 - Feeling OK - Is misery laying in wait?

[britt696]

Hey folks-

I've been dreading quitting adderall bc I've read about the horrible experiences people have had. Today is day 1 on no Adderall (took 100-150mg every day for the past 10 days) and higher-than-prescribed doses for the few months beforehand. I've been on stimulants for the past 4 months. At first it was great but then I got addicted and started taking more than I was supposed to. As I crossed that line, I stopped being productive and just isolated and got weird and SMOKED like a chimney. I couldn't get anything done bc I was constantly going outside to smoke cigs and reading about stimulant addiction on my phone. I'd do the addictive behavior and then read about other people with the same addiction. Bizarre. Hands and feet are always cold, chest hurts and its feels like work to smile or be social. I'm already a weirdo so the last thing I need is something to make me even more of an odd duck. Also, noticed that my mouth would not pronounce words correctly and I couldn't think of certain words. It was like my vocabulary was cut in half. All-in-all, it sucked. I have had previous pill addictions so I'm not surprised I fell into this trap.

I'm going to ask for Daytrana. It is a patch so med is delivered through the skin so I can't OD on pills. Anyone have experience with Daytrana? Or, is this site strictly for those who want to give up all stimulants?

Anyway, I feel ok today. I took a bunch of B vitamins and an energy drink this morning so I've got help from that. But, I've never logged onto a forum while at work so my focus is not as on point as it was. Ugh. But, do you think the withdawl/misery is looming? Or, am I not going to have that response since I've only been on it for a few months? I'm hoping I'm going to somehow circumvent the torment I've been reading about for the past few weeks.

-B

[CosmiKitten]

Hey Brit

Congratulations on deciding to quit, especially after only 4 months of being on the stuff! Its taken many of us much longer to gather up the strength to stop stimulants, I think this is a good sign that you will be successful.

I wasn't taking as high as a dose when I quit adderall 13 days ago -- I tried to taper down from taking 30 mg a day to 5 mg so that I could quit on new years, but I ended up skipping a couple days of the meds completely (I didn't want to be all geeked out on Christmas around family... plus I really wanted to enjoy all the food ) So when I ended up with extra on the day before new years, I took what I had left over which brought be back to 30 mg. I thought about throwing away the extra, for half a second, but I figured, I'm never going to take the stuff again, might as well enjoy it while I have it! Someone on this site said once that "Stepping down is for people who never stepped up to feel better", and I'm inclined to agree. Quitting cold turkey may be the best way for a stimulant addict, especially if you've already proven to yourself its the only way.

Everything you said here, well, I might as well have written it myself:

"At first it was great but then I got addicted and started taking more than I was supposed to. As I crossed that line, I stopped being productive and just isolated and got weird and SMOKED like a chimney. I couldn't get anything done bc I was constantly going outside to smoke cigs and reading about stimulant addiction on my phone. I'd do the addictive behavior and then read about other people with the same addiction. Bizarre. Hands and feet are always cold, chest hurts and its feels like work to smile or be social. I'm already a weirdo so the last thing I need is something to make me even more of an odd duck. Also, noticed that my mouth would not pronounce words correctly and I couldn't think of certain words. It was like my vocabulary was cut in half. All-in-all, it sucked."

I used to wonder if the not pronouncing words correctly and blocking out certain words was just me going crazy, The more I read other peoples experiences, the more I'm seeing that its incredibly common. Also, I find it kind of funny, in the ironic sort of way, that so much of my time spent on adderall was being worried about/focused on my adderall addiction: researching it online, obsessing over side effects, noticing the change in myself and constantly reprimanding myself for being so weird to others, and on the flip side, obsessing over how good I felt, contemplating how and when I should take my next dose (maybe an hour early today? should I snort it or chew it up?), and worrying about whether my appointments to get more would pan out or not

Anyway, as I said, I wasn't taking as high of a dose as you were, but I feel like our side effects were similar enough that I can relate a bit. The first day, I also felt pretty good. When you're on stimulants for an extended period of time, I think NOT being on them is almost a drug in itself. I was lucky enough to get a four day weekend from work. If you can get any time off from work right now, even if you have to call in sick for a day, I highly recommend it. I think the second, third and fourth days were the hardest for me.

On the second day, I think the novelty of not being on stimulants had started wearing off already. I had a couple of angry outbursts, which is INCREDIBLY unlike me, I'm very easy going and rarely get angry, and when I do its usually inwardly. But I spent the second day in cycles of snapping at and apologizing to my fiancee. I barely got off the couch but when I was forced to do so for whatever reason (like, having to actually make my own food to feed my ravenous appetite, or feed the meowing cat), I was enraged that I should have to do so and took it out on my house, stomping and banging and slamming things about. Very unlike me. I also got really sad from time to time. Day three was similar, full of anger and sadness, but day four I remember waking up and feeling really good. And I said, "okay, today is my last day off. I have to go back to work tomorrow, so I'm going to clean the house, do my laundry, cook a healthy meal etc etc etc. Aaaaand of course I spend the entire day on my PS3 while eating doritos, slightly hating myself for it.

Still, I didn't hate myself for my lack of accomplishments as much as I did when I hated myself on adderall (and really, how much more did I truly accomplish on adderall in the end, if anything?)

Going back to work was a million times easier than I thought. I was so afraid that I would be tired, lazy, screwing up, etc, especially because I started working at this job ON adderall, and everyone knew me as that person. I don't know why I thought I would suddenly not know how to do my job anymore just because I wasn't taking stimulants, I was just as capable of working sober as I was on speed. The only things that have changed are that I'm doing everything maybe a bit slower, but I'm also conciously trying to be a bit more careful and go over my work. Other than that, I'm not forcing myself to go that extra mile as I used to every day, because I really don't care to. And thats fine too, because no one else ever seemed to care to, and even my extra credit attempts while on adderall seemed to either never be noticed by everyone else at work, or I was looked at as a total weirdo nerd for caring so much. Its actualy kind of nice to be as lazy at work as everyone else is for a change!

I'm sure the ride is different for everyone. Expect a lot of ups and downs, and just keep hanging on in the meanwhile. The best advice I can give is:

-Get LOTS of sleep every night, especially on work nights. You want to feel the torture of being sleepy as little as possible while you are going through this.

-Eat well, as much as you can. Lilah has made a great post on this site about Nutrional needs after quitting adderall, I highly recommend it. Before I quit, i went out and bought lots of healthy food... but ended up mostly getting a lot of take out and eating junk food. Which I completely forgive myself for... because it was delicious! How nice to enjoy food again! But I did make myself quite a few creative organic fruit and yogurt smoothies, something I had never done before and was very fun, plus they really did give me a boost of energy!

-Don't be hard on yourself, For this first week or so allow yourself to slack off at work to the point where you can pass for working without getting fired, and let your house become a wreck if the other people you're living with can put up with it. You WILL have the strength to conquer these things again, but don't expect it from yourself yet.

-Tell as many people in your life as you can that you are quitting, it will help them understand what you are going through, and allow them to check you if you ever sneak back on stimulants

-Read this site a lot

- Give yourself at least 30 days before you go on another stimulant, and do a lot of thinking in the meantime. I've never heard of Daytrana, I'll look into it after finishing up this post (and hopefully not run out the door to get a prescription for it!), but I think you might be happier and better off living unmedicated, knowing that all you achieve is because of YOU, not because of medicine. I'm not a doctor, I can only give advice based on my own experience, but I hope you will give no stimulants a try before changing stimulants. Either way, you are welcome here, we will not shun you if you decide to try something else!

Good luck with everything, please keep us updated!

Cosmikitten