What to do?

[Flip]

This is a first for me. I have never spoke the truth on this subject (and probably many others) with anyone. I'm even hesitating at this moment, it's 2:30am...what am I doing ? I'm 25, married for 6 years to the most incredible woman (who I've already put through hell) with three daughters, nice job, nice house, and here I am again...am I stuck on repeat? Why can't I speak to anyone about this? Why am I so scared? I'm a grown ass man, or at least thought I was...

Started using addy in high school, no script, small doses and was very occasional, but gave me the taste of blood so to speak. For some reason I honestly can't remember why how or exactly when really I started to take my wife's (at this time we were still dating) mothers pills without her knowing. Sometime after that life slapped me in the face, I'm 19, gf is 17 and we are now expecting our first child. Joined the Army (was my dream job) as a UAV Maintainer. Life is great, number two is on the way now. 2-3 years into military wife gets back on her script...I fell into a whole of skimming the beads out of her tablets without her noticing, this went on for months. She got suspicious but somehow i never got caught, until i was basically emptying every 30mg vyvanse she had. Of course she noticed and I'm a dipshit idk if I'll ever truly forgive myself for what happened, idk how she has, I can't imagine what life would be like without her, love her to death. I was saying, she caught on but now I had my own script...and was still abusing hers as well. One morning she called me when I had just got to work (after pt) saying all her capsules were empty and called the MPs(on post housing) Well, took all of 30 minutes to decide I was suspect number one bc I have already had one UA come back hot with no script and was pending UCMJ. My life was upside down. Unit deployed without me. I was full of lies. Swore to my wife it wasn't me, told my leadership it must have been some pre workout. Well can't bs a polygraph and when they said that word along with "if it wasn't you we have to bring your wife in she is our next suspect" Nope, nope, nope, I cracked. Was not going to let that happen to her I already was ashamed and guilty and will live with that for the rest of my life probably.

Somehow I keep my wife and family, thank god!!!!! Get a general discharge, should have been in prison for false reporting, possession of class 2 without script. Land a job back home and buy a house within first 3 months of discharge. I'm terribly lucky, know it, but why do I keep pushing it? Been roughly 2 years now? Guess what. Shortly after being back home, I was back at it, i was cut off from addy but found my mother in laws again, didn't dare touch my wife's then, swore it off to her bc I couldn't handle it, I can't take it as prescribed, I spiral. A little more than a year goes by of taking hers here and there and now I have my own script, instantly can't control the urge to limit myself, like I'm a little kid...drives me insane.

Every script is finished early, then its back to mother in laws until my next one is filled. My dumbass has no self control I am now back to taking my wife's...what kind of person has this shit turned me into? I'm a monster. If I get pegged again I'm toast, I will be a lonely sole who did it all to himself...and for a pill? REALLLYYY???

Today has to be the day, I've tried numerous times to stop on my own but always in silence. I'm too embarrassed for all my other mistakes and my pride is too big to admit to anyone I've been on it ever since I've been home. I'm scared of losing my wife, so much so I don't even know how to tell her now. Cats almost out of the bag, pushed my luck over weekend and probably took 5-7 of hers in just two days, I'm a fool to think she wouldn't notice...wait scratch that I haven't been thinking! Bc just last month I took well over 25 of her mothers in a matter of a week. She wants to call the police, wait is this a nightmare or deja vu ? Didn't I go thru this and learn already? Guess not.

Travel a lot for work, mostly only for 1-3 nights at a time. This is where I binge, alone, in a hotel. Feel like a loser. Every time as I lay wide awake I tell myself this is it. STOP. NOT WORTH IT. But, same old same old.

I am in a hotel now and can't sleep, running on fumes from the weekend. I've tried finding stuff online to help motivate me to quit before but never goes anywhere. Then, I find this site. I have been on it for a few hours now reading and love it. I told myself if I wanted to stop, I have to open up. But idk who to talk to? Certainly no one that knows me. No one truly knows me anyways, I have put up a wall and adderal is the face ppl see. My wife knows me, I know in her heart she knows it's me taking her pills again but she doesn't want to face that truth or is embarrassed herself of me. I have hidden so long now idk who I am. Idk how to fix myself. All I want to do is tell my wife everything, I've lied so much to her about this. I have so much fucking guilt but I don't feel worthy of relieving that guilt at her expense. She hasn't done a single thing to deserve any of this shit and its round 2 for us.

How do I give her the world without crushing it with the truth and without the super man pills?

This is now my only focus, only goal, to show her the thanks she deserves by trying to be the REAL me again. Not looking forward to the crash or breaking the truth to her, but I gotta somehow. Time to man up. Time to not be selfish and weak.

I'll try to come back every month with updates, mostly when I'm away for work. I feel if I don't start talking then I'll just keep hiding my habits and get no where. It's 4AM now, gotta wake up at 5:30 to be at a job site by 6:30. Feel like I let just enough weight off my shoulders to sleep.

Was that long enough? Left out a lot of details and kinda sloppy timeline. Never have told anyone so I don't know how to tell it...apologies but man that felt good.

[Flip]

Wow typos,

Hole*

Beads in capsules* not tablets

[Tom23Jones]

Hey Flip,  you aren't weak or selfish at all.  Thats just the power this drug has on you.  Every time I got my new script filled, I told myself that I was going to give everything I had to take it as prescribed and I NEVER would even get through the first day before I was abusing it again.

 

You are in a tough spot because you have a wife and mother-in-law who also has a supply.  I know when I was abusing adderall, I would have stole any supply I could get my hands on.

 

I guess my first question would be, would your wife consider quitting stimulants with you so you aren't tempted?  At the very least she has to keep them secure and away from you. 

 

But I could see having resentment towards my wife if she was on stimulants and I wasn't.... especially on the hard days when you have zero motivation.

 

You are in a very tough spot  Flip.  But I think deep down you know that the answer is quitting for good.  Nobody wants to live going through these vicious cycles and you know that the way you are abusing the drug isn't sustainable long term.

[LILTEX41]

Hi Flip,

 

So glad you posted.  Sounds like you are struggling and I can see where it feels like the weight of the world on your chest trying to keep all this locked inside and hidden from both your wife and mother in law.

 

I definitely think it would be good to have that conversation with her about everything.  If you don't, the cycle you're in is just going to continue and it's going to eat at you along with the damage it's doing to your well being.  

 

I pray you can come to some sort of resolution together for your family and please keep us posted!

[Frank B]

My fiancé had her a script I took mine then hers when I ran out she knew about it we were both addicted me a lot more though. I quit and told her she had to also and she did. No way can I be around it will not allow it near me. Even if your wife and step mom do not abuse it like you just think of it is they can control how much cocaine they use daily to function so that really does not make them on a higher level then you. This shit is addictive as fuck and should not be prescribed to anyone for any reason. If your going to stop your wife will need to also. Me and my fiancé have had lots of issues but us being both on adderall made it worse things are slowly getting better we will see where it goes.