Could it be OCD?

[Cheeri0]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted my story yet, but I definitely plan to at some point. This forum has been so helpful to me since I decided to stop using Adderall, thank you all for contributing! Quick summary of my using history before I ask my question: I started on 40 mgs (xr) at 17 when I was 120 lbs, and have a similar story to most of you. At first adderall was a miracle that solved all my problems, and then it started creating all of my problems. I began abusing my script 2 years later when I was a freshman at an elite university. The abuse got worse and worse, and eventually I was taking up to 120 mgs a day, then being useless for two weeks when my pills ran out. I was so anxious that I never went to class and had to drop out of college. Now I'm 24, almost six months clean, and back at school trying to finish my degree.

I started exhibiting pretty extreme OCD symptoms right around when my adderall abuse began. Color coding my closet for hours, working on one homework assignment for 7 hours writing and re-writing my notes because my handwriting wasn't good enough... that kind of thing. I always just assumed it was the adderall, and that as soon as I got sober I'd be back to my non-obsessive self. However, these past few months I haven't really noticed much change in my obsessive tendencies. I'm still struggling to be productive because of the exorbitant amount of time on trivial things... I feel this compulsion to make them perfect. Especially when it comes to homework assignments, cleaning my apartment, etc. It's definitely frustrating. I'm trying to be patient with myself but I'm still worried I'm not going to be ready for school because of it. Balancing it all just seems so overwhelming because I won't be able to do everything perfectly. I know that's unrealisitic, but I can't seem to shake these destructive habits.

Has anyone else still experienced these symptoms around the 6 month mark? Could it be that I actually just have some pre-existing OCD tendencies that were exacerbated by the Adderall? Or after 7 years on it have I just forgotten how to approach work from a less particular, adderall-induced mindset? I'm starting to get worried that my brain won't acclimate, and now that I'm back in school it's pretty important that I get a handle on this soon. I'd appreciate any advice! Thanks guys, wishing everyone well in their recoveries  

 

 

[Jennifer0614]

I am having the same problems. And i didn't even consider OCD until i talked to a therapist and was honest about my adderall abuse. I was literally getting mad and frustrated and hung up on the smallest crap. I just thought i was irritable and crazy from coming off adderall. But my therapist said it was very possible that I had OCD before and the adderall made it worse. And Im pretty sure it actually drove me to keep relapsing. I had to let my head and memories clear up but i was finally able to see that I did have OCD, obsessive perfectionism tendencies before I ever tried adderall. Even as a young kid. I believe it all ties in with anxiety which i have had lifelong struggles with. Antidepressants like prozac do help plus I was put on Clomipramine for obsessive thoughts. Its certainly worth talking to a doctor about 

[Sunnie]

Im sorry i just dont believe in the validity of these psychological disorders.. ocd, bipolar, schitzophrenia etc.. i think its all just compulsive irrational thought patterns taking control over rational thought patterns. Which is induced by isolation etc. I hope you arent looking for medication to resolve your problems. Instead i hope for you to allow yourself to strive for excellence rather than perfection. Share your compulsive thoughts here, journal, and seek therapy. Much love & best of luck. Please update if you feel like it! 

[Cheeri0]

Thanks for the replies! It's been a few months since I wrote this post and things have improved. I think it's just all about patience and persistence. No judgement to anyone who looks to medication for some help, but that's definitely not the road for me. I've been on pretty much every stimulant/antidepressant on the books and have found all of them to be more disruptive (to my soul, if not body) than helpful, though I know this isn't everyone's experience.

I tend to agree with you Sunnie about the validity of psychological disorders. I think it's more about learning to live life with your natural brain chemistry than accepting that yours is "wrong." Although medicines can help in this learning process if used short term. Whatever everyone's most comfortable with for their own bodies is right for them, and I've just learned that medication is not an option for me if I'm seeking long-term happiness. Getting off of adderall is like being an infant in so many ways... 8 months in and my learning curve is still steep as hell.

It brings me a lot of comfort knowing I'm not alone, though, Jennifer. I'd love an update on how you're doing a few months from now, look out for a direct message from me at some point!