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About Sunnie

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  1. Thank you adderall

    Oh those little pills I used to find interesting ways to ingested in order to reach my blood stream quicker, can you believe its been a year since we were last together? So many fast and reckless days spent together. You made me feel smart, so special and loved. But you took a toll on my body. My mind. My soul. Its been a while since we've talked. The memory of you is becoming a dull ache in the back of my conscience. I guess I'm really writing to say that I dont hate you. In fact, I love you. But in a whole new way. You see, I used to think that feeling 20 min or less after poppin a pill, i thought that was what love felt like. I thought that was the most long lasting obtainable feeling of love that existed. But love doesnt leave you feeling anxious and afraid. Thanks for introducing me to humility. I used to think she was boring but we've become really good friends. You see, now I think of our time together as an invaluable experience completely necessary for my evolution to a more decent human being. Youve changed the way i experience life, the way i want to spend my time, who I hang out with, the books i read, and what touches my heart. Thanks for the pain and suffering. I now know that i carry an even greater strength within me. Because of you, my heart isnt so heavy and I have a lightness in my body, a joy, that i never knew before. Please know that I'll keep our experience together in my heart, always. Its Okay. I love you.
  2. 9 months clean

    Fuck yeah. What a freaking trip this year has been so far. Getting to know myself, owning my story, welcoming my pain and meeting my grief. 2017 has been the slowest yet most transformative year. In some ways i can compare it to waking up feeling all slow and groggy, trying to piece myself together and trying to sort out what-the-hell-just-happened, after a long hard sleep. Its been a rollercoaster of getting reaquainted with myself and normal human emotions, feeling giddy and excited greeting my quirks and the hidden parts of myself like an old nearly forgotten friend and thanking them for finally showing up to the party. From the outside and to the rest of the world my achievements this year may not look so noble. I sure as hell know its not the kind of accomplishments i once hoped for myself at my age. But it feels like the bravest thing i've ever done. I guess what i really want to say to anyone whos reading this and mustering up the courage to quit and reclaim their lives from addiction is as following. Theres no quick fix. Youve gotta face the storm head on. Learn to fully accept and forgive yourself and you'll be free ( this parts an ongoing practice, probably to be continued for the rest of my life). Dont be afraid to ask for help. And if you are afraid, its ok, just do it anyways. Dont listen to the negative stories youre telling yourself. The only truth that is really relevant is that you are unique, valuable, worthy and absolutely beautiful. Much love.
  3. Where is everyone from?

    Oslo Norway but Ive lived in Tulsa OK most of my life. Lawrence KS, and Houston TX. Geographic escapeism, if you hadnt already caught the drift....
  4. 4 months plus some

    Four months without adderall my life has been turned right side up, these last four months have been the longest of my life, or so it feels like. I've had to relearn everything i once thought i knew. I wish i had made a timeline of the epiphanies ive had along this process. When i came into treatment i remember having faith that i could be restored, that my life could get better that i eventually would feel better and i imagined what that would be like. So far its been nothing like i had imagined, and thankfully so because its much better. Quitting adderall was a painful process but it was less painful than the hell i was living in so it really was the easier of the two options i was faced with. I just wanted to check in and say hey, I used to check in here daily but ive been visiting less and less frequently as work, AA and NA have been filling in my life. I really really recommend NA or AA for anyone struggeling with quitting and stuck in that cycle of promising yourself youll taper off or never take it again and end up in the very same dark place over and over again. Some think NA/AA is brain washing but honestly people i was so neurotic and paranoid my brain could use a little washing. This website saved my life when i was afraid of leaving my apartment and afraid of being honest to anyone around me. REMEMBER: Not only are you good enough without adderall, you are more than good enough!! You deserve the life of your dreams You are not alone, you can recieve help as long as you ask for it and youre willing. Much LOVE:)
  5. The best medicine

    I recently posted about applying for a job working with mentally handicapped people. Well I got the job and starting working wednesday. Currently on my way to work my 3rd shift and i just felt like I needed to share a little something about my experience there so far. Ive been working with a woman who is diagnosed severe mental handicapped, low functioning autism, and ADHD. This woman is 56 years old, has lived in an institution her entire life, and spends her days rocking back and fourth humming the same melody on repeat. She needs help with everything in her life. Anyways im about to get off the bus, i just wanted to share that this experience has left me baffeled as to why i have spent so much time feeling sorry for myself.
  6. So Annoyed

    Youre not crazy, they crazy. The ego maniac doctors partially responsible for your current life situation by prescribing you amphetamines are crazy. Props for doing your research and taking responsibility before going along with anything.
  7. Could it be OCD?

    Im sorry i just dont believe in the validity of these psychological disorders.. ocd, bipolar, schitzophrenia etc.. i think its all just compulsive irrational thought patterns taking control over rational thought patterns. Which is induced by isolation etc. I hope you arent looking for medication to resolve your problems. Instead i hope for you to allow yourself to strive for excellence rather than perfection. Share your compulsive thoughts here, journal, and seek therapy. Much love & best of luck. Please update if you feel like it!
  8. i need to know whats normal

    Sounds too familiar to my story also. Ive had manic episodes where ive completely lost my shit but they can all related to circumstances that i believe are chemically enduced by either anti-depressants, weed, alcohol, adderall or a combo of these. About three months ago when i was at my worst of adderall i had was sleep deprived and experienced psychosis. I saw a psychologist and then a psychiatrist and i they believed i was bipolar or schitzophrenic. I decided to get clean and healthy try therapy and if that didnt work western medicine will be my last resort. That Inclination that i had is really what i believe to be my higher power. Its the presence of Something within telling me that this needed to stop. Ive never been religious or anything but gaining spirituality has relieved a burdon from my shoulders like no other. I know now that i really am not in control of every aspect of my life and i dont need to be either. All i need to pay attention to is what i actually can control and what i cant, standing up for what i feel is right, and setting healthy boundaries. My higher power is that energy that flows within me and listening to gut feelings. I wasnt listening to my gut when I made decisions that landed me in a pretty shitty life situation. I was making decisions based on fear, seeking approval and power and building my ego.
  9. i need to know whats normal

    I know what you mean i was in med school when i decided to quit and i also thought that powering thru on my own would make me stronger. But it was too hard seeing as studying was my trigger. I took off this semester and im in an out patient clinic twice a week and then NA meetings on top of that. Support is key. Reaching out to people on this forum was my first step on my road to recovery. Congrats for getting serious about quitting, if i can so can you.
  10. i need to know whats normal

    Youre a normal addict. All of these thoughts are completely normal and ive been there with the exact same symptoms and concerns. Youre not a piece of shit. Youre right, no adderall high-fake feeling of cracked out euphoria is worth sacrificing your true self for. My best advice is to go to an NA meeting, get a sponsor, get to know yourself and deal with the shit in your life that you know you need to deal with. Its inevitavble. Its fucking hard but continuing the spiral of addiction is x1000 more painful.
  11. Go us:) yeah i think thats my issue too--clenching my jaw. My facial muscles always ache and im so faaacking tired of it just wanna be able to chill like a normal human being. I keep checking in almost daily too its a good reminder that i'm not alone in this struggle.
  12. Inspirational Music

    i listened to this song today and felt like it exemplified my battle with addiction, from eating disorders, depression, compulsive thoughts, distructive relationships every outlet ive looked for a solition but only found pain. Its been a battle between myself and i, my addictive personality and the voice that wants me well. "our human hearts forget how strong they are, and they get lost along the way, hey its not giving up, its letting go and moving to a better place." Letting go of trying to controll everything and accepting myself for who i am and where I am and trusting that life will take me where I need to be. Im done playing god trying to control every aspect of my life from the outward appearnce of success to how i feel.
  13. Strange habits after quitting? Nail biting

    I dont think its strange that you stopped biting your nails while on adderall at all. I started taking adderall to mask my emotions after a break up and although I supressed those emotions then and there and distracted my mind with other things i still have to work on getting over the grief of that relationship now two years later. Maybe your nail biting is a nervous habit and you should investigate what lies beyond it? Why do you feel nervous and compelled to bite your nails?
  14. Night and day tendencies

    Im at about two and a half months and just in the last week or so i feel like my depression has lifted and life is easier and lighter. I also contribute this to working the 12 step program and truely grasping the concept of turning it over to my higher power. Ive also been submerging myself in everything recovery: books, podcasts, etc
  15. The good days

    Ey beautiful people. I just wanted to share a little miracle with you all. 10 weeks sober, had a lot of shitty days, shared some stuff about that and my anxiety etc so i wanted to share about something on the other end of the spectrum. Today i had a group interview for a job working at an assisted living center for disabled people and i felt like it went really well! I had almost no anxiety, i was able to relax, show my personality and be very open and honest. The interviewers responded really well so i have a good feeling about it, so ill be keeping my fingers crossed. Ive been so anxious about my recovery. Ive had a lot of doubts about whether Id ever feel like my old self again. Well today I saw her and gained some hope for future potential. #thankful