Terrified. Who even am I without adderall?

[heylittlealice]

I'm 28 years old and I have been taking some form of amphetamines since I was 19. From 19-21 I took 25 mg adderall xr. I felt like I was becoming too dependent on it since I would take it daily. I had my doctor lower my dosage to 10 mg IR to take as needed. From 21-25 I would binge take the drug, not taking it at all through the week but taking up to 50 mg on weekends to finish school projects. When I began teaching at a high school, I made the swap (my pharmacist best friend suggested) to vyvanse. I would take 50 mg almost daily. For the past two years, I've been taking 60MG vyvanse with 20-25 mg adderall xr 4-5 days a week.

 

I don't even know who I am without this drug.

I am terrified that I won't be able to work out, read, write, think, socialize without it. My entire 20's were fueled by amphetamines. 

 

I am terrified that my brain is permanently messed up and that I won't be able to find happiness. I know I need to do this. But the first step is frightening me. 

 

Any advice/encouragement would be helpful. I'm not even sure where to start. 

[LILTEX41]

Hey little Alice,

 

Welcome to the site! Glad you're here!

 

So the first thought that comes to my mind after reading your post is the lies you have been fed about this drug.  We all have.  We are sold on this illogical idea that we are not capable or we are somehow handicapped in a way that we need speed in order to succeed in life.  I swear on my life this is the biggest hoax of crap big business (pill manufacturer's) aim to get us hooked.  The truth is we are born with a beautiful body, mind, and soul that does NOT need drugs to function.  We are capable of so many things in this life and it is only when we get hooked on these chemicals that all our dreams go up in smoke.  We lose the natural born capacity we have and begin to believe we are not functional without this drug (SPEED).  

 

YES, at first it SUCKS getting clean from adderall.  It's a real bitch.  Your brain craves it so bad and you feel exactly like you stated above.  How the hell will I ever do anything without it???   But I PROMISE you, you can and will.  I think the first place to begin is to start seeing this drug for what it is - an addictive TOXIC POISON.  Once you can stop believing that it is helping you and start seeing it as something that has stunted you and prevented you from being your most authentic self, you will begin to desire to change.  It sounds like you are getting closer to that and that's good!!   Yes, it is scary to imagine your life without it, but think of it as the most beautiful and rewarding experience of your life ahead.  Much like a caterpillar going through metamorphosis into a butterfly.  That is what you will get back to going through this process and it is worth it!!  

 

The next thing I'd do is to draw up a quit plan.  Make a strategy, call the doctor, and tell everyone you can you're quitting and ask for support.   Figure out if you want to taper or go cold turkey.  Come to this site and share your experience.  There is a lot of hope here.  

 

I wish you the best and just know you can do this!!

[EstherEmily]

Well said LilTex!

It's scary quitting, Little Alice, especially in the beginning. But every single day things get better, even when you can't notice it.

You can do this!

[Frank B]

If you get a summer break from teaching this would be the ideal time to stop. It's all about grinding through the day and forgetting what it was like on it. This takes time but you owe it to yourself and students. You really can't criticize a student for not giving it his all if you use a crutch yourself to do everything at a higher level.