Adderall has left me for dead

[Ace21]

Help, I desperately need help. I am the last person to look online for help, however, my life depends on me overcoming this. After 4 years I have reached the end. Adderall has strained relationships, and ripped me of my personality, looks, and drive. Four years of abuse is starting to take its toll. My once tan Italian skin is now pale, blotchy, and dry. Purple/yellowish sags now appear under my eyes. My thick head of healthy hair has been destroyed so badly that strands fall out in the shower. I constantly worry about the damage Adderall has done internally that I do not yet know about. I am scared shitless, yet, I continue to use and heavily abuse. The last four years have been hell. Im hoping someone, anyone reading my story can relate and offer me some advice on how to overcome this. 

Currently I am 22. I started taking 10mg ir Adderall my junior year of high school. My straight A's had dropped to B's and C's. Somehow during a doctors appt. it came up that I was having a difficult time focusing. AND BOOM. At 17 I was prescribed legal speed. My first Adderall was insane. Focus would be an understatement. It made me love everything about school, for the first time i was pumped to learn math. I HATE math. However, I quickly grew to dislike the side effects. In high school I had a lot going for me. Looks, social life, sports, I was blessed to have it all. At that times, giving up those things for an Adderall was not worth it, therefore i quickly stopped taking it. 

Senior year of hs I partied Friday and Saturday every damn weekend. All the girls were chasing me. All the guys wanted to hang with me. In my mind I was the shit and that life would never end. It did, quickly. All my friends were soon gone and away at their colleges. I had put no thought into my future and applied to 0, yes 0 colleges. My only option was community college, I was ok with that. I would work hard and transfer out after 1 year. I also started taking Adderall again. 

Right off the bat i was prescribed 10mg ir 4x a day. I ended my first semester of community college with straight A's. Academically, things were looking up. However, by this time I was using Adderall for more than just school. I found out Adderall is awesome with video games. Boring tasks like cleaning were now fun. I could do it all. After my first semester I applied and got accepted to my dream school, UMD. Go Academically! Ahh the magic of Adderall, or so I thought. 

My second semester at community college is where things really got out of control. I was cracked out on addy all the time. Sure, I was killing it in school but had no social life. Adderall became my joy. Everything was better with it, and so I took it a lot. Soon I was finishing My script of 120 10mg ir pills in 7 days. I literally would not sleep for days. Weeks when i was out would consist of a lot of weed and food. I ended up failing 2/4 of my spring classes. I was already in UMD at this point so to me it didn't matter. I failed to realize my Adderall use was out of control. I was not ready for UMD abusing it the way i was and still am. Yet after summer I went to Maryland.

I was at my dream college. Adderall addict and all. My parents put me in the nicest apartment building and were paying 25k for just once semester. I blew ever penny. Total I went to maybe 10 classes. At this point I was finishing my script in 5 days. My Adderall days consisted of cleaning and organizing my computer folders. When i ran out, I slept. My life fully revolved around Adderall. Nothing else mattered. 

I stayed at UMD for most of the semester. When my parents found out I was not going to class they forced me to withdraw. That was almost 3 years ago. I am still back home, addicted to the misery Adderall brings. I have tried, and failed four times to complete a single semester at community college. Im a loser. I hate what I have become. A strung out addict. It truly hurts to see myself in the mirror. I look worn down, a shell of myself thats disconnected from the world. Adderall has taken almost everything from me, yet, I still heavily abuse it. My mind is too foggy without it. My drive is non existent without that little pill. It is a dark place to be in but I need to make a change. If I do not quit soon, I am scared it will take my life. I am not even sure how to begin this journey or how long it will take but i am ready

 

 

[Subtracterall]

Is there anyone in your life who loves you unconditionally who you feel you can trust with this secret?  Have you considered asking that person for help?  You sound like you have people who love you and would do anything for you. It's okay to ask for help. I wish I had asked my mom for help years and years ago. She would have paid for rehab but I was too ashamed. Now I'm dealing with long term health consequences and I would not want that for anyone. 

[Faith1982]

You're not alone and have a great group of support here. I agree with Subtracterall -- find someone you can confide in. I got to the breaking point where I knew I couldn't do it alone and as embarrassing as it was at 34 years old to bawl to my father about it -- someone who I never wanted to disappoint and told me he was so proud of me all the time -- I felt like a complete failure but I just let it all go and he literally just held me while I cried and cried and cried. A grown woman who thought she had all her shit together -- HARDLY! That was so incredibly hard to do, but it's the best thing I could have done for me and my health. Is it going to be hard? Yes. Is it going to feel embarrassing? Sure, maybe at first. That's just my personality though - a people pleaser, a perfectionist. In fact, I still shudder at the thought, but I also know I have only one life to live and all of that crap is not going to matter one day. And you won't regret it. In my opinion, you will only regret if you stay where you are at, and it sounds like you are already took the first step (admitting it/realizing that you need a change). That's MAJOR! Now, you just have to take the plunge! You can do it and we're all here for you! Don't ever doubt yourself or second-guess what is best for you. You know in your heart what you need to do, now you just have to follow it! Well wishes to you. As one of my best friends told me and I remind myself every day -- you do YOU. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you -- remember that! Now go get it back!