My early recovery journey- 65days clean

[Socially awkward]

I wanted to share my progress after quitting cold turkey from a 2.5yr dexamphetamine addiction. As a quick reference, I was averaging 80mg of Dex a day (equiv to approx 115mg adderrall IR ) along with vyvannse and Ritalin or whatever else I could get my hands on at the time.

I still have my bad days where I struggle but I don’t feel anywhere near as bad as I did a few months ago whilst I was abusing stims. I want to get the point across that it’s worth it, to anyone who might be visiting this forum in the pre-contemplative phase as I did. 

The first 30 days are the hardest and if I’d had access to my scripts I’m sure I would have used again as I literally couldn’t get out of bed. I never thought I’d ever get back to the gym or even be able to work again. I initially packed on a tonne of weight and my cognitive function was so poor I couldn’t construct sentences or follow conversations properly. I spent this time alone and in a vegetative state just trying to heal myself with nutritious foods and plenty of sleep. 

This second month has been entirely different and I’ve noticed quitting has hugely impacted on my life in a positive way.

I look healthy and my physical appearance as completely changed. My acne has gone, my hair has stopped falling out, I don’t look angry/tense in the face anymore. I look younger and no longer require make up to cover the darkness under my eyes. I don’t have puffy/swollen ankles, or a flushed, red face. I don’t get scared and worried that I’m going to die either. 

I am back at the gym, but with a vengeance this time. I now only train 5 times a week for an hr (as opposed to living there) and I’ve started small group HIIT and circuit type classes. I couldn’t do cardio style training while on the Dex without feeling faint and had to stick to weights/strength training. I’m already back down to my original weight but actually look more fit and toned despite putting in less hrs. I’ve combined this with a healthy eating plan, whereby I’m eating more yet consuming less calories. I always craved sugars and carbs on the stims and would starve myself and then binge eat. My cortisol levels were undoubtedly through the roof. Despite causing initial weight loss, the stims will make you fat in the end.

I’ve also rediscovering myself, I’m developing a new hobby around cooking and gaining a lot of inspiration from watching YouTube tutorials. I’ve even thought of undergoing a study course in nutrition. I’ve started watching documentaries in the evenings and going to sleep at a reasonable hour as opposed to mindlessly playing hrs of stupid computer games on my iPad all night. I take myself along on nice hikes on days off as opposed to laying in bed like a sick invalid. Group exercise classes, getting outdoors and a healthy diet have all been key factors in my early recovery phase and I really recommend them.

Unfortnately work is a whole lot less enjoyable without drugs and it’s going to take some time to get used to working and finding motivation  without my magic pills as a tool. I guess this is the general consensus amongst many of us users, I know from reading others stories, this will get a lot better in time. I’ve discovered now that I’m less hyper focused/obsessed with getting the job done, I’m making time to socialise with colleagues. Im a lot less nervous when people approach to initiate a conversation with me but my social and cognitive skills require a lot of improvement . I still come across awkward at times but now I’m discovering a new life outside of the gym and my iPad, I find I have more interesting topics I can contribute with. I’m feeling a lot more optimistic about the direction my life is headed and I don’t lie in bed thinking about how I can feed my addiction. 

 

 

 

[growingupistheworst]

Thank you! This helps me a lot. My world feels so small right now because I've just been going to work and coming home to play computer games and watch tv and drink wine to help the come down. The next morning I take a pill to avoid the hangover. I took my last vyvanse (ok i took 3) and I'm officially out for REAL. I was honest with my psychiatrist, therapist and boyfriend, so I know I have support but obviously scared (well not right now because I took 3 vyvanse today so I actually feel nothing lolz, but I know I will be fucking terrified tomorrow) Anyways, your post was exactly what i needed to read so thank you!

[m34]

 @Socially awkwardyour story helped me when having a rough patch. Pretty much the same reasons I quit.     Thanks for sharing

I like your name lol @growingupistheworst ❤️ I’m newer to forums. Hang in there the first week is the hardest physically... (or was for me) and then it’s a roller coaster of mind games. I’m on Month 5 off adderall... good days are starting to become more consistent. Don’t  get discouraged just be proud your making the decision. I’m still taking one day at a time. These forums saved me multiple times from making that appt or caving to ask friends for adderall. I know I have so far to go.. just thought I’d send you some encouragement. 

[growingupistheworst]

@m34 Thanks so much for the encouragement! I really appreciate and it makes me feel less alone. I'm definitely freaking out about how I'll feel tomorrow Day1 without my vyvanse, but I'll push through with a shit ton of iced coffee.

[Socially awkward]

@growingupistheworst hang in there! The first week is definitely the most difficult but just know that once you are through it, it is all uphill from here. I still have my bad days where I crave my pills but now 3 months in, I can honestly say I’ve seen big improvements in my overall mental health, relationships with others and my physical health and appearance. You will feel a real sense of achievement once you discover you are no longer a slave to your pills and life will start to get better.