Appetite/Energy Question

[Kim1717]

Hi All,

So today marks day 4 of quitting.. Over the past 4 days I've zoned out in front of a tv, ate and snacked, stayed away from alcohol and just have moaned and groaned over feeling lazy. There have been some good moments but it's been a battle. My question is this: do you feel it's easier to give yourself the permission to be lazy and exert little physical effort and thus not eat everything in sight for energy reasons OR should I continue eating like a truck driver hoping that the motivation kicks In and I'll be able to resume some normalcy? I'm just tired of eating a lot and feeling so tired still afterwards! I tried running a bit today to sweat it off but found my lack of focus and energy to be too much to bear and then started thinking that it'll be harder to get back on track once the haze lifts if I'm waddling around extra puffy.. Thanks in advance for any insight.

[Renascido]

There is a correlation between eating right and feeling right, but there is definitely not a causation. With that said, at this point of your recovery, eating right - and by eating right I mean eating healthy - will only yield you so many results. Normalcy is going to be an evolving term for you, because it really will change throughout your recovery journey. You can't expect any miracles of feeling as you did before you started adderall, unless you were on it for a very short amount of time. So, in my opinion, you should allow yourself to relax like a slug, but you shouldn't consume food over-voraciously unless you want to deal with other problems that so many people share after quitting adderall: weight gain/confidence issues. I'd be a lazy slug while eating salmon, chicken breast, greens, salads, etc. lol. Be patient with yourself and congrats on taking the plunge. 

[msb1128]

Remembering how I felt the first week, I'd say mostly give yourself permission to be lazy. You need a lot of rest to recover from what adderall put your body though. However, it's never too early to start taking some SMALL steps toward rebuilding your health and creating new healthy habits - trying to eat some healthy things (but also giving yourself permission to have some treats to make this difficult time more manageable), moving a little bit like a shorter walk or run, getting a few things done to keep up with things so you don't find yourself way behind in the weeks to come. 

 

With everything, keep goals small and concrete right now. Nothing that takes up too much time or is too complicated since you won't have the mental energy to focus on any one thing for long or think through any complicated task. Small goals that are attainable also help you feel like you are still accomplishing something. If your main concern is exercise and food, I'd be focusing on balance - again some exercise but shorter sessions maybe, and a balance of foods that allow you to wallow in your misery a little (LOL) but also know that you are starting or maintaining healthy eating habits. Just don't go overboard with anything right now or be too hard on yourself. Now is not the time.

[Kim1717]

Thanks to you both! It helps immensely to put things into perspective and allow myself to really take it easy in the beginning. I'm going to try to eat wholesome foods when hungry; allowing for some treats to keep myself happy during an otherwise stressful time.

I have been on Adderall for about 4 years and have tried quitting before so remember the pain. I think the scariest part of this drug is how friggin difficult it is to function without. It's like "Surprise! you really don't naturally stay up past midnight, run 6 miles daily, respond rapid fire to emails, go a million miles per hour on little food without using this is a crutch." And unless you're 76 years old and still running to the doctor for your prescription, at one point you have to quit and figure out how to function in life without popping pills constantly to cope.

Also, it really gave me the worst mood swings. I would be super aggressive in my relationship and would analyze things that my boyfriend would say and would fight for days over simple poor word choice on his part. And for all that running around, I'm no closer to my goals, my once pristine apartment is a wreck, my gym bod is turning into a couch potatoe. BUT everyday gets a little better, I feel more like me and those things really aren't worth it if I'm unable to enjoy any of it or anything in general on the meds. It's so embarrassing looking back and realizing what an asshat I was and how many beautiful moments I ruined being so emotionally maxed out and unable to let go and relax in the moment. Now I'm too tired to fight and I'm forced to live more in the moment since recovery is painful enough. Karma really is a bitch:)

I think the other stressful thing about detoxing is in finding my support system to be less than supportive. My boyfriend has taken the brunt of the drugs side effects so is less than thrilled to hear me now complain about the struggle. Add that to his new health food/workout kick which is irritating to me right now as I find getting off the couch as a wild success🎉

Has anyone else felt like they tried to include someone in their recovery only to feel more frustrated over their basic lack of sensitivity? I feel like I want him to understand how tough this is but he looks at me like I'm just complaining all the time about something I did to myself and making excuses up for my laziness. I've told him what withdrawal feels like and he's researched it himself. Mostly we're good but in the morning I'm groggy and lash out when I feel like he's more concerned with himself. Tough love has a time and place but right now it would be so nice to have him help out a bit more.

I realize that at the end of the day no one is responsible for how I feel and my recovery other than me. I have to look out for my well being over all else. The big picture is much more important right now. Finding small pockets of beauty in my sober life thus far and reading through other stories on this forum are the only things getting me through lately.. Just have to focus on the little improvements and small successes. This will not define me and this feeling will not last forever, step by step we all will get through it:)

[Kim1717]

As I was rereading my post it struck me: my issue really lies in giving up this idea of perfectionism and this idea my self worth is conditional on a certain perfect image or set of accomplishments. That I'm not enough as I am. If it's hard for me to be vulnerable, to be disshelved and not pretty with blemishes and bulges because what I think other people will think, than those are not the types of people I really should be concerned w in the first place. Somewhere along the way, like many of you, I gave up on myself. I defined my self worth by my shortcomings and failures. I told myself I was incapable and that everyone else is better. And that's where I truly fucked up. It was long before I sought out a therapist for a prescription, it was even before I started abusing my daily dose taking more to feel that happy euphoria. When I stopped feeling like it was ok to not b the best, when I started unfavorably comparing myself to anyone and everyone: that's when it created the perfect void that the prescription filled and numbed for me. Until I'm able to feel secure in myself even in the most unflattering of lights, I'm always going to run into the same problems. As depressing as it is to think about how I lost all control, starting from scratch and knowing that a self limiting mindset is to blame feels like a step in the right direction. I'm starting with myself. I'm reminding myself that I'm uniquely me and I'm proud of that no matter how it looks from the outside.

[Tom23Jones]

Awesome read Kim.  Just keep getting through each day, it'll get easier with time.  The human body is pretty amazing at repairing itself from the damage we cause.

 

 I can relate to so many things you mentioned.  Especially the part about having an insensitive support system.  When I was abusing adderall my wife had to deal with me being an emotional roller coaster.  She never understood why my personality was so volatile from one week to the next. For the longest time she had no idea I was popping 30 days worth of adderall in about 10-12 days and then I had to suffer the other 20 days out of the month.

 

She tries her best to stay supportive but when I have days where I cannot motivate myself to do literally anything she gets pretty resentful.  She doesn't understand how crippled I feel sometimes without Adderall.  But I can't say I blame her.  I've put her through a lot.  And I admit when I'm having bad days, it gets pretty pathetic and if I allow myself to stay feeling all depressed and down that its only going to compound the negativity.

 

Dealing with life without adderall is freaking hard but it feels so good to feel things again.  After being numb to everything for so long even pain feels good in a way.

 

The other frustrating thing for me is knowing what works but not being able to take action.  I've had success since quitting adderall when I wake up early, exercise, meditate, eat healthy, make daily productivity to-do lists etc but its so easy to cheat or take a day off and then it leads to a full week of laziness and I 'm back searching for motivation and focus again.

 

Lastly, I'd highly recommend N/A meetings.  Its super weird at first and almost seems like a cult atmosphere but you'll quickly find how much you have in common with other addicts.  We all have similar stories and have experienced the same struggles.  Its nice to be in a room full of supportive people who don't judge you.

 

Peace

☮ ✌