Monthly Check-in / one year update

[Renascido]

Hey everyone,

I think that we should have it become a routine where people drop in and comment on how their month has gone. It can be a way to vent; it can be a way to celebrate; it can be a way to relate. It really doesn't matter. I just think it's important to be proud of your progress, because we deal with enough hardships in our lives. You gotta take a step back once in awhile and just be appreciative for what you have overcome.

Here's my update: I'm less than a week away from my one year anniversary. In all honesty, I imagined I'd be all better by now during my early recovery, but the truth is that I still struggle greatly. I still have anxiety; I still worry that maybe I'll never fully recover. But none of that matters. What matter's is that I am getting better month by month. It's a slow and painstaking process, but it's a necessary one. Instead of hoping to be "completely healed" up by year two, I'll learn form my mistakes and accept any progress as just that - progress.

So let's hear it. How was everyone's August?

On a side note, this post didn't take me 5 hours to write, like it would have taken if I was still using adderall. I'm so glad to never go back to that hyper-critical state.

[AndyPandy]

I'm about 3 days away from 2 months. It's great to hear that you've nearly got your first year. Seems like such a difficult number to attain. But hey, great job! I'm sure you've been through a lot.

[Frank B]

August has been kinda crappy my buisness was slow but weather related mostly. I'm still debating if trying to keep my small buisness off adderal is the best thing. I sometimes wonder if a set schedule of work where I must be held accountable everyday would be for the better. Stopped using caffine thought that might help but so far besides my wallet I feel this may be a short lived caffeine free life. Yes I can make myself stop caffeine but if I show up to a job in the morning look dead tired maybe it's best to have some coffee. I really didn't think it did much until I went without just hope I can control my caffeine intake if I go back. Started to work out again which makes me feel better lifting weights running really helps my back from not hurting does it give me more energy? Not really ill work out hard for hour and half then still be sluggish all day. Just seems I'm doing everything to help this and nothhing works almost like I'll never recover because I forgot what it was not to be on adderal and have a productive day then again maybe I always lacked why I went to the drug in the first place.

[bluemoon]

August was ok. I'm at the 9 month mark. I also thought by now that I would be fully recovered, but that's not really the case. I have definitely come a long way and I have made some progress, but there is still a lot of room for improvement. I wish I had more energy, less anxiety, and I wish I felt happier. It will all come with time, I suppose!

 

Can't believe you are almost at a year, Renascido. Amazing.

[Renascido]

Hey my beloved friends.

 

Frank, I hear you man. Honestly, August was pretty shitty for me. I had tons of anxiety about the future, and wondering if I could accomplish any of my future aspirations in my current state of uselessness. Anyways, yeah, not the greatest. I had to make a change in career path recently, which really took a lot out of me, but hopefully it's for the better. What you said about perhaps needing a new outlet really does hold some merit. After being clean for this long, you sort of learn what works and what doesn't. Not saying to quit your business, but if you think a new job might be a better fit, by all means, make it happen. But also I have no idea how hard that might be on you and your family at home. In any case, I hope things get better for you too.

 

Moonster, isn't that always the case? :/ I almost always cancel out any good feelings I feel about progress because I remind myself that I thought I'd be doing much better in recovery by now. Ugghh, the struggle. In all honesty, the thing I miss most is being uninhibited. I'm almost always anxious, to the point where I just don't want to interact with anyone. Eghh, here's to hoping things keep improving.

 

Also, today marks my one year anniversary. WHAAAAAT'S GOOOOOOOOD! 

[bluemoon]

HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY RENASCIDO!!!  What an amazing accomplishment!! So happy for you and so proud of you. 

[duffman]

This, overall, has not been a stellar month for me. I was given a midterm performance review from my clinical instructor and the overall consensus is I'm performing slightly below expectations. This was a crushing blow to my ego and has cast a whole lot of doubt into the prospect of my recovery. In fact, I was on Adderall/Vyvanse/Dexedrine for so long (~6 years?) that I don't even remember what my normal was.. I mean, is this it? I was an underachiever prior to college and I feel like I'm morphing back into that unmotivated slug I used to be. I'll admit, I have 2 pill bottles full of dexedrine in the back of my cabinet, serving as a last resort if I'm about to be kicked out of my program due to the effects of withdrawal. It beckons to me.. to draw an analogy (for you Lord of the Rings fans out there), I feel like Gollum after he surrendered the ring to Frodo, happy at first that he was liberated from the ring, only to be drawn back to its power again once he realizes who he is without it. 

 

I feel like I'm losing my mind.. no not in the "going crazy" sense, but like my mind is closing off from the world again. When Renascido said he misses feeling uninhibited again, it absolutely resonated with me. I feel like Adderall/Vyvanse/Dexedrine served as a key to unlock my mind. Back when I first was taking these damned stimulant drugs, I would pop my pill, wait for it.. wait for it.. BAM! An explosion of energy would surge through my veins! I felt so alive! I wanted to take on anything and everything. Nothing was out of my grasp. No one was too intimidating. I was free! At last!!!

 

Notice how I highlighted the word 'first' in the above paragraph.. that is the operative word.. when I FIRST took the drugs, I felt all those wonderful sensations. However, and this is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't hopped back on the stimulant train, that feeling is gone.. forever. It's gone. Last time I relapsed (earlier this year), I wrote a note to myself that I've kept on my laptop for me to see when temptation would inevitably arise. It reads "That feeling? Yeah.. it's gone. There's nothing but sadness and isolation that comes from these pills. Do. Not. Take. These. Pills. Ever. Again."

 

So where does that leave me now? Well, I seem to fluctuate all the time, but primarily I'm anxious and unsure about most everything. I can't seem to make decisions which is a big problem for my work life. People rely on my expertise and I can't seem to deliver. I'm an actor now.. constantly having to act like all is well. Not a very good actor though, because I can just feel people detecting my insecurity if I hang around them long enough. The best I can seem to do is act aloof, which has its own problems that comes along with it. I feel like my comedic timing and quick wit has dulled drastically. Every time I try to say something clever or profound, I usually stumble over my words which results in me getting a courtesy laugh at best. I can't sleep. Two nights ago I took Ambien, something I thought I swore off along with stimulant medications, but I needed to sleep. Bad. My eyes had dark circles underneath them and both my eyes were bloodshot. 

 

This will seem silly, but I seem to have a mild superhero complex. I have big ideas I wanted to share with the world and big aspirations for myself in the future. On stimulants, all those ideas and aspirations seemed to be attainable. Now? I fear I will be resigned to normalcy for the rest of my life. I had this notion that if I quit the pills, then all would be good in my life. This was a ridiculous notion because, well, removing these pills doesn't address the underlying issues I have. 

 

As you can probably infer based on the tone of this post, I'm depressed today. If you're new to recovery, please don't take what I'm saying as a reason to hop back on the pills. I would've hopped back on the pills if I thought they were worth it. 

 

EDIT: Forgot to include what I meant to say from the beginning. Congrats on one year Renascido! Your will to avoid Adderall despite going through such drastic career changes demonstrates great fortitude. 

[quit-once]

.. when I FIRST took the drugs, I felt all those wonderful sensations. However, and this is one of the biggest reasons why I haven't hopped back on the stimulant train, that feeling is gone.. forever. It's gone. Last time I relapsed (earlier this year), I wrote a note to myself that I've kept on my laptop for me to see when temptation would inevitably arise. It reads "That feeling? Yeah.. it's gone. There's nothing but sadness and isolation that comes from these pills. Do. Not. Take. These. Pills. Ever. Again."

I think I have heard this same basic thought expressed by all of you who have posted on this thread.  It is one of those "ahaha moments"  (epiphanies?)  that we all need to have that help us to realize that pursuing the addiction is futile and unsustainable.  A friend of mine who is a heroin addict explained the "chasing the dragon" principle to me - how an addict will always seek that first euphoric rush they got when first using their drug of choice, but you never seem to be able to get that high, ever again, but for some reason you keep trying to achieve it. 

 

Not only did Adderall quit working for me but it really started working against me - like some kind of brain disease that diminished my functionality, my memory, my cognition, relationships, productivity and my overall health.  Realizing all of that made the decision to quit really easy.  I quit in my mind several months before I was able to stop taking the pills.  The recovery period for most diseases or injuries is usually months, not the *years* like I have experienced getting better from Adderall abuse.  The good news is that a full recovery is entirely possible if given enough time.

 

Duffman, I think your "superhero complex" is typical of being a young adult.  I have accepted  mediocrity as a way of life and found it to be a very stress free lifestyle.  I keep my expectations reasonable for myself and for the people and things around me.   I have changed or reduced many of my goals I had 20 or 30 years ago and I am content with that.

 

Reniscido, congratulations for your first full year of freedom.  May you have many more.

[Renascido]

Duffman,

 

Boy, can I relate to some of the problems you are facing. Back when I was using, the only real reason I kept on using it for 3-4 years was because of fear. I was fearful of being mediocre. I didn't think I was capable of doing anything without the pill. The thing is, I was completely set on going to medical school, which would mean that I intended on using adderall as a crutch for another 5-7 years. Then I thought to myself, if I didn't think I was capable of completing medical school without the crutch of adderall, was it really worth it? I mean even if I did graduate from medical school, would I truly ever finish taking it? It's not as if once you're done with the program life becomes easy. Doctors work long hours, so that would mean that if I wasn't confident in my natural abilities, I would be doomed to a life of adderall. 

 

That has led me to where I am now. After quitting, I realized medical school wasn't for me. It all came down to whether I wanted to live to work, or work to live. I decided that the latter of the two resonated better with me, and that I would need to seek out a career choice that was truly what I wanted. In all honesty, I never TRULY wanted to become a doctor - that was only the Renascido that was hypercritical and had a superiority complex. I'm now on my way to occupational therapy school, which I think is a far better fit for me. 

 

Anyways, this isn't an attempt at giving you advice, as I really don't have any idea what you're going through or what you're capable of. I just really hope you get it taken care of. I may not know you as a person, but from what I've seen from your posts on this forum, the sober duffman is a highly cerebral and analytical person. I believe you are capable of accomplishing whatever program you're going through without the dex. Please do yourself a favor and get rid of it. Even if you were ever removed from the program, the program could never take who you are as a person away from you - only the amphs can do that. Good luck, brotha.

[duffman]

Duffman,

 

Boy, can I relate to some of the problems you are facing. Back when I was using, the only real reason I kept on using it for 3-4 years was because of fear. I was fearful of being mediocre. I didn't think I was capable of doing anything without the pill. The thing is, I was completely set on going to medical school, which would mean that I intended on using adderall as a crutch for another 5-7 years. Then I thought to myself, if I didn't think I was capable of completing medical school without the crutch of adderall, was it really worth it? I mean even if I did graduate from medical school, would I truly ever finish taking it? It's not as if once you're done with the program life becomes easy. Doctors work long hours, so that would mean that if I wasn't confident in my natural abilities, I would be doomed to a life of adderall. 

 

That has led me to where I am now. After quitting, I realized medical school wasn't for me. It all came down to whether I wanted to live to work, or work to live. I decided that the latter of the two resonated better with me, and that I would need to seek out a career choice that was truly what I wanted. In all honesty, I never TRULY wanted to become a doctor - that was only the Renascido that was hypercritical and had a superiority complex. I'm now on my way to occupational therapy school, which I think is a far better fit for me. 

 

Anyways, this isn't an attempt at giving you advice, as I really don't have any idea what you're going through or what you're capable of. I just really hope you get it taken care of. I may not know you as a person, but from what I've seen from your posts on this forum, the sober duffman is a highly cerebral and analytical person. I believe you are capable of accomplishing whatever program you're going through without the dex. Please do yourself a favor and get rid of it. Even if you were ever removed from the program, the program could never take who you are as a person away from you - only the amphs can do that. Good luck, brotha.

Wow. You REALLY can relate to my situation, because it almost mirrors your situation.

 

First of all, I'd like to say congrats on OT school. I work alongside OT's all day determining the best plan of care for my patients and for discharge expectations (home vs. rehab vs. skilled nursing etc.). I have much love for OT's and what you guys do. (I'm in physical therapy school, as you've probably read in previous posts). 

 

I appreciate the 'analytical/cerebral' compliment. I just don't feel as intelligent off Dexedrine/Dextroamphetamine, though in the back of my mind I know that stimulant meds give you the heightened perception that you're a lot smarter than you really are. I'm working on regaining my self-confidence/self-worth off these meds, and it isn't easy. I'm used to popping a pill and waiting for that confidence to reveal itself 15-30 mins later. It doesn't help that I stopped taking anti-depressants and benzos a few months before quitting stimulants. Learning to source my own confidence and have trust in my natural abilities is an ongoing battle.

 

I got into medical school before I got into PT school. I was very fortunate to have a frank discussion with the head of internal medicine at the hospital I was working at prior to starting med school. He helped me realize that I was chasing a mentality (being in charge, satiating my ego, money) rather than choosing what I really wanted to do. After working as a PT, I know I chose the correct path. Doctors are in the business of keeping patients alive by any means (prescribing TONS of medications and doing invasive procedures) while PTs/OTs are in the business of enhancing patient's quality of life. We therapists are not inferior to physicians, rather our roles are just different. 

 

I appreciate your response Renascido. Keep me updated on your progress.