Desperately hoping someone can relate...

[Faith1982]

Hi,

Since my initial post I pretty much hit rock bottom. I called in sick to work four times and truly felt like I was nearing my breaking point. I had a friends bachelorette party this last weekend out of town and knew it was going to be challenging for me as I would be surrounded by many girlfriends who take adderall and for those who don't regularly, they would be this past weekend. It took everything in me to not ask them for some. However, in what I felt like was a test from the heavens above I made it until the final night there when we were getting ready and I ran to the restroom and a bottle of it was staring at me in the face when I went to the restroom. I decided I would put one pill in my purse just in case. I ended up taking it and felt like the biggest failure after I had been off it for almost two weeks. I got back on Sunday and broke down to my husband -- I am severely depressed and my job is stressing me out to the nines. He was in complete shock and had no idea I was feeling so incredibly low, as I thought I had been getting better.  I think he was still processing and told me last night there's no way you can quit your job -- we have a mortgage, car payments, etc. He's very black and white about things and I don't think he realized how deep this pain was/is. Long story short he gave me a pep talk this morning and tips on how to get through the workday and I was feeling like I could do it if I can just get through my workday doing the bare minimum until I can find a new job. That was short-lived. When I got to my desk at work and saw all of the emails from my boss and all the deadlines I had missed/upcoming projects there was no way I would be able to manage, I broke down crying. I didn't even know where to begin and felt completely hopeless. I ended up talking to our HR EAP (employee assistance program). I spoke with them about my options, they offer 8 free counseling sessions and recommended I go and see my psychiatrist  about getting a possible leave of absence. She doesn't know I quit cold turkey. My dad called my husband and spoke to him about everything and he's completely onboard and supportive. I feel like I am taking all the necessary steps to get well but I am so disappointed in myself for not being able to do my job. Has anyone else felt this way? Of course, I'm going to immediately look for something new but I just feel so embarrassed/sad/disappointed that I couldn't make this job work. I also feel like how the hell could I feel like this when there are people who are unemployed, don't have a job, a great husband and I am just throwing the good stuff in my life away. However, I know I couldn't go on like this. Looking for any inspiration, someone who can relate to my story or advice on when they starting feeling like things were turning around. I guess I'm also looking for validation that I am doing the right thing and not effing things up in my career. Thank you all in advance. 

[Subtracterall]

Hi Faith.  I've been having the exact same frustrations at work since being off addy and I want to commend you for taking control of your recovery and reaching out for help.  I wish I had done that but I didn't and I actually messed something up at work when I was first coming off addy and I have yet to fix it but I will ASAP. no one has noticed so far thank goodness.

What you did took a lot of courage and I really think it was the right thing to do.please keep us posted on how you are coming along!

I have been noticing some improvement in my performance at work and my brain functioning in general these past two days and coincidentally I started taking ginkgo and fish oil late last week. I have to wonder if it is helping my brain function at work. 

When I first quit I napped in my car over my lunch break every day.  I work in IT so our jobs are somewhat similar in that we both have to sit and concentrate for long periods.. I have been thinking of a career change but like you I have a mortgage and bills etc. 

sorry to ramble.  On a side note I am feeling really good physically and hope you are too!  It feels good to be off that junk!

[hyper_critical]

Faith - Rehab is an option if you can't get through the first month or two on your own. Friend of mine who works as a civilian for the Navy consulted EAP, found a rehab covered by his insurance, and is doing much better after getting 30 days away. His boss, although surprised at the nature and extent of his problem, had known something was up for some time.

He's been off Adderall a few months now and his whole team (they don't all know what happened, but obviously noticed he was away), is thrilled he's back, looks healthy, and is once again a reliable employee.