Tired of thinking about Adderall

[CW97]

Hey everyone this is my first time posting and I’m a little nervous due to the fact that I don’t talk to anyone about my adderall addiction so I’m stuck with being in my head 24/7. Talking with people I know just isn’t something that I feel is helpful since they don’t understand the struggle

(bless them for not understanding)

I have so much empathy knowing that you all are on the same boat.. that I’m not alone.

I just want to ask something though.

Have any of you ever been adderall free long enough to where this drug doesn’t cross your mind? Even for a day. Where you wake up and this addiction is no longer a struggle because you have moved on to a new and better chapter in you life?

I really struggle sometimes looking at others thinking that adderall is something that means completely nothing to them but to me it has been the main voice in my life. 

would love to hear anyone’s answer or if anyone has really thought of this before. 

 

[Cheeri0]

Hi! Welcome. I was addicted for 7 years and have been sober for more than two years. I think about adderall rarely. I have a new job, new apartment, and new friends - none of which were around when I was still taking it. When I wake up, I think about things that need to be done in the office, laundry, what I'm going to get my family for Christmas, and what I'm doing this weekend with my friends. Never speed. We DO recover.

Everyone has bad days. Sometimes, when  have a tough day at work, I find myself wondering "would today have been better if I were on adderall?" and then I immediately realize the answer is "no" and move on with my day. I'm not sure if that will never go away for me, but I know it does for some. I'm NEVER going back to adderall hell, lol. And I'm perfectly fine. There's hope!

[CW97]

Very helpful and hopeful words. Thank you a lot

If you don’t mind me asking. When you finally quit, was there a “enough is enough” moment that made you never go back? What was the tipping point for you? 

[Cheeri0]

@CW97 Yeah, I had a definite "enough is enough" moment. My bottom was pretty low and I just pray that others don't have to go through what I did. I had dropped out of my prestigious college because I was high all the time and was wayyyyy too anxious to email professors, turn in work, or take final exams. That wasn't enough to get me to quit. My roommates told me they didn't want to live with me anymore because I was up all hours of the night, was incapable of being organized/cleanly, and was a social nightmare. That wasn't enough to get me to quit. I was forced to move in with a creepy coworker who was a manipulative narcissist and preyed on the fact that I was an addict. Still kept using. Got back into college and had to drop out again. Lost my job. Got another job. Lost that one too. Took myself to the ER on multiple occasions because I had spent 72 hours alone in my room (high) on webMD convincing myself I was dying. That wasn't enough to get me to stop. Went to the dentist and had 13 cavities (including a root canal) at 23 and needed 8,000 dollars worth of dental work done (thanks dry mouth). When my insurance ran out, I paid 170 dollars A MONTH out of pocket for my speed for like 5 months. On credit. It was still "worth it" to me. Lost all of my friends. 3 months before I quit I even had a minor stroke - I was using again within a week. That's not even the whole list - there were many bottoms.

Here's what finally did it: I was getting kicked out of another living situation - at 24 years old. I had no one to help me move (no friends to call) and I had to call my dad to ask him to drive 3 hours, pick me up, and move my furniture. I hadn't slept in days, and was carrying a box down the stairs and felt like I was going to pass out. I hit the floor, crying - thinking I was going to have a heart attack. It dawned on me that I was calling "daddy" to bail me out of the exact same situation I had to call him about when i was 18. It had been 6 whole years and nothing in my life had changed. No degree, no job, no friends. I kept trying to take adderall to "catch up" or "get ahead" and I finally realized that I wasn't moving ANYWHERE in the adderall hamster wheel. And truly, I was dying. My body was giving out. My dad drove his car up to his house, I followed behind him in my car to move back in with my parents. 8/16/16 was the date. I promised myself no more. Flushed the shit and haven't looked back. Now I have a degree, a job, and friends. Life is good.

[SeanW]

Your story is inspiring @Cheeri0 I have a very similar situation I’m just a year or so behind you. I was 24 when I hit a similar rock bottom. Dropped out, lost my job, had no friends, lost my girlfriend, moved back home with my dad. 

[SeanW]

I’m starting school again in the spring. How’d you do it? I’m nervous as hell about going back

[Cheeri0]

@SeanW Thanks. Yeah the shit we go through around here is so painful. So after I moved back in with my parents I managed to get an internship for the semester. The pay was minimum wage but I just needed practice being a person, and it's not like I had rent to pay. It was at a pretty prestigious company, I was lucky to land it. I was 24 interning with a bunch of 19 year olds which felt weird, but I got over it. I did pretty simple data work and spent 80 percent of my time there reading this website, not talking, and trying to keep my eyes open. It was rough. I did learn some coding which is one of the only ways I got my current position.

Going back to school was brutal, I wont lie. I really went into it with the attitude: "Cs get degrees." I had spent so many adderall years concocting these insane plans about how I was going to get straight As and head to Harvard Law school and blah blah blah. I had to eat some humble pie and realize I just needed to pass. I graduated with a 2.3 GPA and even that was difficult for me - I wont bullshit you. So I made a couple deals with myself: 1) no matter what, go to fucking class. I would get so anxious that attendance was a big issue for me. The lethargy was tough to overcome also. But no matter what, I got my ass up and sat in the chair, even if my mind wasn't there. Professors don't work with students who don't show up. 2) talk to your professors EARLY. I struggled with communication before, so I just went up to my teachers in the first week and said "I'm a returning student... this has been difficult for me in the past, it's been a while since I've been in school, and I'd like to check in with you throughout the semester if that's okay to make sure I'm on track to pass." Honestly there were a few classes that I might not have passed if it weren't for those early chats. Make them like you and make them think they're part of your underdog story. 3) try to avoid freaking out. this is the toughest one. But I would get so anxious about work that it'd hinder my ability to do well. once I stopped caring so much about the grades it was easier to actually absorb material. 4) if all else fails, beg. I aint above it.

You can do this Sean!!!

[SeanW]

@Cheeri0 thanks! Man, I’m nervous as hell that I won’t even be able to make the c’s. But yeah, like you said if I can just make myself go and make myself put in some effort and befriend my professors I might have a chance. It’s so hard be social and I’m afraid despite my effort they’ll think I’m an ass because I tend to have that resting bitch face and being emotionally out of sorts makes it even harder to get past that. Anyway, thanks for the advise and support. Wish I could land a internship but in my field you literally have no chance unless you have a 3.5 or higher not to mention a badass resume on top of that. Ahhh!! Stressed af.

[Cheeri0]

@SeanW School was hard but getting clean was harder. If you can do that, you got this