My comeback story (in progress)

[zckmcd]

Hello out there, after months of following the site, and reading all of your stories, feeling strangely connected to all of you, I thought I'd share mine. This place has been my  only lifeline in my recovery, some of my worst days have been brightened after reading your journeys, thank you to everyone who has shared, thank you for the hope. 

 

3 months ago I was nearing the end of my monthly binge, I had been taking vyvanse for about 4 years, and abused it immediately, and so the downfall of it all came imminently. Like most of you I did the one to two week binge, awake for days, few hours sleep here and there, zombie mode, wasting countless hours on trivial projects and ideas, then down for the count for 2 plus weeks. For me the biggest deciding factor was my physical health, vyvanse was ripping apart my guts, it felt like it was turning my bones to dust, always scared my next dose would literally burst open my heart. I stumbled upon this site and hours later decided to quit. I filled in my family, they had no idea, then called the pharmacy to delete the prescription. No turning back. 

 

It will be 3 months next week and like most of you the struggle is alive and well, I believe I am writing this out of necessity, so far I have had little breakthrough, my biggest fear in quitting was the anhedonia I knew I would face, and as each day goes by I wonder if I'll ever feel joy again, play guitar again, keep up with my two year old, and like I said if it wasn't for this site and you people I would have most definitely been back at it. I have gained over 20lbs, my stomach is still reeling, smoking more, also smoking pot, all day usually, I work from home which has been helpful while recovering, but the hours in between are lethargic at best. I had been hibernating in my home for years, barely in contact with anyone outside my little world, I have begun to be social again but it has been torture, I make myself do it but I've lost all of my close friends over the years, and now I am literally relearning how to engage with people. Ive always had some sort of social anxiety, vyvanse cured that, and it has been painfully awkward since.  

 

I can't remember how I use to feel, before vyvanse, I had been on countless different anti depressants, wasted most of my twenties partying and heavy drinking, so it was been almost 6 years since I was me. I would do anything to get that person back, I am scared I may never be that person again, will I even be able to tell? I want my son to know his real dad, he hasn't met him yet. I feel paralyzed, even the steps I know I need to start (exercise,eating well) seem impossible, I relied on vyvanse for everything from cleaning, hobbies, right down to hygiene. I keep reading the benefits of quitting start to be realized around that 7-9 month mark, and its not the wait that is daunting, but getting there and not feeling any different. 

 

Until then...thank you all again for making my recovery a little more bearable, my name is Zack, thanks for reading. 

[duffman]

I find it absolutely incredible that I can relate so much to people's experiences with respect to quitting stimulant medications. I'm a few days shy of my 7 month mark, and the phrase "the night is darkest just before the dawn" hopefully holds true in my case. You're at a pivotal moment in your recovery. I won't lie to you, beginning at the 3rd month, you will start to really be tested on your devotion to recovering. I'm no expert on recovery from this substance, nor am I sufficiently "healed" myself. However, I want to lend you some things that have gotten me this far. They may or may not help you, but I at least wanted to share what has worked for me. 

 

Here are some tips I've discovered along my journey that may benefit you:

 

• Exercise. ANY form of exercise will benefit you. I'm not going to lecture you on the physical benefits of exercise, because I suspect you already know moving around more or moving heavy objects will cause your body to adapt to the physical stress thus making you stronger/fitter. However, what's important here is what you're establishing in your brain in response to exercise. You're rewiring your brain to recognize WHAT YOU DO can have a profound impact on how you feel instead of exclusively WHAT YOU TAKE having an impact on how you feel. I'm prone to depressive spells (as can be intuited by a few of my posts on this forum) and the only relief I get is from exercise, cardio more-so than weight lifting, but both contribute. It's not a cure for these depressive spells, but I feel like it gives me some control over how these depressive spells affect me. 
• Learning to say No to people's requests. Back when I was high on Adderall, I felt like I had the energy and productivity capacity to take on anything and everything. When people would request something from me, I would reflexively say "When do you need it done by?". Sometimes I would arrogantly take on other people's problems without them asking me, because I felt like I was more capable of handling their problems than they were. Now that I am in recovery, I'm discovering that I am vulnerable to burn-out and I do have a finite capacity to get things done, so I'm having to tell people that I simply cannot do this or that they want me to do, or least I will do it later. This is especially true for people who are used to you being the go-to-guy or woman at work. 
• Meditation. This isn't easy to do, especially after quitting adderall. However, it helps me become less identified with my thoughts. It's not guaranteed to work right away. Sometimes, it irritates me because it shows how easily distracted my mind has become. But that is precisely the point. 

Overall, congratulations on your progress thus far!! Whatever you're doing is working, so keep at it and visit the site often. I, too, would've relapsed by now if it wasn't for this site. 

[zckmcd]

I find it absolutely incredible that I can relate so much to people's experiences with respect to quitting stimulant medications. I'm a few days shy of my 7 month mark, and the phrase "the night is darkest just before the dawn" hopefully holds true in my case. You're at a pivotal moment in your recovery. I won't lie to you, beginning at the 3rd month, you will start to really be tested on your devotion to recovering. I'm no expert on recovery from this substance, nor am I sufficiently "healed" myself. However, I want to lend you some things that have gotten me this far. They may or may not help you, but I at least wanted to share what has worked for me. 

 

Here are some tips I've discovered along my journey that may benefit you:

 

• Exercise. ANY form of exercise will benefit you. I'm not going to lecture you on the physical benefits of exercise, because I suspect you already know moving around more or moving heavy objects will cause your body to adapt to the physical stress thus making you stronger/fitter. However, what's important here is what you're establishing in your brain in response to exercise. You're rewiring your brain to recognize WHAT YOU DO can have a profound impact on how you feel instead of exclusively WHAT YOU TAKE having an impact on how you feel. I'm prone to depressive spells (as can be intuited by a few of my posts on this forum) and the only relief I get is from exercise, cardio more-so than weight lifting, but both contribute. It's not a cure for these depressive spells, but I feel like it gives me some control over how these depressive spells affect me. 
• Learning to say No to people's requests. Back when I was high on Adderall, I felt like I had the energy and productivity capacity to take on anything and everything. When people would request something from me, I would reflexively say "When do you need it done by?". Sometimes I would arrogantly take on other people's problems without them asking me, because I felt like I was more capable of handling their problems than they were. Now that I am in recovery, I'm discovering that I am vulnerable to burn-out and I do have a finite capacity to get things done, so I'm having to tell people that I simply cannot do this or that they want me to do, or least I will do it later. This is especially true for people who are used to you being the go-to-guy or woman at work. 
• Meditation. This isn't easy to do, especially after quitting adderall. However, it helps me become less identified with my thoughts. It's not guaranteed to work right away. Sometimes, it irritates me because it shows how easily distracted my mind has become. But that is precisely the point. 

Overall, congratulations on your progress thus far!! Whatever you're doing is working, so keep at it and visit the site often. I, too, would've relapsed by now if it wasn't for this site. 

 

Thanks for the reply and advice duffman, I definitely need to start some form of exercise as I really have not put much effort into my recovery except for waiting. I have tried meditating, it is very hard, especially shutting off my rambling brain but will keep at it. Congrats to you as well. 

[Frank B]

I'm not anti pot in fact done it a few times off this drug each time felt beneficial.But not sure if smoking pot all day everyday is going to help your recovery. I'm sure it may mask some of the withdraw but probably won't help long term. I also work from home alot I find it a double edged sword on recovery. I think people need a routine/ discipline making yourself go to a job everyday etc when you don't have that slacking off is a problem something I still deal with but its been getting better lately.