Saying Goodbye to My Charisma Candy

[WiredTiredUnhired]

Greetings Everyone,

First, here's a brief introduction. I've been familiar with this site for at least a year by now, but today I'm proud to say I finally decided to open an account!* (I'll be posting my story after I complete and post this entry.) I've wanted to be a regular participant on this site because of the hope you all inspire each time I recognize a piece of myself in your stories. This is something I could never get out of 12-step recovery, despite the last seven years I've spent attending AA meetings pretending to believe in God so as not to draw attention. You know how they love to say an addiction is an addiction all the time, right? Well, when I discovered QuittingAdderall.com and read your stories and insights for the first time, I immediately took comfort in knowing that there was a community of people out there who understood how our addiction to Adderall is unique after all. Not necessarily more or less challenging to overcome than an addiction to alcohol or heroin, for example. Simply a different condition that requires different approaches to combat.

When I used other substances like booze or weed or Xanax and even heroin for a time, the reason was to resign from life. Plain and simple. "I don't want to try anymore," my mind would tell me. "What's the point? Leave me alone." Adderall, on the other hand, has the opposite effect on me. I take it to engage in life. Sober, the world is a woefully dreary place. Everything lacks flavor, color, and texture. I have no perceptible purpose. In fact, I can barely remember what it even felt like to harbor interests and pursue goals before Adderall. It doesn't even seem possible to summon real, organic enthusiasm for anything. I'm also not the natural extrovert I've spent my whole life wanting to be---the kind of person who's effortlessly motivated to meet new people and try new things and spend time in new places. Once Adderall came into my life, however, my inhibitions were at long last lifted. Suddenly I felt overcome with excitement. People were finally noticing me, it seemed. I felt spontaneously compelled to read and write for recreation. I no longer dreaded the company of others.  Since then, I never needed to learn how to socialize or develop interests on my own because I had found the magical elixir that did those things for me. (An honest marketing campaign might read something like "Personality In a Pill.") And yet the world still mistakenly believes Adderall is dangerous exclusively because of its prevalence on college campuses and in academic circles. Yes, it elevates focus. But that's not why I'm addicted. I don't have ADHD. There's nothing medicinal about the way I use it in a clinical sense. I take it because I know of no other way to be the lively, interesting, charismatic person it brings out in me.

In Mike's description of "The Challenge," he says the goal is to wake up feeling like Superman without Adderall, but I worry that ship has sailed for me. Once Adderall is subtracted from my life, I have no clue who I am anymore. Even worse, I lack the motivation and courage to bother figuring out who that person once was to begin with. What if he's just the shy, anxious recluse he's always hated? Why is the undrugged version of me such a bore? Again, my compulsion to use stimulants stems from a desire to actively participate in life, not to submit to its hardships and wait out the clock. I'd go back to drinking and popping Oxy if that were the case. And even though I'm aware that the perceived personality Adderall gives me is largely an illusion, I've yet to find a satisfying alternative. It's all I've got for now. Why can't I simply get out of bed each morning, clean and sober, take a shower, eat breakfast, go to work (I don't have a job),  talk to people without succumbing to a panic attack, work out, come home, go to sleep, and do it all over again? Why isn't that good enough for me? It appears to be good enough for most, right? Did Adderall ruin me? Did it break me for good? Because that's how it feels.

Adderall the Study Medicine? For many, yes. But not as it concerns my addiction. In my case, I rely on it to rewrite the parts of myself that demand correction. Without my Personality Candy, however, I'm lost. The motivation to create and succeed? The bravery it takes to connect with people? The confidence I need to carry a career? How am I simply supposed to learn these skills after roughly a decade operating under its influence?

Please, fellow speed heads, surely you must empathize with my alarm. How did you address your obsession with Adderall? Does it get easier? Are there techniques? Are there groups (specifically in NYC)? Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. You people are my best shot.

Best,

WiredTiredUnhired

[Invictus]

I haven't been using it for very long (couple months), but it progressed so rapidly that I can thoroughly relate to what you wrote.  I'm beginning to cut down now because I have already lost myself.  I developed what I believe to be a small degree of stimulant-psychosis, and I can't fathom the concept of getting through school without Adderall.  I know I need to quit now but at the same time this class I'm in is so intense I feel completely inept and inadequate.  I can't even picture a way of making it through this without popping a ton of Adderall.  It's like I'm battery-powered, and Adderall is the type of battery I use.

From what I've researched, an L-Tyrosine supplement will help get your brain producing dopamine on its own again.  Taking a magnesium glycinate (not magnesium oxide) supplement is supposed to get your brain's receptors back into working order quicker.

I'm a novice to quitting this dirty drug though so that's about all the help I can offer.

[quit-once]

That was an very well-written post and you laid out your case for using adderall very effectively.  At this point in your addiction, it appears that adderall is doing good things in your life.  Not once did I read about an unhealthy side effect, or any lasting damage that this drug has done to your life or your lifestyle.   It appears that your biggest concern is your obsession with the drug and how it has helped you become the social person you want to be.  So, my initial response and observation, is that you are just not ready to quit.   You desire the quit because it is something you think that you should do, but not because it is something you really need to do at this point.    Please tell me if I read it wrong.   

Your screen name: wired, tired and unhired suggests that you may be unhappy with the status quo. 

I'm not saying you need to experience a rock bottom or have bad things happen in your life in order to make the quit stick.  But you have to want or need that Quit worse than most other things in your life.  Especially, more than that social person you become every time you take another pill.  When you do quit, I hope that some of the lessons you have learned from or while on adderall can follow you through your life beyond this drug.

Why do you want to quit adderall?

How will your life be better without it? 

[SleepyStupid]

 

20 hours ago, WiredTiredUnhired said:

Yes, it elevates focus. But that's not why I'm addicted. I don't have ADHD. There's nothing medicinal about the way I use it in a clinical sense. I take it because I know of no other way to be the lively, interesting, charismatic person it brings out in me.

actually, there is something medicinal about it. it sounds like off-label, self-medication for depression which is a very dangerous road. as someone that still struggles with depression, i can tell you that Adderall does not manage depression so much as mask it. as you're keenly aware, it turns you into an entirely different person rather than helping the underlying person.

i'm not clear on the details around your addiction (how long, how much), but there is a very simple question here: how long is this sustainable for? even if you have not suffered any acute health problems yet, can you honestly say that you're okay with taking this for the rest of your life? if the answer to that is "No", then you're in the right place here (:

as @quit-once  said, you don't need to bottom-out in order to make the decision to quit, but this is sometimes what it takes for people to stay quit. 

if you are unemployed currently, NOW is the time to give this some really serious thought and effort. imagine how difficult this becomes once you're reliant on adderall for not only personality but also financial stability.

 

[DopeyMean]

Very thoughtful, well written Post.  You have a gift.  Can you relate to the 8 stages of amphetamine abuse?