Losing Touch with Reality....Again

[AmphetimineAnnie]

Hi! I am new to the forum and am not ready to create 'My Story'. But I will soon. The condensed version is that I went to a psychiatrist in 2014 and because I am a master manipulator was able to obtain an ADHD diagnosis and a prescription for 3 x 30mg per day Adderall. So 90mg right out of the gate. The reason I wanted it? I watched a friend completely transform her life and her body with those oh so tasty orange footballs. She accomplished everything and more and lost thirty pounds. And, she gave 100% of the credit to her new best friend, Addie.

I fell in love instantly with the drug about an hour after my first pill. I liken it to the first hit of crack I smoked. I thought I found heaven. Until I was pulled into Hell. Quickly.

Addie was different, or so I thought. I did not have to roam the streets and put myself into extreme danger to get high. I was losing weight, I was working like a superhuman. My apartment has never been cleaner, down to the tile caulking (each tile, thank you very much!) in the entire bathroom.

I, also, lost weight very fast. Though I knew I looked tired, I played off the whole 'heroine addicted model' role and loved every minute of it. 

From 2014 through today my dosage is approximately 90mg up to 120mg when I have pills. I come down using Xanax. I talk to myself, I do not go out of the house when I am high, I still do a ton of 'work' but it mainly consists of the equivalent of herding cats all day. My Master's degree program is going great because I can sit for hours and hours and study (I have a tendency to read out loud to myself at this point).

I am pissed because it seems my body has adapted to knowing the substance is going to cause what it thinks to be starvation, so my body compensates for it. No more rapid weight loss...suck.

Fast forward to 2017. I am losing touch with reality. I run out of pills very early in the month, and absolutely dread the crash that is going to take place, but now I look forward to it. If I can brace myself for a hard, painful landing, I can laugh again. I can watch my Sundance Doc Channel and enjoy lounging on the couch, remaining in one spot long enough to relax and take in the show from beginning to end. I sleep so well. I dream. (I never dream on Addie and only get four to six hours sleep max when I do my Addie Run).

I want to break free of this cycle, but then again, I don't want to. I mean, I get three months worth of work done in the 15 days I have the pills, then rest for 15, then the cycle starts all over again with the next bottle.

The party's over I am afraid....

 

 

[Adderolling Downhill]

I feel like this is also me except I never ended up getting a prescription...wish I had a lot of times though. Good luck to you. We can both end the cycle

[HairsprayQueen]

This is me, almost identically. I finished a master's program recently and I'm stuck in the same cycle. I'm just now realized how out of control it is. I can't just quit, my career doesn't allow for that kind of crash. As I get down to the final 3.5 pills I come back to this site...so predictable.  I'm afraid. 

[iwish]

I am in a similar situation. I have been on adderall since I was 14 (now 26) and I have started abusing in the last 3 years (taking 90-120 fairly regularly). I have only recently begun to consider quitting but one of the things that keeps me going is the realization that it takes a lot to be fired from a job. I am terrified of my career going down hill and me losing my job because I am not performing in the same way as I was on adderall...but the reality is that most places aren't going to be able to fire you for being less productive than you were when you were hired. I don't know if that helps, but it is what I think about when I get scared for my future without adderall. I am currently working on doing weekends without adderall but soon I am going to face a couple work days without it...i am hoping the support of this site will allow me to continue without the medication. One way or another, I feel like we all have to decide if adderall is going to be with us for the rest of our life or if now is the time that we are finally going to quit. 

[HairsprayQueen]

1 hour ago, iwish said:

I have only recently begun to consider quitting but one of the things that keeps me going is the realization that it takes a lot to be fired from a job. I am terrified of my career going down hill and me losing my job because I am not performing in the same way as I was on adderall...but the reality is that most places aren't going to be able to fire you for being less productive than you were when you were hired.

That's a really good point. I imagine I could even fake some sort of event to give me an excuse for slacking.  I wish we weren't in this situation, but it's really helpful to know I'm not alone.  It's encouraging to know that I'm not the only one who takes stupid amounts and cant, under any circumstances, completely fall apart.  Maybe if we keep in contact, even if just to complain, we'll have better luck.