HOW the Police Robbed Me From My Love of Adderall, how can I make past 30 days clean?

[Dazzy5467]

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to say how grateful I am to have finally been able too join this forum. I have been trying to join it since early June; however, there was a persistent error in typing the word priorities during the registration process, preventing me from joining the forum until now. 
But I am grateful too be here, as I’ve never been in such a need for help and support until now. I wish to apologize in advance for the sheer, verbose nature of this post. I am currently fighting the come down from some Adderall, 105mg IR to be exact, which I took earlier this afternoon. This is, unfortunately, another mini-relapse, and I have been experiencing mini relapses for the last year. I would consider mini-relapses of taking amphetamines, compared full script binges, too be an overall harm reduction approach, with the ultimate end-all-be-all being too be free, clean, and sober from Adderall for more than 30 days. I just haven’t been able to do it yet. I think I’m nearly there, though, seeing as I’m pretty much sick of this. 

I APOLIGIZE THIS POST IS LONG. Its long because I took the aforementioned amount of Addy earlier today, as well as the fact that if I don’t explain what my life & this drug have been for the last few years, I feel it’s going to be difficult for anyone to give me honest advice about what I really need to do in order to end Adderall being part of my life. 

TODAY
I have also had three, 12oz Orange Red Bulls Today, and on break in between shifts, I had two pints of 7% of beer, smoked two bowls, and went back to work feeling just fine, functional, and completely stoned, talking to customers, my manager (who I have smoked with before and who knows I used to take Adderall and Ritalin before due to me profusely sweating through several work uniforms), etc. 
Since getting off today, I’ve had two silver coin margaritas after work, smoked some 90% wax, drove home, and am now on my second 7% beer finishing this post: sad as can be because I’m back to the beginning yet again, and which I’ve been experiencing, fighting, and battling with for the last year. 

BACKSTORY
Clearly the workplace/my place of employment is the problem here? I worked here before from 2013-14, only to be fired from here for failing to show up on time for four shifts. Of course at that time, I was on Ativan + Adderall, with the Ativan being the sole contributing factor too being fired. I got a job at another company which was part of the company I used to work for. 
After working at the sister company to the company I was fired from due to being on lots of Addy, working all day, staying up until 4am, and doing this day after day, I had repaired my reputation with the company. In August 2018, the company closed the location I was working at. I am now back at the same job I had from 2013-14. This is the same job I had when I first discovering amphetamines, as well as becoming obsessed with them in the first place. 
At this point, I’m still holding onto a faint love of the drug because of all it gave me, as well as how unfairly I feel that COP took away everything I knew, everything I loved, and most of all he took away my safety, security, and ease driving behind the wheel. This cop, taking away my car, taking me too jail, really has messed with my head for the last year. I am angry: angry at the police, angry at how things turned out after graduating due too the police, and I’m angry at the situation that I’m in. Most of all, though, I am angry at myself. 

Deep down,  I know this is just the Adderall talking. I know that in the end, I, alone, am responsible for the decisions I make, for how I act, and ultimately what I make out of my life. Deep down, I know that the cops really did help me that night. However….. :

Now, my pattern of use has evolved to be me no longer include me taking my entire prescription in two-three weeks; rather it has become: 60-90mg of Addy for 3-4 days, taper off on days 5-7, sleep lots, eat lots, exercise, and I’m back to normal in three to four days. When I say “take my script,” I’m not referring to my entire prescription. 
Plus, I’ve done this so much by now that withdrawal is not so bad or excruciating as it used too, especially compared to taking them every day for three years without a break.

I try to take them no longer than a week under any circumstances to avoid psychological and physical dependence to amphetamines. It’s a lot easier to withdrawal from 5-7 days of amphetamine use than it is to withdrawal from 3 weeks or longer of daily amphetamine use. In the summer, withdrew from about three to four years of nearly constant, daily use. After the aforementioned use/time period elapses, I get rid off, dump down the toilet, throw into the pond (no fish are in here by the way) right across the sidewalk adjacent too my house. 

While things have gotten substantially better since the events described herein unfolded, my purpose of posting in this forum is to: 1) Tell My Story; 2) See if any of you all can relate to my story, offer me any advise, successions, or support, and lastly to gather input from you, the Quitting Adderall Community, about what do think I should do in order to achieve more than 30 days of sobriety off of ADDERALL? 

A brief backstory: got prescribed 60mgs a day back in 2014. Was able to make that daily dose last for about a year but then things started getting out of control. Being at a major university, and with me being a likeable, trustworthy fellow, I somehow gained access too his script, 30x30XRS, for about six months until he stopped refilling it. 
In addition, I had access too another source for about a year and half, where I could get 30x30IR’s. I eventually stopped buying from her about a month before going into rehab. I’ve never bothered or asked her for any since. Another ironic part with her is that I am convinced that I shouldn’t hold animosity against her—whether she gave me drugs or not. She helped me get my college degree, Adderall addiction or not. 
Many months, and eventually multiple years went by with this pattern continuing of me taking 90mg-120mg of Addy every day until I finally knew it was time to quit. I would experiment with various methods/ways/and substances, NMDA+ Antagonists—DXM and Magnesium, as well as Nootropics—to attempt to keep my Adderall tolerance at a minimum. Needless to say, nothing worked, and I progressed down the normal progressive pattern of tolerance with this medication that is god awful. 

THE END?I

checked myself into a local rehab center on June 17th, 2017, which was an awful idea. They kept giving me Adderall, they took away my phone, my razor, and basically made my life hell. Everyone at the rehab smoked cigarettes, chronically, they were all older with much more significant problems in their life. It was almost humiliating that the only entertainment available was G and PG rated movies. It was also absolutely horrible to go to the dining hall and have no one else in there. Not exactly the right environment to quit Adderall in, sorry. 

Rehab was so terrible that I left two days later on June 19th at the cost of $3,000 out of pocket, frustrated that they were even giving me my 60mg daily regimen of Addy too begin with. After leaving rehab, I made it 5 weeks sober until August 21st, 2018, the first week for school where I filled a script for 30, 30XRS. At this point, I haven't had any Adderall IR since July 17th. During the first two weeks of quitting, I slept and slept and slept. Still today, I reflect on how tired I was quitting, and vow never to return to that. I continued to have nightmares about the rehab center for the weeks to come.

THE UNTHINKABLE
3 more weeks go by, and with midterms on the horizon, I fill another script of 60, 30IR’s. The day of filling at, the thing I forgot about Addy is that if you don’t take it for a while, you can spontaneously regurgitate food that you may have just previously eaten beforehand due to the appetite suppressive effect of amphetamines. 
On this relapse in particular, Sep 20th, 2017, I had just eaten some tacos and was leaving the pharmacy taking an Addy on the way home, and right when I pulled in at home, proceeded to puke all over my steering wheel, my drivers side door, not being able to open the door on time before puking. I puked in a bag, which apparently I forgot about in the backseat of my car, and had to race off to work. I cleaned up the mess the best I could. 

Fast forward 2 days later, on Sept 22nd, 2017, I was scheduled to work a double shift. In my morning lunch shift, I found myself serving the governor of my state for lunch (while I was under the influence of Adderall, I might add), and I remember thinking—due to the governor being a “staunch advocate” of increased DWI penalties and enforcement—“I sure am glad I’ve never had a DWI before.” 

Later that night after getting out of work; however, I wound up getting a DWI when I was not even in actual physical control of my car, when I was not even seen driving, when I was not seeing driving in a way/manner that would suggest intoxication, a danger to the public, or that I was incapable of safely operating a motor vehicle.  
Since this happened, I have not been taking my whole script of Adderall each month, and I have struggled not to fill it. I have ended up either giving it away or throwing away the rest because I never want to have anything like this happen again. However, as I outline below, I have determined my triggers and the circumstances in my life that have prevented me becoming completely able to rise above the urge/influence to fill a script of Addy each month. 

WHERE IM AT NOW:
Currently, I struggle not to fill my script each month for these reasons: 
1) I’m paying for my own health insurance because my parents don’t get insurance, so it's hard to justify not paying $15 for a script when I pay $230 bucks a month for my own health insurance. I’m probably one of the only 24 year olds paying for my own policy because my parents don’t have any insurance to give me, and my job doesn't offer insurance, either. 

2) I’m trying to pay down credit card that from college while living with my parents who are getting extremely older, meaning I have to help them with nearly everything. My mom still works, and my dad is retired and is on a fixed income and doesn’t want to work anymore. My mom doesn’t want to live with my dad anymore, and doesn’t want to be married to him either. The only reason I have stayed living here is: I am trying too pay down on all my credit cards, which I would have been able to accomplish last year if I didn’t get the DWI and had to pay for an expensive lawyer and waste all my money on Uber rides, so I’ve continued living at home until now because at my job, you can make a lot of money waiting tables this time of year. For instance, last month I filled my script, worked 100 hours in 2 weeks, making $5,200 in tips in one month, my all-time record. Although I relapsed and I associate the Adderall as being fundamental in order to work that many hours serving tables, I came out from the relapse being able to pay all my bills for the next two months, while being able to subtly save for a new place to live. 

3) I live in a small town with about 80,000 people, and although that’s not too small “technically,” there is nothing to do here after work, nothing to do in this town at night, at all. Boredom is definitely another trigger that has caused me to refill my script each month unfortunately. The obvious answer of courses to move, but that’s easier said than done and I have honestly felt that credit cards, paying them down, come first, so that when I do move out I will have money to pay rent instead of high interest credit card bills. I have lived in this town for approximately 21 years; ergo, I am going stir crazy here and desperately need to get out of here as soon as possible. I’m GOING TO GO BAT S^&* Insane!

4) My parents got a two-bedroom house that I moved in to after rehab. For the first year, my mom gave me the bedroom. Now, I live in the living room, with only a soji-screen to barricade the room off. This past week, my mom moved a grand piano into my room. I have a half a room, sleeping on a mattress on the floor because the piano took up half of my room. 

When I’m on Addy, sleeping on the floor, especially with my college degree, housed in its $250 pack also sitting on the floor, makes me feel like crap honestly. Thank god I don’t have to take this stuff every day anymore. But I don’t even have the normal necessities/components to make my room feel, as well as be, feeling like a room. Additionally, with the money my parents make together, it’s not enough to even pay for this house to begin with. 

TRIGGERS
I admit that the above three triggers are directly within my realm of control. I am actively working to eliminate them, yet I struggle to find an answer to the aforementioned trigger point #1. Since I have had a thyroidectomy, I technically will need to have insurance for the rest of my life. 
But I don’t know if paying off my credit cards, which is what I deem is appropriate, is the right move. I feel it’s the right move because it will increase my credit score, especially as I’m now able to pay down my debt. Since June 2018 until now, relapsing every month for a weeks’ time, I have since paid down about half of my debt…. BUT I don’t know if moving out of this environment so I can be sober off of Addy, albeit being more financially constrained by a lot of debt, or staying with my parents, touching it out, paying down debt, and then moving out is the way to go? Regardless, Il have student loan payments in January, and Il be manipulating them for the lowest possible payment plan based on my income possible. 

Yet, please everyone, I can’t figure out for the life of me how to move on from the DWI last year on September 22nd. Yes, I beat my DWI charge, and I’m proud of this fact, especially being in a state with such a “DWI problem,” yet I am still extremely angry. I am extremely angry that I had to spend $4,700 too clear my name: $3,500 Lawyer, ~$750 in Uber Rides, $500 Impound Lot Fee, $1,300 ER Fee, and $350 Physician Fee. 

I know, I know this was a wakeup call…at least I’m not blowing through my entire script anymore. At least I can go 3/4ths of a month without any. 
I’m doing my best to stay healthy, too. I always try to go to sleep at a set time: 12-1am and wake up at 8:30 or 9am. I work out with weights and cardio 3 times a week or so. I would work out more, yet my work is too demanding. I wish I could do courses; I was enrolled in some this past semester, but due to instability at home, not having a place to work on homework, etc., I was regrettably forced to drop them. 

LOOKING TOWARDS THE FUTURE
Ultimately, I’m glad to say that I have a clean record, including a dismissal of all DWI Charges, and I was able to battle through the DWI drama to finish my degree. 
The end result, Adderall or not, but which Adderall certainly helped and I highly attribute too, is that I have my Bachelorette Degree with Cum Laude honors. 
I want to go to law school as a result of this. However, I want to go to Law School sober without Adderall. To do so, I will have to excel well past the 30-day mark. So far, I’ve largely been unrestful studying for the LSAT due to the 1 week Adderall use, 3 weeks’ sobriety regain. 

Please everyone: what can I do? I don’t value the Adderall anymore, especially not as much as I used too before this happened. I give it away, throw it away, throw it out of my window, give some to friends….I just don’t care. I never really understood how people could give this medication away until this happened. But now, I understand; however, my question is not what should I do, but how should I do it? I literally enjoy throwing Addy’s out of my car window while driving, giving them too coworkers to see their reactions, giving them too my friends who like them, etc.

Your forums have inspired me greatly over the last year.  Please help me. Please, please, please.
I know the easiest thing to do is too not go see my PSYCH to get a refill. To make matters worse, my psychiatrist is regular customer at my place of employment so I often see him multiple times a month outside of the office before my actual appointment. 

I am at a loss for what my next steps honestly are? I, likewise, look forward to any further input, questions, stories, advice, or recommendations from any/all of you here on quittingadderall.com forums! When I quit prescription Ativan back in 2014, it was a benzodiazepine withdrawal Facebook private group which helped and ultimately supported me through my journey to quit benzodiazepines once and for all. However, back then, there wasn’t any relevant support forums for ADDERALL WITHDRAWAL, nor would I have been able to successfully quit it on my own desire at that point. However, now: I am happy to have found a forum of likeminded individuals, all of which have gone through all of this to one degree or another. 

Please, how should approach exceeding the 30-day mark? How can I do it? 

CONCLUSION
A HUGE THANK YOU TO ANYONE/Everyone who was able to read through all of this! I Hope you are able to share some advice, light, or wisdom about what I should how, as well as how I should proceed?

Best Regards, 
Yours Truly, Dazzy5467

 

[SeanW]

I did all the drugs and typical regime that you have been doing. I am literally you two years from now. I'm 26 and I was in the same position you are at 24. I didn't quit till 15 months ago. Because eventually I was unable to hold a job or function from all the use. That's where you're headed if you don't take care of yourself and quit/wean off/moderate. Imagine being unable to communicate or hardly function. It can happen and will happen if you keep at this. When that happens you're fucked a lot worse than you are now. I wish you the best and that you take my advice because things can be a lot worse or a lot better. It's up to you. 

[Dazzy5467]

Sean,

Thank you for your response. I don't believe you've read my entire post, although I'm greatful that you responded. Your advice is certainly quite substianted. I've watched your helpful posts on the forums on/over for the forums for quite sometime. 

Are you stating that after reading my post, I am nieve, negligent, and unaware of the consequences of Abusing "my prescription for Adderall" (aka amphetamine, speed, crank, or a chemical substance one isomer away from methamphetamine?)! 

I'm not "fucked" at all. I live 10min from work, I have a college education that cost me $70,000 over six years, I graduated with honors, etc. I've certainly delt with my fair share of amphetamine withdrawal.

I know where it heads if this continues. Why else do I throw away, or give away the rest of my Addera, 1 a drug which I clearly significantly valuedl? Would someone, aware of the consequences of taking/Abusing this addictive daily amphetamine medication, throw it away instead of taking it? No. Would someone having to pay $4,750 in legal fees/Uber rides for simply taking this drug, continue to take this drug as before? I don't think so. 

I don't believe you truly understand my situation: living with my parents (Dad is 72, Mom 59), and with us living in a $1,600 house, $150 power, $25 gas, and 

I apologize for any hard rhetoric. 

I feel you don't understand why I posted this: I am looking to get sober from this drug. I've clearly had my struggles with this drug before, especially given my prescription history with it, the fact that this drug made me waste $4,750, and the fact that I'm awake right now, should further reaffirm and suvstuantantiate my points.

I've never before had a audience of like-minded individuals to share my story with before, hampering my recovery process in the long run. 

I'm Gona be sober tomorrow. I have work. I'm Gona get through it. I'm Gona make $100-$200, and I won't let you lecture me about not holding a job. I've lost this same job before due too amphetamines. Luckily, I'm smart, resourceful, & hardworking (amphetamine or not).

Wish me luck. I'm just greatful to have this forum to Confide in. I will post here every day if I have too..... 

Mnext Psych Appt is Dec 5th. I'm going to do some inner soul searching from now until them. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Dazzy5467]

I hope you all, anyone and everyone, can wish me luck and support on my journey. 

[Cheeri0]

Hey Dazzy. Sorry you're going through all of this - welcome to the forums. You're in the right place and we're happy to have you, keep posting about your journey! Some things that jumped out to me regarding your post: 

Quote

Clearly the workplace/my place of employment is the problem here?

 Nope. You're the problem here. The environment you're in matters, but the only constant variable throughout ALL of your struggles is you.

Quote

This cop, taking away my car, taking me too jail, really has messed with my head for the last year. I am angry: angry at the police, angry at how things turned out after graduating due too the police, and I’m angry at the situation that I’m in. Most of all, though, I am angry at myself. 

I'd pay particular attention to that last bit. Before I got clean I carried a lot of anger around that helped me justify my inability to make healthy choices - it's a destructive clutch. No one's out to get you. Your feelings are valid but it's time to do some brutally tough work.

 

Quote

what do think I should do in order to achieve more than 30 days of sobriety off of ADDERALL?

Toss your pills (again), fuck the insurance. Tell whoever is left in your support network that you can't stop using them, and do WHATEVER it takes to not get high. Watch netflix, drink water, go to a 12 step meeting, and embrace the misery of withdrawal. There's no secret sauce, unfortunately. Bad news is it's going to be brutal but the good news is it's entirely possible for you. I did this at 24, too - now's the time Dazzy. Make it through A DAY AT A TIME. Stop thinking about 30 days. Just do today. I'm going to be honest, your post is pretty insane, my friend. You are incapable of managing your use of this substance in a healthy, long-term way. You have to stop entirely. How much more devastation do you need in your life before you believe that? Don't use no matter what. No. Matter. What. Surrender and ask for help (which you're already doing by posting here!).

Quote

 I wound up getting a DWI when I was not even in actual physical control of my car, when I was not even seen driving, when I was not seeing driving in a way/manner that would suggest intoxication, a danger to the public, or that I was incapable of safely operating a motor vehicle. 

That bites. It sounds legally questionable so I get your gripe, but the world isn't always a fair place. I'd take look at the role the cop played to create that situation and the role that you played. One part sounds bigger than the other to me.

Quote

I don’t know if moving out of this environment so I can be sober off of Addy, albeit being more financially constrained by a lot of debt, or staying with my parents, touching it out, paying down debt, and then moving out is the way to go?

THIS is the best question you posed in your post. It's a question that deserves a lot of thought - if I were you I'd try to be super honest with a lot of people who know you well and get their take. Collect opinions and don't make any big decisions without thinking them through (I use my sponsor for big decisions like this). I'm of the opinion that your first priority right now should be sobriety and ONLY sobriety. Whatever you gotta do. Do it. The debt will work itself out if you have a clear mind - you seem really fucking smart. I hope you'll be a success story here, I have a good feeling about ya. You just have to get sober and give your brain time to heal.

[Dazzy5467]

I just called and cancelled the appointment, tell him I will not be there, and I won't need any appointments in the future. 

[SeanW]

Im not trying to insult you in anyway. I know you're well aware of your situation. I'm just reassuring you of the situation and giving you more reason to hopefully quit. 

[quit-once]

18 hours ago, Dazzy5467 said:

I just called and cancelled the appointment, tell him I will not be there, and I won't need any appointments in the future. 

That's a huge step in the right direction, congratulations.  Was your DWI for Adderall or was it alcohol-related?  I'm glad you were able to beat it.

[Dazzy5467]

Hi quit-once, 

The DWI was Adderall related. It was only Adderall related, I was never seen or witnessed driving by the cops, I was never actually inside of my car, never in actuall physical control, and never given the opportunity to take a breathyalizer. 

They couldn't even take the license away because in my state, the cop has too see you driving to revoke your license. It was ultimately just a crazy, $4,750, Adderall mistake, combined with a serious stroke of bad luck. Being in a small town, with little to no criminal activity didn't help either. 

I'm glad I could beat the charges too! Dismissed! 

Also, yesterday was OK. I didn't really have withdrawal, even though I didn't take anymore Addy yesterday. 

Today, I feel the withdrawal kicking in, but it's time to go work a double shift and get life moving again in the right direction. It's really not that bad. 

I'm glad that a great majority of the severe, significant, incombant anxiety due to the Adderall is gone. Addy just makes everything seem so grim, even though life isn't that bad. 

 

[Dazzy5467]

15 hours ago, SeanW said:

Im not trying to insult you in anyway. I know you're well aware of your situation. I'm just reassuring you of the situation and giving you more reason to hopefully quit. 

Thanks, Sean W. I appreciate the kind words. I know you were only trying too help. Thank you! 

[absent_minded_professor]

Hey Daz,

I'm also a newbie on here. First off, congrats on cutting ties with your doctor. That's so huge. One of the tensions I find so palpable in the story you shared is the conflict between wanting to quit while at the same time recognizing that increased productivity is the only way out of your present circumstances. I identify so hard with this. We live in a world that tells us our worth as humans is based on our productive output. At a theoretical and spiritual level we know this isn't true---and at the same time this recognition won't make up for the fact that capitalism sucks and we still need to earn money in this shitty culture that tells us to "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps". I will say this: you don't need to feel shitty about living with your parents after getting a college degree. That's the newreality...not because you're lazy, but because most of us don't have the resources to launch a career directly after college. I experienced it, and I see my students experiencing it. Here's how I got through it: everytime you feel shitty, remind yourself that it's temporary. My advice is to live with your parents awhile longer to improve your credit score and figure out exactly what your next step should be (you mentioned grad school). If homeis a toxic and unsupportive place where you feel driven to use, then think about finding a place with a sober friend to keep costs to a minimum. One more thing: I would advise having a year or two sober under your belt before starting law school because my guess is that you'll be tempted to use. I started using again in grad school because the workload was so intimidating. Now I realize my dissertation would have been better if I had written with a straight rather than frazzled mind. Trust yourself...you know what you need to do. Hopefully, you find affirmation in some of the feedback people on this forum. Congratulations on making yourself a priority!

[Dazzy5467]

Today’s a new day, but more importantly, I got through yesterday sober, although I had the effects in my system. But ouch, yesterday was brutal. 

I woke up with my neck hurting, turning in an excruciating headache so bad that it caused me to severely hampered at work due to an overall, all-encompassing pain throughout my head, and especially behind the eyes. It was a subtle, albeit dull, yet extremely obtrusive, cognitive overpowering type of neural pain due to increased blood flow, primarily due to an increase in my internal temperature. It was subtle, dull, yet remaining there nonetheless, unable to be alleviated from any amount of Tylenol or < 130oz of water. 

Yesterday was the craziest of all I would say, especially according too this post: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/461215-Amphetamine-The-Drug-You-Learn-to-Hate. I would say that at work yesterday, I clearly and evidently made it too Stage 6. Serving the creator of Game of Thrones is very intimidating as it is, especially interacting with him under this stage. 

Every time that I would go in the room, Mr. Martin would look at me and all conversation with cease in the room. But I yet had the inability too Really make or even hold a conversation. 
I learned a great deal this last relapse because I reread this important article, and I understand a lot of the aggressive behaviors I’ve demonstrated during the last few days: calling the credit card companies late at night to try and negotiate lower interest rates but then blaming them, thinking that my job is absolutely terrible even though I make $$$$$, as well as how I apparently I absolutely despise this town, even though it’s not that bad. But it’s absolutely strange not being able to form words together and describe things as normally. So yeah that was awful. It also absolutely makes sense being so angry at the police.

I got through today without any just fine. Granted I had a little difficulty connecting my thoughts and words together as fluidly as I would have liked to, I still made it through completely sober just fine. I did have three energy drinks though.

Pretty scary how I could transition through all the stages in only 11 days. Pretty scary. 

I'm going to have to go to bed now because I have survived until 3 a.m. anymore, and I feel extremely better! Not 100% recovered, but I feel 100% better compared too how too how I've been feeling for the last few days that's for sure.

Also, thank you to everyone for all supporting the posts on this thread. 

 

Edited November 12, 2018 by Dazzy5467
Type o due too being tired

[Dazzy5467]

One week clean today. 

[Cheeri0]

Incredible, Dazzy. Keep up the good work  

[Dazzy5467]

Thank you, @Cheerio. I had a weird experience two nights ago. 

My lawyer, who got me out of trouble, offered me a job. We shall see, we shall see.