Quit adderall. 9 days clean... Tough, but so worth it.

[kmc424]

I quit adderall on January 31st, 2019 and each day is a victory without the pill. I’ve been taking adderall for 8 years from age 20-28 and I was prescribed on 20-30mg/day. I notice I feel cravings pop up from time to time, missing the high, that "hit" that would kick in exactly 30 minutes after I took my pill. I had started setting the timer on my watch for 30 minutes after I took my pill so I could know exactly when it would kick in. I loved that feeling, and I still miss that feeling. But I don't want that poison in my body anymore. That was not the best me who God created me to be. I hated my personality on adderall and I despised the crashes. The anxiety, the sleeplessness, the rebound hunger. I resented social situations to the point where I would prefer to be alone in isolation than go out and socialize with my co-workers or friends. I would have anxiety about being in 1-on-1 social or networking situations when it was just me + someone else. I felt anxiety about those situations because I knew I couldn't completely interact with the adderall dampening my personality and desire to fully commit my full self to the conversation and actually connect. Since I've been clean, I've realized that was all an illusion that the adderall made me feel in my brain. When I'm not on the adderall, I am a different person. I am funny, nice, caring, and give time to others. On my adderall, I have a one-track mind and that is to get shit done. Period. Don't come in my office to talk to me, don't stop me in the hallway. I was selfish and lived to take that pill every day to create this false sense of achievement that was built up in my own mind.

I do not want that to be my life anymore. I want to get back to the real me, which is consistent all the time. No longer experiencing my usual weekend crashes from the adderall binge work weeks. I don't want to equate Fridays with "feeling like I got run over by a train", which is how I would feel come every Friday after 5 days straight of adderall. I do not want the highs and lows anymore. I do not want the anxiety, the rebound hunger where my appetite comes roaring on the weekends and I binge eat on everything in sight. I want to have a normal, predictable appetite. I want to be able to sleep, normally, rather than waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat at 2am and then staying awake, my mind racing with anxious thoughts, unable to fall back asleep, until I watch my alarm go off at 7am to start my day which basically means taking that pill again. I want to get to know my true self that is not the "adderall me", and that is someone I love and that everyone loves. I am on a mission to become the best version of myself, which I know has impacted my dating life too and meeting my future husband, and that means getting rid of this drug that dims the bright light of who I know I'm truly meant to be in this world.

I am nervous about the future and my life without this drug. I have achieved a lot with it - getting into business school, graduating with my MBA, working at a big tech company on the west coast. I am driven and high-functioning, but I've had adderall to help me. I worry I will not be capable to achieve that level of success without the drug. I worry I won't be able to focus and be productive like I could with adderall. I worry I won't exhibit the same relentless work ethic I am known for. But all those things, I realize, are still not worth it to continue sacrificing my authentic self, and mental and emotional well-being while taking this drug. I just don't want to do it anymore and put myself through this vicious cycle of what this drug leaves you feeling like when the high is gone. So, I am quitting adderall and I am ready to see what awaits me on the other side. I hope/know it's a better me than I could imagine, and I will come out of this stronger than I am now. Thank you for reading this!

[Nathan Call]

Hey I’m only three days clean and have been spending these days laying in bed searching for motivation that isn’t there anymore. This was inspiring. We can this together. I forgot who I was without the Adderall too, but I’m excited to meet me again.

[kmc424]

Hey Nathan, thanks for your response. I know how you feel about searching for motivation. I find myself grasping for that as well as I try to want to start doing things that bring me joy, but without the “help” of adderall. Like you so eloquently put, I am also excited to meet me again. We totally can do this together! Hang in there!