I'm addicted

[luann1]

My name is unimportant, though if anyone responds using gmail, you'll see my name. I have been on Adderall ER for 7 years due to a psychiatrist's diagnosis of ADD-Adult Onset, among other mental disorders. I quickly discovered, after taking my dosage the first time, that I felt "normal," i.e. no fears, no intimidation felt by me comparing my co-workers' work with my work, happiness, engergy, could carry on conversations with others without intimidation causing me to be a wall flower (thus, another diagnosis "social phobia.") I tried this weekend to quit Aderrall ER this past weekend. Beginning Saturday p.m. I was hysterically crying and haven't quit since (today is Monday, 2/13/12). I hate myself. I can't do anything but cry and feel like God has forsaken me (I am a Christian.) So, just now I took over my dosage amount (which has not been a usual habit of mine.) Adderall has ALWAYS made me feel like my "old self" - full of confidence, talkative to people, creative; but NOT EVER COMPETENT. I had several break downs unfortunately at work and I've beem committed once. I am now on disability based on mental illness and I just know I'm NOT disable, but I also know that before I began seeing a pyschiatrist, I could never keep a job. I'd last about 3 years after I began to have this horrific FEAR of work and thus, I continuously FAILED at everythings at work to the point of me quitting and finding another job(I am a lawyer - but no more - speciffically I was a prosecutor for about 15 years before I finally quit my last job, college instructor of criminal justice where I had my 2 break downs. I think NONE of the medicine or counseling is helping me, but I also KNOW Adderrall is FALSELY kime "feelnormal,"ms band that's not right. I want to feel like I used to in high school 30 years ago. All my symptoms began after high school due to the above reasonings I stated just above. I figure that since Adderall is making me experience "false normalcy," I must quit it. I've tried but I could not withstand the emotional pain I experienced this past Saturday to early this Monday morning, so I took Adderall. Is this hysterical crying and hating myself and begin thinking weird things that make me want to die NORMAL as withodrawal symtoms? Thank you and sorry for the "book" I've written. I'd appreciate SOMEONE to respond. My family has not supported me as to Adderall or even as to quit disability. I'm totally alone except for Jesus that I'm fighting to maintain my faith in. Thanks

[Jen P]

Luann, I read your story and my heart breaks for you. So sorry to hear about what you're going thru. Seemingly, alone. I'm also a Christian and want to remind you that you're NOT alone. He's there and although I don't have answers for you about a lot of what you shared, I have been through the anxiety attacks and depression. Looking back, it's actually what strengthened my bond w/ Him. You have to lean heavily on Him and and He will help you through. I know it sounds cliche, but it's so true. I would have my Bible right there w/ me (especially at night when it seemed to be worse) and I would immediately get it out, start praying and read when I felt the anxiety creeping up. (which will make you feel like you're about to lose your mind/ just dangling over the pit of insanity- You're not! It's a lie, so don't believe it for a second.)I can't tell you how precious those memories of time spent with Him, are to me now. Probably the closest I've been to Him.

I stopped the Adderall over a month ago. Although I do have support from my family, it took them a while to understand why I was getting off of it. They didn't see it as a big deal and couldn't understand what it was doing to me inside. I can say that with LOTS of prayer and lots of baby steps, I've not gone back. It's a rough road, but it's worth it once you come through to the other side and you know that you are free. It's worth it! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers today.

Love,

Jen

[Whittering]

Oh Luann, please continue to have faith and hold on. I've come back to this site from being away for over a month as my life has picked back up after being off Adderall for 51 days. Since being off Adderall and off Well Butrin for 5 and 1/2 months, I feel like I did in my early twenties before I started all the prescription drugs. I'd found that I had social phobia while on Adderall, but after getting off it, I'm so much more social and confident. I realize now it only gave me a sense of false bravado in the beginning and then once addicted I couldn't stop.

Please let us know how you are doing. I know this site, and the people on it, helped me overcome the addiction. Now I feel perfectly well and back to my old self, the one that had to watch what I ate so I wouldn't gain weight. You can do it. God is faithful and true. Please don't give up! I'll pray for you daily!

[Greg]

Hey Luann,

Hang in there and just know how much its worth going through that initial misery to get to a point where you are completely free from adderall...

You asked "Is this hysterical crying and hating myself and begin thinking weird things that make me want to die NORMAL as withodrawal symtoms?" Everyone is going to react differently and to varying degrees, but that is exactly how I felt when I quit. It's rough and pretty scary, at first. But you know what? Time passes, and you get over it and it gets better.

It's just temporary. It gets so much better. If you are like I was, you probably are overwhelmed with emotions from being in this situation of having such bad addiction, grappling with letting go of a substance that has become such a part of your day to day, and physically strung out from the pills having taking their toll on you mentally and physically.

It gets better. Much, much better. It's all temporary. Just hang in there. You get stronger every day.

[LILTEX41]

Luann,

I am here to tell you that your life will get SOOOOO much better once you are off of it permanently. It's going to take some time, but you WILL get your old self back!!! These crying fits you are having is all DUE TO ADDERALL. I will be 16 months clean from adderall as of March 12th, 2012. I don't even think about it anymore, but I sure as hell did when I first stopped. Reading your post brought it all right back to me and OH MY GOD I WOULD NOT WISH THAT TORTURE ON MY WORST ENEMY.

You CAN get THROUGH this. My life is so amazing and blessed today. Do you know that I went to a psychiatric hospital and they actually diagnosed me as bipolar because I had ODed on adderall? They thought I should keep taking it and that my craziness and mental instability was genetic. They didn't even see it linked to adderall!!! Adderall is a CRAZY DRUG. It messed up my life for 6 years. I look back on all that time now as wasted years of my life. I promise you girl, you will be so AWESOME once you are free and clear.

The fact that I have overcome adderall is ASTONISHING. When I look back to how badly it had its grip on my life (ruined my relationship with my fiance, wrecked my car, went to ER twice, etc.) and the fact I still wanted to take it??? Really?? If I can get off of it, anyone can!!!

My heart goes out to you and GOD is with you always. He strengthened me and pulled me through and he WILL do the same for you! You MUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND STAY POSITIVE. Train yourself to think I WILL OVERCOME ADDERALL and imagine how AMAZING YOUR LIFE WILL BE WHEN YOU ARE DRUG FREE.

I am training for an Ironman right now. In detox we had to write our COMEBACK STORY. I have dedicated this year, 2012 as my COMEBACK. I just ran a half marathon and finished 3rd place in my age group. My dreams are coming true now that I am drug free. Adderall was straight poison for me. You can fulfill your destiny with God's help once you're clean.

Praying for you tonight! (((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

Erin