5.5 Month Update with my Recovery

[duffman]

I hit 5.5 months today in my recovery from Adderall. My experience will probably differ to some degree from everyone else's experience in recovery, but I wanted to share what has gotten better, gotten worse, or remains unchanged from my own journey. I meant to save this for my 6 month recovery date, but I will be in the midst of my clinical rotation at that time and will probably not be able to post anything. 

 

What has gotten better: 

 

-I'm able to put on muscle again! While on Adderall, I was not able to put on any mass, whether it be fat or muscle mass. I've logged my workout routines for the past year and I can definitely say there is an upward trend in my strength since the time I quit using Adderall. 

 

-I'm regaining my sense of humor. People close to me have noticed that I'm less serious and more enjoyable to be around since I've quit taking Adderall. 

 

-I'm becoming more empathetic and better able to relate to people. Sure I'm not quite as talkative as I was when my Adderall dose was peaking, but people seem to actually appreciate that. I'm no longer talking at someone, but now talking with someone. 

 

-I'm FAR less prone to rage attacks. While on Adderall (especially during that end-of-the-day crash), I would often lash out at whoever was around me. This was often my girlfriend because I would see her at the end of the day when my dose was wearing off. This put an enormous strain on our relationship. She admitted to me earlier this month that she was planning on leaving me if I continued down the path I was on when I was taking Adderall. She said she could feel this dark, negative energy from me whenever it was later in the day (sometimes the entire day), and was afraid to approach me at times. 

 

-My libido. I'm finally starting to experience desire for the opposite sex again. (Potential TMI warning) For a while, I was having issues with sexual dysfunction and had absolutely no desire to engage in any intimacy. While it is not even close to ideal yet, but I'm beginning to show signs of improvement. 

 

-My energy levels. I was hesitant to put this one in this category (as opposed to the "remains unchanged" category), but I believe my energy levels are beginning to show signs of improvement. Now obviously I'm not feeling as much energy as when I took 140mg of vyvanse or 60mg of Adderall, but I am feeling more energy from when I first quit taking stimulant medications. There are times throughout the day when my energy level plummets, primarily at around 4pm. However, I recognize 4pm is a time when most everyone's energy level sinks down. This is natural variation in energy levels for which Adderall provided an override. I hope to continue to see improvements in this category because my work days will be from 8am-6pm and I can't let my performance drop too much to where I could make a big mistake with one of my patients later in the day. 

 

What has gotten worse:

 

-Anxiety. Now, let me say this has gotten better since the acute stages of recovery (first month or so), but I've noticed a slight increase in my anxiety levels lately. From what I've read from other people's post from around this recovery timeframe, this seems to be quite typical. I just consider this a stepping stone in my hero's journey to recovery. 

 

-My weight. I believe Adderall has wreaked havoc on my metabolism and has affected my ability to lose body fat. As I stated above, I put on muscle more easily, but I also put on fat more easily. I'm the heaviest I've been in a long while, which scares me because I've lost 120 pounds in the past and I'm afraid I'm heading in that direction again. 

 

What has remained unchanged:

 

-Sleep. My sleeping pattern has not stabilized since quitting Adderall. This is in large part due to me not taking sleep medications anymore. When I was taking Adderall, I had to take multiple sleep meds to be able to wind down enough to MAYBE get some fractured sleep. So in a way, there is perhaps SOME improvement, but ultimately this remains a large problem. 

 

-My ability to engage in small talk. This has a lot to do with my increased anxiety levels I suspect. I feel a lot more self-aware while talking to someone I don't really know. I have the feeling this will improve with time as I continue to source my own self-confidence rather than relying on the maniacal burst of confidence that Adderall provided. 

 

 

 

I won't lie, I'm extremely nervous about starting my clinical rotation next week. I was hoping I would be healed enough by now to feel comfortable and confident about this upcoming rotation. This has not come to pass, though admittedly it was a bit naive of me to believe I would be near 100% recovery in 5.5 months after taking this drug in large dosages for over 5 years. My latest relapse occurred in the middle of my last clinical rotation, so I'm obviously nervous this will happen again. However, last time I was ill-prepared and was not equipped with the information and support system I now have through this forum. By all means, feel free time chime in with your own experiences. I also wanted to thank everyone that posts on this site. I would have, without a doubt, relapsed by now if it wasn't for the support I gather from this forum. Your posts matter to me a great deal, even if I don't necessarily respond to them. 

[Frank B]

Duffman sounds very encouraging your doing great. Does clinical rotation involve 8-12hr shifts rotating days and night week to week? If so I'm sure that is intimidating but maybe that's wrong on that just assuming.

[BeHereNow]

Duffman, even before you posted this I was starting to notice a change in the way you write/articulate yourself.  You seem to be healing at an amazing pace.  Congrats!!!  5.5 months is a HUGE deal!   

 

The anxiety seems pretty normal.  I'd suggest working head-on for techniques on this... whenever you're ready.  David Carbonelle's Panic Attack workbook has done wonders for me. I've always had anxiety and panic, and those worsened by a lot with/after adderall.  But I'm working into acutal (non medication) strategies for long term success, and it's helping a LOT.

 

It sounds like the most important parts of you are returning.  That's what matters the most.  Keep it up my friend.  I can see even as an internet 'stranger' that you're doing really really well!!! 

 

Trust me... It keeps getting better!  

 

 

P.S. I am so happy for you that your girlfriend has stayed true to you and is willing to stick by you through your recovery.  That means the world and shows the strength of your relationship.  She's a keeper!!

[William]

Great stuff Duffman. I got to say, it's really a powerful encouragement to see you recover at a strong pace. It's a reminder to all of us to remember to take inventory of our actual changes and accomplishments as we heal, as apprised to JUST looking at a time line, which I tend to do...

I find making small talk produces far less anxiety when I remind myself that it's not supposed to be earth shattering or deep thinking... Damn adderall made everything an opportunity to show a deeper understanding, a higher awareness, etc. What a waste of energy! Turns out of course most people aren't looking to solve cold fusion at every opportunity... So I take the pressure off myself by NOT thinking about some witty or insightful response. Instead I now just let the other person "lead" the discussion. Offerring authentic, yet benign, comments every so often. Keep up the great work and good luck with clinical rotations!!

[duffman]

Frank- 

Pretty much. According to a few people who've done a clinical rotation at the hospital I'm going to, I should expect to be there anywhere from 10 to 12 hours, 5 days (sometimes 6) a week. It is what it is. It's a learning experience overall. If memory serves me right, I remember reading from a few of your past posts that you're self-employed in the HVAC business? That sounds intimidating considering you're having to self-motivate in order to keep your business afloat. How has your work performance been affected since quitting Adderall/pain killers? 

 

BeHereNow-

Thanks a ton! Yeah I'm getting to the point in my recovery where my thoughts have cleared up enough to be able to be expressed in complete and coherent sentences. I still have days where my thoughts seem muddled and my willingness to be social drastically reduced (today), but they're becoming less frequent with less severity as days and weeks pass. Thankfully, I've experienced only one panic attack in my lifetime, and that was when I was 210mg deep in Vyvanse about to give a speech on something I knew very little about. What I have discovered throughout this recovery process is I have (and probably always have had) a fair amount of social anxiety for which I attempted to cover-up by abusing stimulants and benzos. I've been practicing mindfulness meditation at least 15 minutes a day since my quit date in order to fully connect with my conscious experience, both good and bad. I'm trying to familiarize myself with my bodily sensations when I feel that anxiety begin to surface, so I can ultimately function and thrive in society even if that anxiety attempts to hijack my thought process. And yeah, she's a keeper

 

William-

I really appreciate your insight on small talk. You've hit the nail on the head with how I have a tendency to want to say something profound when engaging in small talk. It is exhausting, makes me want to avoid human interaction, and entirely misses the point of small talk. I'm going to adopt your mindset about not trying to think about a witty or insightful response all the time. Rather, I'm going to try to go with the flow of conversation and injected authentic comments every now and then. 

[bluemoon]

Are you in med school duffman?? Wishing you luck in your clinical rotation. It will be tough but I know you can do it!

 

Also, I agree with the others that it is encouraging to watch you recover at such a nice pace. I feel like I should try to focus more on the positive changes in my recovery more. It's so easy to take for granted all the small improvements along the way when we spend all our time focusing on the negative.

[Frank B]

"That sounds intimidating considering you're having to self-motivate in order to keep your business afloat. " It's been a challenge but I really enjoy the job itself. People call me to fix something they need to be comfortable it's a gradification. It's like helping people who are sick etc but a much easier task lol. The office work sucks off addy but loving what I do for a living has made it possible to continue off Adderal. The installs are the hard part physically and mentally and can be challenging. In the past was easy to take a pill to push me through the fatigue and a pill to take all the aches away. But I mostly do repairs which are not bad at all. I do installs a couple times a month but the money I make on them are pretty good motivation to take them on lol.