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About CosmiKitten

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  2. I’ve been trying to just remind myself that I tend to be very hard and critical of myself, which is the reason why I loved adderall in the first place, it helped me meet my high expectations of myself (as it would anybody!). Even on adderall though I was not satisfied with my level of productivity, especially after the "magic" of it wore off. Right now I am just trying to take pride in my small accomplishments.. very small accomplishments. Here is a little story that highlights just how bad I am with getting stuff done nowadays: One day last week I loathingly cleaned my way-too-full bathroom cabinets to make room for a box of toiletries my mom got me for Christmas. She does this every year for me, because she knows I am absent minded when it comes to remembering to buy those kinds of things when I am at the grocery store. It's very sweet. Once she hilariously used the word "condiment" instead of "toiletry", so it is a tradition now that every year for Christmas I receive a Condiment Box, full of a years worth of shampoo, soap, toothpaste, lotions, loofahs, razors etc. If anyone hasn't noticed (because I certainly didn't), It is now March, and this box had been sitting in my livingroom since Christmas. I quit adderall on New Years Day, so it should be of no surprise to me or anyone else that it has taken this long to put a box of 20 or so items where they belong. So anyway, I finally forced myself to start cleaning out these cabinets, angrily and depressedly. I even wanted to quit halfway through, with bottles and stuff all over the toilet and the sink. If I lived by myself, I might have just done that and left it a mess for another week. But I kept at it, eventualy forgot how painful it was, began to get excited at how much space I had once I got rid of all the empty containers, and now it looks really nice. The clutter doesn't hurt my brain. Once when I was complaining to my fiancee that I couldn't get myself to be consistent about anything, 1. Because I despise routines and 2. Because I'm so absent minded, he suggested that if there is something I would like to do every day, I commit to doing it every day for Just Two Weeks. After that, if I don't want to do it every day, I don't have to. So my current two week commitment is this: -Know what date is, every day. -Drink 16 oz of water when I wake up. -Take a multi-vitamin. -Use mouthwash after I brush my teeth. I do this very quickly and easily in my now-clean bathroom with a mini desk calendar, 16 oz bottle, multi-vitamin, and mouthwash all lined up in a row. I like having the calendar there cause its bright and it doesn't really fit into the whole bathroom scheme, and it reminds me to do the routine, whereas everything else by itself wouldn't. Plus it has a different quote about peace on it every day that I can read (once I find my glasses... which I usually don't before I do the bathroom routine, haha). I've been doing this tiny routine for about a week now, and while I don't do the dishes every day, or fold and put away my laundry, or eat very healthily, I can say that I feel very accomplished that I have stuck to this dumb little plan. Even though its such a simple thing to achieve, it has really helped me feel better every day. -Knowing what day it is: makes me feel more like I am not just letting time pass me by -Chugging 16 oz of water right after waking: curbs my ridiculous appetite for excessive sugar in the morning, and makes me feel healthier overall. -Taking a multi-vitamin: hasn't made me feel any different just yet, but at least gives me kind of a placebo effect, knowing that I am taking this easy step to a healthier body/mind -Using mouthwash daily: wakes me up a little more, and has already noticeably made my teeth whiter. I know I really need to take care of my teeth now after all the damage adderall has done, and I've been slacking on that since depression hit after I stopped using. I feel a lot better about myself now that this routine is in place... I will add flossing to the equation very soon! So in the small ways that this tiny routine makes me feel better every day, I often feel more apt to do other things that I would normally be very resistant to doing. And even on days that I don't, I forgive myself, because I KNOW how critical and demanding of myself I am, and I know it is hindering me, and never caused me to become better. Rather, it caused me to give up, to wallow and feel hopeless in my situation. Bad strategy, doesn't work. So this new plan is to build small habits, very slowly, until they become a part of me and bring me to a place of better health. And to forgive myself for not being perfect, and not letting my mistakes bring me down. At the end of next week I'm going to add a new two week plan, which may go something like this: -Wake up NO LATER than 6:30 on work days (usually I wake up at 6:50 every day to be out the door by 7:05... this causes me great stress. I'll in such a rush that I forget things I need to bring to work, or I won't take the time to look my best. I'm usually late once a week too.) -Limit myself to ONE coffee per day, to save money and not be a slave to caffine -Do not drop dirty laundry ANYWHERE except the hamper. How much time to I waste every week trying to fish clothes out from under the bed, pulling socks out of the couch or gathering up entire outfits from behind the bathroom door? Too much, thats how much. I'll let you guys know how this is all going
  3. Hey guys, I am planning on buying a laptop with my tax return... I'm pretty set on getting a sony vaio unless someone really wants to convince me otherwise. So some things I have been thinking about are... What kind of specs should I be looking for? I want to use the laptop for excellent fast web surfing, web page development, and high level video editing software. Basically I don't care how heavy it is or anything like that, as long as its fast, has a decent video card (moreso for video editing rather than gaming) and decent sized memory. Multitasking without lagging!! I don't think I need a CD/DVD drive even. I'm hoping to spend around 800 dollars max, is that reasonable for what I'm looking for? Also, any input on where I should buy it? I am leaning towards going to Best Buy, or just ordering from the Sony website. Any advice whatsoever is appreciated.
  4. Cravings after quitting adderall

    I crave sweets a LOT too. To be fair, I ate a lot of sweet stuff while I was on adderall too... sugary drinks, syrupy coffee, frosted donuts (always frosted!!!) in lieu of real meals. For me, I connect the taste of sugar to that high, on top of the world feeling that I experienced on adderall. But now that my hunger is back in full force, I eat so much, I eat all day, I eat the WORST food! Fried, fatty, salty, sweet... as long as its bad for me, I want it! I'm trying to learn how to change my eating habits so I don't gain a ton of weight, but its going to be a slow process.. One thing I am doing is keeping a 16 oz bottle of water next to my bed and chugging it when I wake up. Curbs hunger AND keeps you regular (lol tmi?) I have some serious love for chocolate. Here's a good article on why we crave it: I've heard that its better to eat dark chocolate instead of milk chocolate because milk prevents your body from absorbing compounds found in chocolate that your body is craving. I'd like to work more on not feeding into my cravings though, because at this point I think the amount of sugar, fat, and caffine I have every day is contributing to my depression and fatigue
  5. 8 days and doing pretty well!

    (or stimulant free rather. Its all the same malarky!)
  6. 8 days and doing pretty well!

    Did you know that they have meth in prescription form for ADD now? Its called desoxyn and I guess a generic will be out soon also I can't believe they give this stuff to children, I am scared for the world. Found this one on a drug recovery website: "Justification and rationalization leads to masturbation because you're just screwing yourself!" Congrats on being adderall free!
  7. Boston

    I am interested in meeting up with people who have successfully quit adderall or are trying to quit, and also starting a support/meeting group. If you live in the Boston area and are interested in any of these things, please PM me, I'd love to meet you!!
  8. Rebuilding your Life after Adderall

    Congratulations on your week without adderall! I have 44 days now, and I can definitely say there are some rough times ahead. My best advice from my quitting experience so far is to focus on all the ways your life has improved since you quit (getting personality back, not feeling like a crazy person, a genuine sense of happiness rather than a fake one), rather than anything that you are losing (productivity, a sense of direction in life), and if you have urges to go back to it, come back to this site and read the post you have written about what Adderall did to you. It is easy to forget all the terrible stuff it does when you are longing for its stupid fake benefits. Since I am early in quitting, I try to remind myself that the most important thing right now, is that I DON'T TAKE ADDERALL. Yes, my life is falling apart around me, I have lost many personal items, I now despise my job, I can't get motivated to do anything, and I am depressed a lot. But I am not taking adderall, and I think that, for me, being ADD-ridden and Adderall-free is on a higher tier than being a Productivity Zombie on Adderall. A much higher tier. We work to live, not live to work!! Best of luck to you, please keep us updated on how you are doing!!
  9. Hey everyone! I'm proud to say I still haven't taken any adderall since 2010! I have been having a rough go at it, to be honest. The first month kind of few by because I had two bouts of illnesses - one a stomach flu and one a cold. When I had the stomach flu, I was really grateful to not be on adderall, I think I would have assumed I was dying. But when I had the cold, I really missed it, because it was even harder to get through work. But to be honest, after my cold subsided, it just meant my work days were easier. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? In fact, I kind of suspect that going off the adderall made me more susceptible to getting sick, since I felt so terribly tired and run down. I had so many days off in January due to the holiday, snow days, comp days, and it has helped make it a little easier. But a five day week does feel rough. I just don't care at work much anymore.. As I feared it turns out I am not passionate about this job. Luckily I don't have to be, because there is not much to do there. I spend a lot of time on the one news website we are allowed to go to, along with other multiple ways of slacking off. Just like everyone else who works there. I have a lot more compassion for my coworkers now. I used to be disgusted with the fact that they didn't try to keep themselves busy, or would complain constantly about the job. While I don't like to hear the complaining, I now completely understand the suffering of waiting for those hours to pass, and having very little interest in "making work" for onesself. I do keep messing up a lot though, both at work and in my personal life. For the past couple weeks, its really been taking its toll on me. I get nothing done, its true, My Life Is Really Falling Apart Around Me!! I've lost my house keys, my debit card, and my credit card. I am spending way too much money. I don't get things done that are really quite important (like changing the PCP on my insurance so that I don't get charged for the appointment that i ALREADY had). In fact, I forget a lot of what I'm supposed to do half the time. I tried using an "assignment book", but that was short lived (three days) because I didn't complete half the stuff I wrote down to do (and believe me, I set the standards reaaaallly lowww). I'm starting to accept the fact that I will never be the kind of person that is constantly productive, because this is something I never learned in the first place. Growing up, I didn't have to tie up my own loose ends, ever, and I attribute this to 90 percent of my ADD. I never had any chores, never did dishes, laundry, or take the trash out. Had my own pets but they were taken care of for me. Somehow managed to graduate highschool by doing maybe 5 percent of my homework. If I left a drawer or cabinet open (which I do without fail, every day) my mother would close it for me. I am not kidding. So I am used to having all these hours of "me time", which usually involve sitting and doing nothing and some kind of media, like internet, tv, or video games (SOO MANY VIDEO GAMES), or just staring into space and daydreaming (entire hours have passed that I have spent day dreaming and not even realized it!) Giving this time up to be productive is hard. Wah, I know, life SOOO hard, cry me a river, right? But growing up spoiled really has spoiled me... and its a combination of not being willing, but also just not knowing HOW to go about staying on top of my life. I do go through very productive phases however, usually when I'm in a great mood I can get a lot of cleaning and organizing done (God forbid any work should be slightly boring right? I must only be in the happiest and giddiest of moods to do anything productive!! Thats a mindset I have to get rid of). The next day I will think "Wonderful! I have done a great job!" and do nothing for the next week. Then the tasks are piled up in front of me again, and they all seem so overwhelming. One thing, and possibly the One Good Thing that Adderall has Taught me, is how to break down a task. The first time I took adderall, I was maybe 18 years old. I was living and working with my mother (probably wouldn't have gotten a job without her help..). Anyway, my room was trashed. And it had been trashed for possibly three years. It was the one thing my mother didn't to do for me (although she did come in and pick up my laundry, wherever i left it... sigh). And I wanted to clean it so bad. I thought about it every single day. It depressed and overwhelmed me. The truth was, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW. One night I had spent the evening at a friends house, and they had adderall, and gave me a ten mg dose for the way home. "Chew it," my friend said "It will make you feel great." So I took it shortly after leaving my friends house the next morning. On the bus ride home, I started to feel amazing. I also felt like the constant cloud of confusion that I always felt in my brain was lifting. Suddenly, I had things that I wanted to do, and I knew how to do them! I started cleaning my room right away when I got home. But the task went from: -Clean room to: -Get trash bag from under sink and bring it into bedroom -Put trash in bedroom into trashbag -Put trashbag in hallway in case more trash is found later -Pick up all clothes and put them into hamper -Put all Books on Bookshelf -Put all Papers in Pile -Some things belong in other rooms. Put bathroom objects in a bathroom pile, livingroom objects in another, etc. -Return items to their rightful places -For each surface, temporarily move objects to wipe down surfaces, and replace objects afterward -Remove remaining objects from floor, and sweep floor -File away pile of papers (Of course, my mom realized something was up with me when I was doing this and also talking a mile a minute. She asked, are you on speed? lol. I denied it but weeks later I told her "Yes mom, i was on an ADD medication. It obviously works for me and I obviously have ADD. I am going to ask my psychiatrist for it next time we go. And voila). So Adderall taught me to think this way, to look at big projects and break them down. Obiously, this is much harder to do without adderall, and that is where the weight of living comes in. We all have to do things we aren't motivated to do, but knowing how to break down a task makes it easier. Honestly, even something like doing the dishes overwhelms me if I don't think of it in terms of small task. To get started, I literally have to say, What first? Oh, first I have to put the dry dishes in the strainer away. Now I have to turn on the water. Now I have to put soap in the sponge. Because if I tell myself "I have to go do the dishes now", this feels like a very, very heavy burden to me. But putting the dry dishes away isn't so hard, and neither is turning on the water or wetting the sponge. This may seem insane to people who have been cleaning and doing dishes all their life. But after telling myself "Clean room, Do Dishes" a billion times and not getting it done, breaking a billion promises to myself, I realize now I can't keep going through the cycle of beating myself up because I'm scatterbrained. I have to accomadate to how I operate. I have to take on, to start, only what I know I can get done, and I have to break it down in a way that makes me understand immediately how I'm going to do it, lest I get distracted or overwhelmed. And Coffee. Loottss of coffee. Talk to you guys soon <3
  10. Hi everyone, I'm thinking of trying to start up a support group in Boston and I was wondering if anyone would be interested in helping me do so, whether you live around here and would like to participate, or even if you live elsewhere and just have some ideas to help me make it happen. I guess to start out it would be just a discussion group, like AA without the 12 steps, but be similar in that there is anonymity and no cross talk, with the focus our our stories and struggles with stimulants, the quitting experience, and how we have tried to manage our lives and ADD symptoms without uppers. Boston is home to some of the most prestigious colleges: Harvard University, Boston university, Boston college, gifts university, etc etc. I once read that stimulant medication is used in the northeast US more than anywhere else. Top it off with the fact that we are home to some of the biggest biotech companies including Shire, the makers of Adderall, adderall generics, Vyvanese, and Daytrana, I'm not worried about finding people who want to join up. It probably wouldn't take more than a bulliten board post at a college or two, i imagine. So anyone willing to help in any way, id appreciate it, it's a big project that I'd like to take on, but I don't think I can do it alone :-)
  11. Day 1 - Feeling OK - Is misery laying in wait?

    Hey Brit Congratulations on deciding to quit, especially after only 4 months of being on the stuff! Its taken many of us much longer to gather up the strength to stop stimulants, I think this is a good sign that you will be successful. I wasn't taking as high as a dose when I quit adderall 13 days ago -- I tried to taper down from taking 30 mg a day to 5 mg so that I could quit on new years, but I ended up skipping a couple days of the meds completely (I didn't want to be all geeked out on Christmas around family... plus I really wanted to enjoy all the food ) So when I ended up with extra on the day before new years, I took what I had left over which brought be back to 30 mg. I thought about throwing away the extra, for half a second, but I figured, I'm never going to take the stuff again, might as well enjoy it while I have it! Someone on this site said once that "Stepping down is for people who never stepped up to feel better", and I'm inclined to agree. Quitting cold turkey may be the best way for a stimulant addict, especially if you've already proven to yourself its the only way. Everything you said here, well, I might as well have written it myself: "At first it was great but then I got addicted and started taking more than I was supposed to. As I crossed that line, I stopped being productive and just isolated and got weird and SMOKED like a chimney. I couldn't get anything done bc I was constantly going outside to smoke cigs and reading about stimulant addiction on my phone. I'd do the addictive behavior and then read about other people with the same addiction. Bizarre. Hands and feet are always cold, chest hurts and its feels like work to smile or be social. I'm already a weirdo so the last thing I need is something to make me even more of an odd duck. Also, noticed that my mouth would not pronounce words correctly and I couldn't think of certain words. It was like my vocabulary was cut in half. All-in-all, it sucked." I used to wonder if the not pronouncing words correctly and blocking out certain words was just me going crazy, The more I read other peoples experiences, the more I'm seeing that its incredibly common. Also, I find it kind of funny, in the ironic sort of way, that so much of my time spent on adderall was being worried about/focused on my adderall addiction: researching it online, obsessing over side effects, noticing the change in myself and constantly reprimanding myself for being so weird to others, and on the flip side, obsessing over how good I felt, contemplating how and when I should take my next dose (maybe an hour early today? should I snort it or chew it up?), and worrying about whether my appointments to get more would pan out or not Anyway, as I said, I wasn't taking as high of a dose as you were, but I feel like our side effects were similar enough that I can relate a bit. The first day, I also felt pretty good. When you're on stimulants for an extended period of time, I think NOT being on them is almost a drug in itself. I was lucky enough to get a four day weekend from work. If you can get any time off from work right now, even if you have to call in sick for a day, I highly recommend it. I think the second, third and fourth days were the hardest for me. On the second day, I think the novelty of not being on stimulants had started wearing off already. I had a couple of angry outbursts, which is INCREDIBLY unlike me, I'm very easy going and rarely get angry, and when I do its usually inwardly. But I spent the second day in cycles of snapping at and apologizing to my fiancee. I barely got off the couch but when I was forced to do so for whatever reason (like, having to actually make my own food to feed my ravenous appetite, or feed the meowing cat), I was enraged that I should have to do so and took it out on my house, stomping and banging and slamming things about. Very unlike me. I also got really sad from time to time. Day three was similar, full of anger and sadness, but day four I remember waking up and feeling really good. And I said, "okay, today is my last day off. I have to go back to work tomorrow, so I'm going to clean the house, do my laundry, cook a healthy meal etc etc etc. Aaaaand of course I spend the entire day on my PS3 while eating doritos, slightly hating myself for it. Still, I didn't hate myself for my lack of accomplishments as much as I did when I hated myself on adderall (and really, how much more did I truly accomplish on adderall in the end, if anything?) Going back to work was a million times easier than I thought. I was so afraid that I would be tired, lazy, screwing up, etc, especially because I started working at this job ON adderall, and everyone knew me as that person. I don't know why I thought I would suddenly not know how to do my job anymore just because I wasn't taking stimulants, I was just as capable of working sober as I was on speed. The only things that have changed are that I'm doing everything maybe a bit slower, but I'm also conciously trying to be a bit more careful and go over my work. Other than that, I'm not forcing myself to go that extra mile as I used to every day, because I really don't care to. And thats fine too, because no one else ever seemed to care to, and even my extra credit attempts while on adderall seemed to either never be noticed by everyone else at work, or I was looked at as a total weirdo nerd for caring so much. Its actualy kind of nice to be as lazy at work as everyone else is for a change! I'm sure the ride is different for everyone. Expect a lot of ups and downs, and just keep hanging on in the meanwhile. The best advice I can give is: -Get LOTS of sleep every night, especially on work nights. You want to feel the torture of being sleepy as little as possible while you are going through this. -Eat well, as much as you can. Lilah has made a great post on this site about Nutrional needs after quitting adderall, I highly recommend it. Before I quit, i went out and bought lots of healthy food... but ended up mostly getting a lot of take out and eating junk food. Which I completely forgive myself for... because it was delicious! How nice to enjoy food again! But I did make myself quite a few creative organic fruit and yogurt smoothies, something I had never done before and was very fun, plus they really did give me a boost of energy! -Don't be hard on yourself, For this first week or so allow yourself to slack off at work to the point where you can pass for working without getting fired, and let your house become a wreck if the other people you're living with can put up with it. You WILL have the strength to conquer these things again, but don't expect it from yourself yet. -Tell as many people in your life as you can that you are quitting, it will help them understand what you are going through, and allow them to check you if you ever sneak back on stimulants -Read this site a lot - Give yourself at least 30 days before you go on another stimulant, and do a lot of thinking in the meantime. I've never heard of Daytrana, I'll look into it after finishing up this post (and hopefully not run out the door to get a prescription for it!), but I think you might be happier and better off living unmedicated, knowing that all you achieve is because of YOU, not because of medicine. I'm not a doctor, I can only give advice based on my own experience, but I hope you will give no stimulants a try before changing stimulants. Either way, you are welcome here, we will not shun you if you decide to try something else! Good luck with everything, please keep us updated! Cosmikitten
  12. Need support!

    Lilah!! Happy New Year!!! I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I've read your post several times and have been drafting a response for days! But today I feel most comfortable replying - Today is my first day without adderall! and the beginning of a desperately needed four day weekend. Thanks to your well-written and informative post about nutrional needs (which you wrote WITHOUT adderall!) my house is stocked full of good stuff for me (minus a bit of leftover chinese food from new years, hehe). I got eggs and yogurts for breakfasts and whole grain pasta, lots of fruits and veggies. It felt good going out and buying all that stuff, it made me actually feel excited about quitting! I hope you have been strong enough to stay away from the crank. Seeing your struggle even after a year of not using reminds me that this really is an addiction, its not just something thats going to go away after the withdrawal period. Having quit once before for over a three year stretch, I know the feeling of wanting to go back is very powerful. I had a lot of the same thoughts as you in going back on it as far as wanting it for career reasons. I liked my job OK, but it was incredibly hard work and paid barely anything, I needed to find something else but I couldn't get myself to work hard enough at applying for other jobs, I was too exhausted from the one I had already. I was disorganized, lazy, gaining too much weight, blah blah blah, you know the drill. I found myself thinking more and more about going back to adderall. I was remembering my "glory days" of accomplished lists, a bright, happy, outgoing, energetic personality, being a star at work, being really skinny. How magical. I harped on it in my head long enough to pursue a prescription. What I went through to get this prescription still blows my mind. I moved too far away from my last doctor to consider going back to him, so I got myself a new one. This process ended up involving a three hour psych evaluation, a neurological exam, a loonnng bullshit fill in the bubble personality diagnosis test, an EKG, an EEG, a session with the worst psychologist I ever met, and multiple visits with my PCP. Five doctors, nine appointments and a couple weeks later, I finally meet with the psychiatrist capable of giving me what I want, and within 20 minutes and without really consulting my file too much, he was glowingly happy to start me back up on adderall. He tells me he is going to start me on it slow and we can increase it later, as I had suspected of course, but ends up prescribing me one 20mg XR pill a day. He says he feels comfortable starting me on such a high dose because I have been on it before, and its obvious that I really need it. I was shocked and overjoyed at his irresponsibility, and began my addiction again. To be fair, I never lied about my ADD symptoms, though I emphasized them when it seemed right, and lied, of course, about why I stopped before, lied when they asked me if stimulants made me feel "really really good". ANYWAY, long story shortened, I got back on the junk, and LET ME TELL YOU, my period of reliving my "glory days" ended within two months, just enough time to get myself a new and much better paying job in an industry I have no passion for, and become more addicted than ever to the euphoria that burts out of my chest whenever I took a pill. And then it becomes bad, just like it did before, and want to go back to months ago and punch myself square in the face for thinking "Gee, remember when? I could get so much done, I could be so amazing, My life would be so much better". So then I'm getting really anti-social. I lose most of my sex drive to the point where I feel annoyed when my fiance tries to touch me. My general productivity becomes the obsessive tunnel vision type of productivity, instead of cleaning the whole house, I have to clean this one cabinet, scrub out impossible stains, everything must face the same way, blah blah you know all that. Eventually I have trouble speaking, my words come out kind of funny, I am nervous all the time and I think everyone is talking about me. Eating is a chore. The adderall doesn't really help me focus anymore. I smoke weed a lot more often than I did before just to help me eat and sleep. I have heart palpitations, headaches. I convince myself I have anyerisms in my head and blod clots on my legs. I'm checking my skin for parasites. My fiancee doesn't really like talking to me anymore because of the way I am becoming, and it seems I might lose him if I keep it up. I despise myself for all this. So why did I contine to take it for another seven months? Because even when everything became very very very bad, the adderall still made me feel good, either by its evil, incredible euphoria, or by just numbing me to any sense of real pain. When I see on this site that people have taken 60-80mgs a day, i can't wrap my head around it, because I NEVER EXCEEDED 40 MG a day! I took 20xr in the morning and 10 IR in the afternoon, and most of the time I stuck to that. When I decided to abuse my medication, it would either be by chewing up my IR dose, snorting it, or taking maybe 5 mg extra. 10 mg extra a day was a really speedy day for me. The point I'm making here is, it doesn't matter how little you're taking, it's what it does to you that proves your addiction. Here is the point I really want to make to you: However much you think you want to take adderall now, I can promise you, is nothing compared to how much you will want to take adderall WHILE you are on adderall! And the worst part of it is, never will you want to QUIT adderall more than you will while you are ON adderall! The internal struggle you have now about whether to take it or not, you can multiply the hatred of it by ten, and the love for it by eleven, and begin another cycle of wanting to quit and being unable to do so until you can't take the self destruction anymore. I'm there now, I'm broken and sick of it all and I can't live on adderall anymore, and I already cried today because I have no more pills. You don't want to go through this again. Don't fool yourself with this "limited supply" idea. You didn't end up on this site by accident Lilah, and its not because you aren't an addict that you were able to offer your help and encouragement to others. It is because you are an addict, because you know adderall very well. Even if you do only take a little here and there, its sure to hurt you in some ways, whether its by a sleepless night that you were positive you would be able to combat when you decided to take it, or messing up at work because you were to overfocused on one aspect project and neglected other things, or even by having such a wonderful, accomplishing, feel good experience that you make it incredibly difficult for yourself to not go out and get more. Im so happy you are not ashamed to admit your struggle after sharing with us so much of your success, because no one should be ashamed, and we will all need help from time to time. I know even after all I've written here, it will be easy for me to push that out of my head and find excuses to use again. If you have used again already, you can stop now before it gets any harder. As they say in NA, "keep coming", read this whole site again and again, its the only way I was able to quit. I've sent you a PM with my phone number in it in case you ever want to talk. Please keep us updated on how you are doing. Huggs!
  13. Preparing to quit - Which days are the worst?

    Lilah- Thank you so much for your response. After a lot of thinking, I've formulated a great plan to quit, with the perfect date: January 1st, 2011! I decided about halfway through december that I didn't want to get a new prescription, and when I counted my pills I realized I had enough to taper myself off by 5 mg or so every few days until the new year, so hopefully that will make it a little easier. And I was able to get the 3rd and the 4th off from work, leaving me with a four day weekend. I read your post about cushioning the crash, very well written and informative! I have a little shopping list ready to fill my house with some good foods, which I look forward to wanting to eat and actually enjoy As I said, this quitting thing has been coming for me for months, and I have a lot of support. My fiancee, a most wonderful person, the love of my life, who knew me before I started taking adderall has loved me even when I stopped being me. His faith that I'm in here somewhere gives me hope. I told my mom about my struggle. She knew that I was on ADD medication and that it helped me get things done, but I don't think she knew that it was "speed" per se. When I told her I was quitting for new years, I found myself explaining everything, how good they made me feel, all the terrible side effects they had, and how addicted I was. I was so grateful and surprised when she didn't judge me at all, she just told me how much she loved me and that I could call her any time that I needed to, and she said those things many times. I even told several people at work, three of my bosses. I was especially surprised at their support. I didn't say I was addicted, but I did tell them it would be hard to stop, that I wasn't sure if I could function without it. One woman said "You won't know unless you try". I keep thinking about that, it meant so much to me. They were totally find with giving me a couple extra days off, and when I explained that I would probably be tired and sluggish for awhile and that I was scared of making mistakes, they were lighthearted and told me not to worry, that I would be okay and they would keep an eye on me. So I have all the tools and the plan to succeed. I strongly advise anyone who really wants to quit to tell as many people as you feel comfortable with about your plan. I know it will be very hard to go get another Rx when i've confessed all the trouble its caused to so many people who care about me. So I'll be here a lot, I'm sure. I could write books with what I would like to say about adderall, and I know it will help me a lot. I can't thank everyone on this site enough, Mike, Lilah, and everyone who has posted here, I think I've read every inch of this site now! I wouldnt be ready to quit without reading the experiences and struggles that have so strongly echoed my own. And even though I haven't quit yet, I don't think its too early to say that you've all saved my life. I really felt alone in this for a long time, and you've all given me the strength to make this plan. My love and thanks to all of you.
  14. Hey everyone, I've been visiting this site now for the past six months or so, and just about every day this month. I'm getting ready to quit... I can say for sure that I can't live this way much longer. I'm losing my personality, social skills, sex drive, health, sanity, the list goes on. I've read the "How to Quit" page and I think its a good plan of action. So whats holding me back? My fears of course. My greatest fear right now: My withdrawal affecting my job Once when I was unable to get an appointment to refill before my prescription ran out, I had to go 2 days without adderall. I figured it wouldn't be a big deal, I had quit adderall once a couple years prior with little trouble; I was fed up with it, the very thought of continuing to take it made me sick. But this time it was HORRIBLE. I wasn't just tired, I was TIIIIRREEED. One of the things I love about adderall is NEVER EVER BEING TIRED. Sure, you get sleepy, and sometimes its hard to wake up, but I know that when I pop the pill, I'll feel awake, with a little euphora and excitement sprinkled on top. So I am ready to expect the dreadful fatigue and exhaustion, considering that not only is it natural during stimulant withdrawal, but even more painful considering I've practically forgotten what tired feels like. I work at a bank. During those two days without my prescription, I could barely keep my head up at my desk. I made a lot of mistakes... Bad ones. Like handing out too much money cause I was looking at the wrong numbers, poor data entry that caused accounts to bounce... and just a few days ago I had my review in which these things came up and affected my grading and salary increase poorly. I want to quit adderall and get back to my normal self, but I'm afraid of losing the best job I ever had. So I'm wondering... Should I start on a weekend? Should I try to get time off and take a week? Does it get better or worse after the first few days? How can I schedule this so I can keep myself from losing my job? Is my going off medication something that I should disclose to coworkers, or privately to HR? Should I do some kind of detoxing, cleansing thing to help get it out faster? I was also going to ask if anyone had any supplement/health suggestions for the withdrawal period, but I see a post is the works, looking forward to it! I'm so glad there are message boards up now, I really hope more people come and start posting, its obvious we greatly need each other's support.
  15. Quitting Adderall movies?

    Did anyone mention Spun? With Jason schwartzman, Brittany Murphy, Mickey rourke, John leguizamo, forgive me if I typed any of those names wrong, I'm using my phone here. It's about a group of meth addicts, and the behavior is pretty extreme, but I think there are many parallels to adderall use, particularly in the way the characters create their own little worlds, and seem to believe that they appear normal to others. There is a particular scene that, after days of everyone binging and staying awake, cuts to each character in their different locations finally sleeping peacefully that really gets to me. Highly recommend.