Relationship question - can some people take adderall and not be affected negatively?

[Yogichris]

Hi everyone,

Hope you all had a great thanksgiving. I haven't written in awhile but have been reading all posts still. I don't take adderall, my ex did, but it's been almost two months we've been broken up now. He's texted me a handful of times saying he misses me, thinking about me, etc. I always write back since I still love him. I had written him a letter about my concern of his adderall useage and he finally read it a few weeks backs. He texted saying he read it but didn't necessarily agree with a lot of it. Anyway, a couple days ago I caved and texted him asking to see him. When we hung out, it was great to see him as my heart is with him. He just held me, it was just nice. Of course I brought up us and what he's been thinking. He went on to say he misses me but can't make me happy, that I'm too much, that he needs his freedom (to sleep until whenever, to hang with his buddies last minute if they invite him, to not worry about what I might say or think, to work late, to just live his life). He said he's not happy with himself or where he's at right now and needs to find balance (side note, I told him a year ago that maybe we shouldn't be together so he could find balance in his life but he always says I'm good for him and he doesn't want to loose me). I then asked why he texted me saying he misses me then, he said cause he did. But this messes with my head. I brought up the adderall and he again said he doesn't agree he has a problem. I honestly thought after two months, with him saying he's been depressed, saying he misses me, that he read my letter...I thought he'd finally admit that his medication could be a huge part of what went wrong between us but he didn't say this. He just said he needs to start looking for a new job, get himself right, etc. (I do think he's struggling at work. His boss commented that he's been coming in late, but he seems to think this is due to us breaking up and he's depressed, not adderall). I guess I'm now wanting to hear from you if maybe I've blown his adderall use out of proportion and perhaps it's just me or maybe he's someone who is not affected negatively by long term adderall use. He's been taking for at least 5 years maybe more. Since I've known him he's on 20mg instant release 3 pills a day but takes 4 sometimes. But I also don't really know how many he takes. So at least 60-80 mg a day. Is it possible that he could be right about not having a problem and I'm the reason we didn't work out? I guess it's confusing since he's saying he misses me and loves me but then saying I'm too much and he can't make me happy. Why bother contacting someone in the first place . Is this the adderall making him do this and him wanting my attention? But then he won't commit. He wants to be 'free' or is this just a typical guy acting like a guy who still wants to be single? I know not everyone had negative experiences with adderall but I was convinced after reading this site that it's affecting him. How do you really know??

[bluemoon]

Reading your post is absolutely heart wrenching. 

 

I've said it before, I'll say it again... All of his behaviour you have described in this post and in your older posts is a direct result of Adderall abuse!!! This guy is a LAWYER - it is his JOB to shift the blame, and he is damn good at it. The fact that he won't even admit that any of his issues are Adderall related is a joke, and it's a sure sign that he is not anywhere NEAR even thinking about quitting.

 

If you choose to continue to allow him to be in your life, you are choosing a life of heartbreak, sadness, loneliness, worry, fear, etc. There are SO many red flags, and you know it. My personal opinion is that you need to cut all contact and change your phone number, and move on. Find happiness with a man who will treat you the way you deserve!! I know that this is not what you want to hear, but unfortunately, this man will never be that man for you. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I know it has been very hard on you. You deserve SO MUCH MORE! 

[Frank B]

I wish adderall did not have bad side effects still be on it. From your post it doesn't even seem like he's trying to win you back more less keeping you around on his terms. Sure you know this and just want to hear it from others so hope this confirms how you already feel. 

[Yogichris]

Bluemoon and Frank B, thanks for your replies. Truly, thank you. I had a moment of questioning myself and doubting if I've incorrectly 'diagnosed' him when maybe he has no issue with his medication. I think the fact that he's still not admitting that his adderall is affecting him, or maybe he really doesn't think so genuinely, made me second guess myself. I can't seem to wrap my head around it all still. I'm having a hard time accepting that he is ok with taking his meds and not looking deeper into it, making me feel crazy. I don't see how he can be in any serious relationship, but of course, if he does get into a committed relationship, I'll question myself even more about his adderall. I truly hoped I could be by his side and work through this with him. And I honestly wonder if some people can live a long life taking high amounts of adderall and be ok. He hasn't had any health issues yet but who knows. And still has his buddies so hasn't lost any other people except me.

And yes bluemoon, being a lawyer certainly gives him an added edge of saying the right things and making me question even more. I was embarrassed to post again and seem weak, but I'm glad I did. Many thanks and I'll keep reading and cheering you all on in the meantime. I'm so grateful for this site and community.

[flow3]

That's the exact same amount I took for about 4yrs. Within that time... I got divorced from my wife(not necessarily due to me taking addy, she has a cluster b personality disorder, but either way we weren't able to work it out. I just didn't care anymore), lost my successful business of 10yrs and literally lost every single thing I had. When I finally quit, I could literally fit all of my possessions in a duffle bag and my truck was repossessed. Whereas before I owned a nice house on 12acres of land and always drove new vehicles, pretty much had it all. Over the last year I'm slowly getting it all back but its not been easy.

I think moon hit the nail on the head... you deserve so much better. It's tough to lose a loved one but sometimes you're left with no choice. You have to take care of yourself (something I've just recently learned to do) or else you may find yourself battling an addiction. Unhappiness and depression is most times the culprit to addiction.

Wish you luck... stay strong!

[Yogichris]

Thanks flow3. You're a fighter to have realized what was going on with you. It's crazy to me how some of you are so affected by adderall that you're on this site trying to quit, while others (like my ex) seem to not be affected, or don't think their adderall has any role in the way they're life is going...I guess it really does show you some people are wired differently or so taken over by their addiction there is no getting out. It just breaks my heart for all those not getting help. You all continue to inspire me in my own life and I don't even take this medication. This site is powerful.

Thank you so much and I wish you continued success in your journey to move forward

[Bubbagump99]

Oh man. This sucks, makes me sad. A lot to be said here... but ultimately he's choosing the adderall over you. I always chose adderall over everyone and everything for years and years. My husband told me it made me mean and crazy and not care, I was convinced he was crazy bc I didn't agree with him. I couldn't agree with him bc I really couldn't see it until I got off of it all. I was so use to living and feeling a certain way on those pills I honestly forgot who I was, who I used to be.. The adderall made me SO unaffectionate and moody..

I hate to say this to you but from a girl who loved and used ad for almost nine years- nothing is going to change until he quits it. Idk how my husband put up w me the last nine years now that I'm off of it. It's not a way to live your life or be in a relationship...

my advice-- if you can't help him-- run. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved :/

[dadof3finallyfree]

Hey Yogi I went thru the same hard conflict and decision with my ex wife.  She didnt show all the symptoms of abuse when I first found out she was addicted but man did everything come pouring out after we found out. She could be a sweetheart at times but usually when she got her way, when there was a little argument or dissagreement usually over her bad moves too it was hell in a basket. Repeated over and over and over.

I know her abuse ramped way up in the last two years and everything that everyone goes through on here was text book for her like someone wrote her story out for her ahead of time especially this past year. Thank god I learned about it ahead of time on here.

After all of my reading on here and I covered this site top to bottom the biggest light bulb that went off for me (this is just my opinion as a non using spouse) is that if they are still using their future is pretty much road mapped for them, make take some longer some shorter but its paved.  Remember even if they quit you'll battle thru more lies and most likely relapses and just be in a circle for years most likely until they hopefully beat it and or you get crushed.  The strong people on her that quit still mention years later they think about it, less and less but your looking at a lifelong uphill road here in my mind if you stay with him.  Listen to the posts above and from my experience and reading your posts Id say move on, go be happy.  Best of luck, sorry your in this mess!

[bluemoon]

Yogichris, all of us here were once in that stage of addiction that he is in. It's full blown addiction. At the stage he is in, he is obviously not thinking about quitting at all. When you question him, he will defend his addict behaviour. It does not matter what anyone says to him, he will not admit that the pills are affecting him in a negative way (even though it is so obvious that they are), he will not admit he is addicted. He will always find a way to justify his addiction. It's just what an addict does. This was all of us at one point in time. 

 

One day though, it will hit him like a ton of bricks. The pills will stop working, and he will realize his life is in the shitter. From the sounds of it, this could be YEARS down the road for him. And I don't think you should wait around for one second longer.

 

When he finally realizes he has a problem, he may possibly begin to THINK about quitting. This "thinking about quitting" stage could also go on for a very long time. It is extremely difficult to quit, even if you really want to! It took me two years of "trying to quit" and I can't even count how many attempts (at least 20 attempts) before I could finally make it stick for longer than a couple months at a time. There is nothing you (or anyone) can say or do to make him want to quit. He has to hit rock bottom. He has to admit to himself that has a problem. He has to want it for himself. But honestly, it really does not sound like he is anywhere close to wanting to quit.

 

If he ever does finally quit, it will not be easy, it will be a LONG and painful road. Just like dadof3 said, you would still have to worry about possible relapses and what not. I quit over a year ago and I still struggle just to get through day to day life. I do not feel emotionally capable of being in a relationship with anyone at this time or any time soon.

 

I remember you saying you wanted to have kids sometime soon. Get this man out of your life completely so you can heal and find a man who is worthy of your love!! It sounds like you have a lot of love to give. This guy does not deserve a single second longer of your time.

[Yogichris]

SmhJen, dadofthree, bluemoon...everyone...your posts are incredibly helpful and honest. I heard of a new term recently, love addiction, (just read a book on this) and it's completely me. Basically people like me are co-dependent and when in love, can become addicted to that person (and the partner typically has a substance abuse). But we love so deeply we don't want to believe that our partner has an issue, we tend to make excuses for them, believe their words...

Reading what you all wrote showed me I'm doing this, and believing his words that he doesn't think he has a problem making me question myself; yet, as you all shared, he's no where near close to admitting anything. I started to blame myself again, that since I questioned his adderall useage too much, I pushed him completely away...

I did have hope a light bulb would go off once I left and he read my letter...each text he sent saying how much he missed me, gave me hope he was opening his eyes to his medication and his abuse of it; but he's not putting ANY effort in which says everything. I thought I knew this already (from my past posts) but I'm understanding more and more he has a loooong way to go as you said. The thinking of quitting, the actually doing it, the relapsing, all of it will be years and years...and he's not close to anyone to ask for help through it no matter how much I love him, I can't help him. And I know I need to know he loves me, but is incapable of truly giving to Any relationship whether it's me or someone else.

Thanks for helping me through this and for being so real...I wish we could all meet, you seem like such cool people to all the partners out there of someone taking adderall, it really is so tough to understand the depth of what this medication can do. Like dadofthree said, they may not show every sign of abuse, and they may have this side that you fell in love with (times of being present and truly intimate), but continue to read what everyone shares and know the advice from those that finally quit have experienced this first hand.

Thank you everyone and I know I'll be in this site for a long time reading your stories.