Frank B Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 The further I get into recovery the more postive I try to stay on here. I know how crippling it was for me to see people months ahead of me still struggle severely. Lately I've been very disappointed in myself mostly on my time away from work. I've spent past several weekends sleeping in until 10-11am not doing much at all after up finally get up. I think of all the things I would be doing when I was adderal and it was working good for me. I realize that it did fail to work pretty much the last couple months before I stopped and know if I ever gave in that the golden years I had on this drug will never happen again if it did would be very short lived. I know getting angry with myself over lack of motivation is pointless so instead trying to tell myself this will pass and all these extra hours of rest is my body recouping from the years of bad diets and lack of good rest. Hope I'm right because yes I can get by how I'am now but this is not who I care to be in the long run I want to take care of things I own carry out promises to my kids to build a playground want to be active with them on the weekend not a fucking couch potato! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 Sounds like that evil little voice is making a run at you Frank... Don't be deceived! It's so tempting to want to entertain ideas of all the things you might be doing if you had more energy. But Adderall damn sure wouldn't have that for you at this point. I know you're not ever going to use it again, but I think it can be counter productive or out right dangerous to even get into the mental dialog. Bottom line is you are kicking ass. You got me and countless others looking to you for strength. Because you are demonstrating what winning over this God forsaken drug looks like. Sleeping late is what weekends are for! We X-addy addicts need constant reminding that we are simple mortals, not F'ing machines. It's all that you are as a drug free Dad that makes you a superhero to your children. Please never lose sight of this truth. God bless 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
survived Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 All of this is definitely temporary. Reading your post is taking me back to how I also felt the first year off. I think we even start to glamorize Adderall because we think we were more productive then when its not really the case. You have 8mths down which is pretty great, once the next few months start speeding by you'll begin to feel some relief. I say after the first 12mths. (Although everyone is different, I feel very passionate about that 1yr mark) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopper15 Posted July 24, 2016 Report Share Posted July 24, 2016 Your brain (and body) need sleep time to recover/repair. If you were getting less sleep on adderall, chances are you weren't really at your best anyway. Could there be another reason that you are slow to wake up? What is the quality of your sleep generally like? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted July 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 Thanks for all the encouragement. Hopper15 the things I could do with virtually no sleep on heavy doses of addy still amaze the hell out of me that's why it's frustrating I can't get myself to complete or "start" simple tasks at home off addy with plenty of sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 It's all that you are as a drug free Dad that makes you a superhero to your children. TRUTH! I know what you mean Frank, those thoughts creep in after awhile. When the bad memories have faded, it's easier to romanticize the drug. The addict voice has an easier time messing with us when that happens. This happens to me with other substances too, like alcohol. I mean I'm not gonna lie, those thoughts still go through my head occasionally, even 3.5 years clean. I have to manage for them. Because the truth is that I literally can't be that person again. It's not a possibility. Not with any drug, not even if I wanted it to. You know this too, you said it yourself. I can sometimes force myself to crank out massive amounts of work in short periods of time, and I need to learn to do that more often. But I'll never be as productive as I was during that romance phase of adderall again. In the end, adderall took that away forever and I have to be okay with that. Thankfully I don't want to live that life again. I only want the 'good' parts of it, but those parts can't be sifted out. Thank you for sharing this Frank. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duffman Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 So there's good and bad news with what you're experiencing, Frank. The good news is what you're experiencing is indicative of healing of your brain's natural, endogenous (your brain's naturally created) systems related to feeling motivated again. I was reading a book recently that was talking about patients who had a stroke which destroyed the part of their brains that acted as a relay station involved with the motivation -> action -> reward loop. In other words, it irreversibly damaged the part of the brain involved with making want to do something, then doing it. These patients never again felt the impulse to do ANYTHING anymore. They were content (if you want to even call it that) with waking up, maybe sitting in a chair, and staring off into the distance till it was time for bed. They hadn't lost their intelligence either. Just their will do get anything done. Notice how similar this sounds to the early stages of Adderall recovery. This is because Adderall directly impacts that motivation -> action -> reward feedback loop. The reason why I say this is because if your brain was permanently damaged from Adderall, you wouldn't even entertain the idea of wanting to be productive throughout the day. The fact that you desire to get up and be productive on a day off from work is encouraging and shows you're on the right path to feeling motivated again. The early stages of Adderall recovery involves not even wanting to be productive throughout the day. So there is progress made in your recovery. The bad news is rather obvious: you aren't fully recovered yet and it will take more time. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to establish healthy habits that will aid in rebooting that motivation feedback loop again. My personal favorite is establishing a new workout routine. Doesn't matter what kind of workout you do, but be sure to stick to it, no matter what, for the first few months. This will retrain your brain that your actions matter. The phrase "motivation follows action" sums it up pretty well. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 Well said duffman. One of the very few things I'm able to look forward to is my exercise routine. It is very LOW impact; walking on a treadmill at a local church's fitness center. I do this most every evening with my wife. It does several things. Gets me the hell out of the house, exposes me to other people, and reminds me I'm capable of sticking with something without some damn pill pushing me... With respect to starting and completing small tasks around the house. On addy I was a one man cleaning/fixing machine. I jumped into most all chores without a thought. Which left my children all smiles of course; dad was doing their chores... Part of what has helped me slowly get back to doing things around the house is creating a list of who does what! I know this sounds oversimplified, but it's amazing how much it helps to "spell out" what's your responsibility, and that of others in the house. God bless 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted July 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 TRUTH! I know what you mean Frank, those thoughts creep in after awhile. When the bad memories have faded, it's easier to romanticize the drug. The addict voice has an easier time messing with us when that happens. This happens to me with other substances too, like alcohol. I mean I'm not gonna lie, those thoughts still go through my head occasionally, even 3.5 years clean. I have to manage for them. Because the truth is that I literally can't be that person again. It's not a possibility. Not with any drug, not even if I wanted it to. You know this too, you said it yourself. I can sometimes force myself to crank out massive amounts of work in short periods of time, and I need to learn to do that more often. But I'll never be as productive as I was during that romance phase of adderall again. In the end, adderall took that away forever and I have to be okay with that. Thankfully I don't want to live that life again. I only want the 'good' parts of it, but those parts can't be sifted out. Thank you for sharing this Frank. This makes sense when I first started I had no crave to do anything around the house or at my job. Now working I do fine a payment awaits me after the work is completed plus satisfaction of helping someone out. Just lacking the drive to tackle chores at home that give some reward but not anything to pay the bills. Guess I'm trying to jump ahead of recovery know its still a work in progress I know the tedious task I tackled for endless hours are in the past Im fine with that but get mad for seeing clutter lying around small projects put on hold they will come with time I'm sure. Thanks 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank B Posted July 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 Noticed more people chiming in lately glad more people are getting involved on here this helps us all! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeHereNow Posted July 25, 2016 Report Share Posted July 25, 2016 I think routine is key. I have to learn it, but it's going to help a lot. Routine is my new goal. I've never been into it, but I'm realizing I have to be. Not just for productivity's sake, but also for sleep, health, and general well-being On top of work: Just 20 minutes a day of cleaning works wonders! The improvement to your life quality is worth money, but you're paying yourself! Also, I like to go walking too, when I have no motivation to do any other physical activity at least it's easy to go for a hike or short walk!! Anything that involves moving your body. "Not zero" is the key. Once I get moving it keeps going. Once I get going I get into whatever I'm doing and exceed my goals, but I need to trick myself into getting moving. Because like you (and others) have said: motivation follows action!!! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopper15 Posted July 26, 2016 Report Share Posted July 26, 2016 Thanks for all the encouragement. Hopper15 the things I could do with virtually no sleep on heavy doses of addy still amaze the hell out of me that's why it's frustrating I can't get myself to complete or "start" simple tasks at home off addy with plenty of sleep. If that's true, you had better results with the drug than I did. I feel like adderall helped me keep the house cleaner/more organized, but didn't really help me accomplish so much more that I couldn't without it. Also, the personality changes and paranoia that came with the drug were absolutely horrible! Count yourself lucky if you didn't experience those! "Better than Before" by Gretchen Rubin is great book that may give you insight into why you have the habits (which are also in a sense, routines) you have and how to trick yourself into changing them. Also Charles Duhigg's book, "The Power of Habit" is helpful as well. Good luck! :-) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 I use my phone for this forum because my lap top is a POS and won't stay online. So I can't figure out how to "like" what someone posts using my phone😖 For the record I check this site obsessively and LIKE every post on here. It's probably keeping me alive. Thanks to everyone who is apart of this lifeline. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.