Keep fighting or pull away??

[Cindyka]

My husband is on adderall and he is not even thinking of quitting. It has helped him at work and in general he feels better and more productive.

My problem is that I constantly feel like a lazy slug compared to him. He is always busy on some project. If I ask him what he has to do on any given day, he lists off about 10 things. When we do spend time together he is focused on other things. If we watch a movie, he is on his phone the whole time playing a game while we are supposed to be watching the movie. If I look at my phone he will say "is this boring you?" He is easily frustrated with me to the point I don't even want to have conversations with him anymore. He gets annoyed if I take too long giving him information or if I make a mistake he constantly corrects me, without really seeming to engage in the conversation. He may ask how my day was but he is looking for the quick update not the actual sharing of information.

I read your article on how it can create distance in the relationship and I definitely feel that. I do try to reach out to him but it is frustrating when I feel like it is so one sided. If I give him a lot of space then he wants to know what's wrong. I feel like there is no good solution to this problem. He used to be a lot more kind and I think that is what I miss the most. He doesn't even think the medecine is an issue. If I ask him on the weekend did he take it, because usually he is being so business like and rude. He gets offended, I feel like I am being judgemental of his medical condition. I am tired of feeling like I am the problem. However I know that all of our problems aren't because of him or the adderall. I just really feel it is making it worse and I can't even discuss it as part of the problem. I feel like pulling away and giving myself a break from the responsibility of the whole relationship. Not leaving just creating some space and some time for myself. I am trying not to take everything he does on adderall so personally. Any advice?? Thanks in advance! It feels good to just vent.

[LILTEX41]

Hi Cindyka, 

 

I think he needs to know how you feel.  I would explain to him pretty much everything you explained to us and be very clear on how he's changed since taking this drug and how it's effecting you.  He needs to know the damage it's causing to the relationship.  It doesn't sound like he'll be very receptive to this conversation as from the sounds of it, he is in the height of adderall bliss and most likely feels totally justified by having a prescription that he would probably fight whatever negative things you say about it.  However, he needs to know exactly how you feel and what it is doing to you and your marriage.  At least that way if you pull away, he'll know why and maybe he could start contemplating if possibly it might be worth quitting someday.  I wouldn't get your hopes up right now though.  I would start looking for a support group in whatever capacity to help you through the tough times.  By support group I really just mean a group of people you meet every week on a consistent basis that can open up to and feel emotionally supported.

 

Please keep us posted and best wishes.

[dadof3finallyfree]

My ex wife was similar in alot of ways.  Not sure how much you know about adderall or how long this has been going on but I wouldn't try too much until you read up on it.  Saturate yourself with knowledge before confronting him or trying to communicate to much or it can back fire in the worst ways. Wish I had done my homework before I did with my ex.  This site is awesome for it and the best place I have been on and I have read thousands of articles and blogs. Think I have read every post on this site over the last year.  It can be sad but comforting at the same time.  You will find what you need on here and its all honesty. Two years ago I had never really even heard of adderall very much but thanks to this site I feel like I do now.  Communication breakdown between family and especially spouses is all to common.  All I can really say is you are in the right spot to reach out for support.  Hoping the best for you!

[Frank B]

 I think you're doing the correct thing he is doing 100 different things at once in his mind relaxing enjoying life will not be one of them. He knows deep down their is a issue but right now he may not care to deal with it. It might be best to sum up your feelings in a hand written letter point out all the signs you can find that suggest the medication is doing more harm then good. Avoiding the head on argument is key why I suggest a letter. If he does not respond and blows it off maybe then its time to show your serious. No one deserves to be in a relationship with someone who has lost their soul and that is what this drug does. It wont get any better until he stops even then it wont be pretty for months after (going through that hell now myself)  he decides to quit but really no option to save him from himself.