Finally - Reclaiming my Neural Pathways!

[Geometric11]

Disclaimer: please excuse the typos and shitty grammar - I just really don't give a fuck right now

Hi All -

It has been a month since my last pill.  I've been on and off of this site in the last few years.  my old screen name was Maisy11, but due to paranoia, I began using a different name.  Anyways, here is my story in case anyone finds some useful info.

I began taking Adderall regularly on September 28, 2015.  I used everyday, no breaks.  I noticed the immediate change in my personality and spinning thoughts, but it helped me get shit done.  My social life increased substantially at that time too, and the hangover assistance that adderall provided was nice. As the months passed, my dose increased.  I was paranoid, unhappy, really fucking paranoid and in a relationship with someone that had no idea I was rammed up on speed.  My job performance began nose diving and I was having trouble getting anywhere on time.  my perception of time was insanely off and I spent some weekends on my computer with not one thing to show for the time spent.  I remember spending six hours trying to figure out who was hacking my computer.  I constantly felt like I was being watched and I could not get going in the morning without at least 60 milligrams.  I was taking around 220 milligrams a day towards the end.  I was in and out of that relationship, each time we would get back together, I would think he was hacking into my phone and fucking with my head.  I purchased 3 books about psychopaths, narcissistic personalities in an attempt to pin down why he was making me crazy.  It was the adderall making me crazy.  I incurred a shit ton of debt during the time I was using and was shopping constantly.  I've never been much of a shopper, but I am when I'm  on addy.  A few grand was spent on botox and facial fillers in an attempt to mask the lines and the sagging facial skin that adderall brought.  luckily, that shit went away quickly. I was afraid to quit - all of the horror stories.  I was afraid of losing my job, getting fat, becoming lazy, sleeping forever. Those things are all a matter of perspective - now I know that.  You have to let the bullshit "ideal self" go. 

I'm not 100% confident that I will stay off of adderall, but I do know I am clean today. This is why I'm coming back to this forum, I need legitimate support.

 This is how I tucked a whole month under my belt  

Reiki.  Yes, new age spiritual "mumbo jumbo" - At the end of May, I had just gone through another round of "make-up, break-up" with my boyfriend.  the physical, mental, and emotional pain I felt was too much.  no amount of adderall would help.  I think I popped 300 ml in one day.  I knew I needed to quit, but I needed to screw my head back on first.  I had heard about Reiki before, but never tried it. I never really felt particularly drawn to it in the past, but I suddenly just felt like it was something that would help.  I searched for a practitioner who could see me asap and I did.  Luckily, this Reiki master lived literally down the street from me and I passed her home/clinic several times while on my runs.  She booked me for the next day.  I opted for just a Meet and "Intuitive Reading" instead of reiki.  I wanted to meet the person first and get a feel for what Reiki was about.  She did the reading and we chatted for a bit.  I did not tell her about the addreall yet.  I began seeing her for Reiki the next week.  The first session was amazing and I felt calm and rested afterwards.  I slept really well, but was sick for three days after.  It was a weird sick with some dark emotions.  I began hanging around her house, and going to her new moon/full moon meditations.  I began listening to the teachings she shared from her Chiefs and Reiki masters - I began lowering my dose. I decided to tell her about the medication.  I felt that she should know and would be able to help me more effectively.  She was beyond understanding and did an intuitive reading on me that night.  two of the biggest take aways from the reading were 1) keep meditating and respect my path; and 2) when I quick adderall, it won't be as bad as I'm expecting.  I kept going to reiki; participated in Reiki I initiation (which was amazing) and continued to lower my dose.  I quick for a good 4 days in June, but ran back when I returned to work.  Well, my last attempt to take adderall was met with unusual Resistance from my prescribing doctor.  He suddenly refused to write my script until the first of the month, even though I was due. Instead of fighting it, I let it go. Once the first rolled around, I asked his assistant to shred the prescription and cancel my next appt.  I still have to request that I be put on the "no adderall" list. Maybe I should do that tomorrow. I think Reiki gave me the love and community I needed.  Positive vibes (literally) and attention.  It balanced my natural energy centers, which assisted with my hormones.  This return of "self" gave me the strength to quit cold turkey and still go to work - though I did exhaust my PTO  . 

This has been hard, but I'm happy. I have a lot of bad days, but they are doable. L-Tyrosene also helps, so does binge watching Broad City.  

I hope I can stay clean, and get through so that I can help others get off of that medication.  

[Frank B]

2 hours ago, Geometric11 said:

Disclaimer: please excuse the typos and shitty grammar - I just really don't give a fuck right now

Hi All -

It has been a month since my last pill.  I've been on and off of this site in the last few years.  my old screen name was Maisy11, but due to paranoia, I began using a different name.  Anyways, here is my story in case anyone finds some useful info.

I began taking Adderall regularly on September 28, 2015.  I used everyday, no breaks.  I noticed the immediate change in my personality and spinning thoughts, but it helped me get shit done.  My social life increased substantially at that time too, and the hangover assistance that adderall provided was nice. As the months passed, my dose increased.  I was paranoid, unhappy, really fucking paranoid and in a relationship with someone that had no idea I was rammed up on speed.  My job performance began nose diving and I was having trouble getting anywhere on time.  my perception of time was insanely off and I spent some weekends on my computer with not one thing to show for the time spent.  I remember spending six hours trying to figure out who was hacking my computer.  I constantly felt like I was being watched and I could not get going in the morning without at least 60 milligrams.  I was taking around 220 milligrams a day towards the end.  I was in and out of that relationship, each time we would get back together, I would think he was hacking into my phone and fucking with my head.  I purchased 3 books about psychopaths, narcissistic personalities in an attempt to pin down why he was making me crazy.  It was the adderall making me crazy.  I incurred a shit ton of debt during the time I was using and was shopping constantly.  I've never been much of a shopper, but I am when I'm  on addy.  A few grand was spent on botox and facial fillers in an attempt to mask the lines and the sagging facial skin that adderall brought.  luckily, that shit went away quickly. I was afraid to quit - all of the horror stories.  I was afraid of losing my job, getting fat, becoming lazy, sleeping forever. Those things are all a matter of perspective - now I know that.  You have to let the bullshit "ideal self" go. 

I'm not 100% confident that I will stay off of adderall, but I do know I am clean today. This is why I'm coming back to this forum, I need legitimate support.

 This is how I tucked a whole month under my belt  

Reiki.  Yes, new age spiritual "mumbo jumbo" - At the end of May, I had just gone through another round of "make-up, break-up" with my boyfriend.  the physical, mental, and emotional pain I felt was too much.  no amount of adderall would help.  I think I popped 300 ml in one day.  I knew I needed to quit, but I needed to screw my head back on first.  I had heard about Reiki before, but never tried it. I never really felt particularly drawn to it in the past, but I suddenly just felt like it was something that would help.  I searched for a practitioner who could see me asap and I did.  Luckily, this Reiki master lived literally down the street from me and I passed her home/clinic several times while on my runs.  She booked me for the next day.  I opted for just a Meet and "Intuitive Reading" instead of reiki.  I wanted to meet the person first and get a feel for what Reiki was about.  She did the reading and we chatted for a bit.  I did not tell her about the addreall yet.  I began seeing her for Reiki the next week.  The first session was amazing and I felt calm and rested afterwards.  I slept really well, but was sick for three days after.  It was a weird sick with some dark emotions.  I began hanging around her house, and going to her new moon/full moon meditations.  I began listening to the teachings she shared from her Chiefs and Reiki masters - I began lowering my dose. I decided to tell her about the medication.  I felt that she should know and would be able to help me more effectively.  She was beyond understanding and did an intuitive reading on me that night.  two of the biggest take aways from the reading were 1) keep meditating and respect my path; and 2) when I quick adderall, it won't be as bad as I'm expecting.  I kept going to reiki; participated in Reiki I initiation (which was amazing) and continued to lower my dose.  I quick for a good 4 days in June, but ran back when I returned to work.  Well, my last attempt to take adderall was met with unusual Resistance from my prescribing doctor.  He suddenly refused to write my script until the first of the month, even though I was due. Instead of fighting it, I let it go. Once the first rolled around, I asked his assistant to shred the prescription and cancel my next appt.  I still have to request that I be put on the "no adderall" list. Maybe I should do that tomorrow. I think Reiki gave me the love and community I needed.  Positive vibes (literally) and attention.  It balanced my natural energy centers, which assisted with my hormones.  This return of "self" gave me the strength to quit cold turkey and still go to work - though I did exhaust my PTO  . 

This has been hard, but I'm happy. I have a lot of bad days, but they are doable. L-Tyrosene also helps, so does binge watching Broad City.  

I hope I can stay clean, and get through so that I can help others get off of that medication.  

Never heard of Reiki but sounds like a postive tool that should help for sure! 

Just FYI I'm coming up on my 2nd year clean come this Nov. I tried to quit 2 times before and both times I failed was because I told myself the exact same you are now, "I'm not 100% confident that I will stay off of adderall," Understand saying that your addiction still controls your brain. I know NA says, "Just for today" etc. Well I'm sorry we picked one hell of a drug and it's different in so many ways, we must be stronger because the withdrawal mentally last so much longer vs most other drugs people abuse. Here is the big difference people quit cocaine, heroin, pain pills etc is that life in general after a couple months really improves but us addy abusers it just seems to get harder and harder like asking ourself why are we doing this? But you know why just sometimes it gets frustrating like u hardly want to work take care of house things adderall made us love doing and things in society that say you must do and when we no longer want to do those things at even a non addy pace we get pissed at ourselves. That's when the opportunity for your addiction bust down that door like the Kool-Aid man. You must say this is it, your life on addy is over. In your mind build a damn fortress your addiction can't easily penetrate. Any pills flush them, any unfilled scripts burn them and burn the bridge with your doctor you will never need that stuff again because you are 100% sure you will never do it again! It's a long process but worth it other option is go bat shit crazy and have your heart explode way I looked at it. 

[quit-once]

I agree with Frank's approach when it comes to the mental outlook while quitting adderall.  Treat it like a final divorce, like something or someone you will never have in your life again.  I just couldn't entertain even the slightest possibility that I would go back to that awful addiction.  And, like Frank said, quitting different drugs is different for different people.  While I abhor the thought of ever taking another dose of speed, I view my relationship with nicotine differently.  For some reason, I just can't absolutely say I will never smoke again so I have to take quitting nicotine one day at a time.  I quit both substances about the same time six years ago.  When I look at all the money I have saved by kicking those two daily addictions, it is in the tens of thousands of dollars by now.