My mind tricked me into using AGAIN

[neveragain]

I was sober from dexedrine (and alcohol and other drugs) for four months, screwed up for three weeks, sobered up and had 15 days clean time..until today... I called the doctor and got myself a dexedrine script again. It's embarrassing how easy it went. I live in the Netherlands btw. Dexedrine abuse is not as common as in the US over here.

I almost finished my masters degree. The only thing I have to do in order to graduate is write my thesis. Something I have been postponing for months seen I never studied without meds. They put me on ritalin at the age of 13. When I was 19 they put me on dexedrine, the stim I have been abusing ever since (next to other drugs and alcohol). I am 26 now.

Today I thought OK FUCK IT, I will try and use it responsible this time (attempt 23423143) and quit taking pills after getting my degree / finishing my thesis.. Like I was going to quit after all the previous projects, short stories, papers, whatever. I was fooling myself (again). I almost shitted my pants out of excitement when the pharmacist was preparing my script. That was the moment I knew that I didn't really wanted to study, I wanted to get high. And indeed, I got high. Popped a few pills the moment I walked out of the pharmacist, and some more the moment I got home. Now am high but I can barely enjoy the feeling. I don't even feel like studying or doing anything productive. Suddenly I remember that during the last months of my abuse I was neither studying or doing anything productive. I was an anxious mess, sitting at my desk feeling like shit, thinking of ways how I can break free from my addiction. And that is an exact description of me right now. Somehow I forgot..Because my mind was playing tricks on me. My mind was showing me a whole different picture of what was going to happen if I got myself pills again.

I called the university and made an appointment. I am going to temporarily withdraw from the study and finish it in a year or so. I need to fully focus on my recovery. Being haunted by the fact I have to write a thesis every day isn't helping me at all, seen every day I am disappointed in myself for being unproductive and lazy. I need to give my brain time to heal. I will get a shitty job somewhere in the meantime. But for now I need to find the strength to not turn this fuck up into a long bender. The strength to flush what is left of the 170 pills they gave me..