Snorting ~150mg Adderall every day that I can

[DoctorrRock]

Hey guys, I just came across this website. I am addicted to adderall, as I'm sure you've either guessed by the title or the giant wall of text you can see waiting below.  You know how it is... awake for 40 hours and I can't tell if my writing came out impressively descriptive or a wall of nonsense. Ignore spelling and grammar errors as I'll be passing out as soon as type the last word.

I am addicted to abusing adderall, always via insufflation (snorting). It is definitely an addiction and, like many other people, my adderall use is dedicated to social situations rather than the intended purpose. I drink heavily while on it sometimes with friends... but I usually just do a bunch of adderall by itself when alone. Mentally, I've always had and promoted a super positive attitude about life and kept a sense of humor about everything. I think pretty deeply, and I find I am reducing everything to logic more and more and make less effort to base anything on emotion. I have had my share of existential crises in the past, but I also love positivity am always very optimistic. Either way, I might as well just start from the beginning of the adderall relationship.

 

One Year on Adderall & Four Years I forgot about it

The first time I took adderall was from a friend at 17 years old. I ended up going in to get tested soon after, thinking anybody can get a prescription if they just act a little distracted during the testing... well it worked, and I got my script.  I am still convinced only a small fraction of people who are prescribed to adderall actually NEED it to function... the rest of us initially just use it to function BETTER whether we admit it or not (just my opinion).  I took it for most of my senior year in high school, and even then I started to pop double the dose sometimes for pretty much no reason at all. I started to get these tics where my ears and shoulders would always feel like they needed to be stretched. It got to a point where it hurt so I just stopped taking adderall cold turkey and was completely back to normal after a month of being slightly tired. I just didn't think about it and I am now dumbfounded as to how I was able to do that with no effort. I went through college (business school) without taking it or thinking about it at all. I took it once for finals and had 2 extra that I forgot about on my desk, and when my friend found them I told him he can have a blast. There was no desire for it in me. If I hadn't experienced it myself, I'd probably be convinced right now I'll always be an addict. I personally believe addiction a mere perspective, and can be turned off with the right attitude and mindset. There are physical effects until the drug leaves the body, but after that it's all in the head.

 

Rediscovering Adderall and the spawn of a terrible addiction

This was not a relapse. Adderall never had any control over me before this point.  Immediately after college I went out with a girl from my hometown. I was tired and decided to take just a quarter of a 20 (5mg) and see if it would wake me up. After a very successful date, I felt like a new man. I started popping 10mg before going out everywhere I went, and that year was a temporary window where I felt like a god. Everyone wanted to be around me and girls were fighting over me. I was so relaxed, confident, and on point with everything that was going on around me without putting any effort into it at all. I felt at peace with myself at all times and nobody could have brought me down if they tried. Of course if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. I repeated this process and was frequently overly tired at work, left my job, was going out all the time and totally ignorant about my habits. It was probably around then I would refuse go to a big social event with friends if I was out of adderall. At some point I began to snort it occasionally so it hit faster/harder, and it just became the only way I do it. I honestly don't remember a specific moment where that became a thing for me but it's been that way for 3 or 4 years now.  As with most drug abusers you chase the high, which requires exceeding the previous amount. When taking 20mg feels weak, snort 10 more, and so on. I remember the first time I did 60mg at once. It was in a hotel room with a friend who wanted like a 5mg bump and didn't like it. I broke up 3 20s and snorted it all, and had a great night. 60 was now the new high. That was about 2 years ago.

THIS is where my actions began to have opposite effects:

1.  I began to snort it by myself and stay up all hours instead of saving it for when I was going out. At this point I often don't go out when people invite me because it's like a 50% chance I haven't slept since the previous morning (like this exact moment as I write this).
2.  Most of my successes of the past 2 years have been when I am sober. I was accepted to an accelerated software engineering school and saved up for it while working as a lab tech. Being completely sober at work I was always super relaxed, liked by my boss, effective, and I got a lot of numbers. I dated 2 girls from there for a short period. I would still take adderall at night and on weekends. At software school I was down to adderall on one weekend night per week, was doing 80-100 hours of work every week without adderall, and finished at the top of the class.. 
3.  Most of my downfalls come from adderall. I don't let myself go out without being super high on it. Both of those girls I took out at that lab job initially stopped talking to me after the first date, and then I convinced them it was because I was on adderall. One of them gave me a second chance and when we went out sober, like at work, she was really into me. I ate a small amount one time a  month later when we were out somewhere and she noticed immediately and asked if I was on it, saying my pupils were dilated. She left me soon after. Not a big deal, it just speaks to how I don't have my shit together. During the software program, I took an adderall one morning towards the end and had a panic attack while presenting. Mostly, people look at me like a robot when I'm on it. I don't really feel emotional connections like I used to...

I worked a contract job for a bit as a developer and since the contract ended I am just in bed doing adderall any chance I get and waiting for interviews. If I take some, I know I won't be sleeping until the next night and I've stayed up 3 days multiple times. When I crash, I sleep for like 16+ hours and still feel tired. Even the days I go out now and am not a normal human to other people because I'm always tweaking on adderall. I change subjects of the conversation, or keep uninteresting conversations going too long. I feel the need to say everything on my mind, and not pay attention others' signals, and I am only loosely aware of my own body language and tone while talking. Strangely enough, the term attention deficit never felt more fitting for the state of mind of a person on a lot of adderall.

I feel fragile and weak, I'm in bed all day, I have no car, no money, I'm losing friends, people don't respect me anymore, and frankly it's a reflection of my not respecting myself. This is the first time I've explained this in this much detail and it already feels good reading others' stories and getting the motivation to make it happen now. I've been telling myself I will quit after next saturday for my friend's birthday party people are throwing, but I am not going to. There is always "one more time". Plus I am always taking it as if I am hiding my sober self from the world even though my sober self is so much cooler.  Makes me want to kick this cheap addiction's ass and forget about it.  I don't want rehab; again, I have never bought into the "once an addict, always an addict" belief and I see it as 100% mental... with a little help from my friends.  The last time I took it was 8 hours ago and the disappearing wings of adderall insomnia are flickering my focus. I'll check back tomorrow.

If you have any suggestions as to what may help me keep my mind on track the first 30 days, I'd love to hear it! I already plan on making other big changes at the same time to take the focus off the adderall. Exercise is definitely crucial to ridding myself completely of this addiction.

Thank you anyone who listened and even if nobody did, it's nice to have a place where people have similar problems.

 

TL;DR - adderall ate my brain - HALP! 

[HairsprayQueen]

You are not alone.  I definitely have similar problems, especially the lack of self-respect.  

[Frank B]

You seem very smart but don't let "it's only mental thing" fool you it's still hard as fuck the physical withdraw is short but mentally even for me a year out and it's a constant struggle just to put it in the past and I try everything to move forward working out eating right but it still lingers on not to say I crave a pill but everything I do in my life that is half ass I think man on addy I'd get this shit done and to perfection. Far as rehab I know what you mean I don't believe in all that NA says in fact sometimes I feel the group is like Scientology giving up yourself to conform to a certain lifestyle they promote which is the only way to be successful in life. I still go to meetings once in awhile it's a great place to clear your head. But I don't have a sponsor never cared to do the 12 steps I'm sober from addy and other hard prescription pills because I'm fucking stubborn I told myself I'm done and that's how it is I have control over my own actions and who I hang out with. If any of your friends do addy or any other drug "besides just pot I do not consider that worse then alcohol" they will need to be part of your past. It sounds u got a way with the ladies you keep up your pace of doing this shit hard your junk won't be able to get hard so won't have much to offer them just a little extra motivation to stop asap. Quit saying one more time and say it's over now!  Toss those pills away time to start a new chapter of your life what's done is done you are in control not those fucking pills. 

[DoctorrRock]

Thanks for the responses! Haha I don't need to get new friends. They don't affect my consumption decisions.  

Either way, 2 days now and I have a big job interview tomorrow. Would it be a bad idea to just eat one (rather than snorting 5 or 6 of them) to help from dozing off? I probably won't even feel it, but it might help me stay awake. I am leaning towards not doing it but I don't think it would be a big deal personally.

My bigger immediate concern is a big fat cold sore that decided to pop up just in time for the interview. God damn what bad timing. Clearly stress induced.

[Frank B]

I'd say quitting and taking on a new job is a bad idea. Personally would take a month off if possible to get your head right. May not be a option for you bills don't stop etc I understand believe me. But your in the, "If I only take one for this" state of mind. So u take one for the interview bet you'll need to take one for your first day to impress then you'll need to keep taking each day to stay the course then you'll probably need to take more each day because one isn't doing it. So when would actually stopping be a reality if you take on a new job right now? Just my opinion sounds like for the most part you have this all under control. 

[DoctorrRock]

On 1/3/2017 at 11:30 AM, Frank B said:

I'd say quitting and taking on a new job is a bad idea. Personally would take a month off if possible to get your head right. May not be a option for you bills don't stop etc I understand believe me. But your in the, "If I only take one for this" state of mind. So u take one for the interview bet you'll need to take one for your first day to impress then you'll need to keep taking each day to stay the course then you'll probably need to take more each day because one isn't doing it. So when would actually stopping be a reality if you take on a new job right now? Just my opinion sounds like for the most part you have this all under control. 

I didn't take any for the interview but i took some the night before when studying. Haven't had any since then. 

I didn't take any for my buddy's bday

It's been 7 days. feelin' alright

[DoctorrRock]

So I relapsed back when I wrote this and went the last several months in the same direction. 

I did, however, quit adderall completely 3 weeks ago, and I feel fantastic.  I am proof that it is ALL mindset as I have felt great ever since I quit. It has also been 4 weeks since I have had a cigarette, and 3 weeks since having a soda (my most persistent addiction)...  I have been working out and eating healthy, but most importantly, I have been setting goals for myself.

3 weeks may not sound like a long time, but it is the longest I have gone without snorting adderall in 7 years... by 2 weeks... and I used to keep all my other bad routines the same while not on it. I never gave quitting a serious try, but I can tell you right now I'll never have it again. I feel better than ever and have changed my life around.

The KEY to quitting something or changing habits is to know exactly who you intend to become. If you still identify as the same person, you will be fixated on those habits... If you identify WHO YOU WANT TO BECOME, you can identify AS THAT PERSON and that is how goals are met.

I have been watching a lot of Tony Robbins videos recently that really helped. There are too many to list, but the point is you can control your emotions at any point in time. I hit a real light switch one day and suddenly everything became more clear. I will post here in a few months from now, and in a year from now, and I will still be adderall free and happier than ever; I promise.

 

 

[DoctorrRock]

I have more energy than ever and it's all natural. It's been almost 10 years since I felt this good.

[stealthology]

Love your energy and attitude. I'm ~3 months clean from 11 years of use and 3-4 years of pretty bad abuse. Life is so much more enjoyable.

Just kicked Klonopin completely 2 weeks ago as well. Titrated down from 1.5mg. I'm med free. Even though my circumstances in life currently aren't the best in a financial sense (Addy-fueled overconfidence in the stock market), I feel great.

[Frank B]

3 weeks is good but again you act like it's just attitide of a mindset. I beleive physical and mental damage is done from using it takes a lot of time to heal. The problem is the first year plus have a lot of peaks and valleys if your set everything will be great and it's not you may relapse again. Not a big fan of Tony he is very smart and knows how to make a ton of money I'll give him that. He basically has hundreds of people brainwashed that work for free it's almost a cult ,religion etc of Tony Robbins. If his videos give inspiration use it just don't pay $20,000 to attend his live seminars. Anyways congrats look forward to seeing your post in a few months again. 

[DoctorrRock]

20 hours ago, Frank B said:

3 weeks is good but again you act like it's just attitide of a mindset. I beleive physical and mental damage is done from using it takes a lot of time to heal. The problem is the first year plus have a lot of peaks and valleys if your set everything will be great and it's not you may relapse again. Not a big fan of Tony he is very smart and knows how to make a ton of money I'll give him that. He basically has hundreds of people brainwashed that work for free it's almost a cult ,religion etc of Tony Robbins. If his videos give inspiration use it just don't pay $20,000 to attend his live seminars. Anyways congrats look forward to seeing your post in a few months again. 

You seem to have the wrong impression of Tony Robbins. By no means is there any brainwashing going on.... It's the same principles in any "get off your ass and make your dreams happen" guide... Read any business book ever and it will tell you that you need to set goals for yourself and you need to be able to manage yourself before you can manage others.... read any book on neurolinguistic programming and it will tell you that you can change your state of mind like the snap of a finger.

The fact you even bring up the possibility of relapse (or what could go wrong) shows me you don't quite understand the confidence I feel... I can understand how I would relapse if I was always focusing on what could go wrong, but I have not thought about doing adderall at all, I have a half full bottle of it sitting 5 feet from me that I haven't touched. I'm done.  I can talk about it openly and have no fear that I will relapse. Again, I'll post again in a few months and confirm I'm still good... I literally just rocked an interview to work as a programmer for the innovation center at the best university in the country (I can send you a picture of the email if you want proof)... I am about to go to the gym, and I feel better than ever...

I want to let the people who think they are a prisoner to adderall that they can completely overcome it almost immediately. Physical and mental damage my a**... I am in better shape already, am sleeping well, and mentally feel a clarity I haven't felt in a long time. 

It's not easy to DECIDE you are done, but once you do, and know it's not a part of you anymore, it can become easy... at least for me. Again I know it's only been a few weeks but so far so good, time has been flying.

[hyper_critical]

Let them know that after you've been off it for a year or two. 

I know Tony Robbins's work well. I still use some of it. Same with Psycho Cybernetics, which is arguably the original and still the best visualization/feeling-state handbook. Big fan. But I think he's dead wrong on addiction.

I'm glad you're feeling so good early on. I hope it sticks. But no big deal if it doesn't. Your priority should be staying clean regardless of how you feel. Who cares about making big predictions for the future? What's the big need to evangelize to people that they can recover immediately, which flies in the face of all scientific evidence, my experience, and the experience of dozens I know on here and in real life?

I mean, I'm wired to do that as well, as are many of us with ADD. I've found it much more effective to set goals, a vision, and to break them down and live to the best of my ability one day at a time. And for what it's worth, this is coming from someone who has a lot to show for his four and a half years clean.

Stay humble so you don't have to get humbled.

Stay close to these forums and we'll be here when you need support. In the mean time, make hay when the sun shines! Enjoy your new life clean, and please keep sharing about it. All the best with your new position.

Also, throw that bottle of Adderall out. It's unoriginal. Many on the forums here have kept some around early on with some BS rationalization. Whether it becomes a problem or not down the road is irrelevant. It's low hanging fruit.

 

 

[Frank B]

Last time you thought it would be easy and you seem to feel your above the struggles. Seems your using this site more as a place to brag vs support. No matter what I think I don't wish anyone to be a slave of this pill so hope your method works for you this time. But why the fuck do u have a bottle sitting by you if your done? Is it to prove how much you beat this addiction or something way in the back of your brain says don't throw it away just encase? I mean if someone quit cocaine or heroin think it would be smart to keep a stash around to say, "Look at me I can say no everyday while it's sitting in my drawer aren't I the shit!" 

My thing with Tony is he takes advantage of people seeking help. It's a buisness and thats fine but think people who pay for those over the top ridiculously expensive seminars are suckers. I watched some of his videos when I first quit also seemed to give me inspiration. But something about the people he called out in the crowd etc just did not feel genuine and just did a little more research on him that's all. 

[bluemoon]

Wow. 3 weeks is pretty early to be so boastful and bragging that you have this beat. Recovery is a long road of ups and downs and to portray it as anything other than that is offensive to those who have worked so hard to stay clean for months or years. And why isn't that bottle of pills down the toilet or in the trash if you're so confident you have this beat?? Anyway, I do wish you the best, but you may want to change the tone of your posts as they come across as pretty obnoxious. Just my opinion.

[stealthology]

While I agree that 3 weeks clean is rather early on, every one of us is unique and won't require 1+ years to feel 'normal' again. Many factors at play here- including your state of mind.

Personally I'm 3 months clean and still have 20 pills sitting in my desk. I haven't once thought about taking it, because I know I'm done. Why would I want to go backwards and feel like shit? I'm fine with them sitting there.

Regarding Tony Robbins- he positively affects quite a bit of people for no charge. Check out his new Netflix documentary (https://www.netflix.com/title/80102204). It was an enjoyable watch which I got at least a bit out of.

 

[Frank B]

On 7/17/2017 at 9:38 AM, stealthology said:

While I agree that 3 weeks clean is rather early on, every one of us is unique and won't require 1+ years to feel 'normal' again. Many factors at play here- including your state of mind.

Personally I'm 3 months clean and still have 20 pills sitting in my desk. I haven't once thought about taking it, because I know I'm done. Why would I want to go backwards and feel like shit? I'm fine with them sitting there.

Regarding Tony Robbins- he positively affects quite a bit of people for no charge. Check out his new Netflix documentary (https://www.netflix.com/title/80102204). It was an enjoyable watch which I got at least a bit out of.

I saw it yeah guys a great motivator also a freaking giant that cuses at people lol. 

Go ahead keep that security blanket of pills around and tell me how headstrong you are and never going back. If your going to talk the talk then walk the walk toss those in the toilet you don't need them ever again why you holding?  

[DoctorrRock]

On 7/16/2017 at 2:38 PM, Frank B said:

Last time you thought it would be easy and you seem to feel your above the struggles. Seems your using this site more as a place to brag vs support. No matter what I think I don't wish anyone to be a slave of this pill so hope your method works for you this time. But why the fuck do u have a bottle sitting by you if your done? Is it to prove how much you beat this addiction or something way in the back of your brain says don't throw it away just encase? I mean if someone quit cocaine or heroin think it would be smart to keep a stash around to say, "Look at me I can say no everyday while it's sitting in my drawer aren't I the shit!" 

My thing with Tony is he takes advantage of people seeking help. It's a buisness and thats fine but think people who pay for those over the top ridiculously expensive seminars are suckers. I watched some of his videos when I first quit also seemed to give me inspiration. But something about the people he called out in the crowd etc just did not feel genuine and just did a little more research on him that's all. 

 

1. No, last time I was still smoking cigarettes, eating unhealthy, not working out, and was taking zero action to change anything in my life. I was always tired when not on adderall. This is not the case right now. I am not bragging, I am just responding to your negative thinking.

2. I don't "keep a bottle sitting near me", it just happens to be sitting right in the other room in a drawer and I am not thinking about it. I'm not concerned with relapse, brother, but I don't feel the need to flush anything. I have friends who would probably want them for studying or something. If you are going to lecture me on that, spare yourself the wasted time.

3. You can't tell me you have done "more research" on Tony Robbins. What a ridiculous thing to say when you clearly have no idea what he does. His stuff is FREE right on youtube and I have not given him a dime... most people don't give him a dime and do the same.

I'm not saying "look at me"... you are just being negative.

I am 100% on the same page as Stealthology... I am only feeling better and better and thinking less and less about adderall... ZERO part of me wants to go back because I felt like shit all the time when I was using. If that offends you, then that is your problem.

[DoctorrRock]

It'll be a month this Thursday, but apparently I'm not allowed to talk about it yet according to some of you. It may be a little premature to be trying to help others on here. I'll come back sometime in the future and make a new thread about it. Feel free to ignore me if you don't want to hear the way I see it.

I don't see this as "recovery" at all anymore... even telling yourself that you are recovering makes you feel like it's still a part of you. You should be telling yourself "The recovery portion is already GONE and I am an adderall-free person". It's ALL mental after a few days of being tired. Feeling good or bad has nothing to do with the recovery process. You are what you focus on. If you are always thinking of your lack of energy, you will always have a lack of energy. If you are constantly telling yourself your energy is better than ever, and you catch yourself every time you think negatively, and you do this for weeks, it will become part of your unconscious mind. It's scientifically proven and it's a major focus in psychology.

[Frank B]

7 hours ago, DoctorrRock said:

 

1. No, last time I was still smoking cigarettes, eating unhealthy, not working out, and was taking zero action to change anything in my life. I was always tired when not on adderall. This is not the case right now. I am not bragging, I am just responding to your negative thinking.

2. I don't "keep a bottle sitting near me", it just happens to be sitting right in the other room in a drawer and I am not thinking about it. I'm not concerned with relapse, brother, but I don't feel the need to flush anything. I have friends who would probably want them for studying or something. If you are going to lecture me on that, spare yourself the wasted time.

3. You can't tell me you have done "more research" on Tony Robbins. What a ridiculous thing to say when you clearly have no idea what he does. His stuff is FREE right on youtube and I have not given him a dime... most people don't give him a dime and do the same.

I'm not saying "look at me"... you are just being negative.

I am 100% on the same page as Stealthology... I am only feeling better and better and thinking less and less about adderall... ZERO part of me wants to go back because I felt like shit all the time when I was using. If that offends you, then that is your problem. 

 

 

Providing (selling or giving) controlled prescription drugs to another person can be charged as a felony. Your making excuses to keep them around. I know you have all the answers but I challenge you to throw them out. But I'm just a year in a half clean wtf do I know. 

[NotToday]

I have to agree with Frank on this. It's great that you are doing so well, but to think you won't have weak days is foolish. I would recommend tossing them as well. 

[stealthology]

I don't think he said he expects to have no bad days. 

FWIW: One of the reasons why I reasoned with myself to stay on Addy for as long as I did (11 years) was coming on here every couple of years or so and reading all the horror stories and people struggling. It is what it is. I also took extreme action from a health perspective when I quit 3 months ago by adopting the ketogenic diet (<50g of carbs per day, lots of healthy fat and moderate protein). Personally I took out grains, [modern] dairy, basically all sugar and processed carbs. I'm eating like our ancestors ate for 99% of human existence and feel incredible.

[Lizzie]

I was encouraged by this story. I come here to read about people changing for the better after quitting. Do yourself a favor and get rid of the pills asap. It's a big step in the process. 

[Cheeri0]

Hey -- DoctorRock, no one is trying to undermine your progress. The reason we're all here is our mutual goal of nixing adderall, and you've reached that goal! That's great! We support you in that. It's not an easy thing to do. I think your story is really amazing and I'm so happy that you've found peace and personal progress out of the darkness you discussed in your posts. By virtue of you being here, we hope you support us in our abstinence also, regardless of how we achieved it.

We all do it in different ways. The truth is, there's no "one way" to get off of drugs. You talk about psychology a lot, so you should know that this is 101. Differing neurochemistry means that different approaches work for different people. This is the foundation for all medical diagnosis guidelines, cognitive behavioral therapy, research endeavors, ect.  We convene here to discuss our struggles.

So this hyper-evangelical "all you have to do is train your mind!"/Tony Robins bit can come across as a little condescending for those of us who followed different paths or are experiencing hardship. No one's saying not to do what works for you, it's great that you're feeling so well! There's a lot of validity in what you're saying and your approach to addressing addiction psychologically is very wise. I think your mistake, though, is thinking that *everyone* would benefit from the same thoughts if only they invested enough effort.

I got to 11 months clean with NA. Tony Robbins didn't work for me. No offense, but I think he's a pop psychologist at best, cultist at worst. I don't doubt that he's helped some people, but tbh his videos make me cringe and think "how in the hell does anyone buy this bs". I prefer sitting in a room with people with shared experiences and talking about what's bothering us. I get that for some people, my method seems totally depressing/redundant. For a lot of people, NA is complete BS for those who need religion/a boogyman to solve all their problems. But it's what works for me. If Tony works for you, you shouldn't feel the need to defend him to everyone. Just accept that he's your cup of tea but not everyone's. It's what I do with NA and what stealth does with his keto diet. The point is, find whatever floats your boat. It sounds like you have. Congrats!

I think we're just hoping that everyone on this board will be respectful of everyone else's journey. We're not stupid just because we didn't do it the way you did, and you're not stupid for following your path. As long as we're all clean, we're equal. Congrats again, hope this clears a few things up for you.