I'm 52 and today I ended my relationship with my Adderall supplier - my psychiatrist

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 9. My dog is back and I go back to work this morning. It'll be fine. Feeling super sluggish in the mornings. No amount of caffeine can touch it. In the afternoons and evenings I've been feeling pretty good. Yesterday I found myself making alot of "deals" with myself about using. "I am never going to get another Adderall prescription, but I do have those two 20mgs and I will save those for a special occasion and enjoy them. And after those two are gone, I can always get a few just to have on-hand if I like..." I am ok with these deals...because at the same time, I am finding myself definitely wanting to face/experience my life and various things Adderall-free. Yesterday I was going to meet a girlfriend for hot yoga. And I was anxious about how that would go, but I also knew I wanted to experience it Adderall-free. I realized, to my surprise, that exercising on Adderall was not so great. It scared me because my heart rate would get so high. And in the past week, I've been enjoying exercising without Adderall. I also had a coaching session last night - my 8th session, and it was the first time I had done it stone-cold sober. And it was the best session yet. These feel like important milestones on the recovery road. My four days off without my pup were really nice. I ended up doing alot more than laying on my couch. Mind you, I got alot of couch-time in, but I also got out and had alot of fun. Went for a nice long hike with my boyfriend Sunday and really enjoyed it, for example. I really isolated alot more than I realized when I was on Adderall. Many things that now do not feel IMPORTANT felt URGENT. 

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 10 and I couldn’t sleep last night. I just want to sleep -my eyelids are so heavy. But I have clients to see so I also want to take a skosh of one of the 20mg pills I had found stashed last week. My brain feels like mushy-mush...the weather is absolutely gorgeous and my boyfriend is being super supportive and he’s doing really well in his recovery from nicotine. 

[LuLamb]

Correction: I don’t WANT to take some of the Adderall I found, but I do FEEL like taking some. 

[SleepyStupid]

1 hour ago, LuLamb said:

My brain feels like mushy-mush...

lol, well said. there's honestly no better way to put it, and it describes how basically everything feels in the early stages of recovery.

but it's fine! do what you have to do (besides pills) to get through the day - i remember always looking forward to being a super blob when i got home (: 

[LuLamb]

2 hours ago, sleepystupid said:

lol, well said. there's honestly no better way to put it, and it describes how basically everything feels in the early stages of recovery.

but it's fine! do what you have to do (besides pills) to get through the day - i remember always looking forward to being a super blob when i got home (: 

Thank you. Always good to know I'm not alone. It's curious what is doable and what isn't. Surprisingly, my sessions with clients have been going well, and thankfully, I'm really really carefully considering how many peeps I schedule for myself in a day and week right now, so I don't over-do it. It's also curious how my body feels good - for example, I walked to work and back for lunch and I was running most of the way because I just wanted to and it was great. It's like the body is doing well, but the brain and eyes are gloppy and fuzzy. The other thing I'm finding helpful is that if I can make it to around 3:00, I know I won't use no matter how ka-ka-poo-ey I'm feeling. 

[quit-once]

10 hours ago, LuLamb said:

. But I have clients to see so I also want to take a skosh of one of the 20mg pills I had found stashed last week.

Be careful, that can be a slippery slope.  Even the smallest amount of the drug can change thinking pathways in your brain.  It could be enough to make you just say "fuck it" and go back on it despite your best intentions.   Total abstinence is the only effective way to ensure your Quit will succeed. 

[m34]

The fact that you are able to workout +work is a really good sign! Hang in there. I remember my first two weeks I was barely getting through 5-10 min forced running sessions a day. It was pretty tough. Be so proud of yourself. This is a long road, but worth it. Hope you are doing ok today! Thanks for sharing your story

[LuLamb]

23 hours ago, quit-once said:

Be careful, that can be a slippery slope.  Even the smallest amount of the drug can change thinking pathways in your brain.  It could be enough to make you just say "fuck it" and go back on it despite your best intentions.   Total abstinence is the only effective way to ensure your Quit will succeed. 

I appreciate this. Its always been a slippery slope, why would it be any different now? (SIGH)...

Today was Day 11. I didn’t see clients and i didn’t feel as bad as yesterday and I had a very good day in a quiet sort of way. I didn’t consider taking Adderall. It just was a thing I used to do...and I did t take my nonplussed less-than-optimal state personally. I just accepted it and went about living my life...no big deal. ;-)

[LuLamb]

12 hours ago, m34 said:

The fact that you are able to workout +work is a really good sign! Hang in there. I remember my first two weeks I was barely getting through 5-10 min forced running sessions a day. It was pretty tough. Be so proud of yourself. This is a long road, but worth it. Hope you are doing ok today! Thanks for sharing your story

Thank you so much for this. It is quite challenging at times and I was reminded today when I looked back in my DayTimer that when I quit back in May I was too sick on Day 10 to go to work and I had to cancel all of my clients for the day. So even tho Day 10 this go-‘round was one of the more difficult day thus far, it was nowhere near as bad as May 18th was. 

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 12 and I have a new motto: More Balls, Less Bullshit. I am noticing that I am thinking more clearly, even though my brain is still mushy. I think I’m realizing the false sense of confidence I had on Adderall and while I don’t *feel* particularly confident now, I am having more clarity about what the right thing to do is and am better able to be proactive about it.

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 18. It’s going well. Overall, Adderall already seems like a long time ago. It’s very hard to believe that just a few weeks ago I was in the throes of abuse.

It’s as if that was someone else.

It’s truly hard to believe that not only was I that addict just a few weeks ago, but nearly every day prior to then for nearly a decade. It barely computes. Within the abuse it seemed impossible to consider life without Adderall. I was so afraid to give it up. I was so afraid that the shit would hit the fan IF I quit. But the opposite was true. I didn’t realize until after I had quit that the shit-show was the way I was operating ON ADDERALL.

For a few years I had been thinking about the idea that part of a definition of addiction is whether or not your life has become unmanageable. I would ask myself if my life was unmanageable or not.

Let’s just say that NOW my life has become MUCH MUCH MORE MANAGEABLE. And it’s shocking because everything seems SO much simpler than Adderall made it out to be. 

My boyfriend has been off nicotine for a month today, but he is really struggling and suffering a lot lately. I’m so glad that Adderall is not as readily available as nicotine is.

I’m so glad I broke-up with my source.

People talk about the importance of knowing WHY you got onto Adderall in the first place...for me the simple answer is that I thought I needed it in order to handle the demands of life.
 

I thought I was inadequately equipped for the game of life, and that in order to keep up with what I thought I SHOULD be doing or how I SHOULD show up, I began looking for something that would quiet my TRUTH, because I believed it was the wrong truth, and besides, I didn’t know how to say, “NO!” to myself or to others, and when I found Adderall it made me feel not only like I could go along and get along, but that I could WIN and be the best at  SHOWING UP - I could be the BEST at DOING what the world said I should be doing. 

I’ve seen documentaries about rock stars who talk about the challenging demands of things like touring and performing and how one day someone gave them a little pill to help them cope and how great it was- how it was the answer to their dilemma- until it wasn’t.

Only in hindsight is it obvious that the only real antidote to this dilemma is to learn to say, “No. This doesn’t work for me. I’m tired and I need to rest and how that is for everybody else is out of my hands.” 
 

 

 

 

[LuLamb]

It’s ok to be tired and to rest.

It’s ok to say NO.

It’s ok to fail.

It’s ok to define success on your own terms.

It’s ok to not be the smartest guy in the room.

It’s ok to compete only with yourself.

It’s ok to be an introvert in an extroverted world. 
 

It’s ok to love, accept, nourish, and care for the only wonderful, beautiful self you will ever have exactly as it is! 

HARUMPH!!!

[LuLamb]

Last week I took some of those 40mg I had found. And I did t like it so I threw the rest away. I felt really sad and angry. I was shocked by the effect they had on me: I felt anxious and irritated; rushed and impatient; all these aches and pains came on-like I got physically exhausted; I was afraid to be around people; I wanted to calm down but couldn’t. It was awful. I felt betrayed and duped. How did I come to imbue that shit with so much power? It was all an illusion. The good news is that now I have even more clarity about why I’ve quit. When I’m feeling “MEH”, I at least know that Adderall really wouldn’t help...

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 30. I feel kinna settled into my new life without Adderall. I really hope my brain function improves and that I experience some benefit as my dopamine and neurotransmitter functions recover. The hardest part these days is feeling like I could close my eyes and fall asleep any time. Not that I would actually sleep or feel rested if I did, though! My eyes just feel so heavy and sleepy a lot of the time. I miss the rush of feeling my whole body and mind stimulated by the drugs kicking in. But beyond that, I don’t miss much. Mostly I feel sad and angry for the way I was on Adderall and for how it betrayed me...I reread the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist yesterday. I can’t believe that was only 30 days ago. 

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 45. It’s going ok. Sometimes I feel quite lost. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 10/15/2019 at 9:59 AM, LuLamb said:

Your kind words are sooo appreciated. I know you are right. It’s ironic how on Adderall I felt like I never had enough time-I could barely account for where the years had gone. Now, I’m dreading the slowing-down of time. I’m a counselor in private practice and my Adderall self filled my schedule with back-to-back clients. The idea of sitting through hour-after-hour of sessions that will now slowly tick by is daunting to say the least. My first client of the day just cancelled due to illness (THANK GOD!)...I had been feeling I was burnt-out for a while. Wondering if that will continue to play out. But I want to know my truth and live it. At first Adderall made me feel like I was a go-getter. But ultimately I started to feel like I was kidding myself about everything. I don’t know what I want other than to get some clarity about who I actually am without the filter and distraction of Adderall. If that finds me burnt-out on my career, so be it-at least It’ll be an honest discovery and I can make changes that are true to me.

OH. MY. GOD.  I am also a therapist in private practice whose Adderall self has filled my schedule with back to back clients.  I could cry right now it is so relieving to make a connection to someone who completely gets my situation.  I am TERRIFIED of quitting b/c of exactly what you said.  When I'm on it, I am either excited to see clients, or at least it's tolerable.  But the thought of seeing person after person, hour after hour is filling me with dread.  Of course I can slowly make changes in my schedule, but not immediately b/c I can't just tell established clients I'm no longer available.  (Plus I have a terrible fear of economic insecurity, which is not really based in reality, but helps fuel my continuing to schedule people.)  Thank you thank you thank you.   I hope we can keep connecting on here.  I will need support.   (I say "will need" because I haven't yet quit.  I drastically reduced, and then went back up.) 

[LuLamb]

Hi Delaney,

Tomorrow is Day 50 for me. I hope you find a “way” to quit. A lot of interesting things have happened in my practice since quitting. Nearly all for the better. Basically, I rarely feel overwhelmed and highly agitated and the perception of having more time is almost always a good thing. Sleeping well is a godsend. 

[LuLamb]

What I am finding challenging these days is being kind to myself on days (like today) when I feel unmotivated and sluggish. It helped to re-read my own posts and et al. and to be reminded of some of the good words of wisdoms up in here and the progress I’ve made. I’ve been thinking about a line from the movie, WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN with Meg Ryan. She is an alcoholic in recovery. She is sitting in a room in the dark and her husband comes in and turns on the light and asks why she’s having a bad day. He says, “What-are you feeling like drinking or something?” And she replies, “Well, THAT wouldn’t distinguish it from any other day...” There’s a ZEAL that accompanied the early days of abstinence...that eludes me today - Day 49. I’ll be fine. I can hang, lol.

[DelaneyJuliette]

This makes so much sense to me.  I love your phrase, "i'll be fine.  I can hang."  That's endearing.  I've been decreasing my dosage this week in preparation for next week which is going to be my first week without.  I have an outpatient umbilical hernia surgery on Monday and I took the rest of the week off.  I feel like having one week without working without using any will be a good start.  I know there are lots of cues and when I'm back at work the next Monday it will be hard.  I've not been on this site much due to lethargy.  It's crazy to me how just cutting down has created so. much. tiredness.  ugh.

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 11/6/2019 at 10:18 PM, LuLamb said:

Last week I took some of those 40mg I had found. And I did t like it so I threw the rest away. I felt really sad and angry. I was shocked by the effect they had on me: I felt anxious and irritated; rushed and impatient; all these aches and pains came on-like I got physically exhausted; I was afraid to be around people; I wanted to calm down but couldn’t. It was awful. I felt betrayed and duped. How did I come to imbue that shit with so much power? It was all an illusion. The good news is that now I have even more clarity about why I’ve quit. When I’m feeling “MEH”, I at least know that Adderall really wouldn’t help...

This is what started happening to me that has given me the indication that I really have to quit.  

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 10/23/2019 at 11:43 PM, quit-once said:

Be careful, that can be a slippery slope.  Even the smallest amount of the drug can change thinking pathways in your brain.  It could be enough to make you just say "fuck it" and go back on it despite your best intentions.   Total abstinence is the only effective way to ensure your Quit will succeed. 

That is the story of my life.  I give it up then convince myself I "need it" and then it doesn't work, and then the only way to get it to "work" again is to say fuck it and abuse it by crushing it and snorting it.  It's awful.  I kind of can't believe I'm actually in a place where (most of the time) I am wanting abstinence.  Monday is going to be Day 1, as I'm decreasing the dosage.

[LuLamb]

2 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

This is what started happening to me that has given me the indication that I really have to quit.  

Yeah. It’s so disturbing when it all turns on you. So it becomes time to move on or...let go or be dragged...

[LuLamb]

Today is Day 98. I’ve very much been reminded the past few days of how I was doing in the time leading up to starting on Adderall and why i got so hooked on it. I was really struggling with feelings of depression and meaninglessness before I found Adderall even though so many things were going great on paper. I was engaged; I was starting my private practice; I was more fit and healthy than ever before..

In the past few days I have felt like I have returned to my pre-Adderall self. It reminds me of how they say that an addict’s development stops at the point at which they start using, and so when they stop they ultimately have to begin growing from the pre-using point.
 

I’ve been clean for 98 days, but this is the first time I’ve felt this way. This now feels like the REAL work and I did not anticipate it. And it’s very scary. 

[LuLamb]

Yesterday I pulled up the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist back in October. To my surprise, it had been exactly five months since i wrote it (October 14th-March 14th)! I seem to have entered a whole new phase in my recovery. Watching the NOVA documentary: Addiction Friday night, was incredibly informative and validating. But now I'm really struggling. It's like the personal shame I had been feeling around getting addicted to Adderall has been replaced with a new kind of shame: something really IS wrong with me: my brain is F****D and while that's not my "fault", it finds me feeling sorta B**CH-SLAPPED into a new reality. Maybe after 14+ months, if I am lucky, my brain will return to some semblance of its pre-adderall state, but when I think back to how I was doing before I got on Adderall, I think, "OMG I DON'T WANT THAT BRAIN!!!" 

[NurseAddy]

@LuLamb Congratulations on 5 months! Holy hell! As you know, no matter what struggles you’re dealing with sober, are 10,000x better than the struggles of being high. So proud of you. Keep it up!