Popular Post Renascido Posted May 30, 2016 Popular Post Report Share Posted May 30, 2016 So in just about 3 days, I'll be 9 months clean off of adderall. Boy, this has been probably--scratch that--without a doubt, the toughest 9 months of my life. This is coming from someone who battled cancer for three years when he was only 16 years old. I only mention this detail to ensure others that what we are going through is tough. You shouldn't downplay or feel ashamed of how terrible this struggle has been. Here's the thing thing I'd like to share: lately, I feel great. For the past 9 months or so, I haven't noticed too much of anything. Aside from the usual lazy, unmotivated, and anhedonic days, things have rarely been noteworthy. I have had the worst anxiety of my life, to the point where I cannot even meet strangers or go to the groceries store without feeling this overwhelming sense of impending doom and fear. The anxiety has been crippling to say the least, and it has honestly rarely been absent over the course of my recovery. The last week or so though, I have seriously noticed my anxiety levels go from 100% to just about 20%; I can feel sparks of life again; I can laugh again; I can talk to my family and friends without second guessing my every word; I can live again. I was honestly beginning to lose hope that I would ever begin to turn the corner, but this past week has definitely been a significant improvement for me. For the others out there that are around my quit timeline (frank, bluemoon, duffman), keep on pushing through. We're in this together. I can't tell you when you'll begin to see improvements... That depends on so many different factors, but I can tell you that if you stay the course and remain positive that things will begin to improve. Good luck and much love to everyone out there 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clinx Posted May 31, 2016 Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 Congrats! It's so inspiring to hear your story and progress. I have crippling anxiety, too. You are not alone! I personally think my greatest motivation is not having to defend on a stupid bottle of pills to wake up every day. I can do it all on my own! What is your greatest motivation? Keep up the positivity! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LILTEX41 Posted May 31, 2016 Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 Love this!!! You just made me so big. I am so happy for you!! Congrats!!! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post quit-once Posted May 31, 2016 Popular Post Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 The nine month bump! I will never forget how relieved I felt when I started feeling the natural energy and emotions returning again around nine months after quitting. It just keeps getting better. Thanks for sticking with us, Reniscido. You will have a fantastic summer! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zerokewl Posted May 31, 2016 Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 Congrats! Life will be getting back to normal (whatever that means now. Enjoy your day and take some time for yourself. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FinallyQuitting Posted May 31, 2016 Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 Very inspiring, great post! I hope to get there soon too. Thank you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemoon Posted May 31, 2016 Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 Happy for you! It's nice to hear you're noticing significant improvement finally I'm still in the stage where I feel like that will never happen for me. I will say that my days are not as agonizing as they were, but I still am feeling a whole lot of "nothing". Absolutely nothing at all... In the early days of my recovery, people said the first month is the hardest. Then after that, they said the first three months are the hardest. I pushed through those months in so much pain. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I made it through. I still felt little to no improvement for a few months after that, and everyone kept saying it gets easier after six months. I will admit it is a little bit easier now than it had been in previous months, and I've even made it back to the gym this month finally... but I am dying to just feel SOMETHING!! I want to really live again, and not just "exist". So now I eagerly wait for that 9 month (hopefully) milestone... haha I really am happy for you though. Thanks for giving me a small glimmer of hope that I can actually start "living" at some point in the near future. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted June 1, 2016 Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 Glad to hear that the anxiety thing hit me hard last couple weeks. Got on a medication then it amplified that by 100. Now off it feeling better. What I've learned lately is sort of how I was on adderal. Sort of be cocky have the "I'm better than you " attitude. Not to the point where I'm being a dick but getting confidence I can make money and can do it fast I'm really good at my job. If you know you can have successes you will. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted June 1, 2016 Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 Just as a side note people might wonder how off adderal can I still do what I did. The answer to that is simple. During my adderal days I pushed off work that made good money that I found non challenging. I focused on restoring complex machines that made me literally no money. Now I'm back to doing what I did before but not for a challenge but for money and it's pretty damn easy vs the crap I got into on adderal for a challenge. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted June 1, 2016 Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 Just as a side note people might wonder how off adderal can I still do what I did. The answer to that is simple. During my adderal days I pushed off work that made good money that I found non challenging. I focused on restoring complex machines that made me literally no money. Now I'm back to doing what I did before but not for a challenge but for money and it's pretty damn easy vs the crap I got into on adderal for a challenge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted June 1, 2016 Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 Just as a side note people might wonder how off adderal can I still do what I did. The answer to that is simple. During my adderal days I pushed off work that made good money that I found non challenging. I focused on restoring complex machines that made me literally no money. Now I'm back to doing what I did before but not for a challenge but for money and it's pretty damn easy vs the crap I got into on adderal for a challenge. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renascido Posted June 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 I'm overwhelmed by the amount of support this forum provides. Thank you to everyone! It's comforting, but also painful to hear that so many of you also experience crippling anxiety. To Clinx: I'd say my motivation is something similar to your motivation. Knowing that what I am accomplishing on a daily basis - however small - was done completely without the aid of some artificial stimulant is just deeply satisfying. I recently graduated; over the course of my time at Uni, I was constantly battling the feelings of inferiority. The feeling that everything that I was accomplishing was just not genuine, and that I was just incapable of attaining the grades that I was getting without a crutch. Well, my final quarter at my university was completed this past Fall. During this time, I had been quit for just about one month, and I was taking the most classes that I ever had taken before. I was almost certain that I would fail, but to my pleasant surprise I was able to maintain an even higher GPA than before. This was beyond encouraging for me. Just knowing that I am more than capable of accomplishing tasks naturally. The truth is we all are. Each and every of one of us can accomplish great things we didn't know possible without the aid of that little orange pill. It'll just take us time and practice. Bluemoon: I know that hearing "the first month is the most difficult," then hearing "the third and fourth months were the most difficult" makes you almost believe that perhaps those months will be the worst for you. Or even hearing "at six months things begin to improve" leads you to believe that it will get better then. I know I set unrealistic expectations of when I'd start feeling better that only got me into more trouble. I remember thinking "oh so and so said they felt 70% recovered by this month, so maybe I should start feeling better then too." In short, I started counting my chickens before the eggs had hatched. I think it's important that we narrate our own story in recovery. We're all unique in our own ways, so it's safe to assume that our recovery paths will be unique in their own ways as well. I know you will get better, and I can only hope you will begin to feel better when I did, if not sooner. Just be patient. I recommend starting a daily journal of your accomplishments. It doesn't matter how little some accomplishments might be for a certain day; it just helps reinforce the fact that you are capable, and that you are progressing with each month. Frank: I think that is actually a very important lesson you have demonstrated. I have suffered a catastrophic loss of confidence. But as the saying goes "fake it until you make it." Maybe I should start pretending to have that confidence I once had on adderall to help me begin to rebuild my confidence levels. It's also good that you are keeping your confidence in check. All too often I let my confidence fly through the roof while on adderall, just as I'm sure many of us did. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffman Posted June 2, 2016 Report Share Posted June 2, 2016 Renascido, you might've saved me from a relapse.. It's not all that hard being off Adderall when things are going smoothly.. when I'm not expected to perform.. when life's challenges are routine and predictable. But of course, life isn't always predictable, smooth or routine. There are times when we're expected to push our boundaries and perform in situations where our reputations are put on the line. Well, that happened to me this week, and I came EXTREMELY close (as in had the bottle of Adderall in my hand with my other hand pushing down on the lid to open it) to taking one to just get me through this excruciatingly stressful experience. For one of my grad school courses, we were having debates over various controversial topics related to health and wellness. Well, apparently I have a reputation for being a quick-witted and ferocious debater, and people kept coming up to me saying something along the lines of "Oh man, I cannot WAIT to see your debate, you're gonna KILL IT!!". While I do consider myself a natural skeptic and play devil's advocate quite often, I did NOT think I could do this without the aide of our good friend Adderall. On Adderall, I felt compelled and in the undeniable right to debate everything and everyone, disregarding everyone's political and social sensibilities in the process. I would forcible assert my position to whoever listened and defend it to the bitter end (which of course made me obnoxious to be around, but that's another story). So great.. here I had this situation where the 80+ people watching the debate have this expectation that I would be this ferocious, larger than life debater who would put on an awe-inspiring show. The problem was, I did not FEEL like the same person they remember me by. I'm battling the anxiety to just exist being in the same room with 80+ people at a time. Now I'm going to have to perform in front of all of them?!? I wanted to drop out of the debate and see if I could get an alternate assignment, but then people would think I chickened out. WTF DO I DO? Kill me now.. or maybe I can take Adderall "just to get me through this one time". That phrase "just to get me through this one time" reverberated throughout my head.. because in future instances, anytime anything out of the ordinary would come up, there would be this never-ending cycle of me taking Adderall "just to get me through this one time". I quit Adderall because I wanted to break away from this dependence.. this crutch that Adderall provided for me. I want to be ME.. just me. I want people to know who the hell I am, not who I am under the influence of legal crank. So I logged onto these forums and saw your post and it reminded me that I'm in this quitting thing for good. All it takes is one time for that addiction to rear it's ugly, disgusting head again. For the record, I took time to plan ahead for the debate. I rehearsed what I would say over and over again. When I stood in front of everyone, my palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's vomit on his sweaty already, mom's spaghetti.. okay not really about the vomit part.. but I started to perform and people ended up loving it (I won too). Preparation, something my past Adderall-self would probably argue to be unnecessary, was my saving grace. All in all, I did it. Still going strong at almost 4 months. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted June 3, 2016 Report Share Posted June 3, 2016 Duffman congrats that's a big achievement! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffman Posted June 5, 2016 Report Share Posted June 5, 2016 Thanks Frank. Also, I wanted to thank you for being so transparent, honest, and insightful with your posts. I read all of em and can easily relate to what you're going through. Helps me keep on trucking knowing I'm not alone in this endeavor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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