An ivy league girl's breakup with Adderall

[NeuroticNancy]

Hi everyone,

 

First time on this site, and it's a miracle I found it tonight. I'm a 20 year old girl at an ivy league school and I've abused Adderall everyday for the past 8 months. My tolerance is so high now, I'm taking somewhere around 60-80 mg a day and have topped probably around 120 mg in one day when studying for finals (no ADHD, but have prescription). I have made so many excuses to continue using: Oh, i'll stop after THIS exam... or ill stop after I lose five pounds... or i'll stop after I get a job ... My mind and body are sick of this. 

 

To give a little background, I'm the epitome of a type A individual. Not only do I feel I need to achieve super high grades, I need to be at the top of my social circle, get a great job, and in generally appear like I'm absolutely crushing it in life. But am I? Does sneaking around and stealing Adderall from your best friends sound impressive? How about not sleeping til 6 AM and having giant black bags under your eyes for days? Or the eye-lid twitches, thinning hair, compulsive eating late at night, and restless leg syndrome that frequently visits me?

 

I'm sick of the lying, hiding, and stealing, sick of the constant shame, sick of the headaches and body aches, sick of the insomnia, sick of NEVER wanting to do fun things with my friends/family. I'm sick of cleaning my room, car, or closet for hours. I'm sick of spending days on end in the library, sick of being consumed by meaningless tasks. I'm sick of Adderall. I yearn for the girl I used to be. On one hand, I obsessively ruminate and find research on potential long term damage I may be doing to my body, but on the other hand, I crave the crazy drive Adderall gives me, and almost automatically reach for another pill. Sometimes right after I put it in my mouth, my brain catches up and thinks -"WHY did you do that!" Then I'm feeling guilty, and self pity, and I'll eventually reach for another. It's almost comical what completely stupid tasks I've done tweaked out, and how much I LOVED it. This is why reading posts like this from other people is so comforting (maybe this is human nature's innate selfishness- how it's reassuring when others are suffering with you)

 

The other thing? I've actually GAINED weight because I've lost my old healthy eating habits (now I don't eat for a while, then eat half the fridge much later). It's like that part of me that had willpower has been atrophied. 

 

I can rant about its evils, but there is no denying the impacts of Adderall from its mental manipulation. I'm starting a new very competitive job in 1 week exactly that I need to be on top of my game for. And I've lead myself to believe in the last 8 months that my performance is entirely reliant on Adderall. For example, I'll take a pill- then sit there for 10 minutes- wonder why am I not in my groove yet- and pop another... then feel such self-pity/guilt (WHO am I? How are all these people studying and doing well NOT on 100 mg of adderall?!?) I actually achieved the same high GPA way before Adderall ever came into my life, but instead of motivate me, that fact just makes me sad. School is currently out, but 'm terrified of walking into work extremely lethargic and un talkative next week. This is what's keeping me from flushing my pills down the toilet. 

 

So my plan in the next upcoming week is one of COMPLETE abstinence on days I don't need (every day up until my first day of work) and reducing to 20 mg on days that I do "need" until those days don't exist. I've lost so much confidence in myself and my abilities, that it's time for me to take back control of my life, or choose to continue this downward spiral. Reading posts about women with newborn babies taking pills just to play with their kids make me sick; not because of what they do, but because if I don't stop now, I can see myself doing that exact thing in 8-9 years.  I'm trying to remind myself that the only true moment we have is the present... the past is the past; it does me no good to sit here and dwell on what "could have" or "should have" been in a life sans Adderall. Simply stated, it is what it is. Life rarely goes as planned, and this is where I am at now. I will be a stronger, happier, healthier person when my body and mind heal. Breaking up with Adderall, the absolute favorite vice of any type A overachieving narcissist, is the best possible thing for me. I feel in my soul this is not how I am supposed to live my life. 

 

If you're interested in joining me, I'm going to post daily updates to hold myself accountable. This is not going to be easy. I'm rewiring old habits that are so engrained in my behaviors- for example: Mom asks me to do laundry? Adderall. Feeling kinda sleepy or hungover? Adderall. Going out with friends? Adderall. Think I'll eat too much at dinner? Adderall. Even tonight as I've been writing this I still have addy in my system...probably why this is like, almost a novel. Sorry if you're bored. 

 

Once and for all, my dear fellow Adderall worshippers, now is the time to end this toxic relationship. We can do this together!!!!! Lets break up with this little pill that has become mentally/physically abusive to us. Saying goodbye to Adderall is saying hello to life... which sounds pretty damn good to me. I'm ready to put down the vacuum, (or pencil, textbook, iron) and become a PERSON, who actually likes fun things and laughs a lot and doesn't talk a mile a minute and freak everyone out. I realize tomorrow, when i'm struggling to stay awake throughout the day, this optimistic pledge won't seem as cheery and ambitious. I'm sure I'll be feeling like a fat lazy slug... but hey this is a necessary phase.   

 

xoxo,

nance 

[BeHereNow]

Hey Nancy,

 

Welcome to the site.  I'm glad you're here.   It sounds like you're starting to see the negative effects of adderall.  They tend to start outweighing the good that you found in the beginning, and the bad gets stronger as you see fewer and fewer positive effects from taking it.  Things that it used to help with (like losing weight) are exactly the things that it starts to take away (now you're seeing that you're gaining weight and caught in an unhealthy binge/fast pasttern.)   After awhile, it starts to take away your focus and drive too.

 

A lot of adderallics are "type A" personalities, perfectionists, overachievers.  Quitting means we have to face the aspects of ourselves that we fear the most: the part of us that wants to sleep and eat and conserve energy for meaningful projects, not expend everything on useless tasks.  These are just components of being a living mammal in this world.  Adderall throws us out of balance, and it's unsustainable.  So when you quit, you can expect your body to need some time to catch up.  You're going to be unmotivated, lazy, etc. as you've seen.  But none of these extremes are the real you.

 

This is a long winded way of saying that the journey of quitting adderall isn't just about removing the substance.  It's about changing our whole approach to life.  You're going to need to let go of some of your "type A" tendencies go if you're going to be successful.  You're going to need to start looking at yourself as more than just an "ivy league girl," as "crushing" life, as the leader of your social circle.  Quitting adderall in the long term means we have to let go of the self-image associated with it, and also the self-image that originally led us to take that horrible drug in the first place.  

 

Who else are you besides an "ivy league girl?"   You sound really interesting.  Let go of the perfect grades and the ivy league image: who are you apart from all this?  What about your health, the people in your life, your personality?  The things that really matter?  Are you happy with that person?  Or are there parts of you that you've been neglecting in your search for perfection?   Quitting is going to mean letting those parts of you grow.  It's a painful journey but it's so worth it. 

[NeuroticNancy]

BeHerenow,

 

(disclaimer- sorry this is long post! I have found that writing my thoughts out has been very therapeutic)

 

Thanks for your response. I felt so alone before finding this site - I actually thought I was one of the only people with this kind of addiction. I'd think to myself, "Who in their right mind gets addicted to organizing their sock drawer?! haha.kiiidding. sorta.  But now I sense a community who knows exactly how I feel and wants to support me. Seeing your insightful response means a lot and really does hit home for me. My sister has said a similar thing to me before - "You need to identify with the girl inside - your identity is NOT your GPA, not your weight, not the number of friends you have, etc."  And it's true; but finding that girl and being 100% comfortable with just her alone and not anything else is going to take time.

 

So,I'm not going to lie because that defeats the purpose of this whole thing. I took a pill today. This kind of thing has happened before -- At night, after a bad day when I'm laying in bed at 2 AM wired, I'll think, "This is the worst thing in the world, I'm never going to do Adderall again, what the hell am I doing to myself". But then, after taking NyQuil and falling asleep for 7 hours, I get up and don't feel so bad anymore. And then I think about everything I have to do that day and end up taking that little pink pill. Honestly, I'm not ready to go cold turkey. I think that is setting myself up for failure, because I can't throw the bottle away with the looming prospect of my work. Since I can't do that, I think it may be pointless to say I'm going cold turkey. Today I was able to take my prescribed amount, which I haven't done in a while. I think weaning myself off (40 this week, 30 next week, 20 next etc...) is an approach that is more likely to yield success, and also won't make me feel like a failure. I hope this isn't the "easy way out" and by not flushing my pills I'm still locking myself in denial. But I don't think I am-  because for the first time I've admitted to myself, this IS a problem and long term I do not want this. 

 

Anyways, sorry that this has become the epilogue to my novel, but thanks again and best of luck to everyone.

[hyper_critical]

Believe it or not, you're actually pretty typical of someone who gets addicted to Adderall.

 

I would spend some time reading the articles on this site and harnessing the wisdom of people in these forums who have done something you thusfar have been unable to do: quit and stay quit.

 

Best of luck on your journey. There is so much more to life. 

[Frank B]

Its sad to hear so many friends are on it also . If parents knew the hell of stopping this medication I wonder if they would still give into a doctors recommendation to begin with. Your defiantly ready to quit the drug is no longer a learning aid but a full blown addiction instead. Good luck visit this site often.

[BeHereNow]

"Honestly, I'm not ready to go cold turkey. I think that is setting myself up for failure, because I can't throw the bottle away with the looming prospect of my work. Since I can't do that, I think it may be pointless to say I'm going cold turkey. Today I was able to take my prescribed amount, which I haven't done in a while. I think weaning myself off (40 this week, 30 next week, 20 next etc...) is an approach that is more likely to yield success, and also won't make me feel like a failure. I hope this isn't the "easy way out" and by not flushing my pills I'm still locking myself in denial. But I don't think I am-  because for the first time I've admitted to myself, this IS a problem and long term I do not want this. 

 

Anyways, sorry that this has become the epilogue to my novel, but thanks again and best of luck to everyone. :)"

 

 

I think it's great that you're being honest with yourself about this Nancy!  It will help you be a lot more successful in the long run.  I'm so glad your sister is there to help support you.

 

Don't worry about writing too much.  Visit often and post away!  If you read through the "tell your story section" (which I definitely recommend!), you'll see that writing novels on this forum is not all that uncommon

 

Your plan to go back to your prescribed dose might or might not help you.  I don't think it's the cowardly way out as you suggested; I think it's actually a harder way.  And it doesn't work for everyone.  I tried that route many times but couldn't do it.  The stress of always trying to keep it under control eventually outweighed the stress of going cold-turkey.  It kept me locked into the addiction longer. A lot of doctors think it's better to taper, but once you've crossed into addiction territory it's a different story.  Let us know how it goes.

[Frank B]

"So my plan in the next upcoming week is one of COMPLETE abstinence on days I don't need (every day up until my first day of work) and reducing to 20 mg on days that I do "need" until those days don't exist"

 

Everyday you don't use adderall will be a day you will think you'll need adderall. I think the step down approach is the way to go personally but you need to do it planned out taking the same amount for a couple weeks. Your cravings will not change if you go a day or two with none then hit up one day with 20 or 60 it will be harder then going cold turkey that route. I was a full blown addict but a taper timeline with set goals worked for me. Just fyi you dont really have days you need adderall that's only the addict in you talking. It takes along time of being off the stuff to start and grasp that concept.

[Zerokewl]

Welcome to the forum. Keep posting and keep coming back, progress not perfection.