So anxious...

[DelaneyJuliette]

Will this anxiety ever go away?!  I know that's not a useful thing to focus on.  But it's SO overwhelming.  Too many things to do and not enough time in which to do them.  Ugh.  Breathe.  One thing at a time.  Today is Day 4. 

[LILTEX41]

Chunk everything down into small baby steps and then delight in the fact of accomplishing one chunk at a time.  Try to turn off any thoughts outside of the task at hand.  Recently, I've done this thing where I tell myself STOP THINKING and I try to just be aware of the present and my surroundings.  I learned it from Elkhart Tolle (The power of now).  It really does help!

[DelaneyJuliette]

40 minutes ago, LILTEX41 said:

Chunk everything down into small baby steps and then delight in the fact of accomplishing one chunk at a time.  Try to turn off any thoughts outside of the task at hand.  Recently, I've done this thing where I tell myself STOP THINKING and I try to just be aware of the present and my surroundings.  I learned it from Elkhart Tolle (The power of now).  It really does help!

Omg thank you so much.  I know this of course, but hearing it from someone other than myself is so so so helpful.  (Isn't that interesting?  I'm a therapist and I often wonder what it is I have to say that helps people... and then I'm the one who needs help and it is so helpful to remember how much I need other people, not just my own head - it's co-regulating to know that I'm not alone in this.)  Breathe in.... Breathe out.  Right now, I am going to go put in an order for my daughter's birthday cake.  Then return a couple of things.  That's it.  Wow, my mind went SO fast about how few hours there will be when I get back and how many things I have left to do for work today on my "day off."  Going to put in an order for cake.  That is all.  

[LuLamb]

2 hours ago, DelaneyJuliette said:

Will this anxiety ever go away?!  I know that's not a useful thing to focus on.  But it's SO overwhelming.  Too many things to do and not enough time in which to do them.  Ugh.  Breathe.  One thing at a time.  Today is Day 4. 

Congratulations on Day 4! What are your goals for today? What can you control? 

[Subtracterall]

The anxiety definitely went away for me.  It took a long time tho. My anxiety was so bad. It was chronic. But it became less little by little over time.  I haven’t had any anxiety in months.  Stick with it. You gotta get through this part and it will get better. 

[DelaneyJuliette]

OMG today is the first day I've SERIOUSLY bargained with myself about using.  I just imagined how nice it would be to be able to bang out a bunch of stuff right now and not care, and worry about the consequences later.  Omg i want to do that SO BADLY.  But, the thing holding me back is that i DO NOT want to go through this withdrawal process again.  And I don't want to lie to my husband and my therapist and I'd either have to lie or tell them the truth and obviously I wouldn't want to tell them the truth.  But god it is SO tempting.  OMG and just like that, PHYSICAL cravings came as a result of my thoughts.  Damn this brain is a tricky, tricky thing.  I won't do it, but it sure is tempting.  Okay, going back to breathing and one thing at a time.  There are SO. MANY. THINGS. TO. DO.  i am going to focus on chunks.  The problem is that even looking at my to do list creates panic.  But I literally can't just leave it all.  Ugh.  Okay, one thing at a time.  I don't have to do the whole to do list at once.  I can only do one thing at a time.   

[DelaneyJuliette]

OMG.  I can't believe it but I just found my old journal (clearly taking care of all of those things on my to do list that are giving me anxiety, lol) anyway, it was literally in 2016 that I was writing about how badly I wanted to take a week off of work and get off of my meds.  I can't believe it took almost 3 years to finally DO IT  (and not to mention that I scheduled outpatient surgery on Monday as a way to actually make myself take the week off and have a "reason" to.)  But, I am DOING IT.  If that's not reason enough to stay stopped, I don't know what is.  I will do it this time.  I can make this way of life a thing of the past.  I can and I will!  And I am not doing it alone!!!  So grateful for you peeps.  (Others do know, but here I can just say everything.)

[LILTEX41]

I just saw your response pop up in my email and I had to come back to tell you, IT'S A SIGN!!!  I LOVE it when my angels direct me and give me signs!!  And this makes my heart so happy for you!  I don't know if you believe in that stuff, but I sure do!  I've read our guardian angels are always trying to communicate with us and until we make a conscious choice to start looking for the signs, we might not see them.

I'm trying to think back to my last one... I can't think of any recently, but I do know the week before my car accident in which I should've died I got about 6 MAJOR signs from them that said, "SOBER UP!"  

Wait, I just found another one...  so my friend Kelsey and I love talking about the signs and we always text each other when we get them.  I just found one of our texts back from my accident.  This one is horribly sad, but again it was a sign from my angels.

So back this past year I got an email from change.org about this girl that died in a car accident because her car had faulty airbags.  https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/leticiamiranda/a-17-year-old-girl-died-after-a-defective-air-bag-ruptured-i

I normally don't pay attention to recalls on my car for some reason, but I read this email and even sent it to my mom because it was so horribly sad. THEN I got a notice that my car was recalled for the same airbags! I had a hondafit so for the first time ever I actually took it in and had them fixed.  

NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS would I have guessed I was going to get into a car accident that same year and ALL my airbags went off.  Who knows if they were bad, but all I know is my angels are with me all the time.   

Glad you found that journal entry!!  Hope it brightened your day.  You are doing this!!  Stay strong!!!

[DelaneyJuliette]

Reading my email made me feel kinda crazy, though it was definitely a reality check.  Time is a big blur on these meds.  (or should I say legal drugs, lol.)  Just cuz I was no longer doing anything illegal does NOT make me NOT impaired when I taket them, no matter wtf stupid stories I tell myself.  I know better.  You reaching back out to me though DID make my day.  Seriously.  I feel like you reaching back out was a sign.  I am 37 and a mom of 4.  I can't tell you how many times I have told myself that I have to stop b/c I'm going to get into a wreck -- messed up on no sleep for days, benzos, and tons of adderall (but feeling "normal" as I convincing myself that b/c i don't feel messed up, I'm not.)  There is NOTHING in the whole world more important to me than my babies.  NOTHING.  I am seriously sobbing right now as I type this b/c I am so grateful... I can't believe how many dangerous situations I've put us in and have gotten out with completely no actual consequences.  I am done with all of that.  If I go back on this after reading that article and your message it will literally be CHOOSING "meds" (drugs) over my kids.  I absolutely REFUSE to let that happen.  Thank you so so so much.  I am so grateful.  I feel like I was already sure that there was no going back, but your post put that crossroads right up in front of my face and showed me for REAL what the real deal is and what I'm choosing.  NO MORE JUSTIFICATIONS!  I literally will remember this for the rest of my life.  Thank you so much.  I literally can't stop crying (happy, resolved tears.)  God, this feels like back when I was in a twelve step program 8 years ago.  But that's okay and good bc I know this is real.  Thank you.  

[LILTEX41]

Ok, you're making a big impact on me and I am grateful to have someone I can be helpful to right now!  I want you to really understand my situation so this doesn't happen to you and you CAN break free NOW before anything bad happens like it did to me!  

I have not brought this up on this forum because I've been too scared to post about it, but I want to tell you something.   There were only a few times I went back and got adderall during my slip of the past few years.  I had just recently found a few people who would sell them to me.  The day of my accident I had just gotten some pills because I needed to sober up for work and I was freaking the hell out.  WELL, they were sitting on my passenger seat and I had just popped the first one an hour before the accident.  It had just kicked in and I was going about 80-100 mph because I was so high and trying to get to work on time.  It was POURING down rain so I hydroplaned.  THEN as soon as the semi hit and the car stopped, I came to with all the airbags deployed and my first thought was GRAB THE PILLS!!  I put them in my pocket, right?  Well, I wasn't thinking straight to say the least.  The cops came, gave me a sobriety test, and then searched me and found them.  I was charged with a freaking FELONY!  I then went on and did outpatient rehab and EVERYTHING I possibly could to get it dismissed.  It has been dismissed now THANK GOD and I just have to go get the records sealed next week.  PLEASE use this for your benefit and let it be another sign to stay clean.  I hope this helps.  Hugs!

[DelaneyJuliette]

I'm so incredibly grateful for your honesty and your vulnerability.  I 100% completely understand the being too scared to post about it.  This site has allowed me to become more and more vulnerable and raw and real, and ultimately, I do know that is one of the components that is integral in this working.  That's one of the reasons that it was able to go on for so long - because I never REALLY let anyone in all the way into what I was back doing.  A little bit here and there, but not all the way.  I can't tell you the number of times I've rushed to work amped up on adderall (often trying to sober up from something else and the adderall "working") just trying to make it on time.  And the self-justifications!  Oh my goodness!  I am remembering that I quit speeding after hearing a sober keynote speaker at a professional convention talk about how she made the decision that she didn't want to live that way anymore (holy crap... that was the same woman whose speech gave me the "aha" that I had a "for real" drinking problem 9ish years ago.)  I only drank a handful of times over the 9 years, but... man... I sure did get enough prescriptions for "downers" that my body didn't give a shit if it was alcohol or in pill form.  (And neither would the road have cared if I was still driving...)  And, I only "really" used the downers to balance out the adderall anyway, so it wasn't like I was abusing them (wtf?! As I type this I am SO aware of my insanity....)  Anyway, I really did quit speeding!  It was just a decision!  But...  guess what I didn't quit?  Running yellow(ish) lights.  I got 3 red light tickets in less than a year.  (maybe even like 6 months!)  And I got MAD when my husband got mad at me for that!!  It was all "justified" in my mind because I wasn't speeding anymore and yellow lights are safe.... (nevermind the person who told me the story about having just taken traffic school and citing some actual statistic of accidents that happen b/c of people who run yellow/red lights and the other light isn't timed right and there's a head on collision -- I literally laughed off his concern and had told him I know there's "a significant delay" between one light turning red and the other turning green.)  I'm shaking my head as I type this.  Anyway, I was doing ALL of this while texing whole conversations to people.  Sometimes I'd even end up totally lost and really late for somewhere (including picking up my kids from something) b/c I'd finally look up and realize that I was lost.  Like... in my own town (wow, it's not often I feel so much shame.  Yikes...  okay but it's not happening right now, and what IS happening is that I am sitting here typing where potentially my words can impact another person.  Shame isn't useful, presence is.  Okay, breathe.)  Wow.  I cannot believe how lucky I am.  Literally, wtf.  I want you to know that you have changed my life.  Literally.  I know I can only make a choice about my next action right now, but having this conversation has been like the hammer that has nailed this all in.  I am so done with all of that.  SO DONE.  I have to be.  Because again, if I go back on this decision now, it is literally me choosing to put whatever bullshit I feel is "urgent" in the moment ahead of my most important everything -- my kids.  Whatever "feelings" I "don't feel like tolerating" will literally be me choosing that over them.  And if I have written this and posted it, and then I go back on everything I've just said that is 100% authentic and raw and real, and I try to "self-justify" my way out of it, I won't be okay with myself.  I know that we can't go back and make things different than they already are right now.  But we CAN be causative and make things different going forward.  And THAT is what I am choosing right now.  I am so grateful.  

[m34]

I know It feels like it will never go away! It will. Right now you are in the worse part. I had rolling anxiety the first 10 days. I don’t know why I called it rolling. 
 

It felt like it was rushing through me.  As if everything was falling through my finger tips ( literally and figuratively). 
 

Have you tried binaural beats ? I listened to those a lot in the beginning.  It helped calm me down. Also, GABA worked for anxiety. At least it took the edge off some days.  (if you are taking supplements). 

Hang on because it does get better. Wish there was a perfect withdrawal formula, but it’s a lot of trial and error 

[m34]

@LILTEX41 and @DelaneyJuliette I was on adderall for every fender bender I’ve ever been in over the yrs. I never put that together until a couple months ago. Crazy how I never realized. 
 

I’m lucky that they weren’t worse. I was always running late, lost, or distracted when driving.

[DelaneyJuliette]

@m34, is there any particular "binaural beat" you like?  I had never heard of it before you mentioned it.  I am having trouble sleeping and that is something I'm not used to.  I keep waking up at like 3am and not being able to go back to sleep.  So I finally get  to try to get some of the things done that are driving the anxious thoughts and my brain won't let me focus!  Argh!!  "Rolling anxiety" is the perfect description - like it's rushing through me.  Ugh.  I feel like I picked the craziest time to try to do this - so many things going on!  But I can do this.  Today is Day 5.  So grateful for the connection and support.  I went to my daughters holiday concert at school last night and it was nice.  A part of me knows that I will get through all of this.  Another part just isn't sure yet just quite HOW...  

[LILTEX41]

@DelaneyJuliette

Wow, I'm so glad you are feeling the joy of being raw and vulnerable here!  Thank you for sharing all your experiences too!  That day of the accident is an absolute testimony of what adderall does to me!  I don't usually ever go more than 5 maybe 10 miles over the speed limit.  The fact that I was driving insane like that in horrible conditions just goes to show how invincible I felt being on adderall.  It had literally just kicked in and I hadn't had any in a long time.  I felt like superman.  So insane!!!  I am just so blessed that nobody got hurt besides me (I did break a tiny bone in my back), but I should seriously be dead.  

Anyhow, like you were saying there is so much relief in coming CLEAN!  You know the craziest thing happened during the accident.  After I was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car I actually laughed to myself because I thought, "Thank GOD this is over.  I will never have to go through this again." I knew I was done with ALL OF IT.  No more.  NEVER AGAIN.  And since then I have felt this tremendous freedom because I don't have to hide anything from anyone.  I don't really care what anyone thinks of me today.  I F-D up BIG TIME, but the past is the past and all I can do is move forward now and be grateful I didn't keep spiraling out of control for the next however many years.  I'm coming up on the 6 month mark as of Christmas and that feels so amazing.  Everyday this all moves farther and farther away from me and all I can do now is look to a brighter future and learn from the past.

Like you said, posting all this out on this site creates some serious accountability because you know once it's out there you don't want to have to come back and say you went backwards again.  Every time I post anything anywhere I just look at it as another deposit into my recovery.  As many days as I have urges and cravings to go back to using the logic part of my brain knows that is a horrible idea and to keep at this recovery thing until it no longer is a struggle again someday.  When I look back to what made me start all this up again it had to do with some relationships that weren't exactly closed off.  I followed little crumbs thrown at me until I jumped off the ledge of insanity again.  Makes me pretty sick to think that I gave up 18 months clean for nothing as of course those relationships fell apart eventually and I'm the one who ended up with a OMVI, destroyed car, and about $20k spent on cleaning up the entire mess.  Not quite the fairytale ending.  BUT at least I'm not dead, I'm not paralyzed, I did't hurt anyone, and I made it back to the path of recovery.  I could've chosen differently.  It's amazing the blessings that come with recovery.  Do you know that since I got sober on 6/25/19, I went on and did a half ironman a month later, won 2nd place for my age group in a half marathon 2 months after that, and then went on and qualified for the Boston marathon (my 2nd time since I was 22 and have been dreaming about for all these years since as I never ran it the first time I qualified) in October?  I literally randomly signed up for the marathon not thinking I could even do it since I had a broken bone.  I tried to sign up for the half, but there was a cheaper deal on craigslist from some guy selling his bib.  Anyhow, I mention all of this because it's UNREAL what you can achieve sober or at least how drastically different my life is in recovery.  EVERYTHING gets better.  It's just the drugs tricking you that can't function without them.  ESPECIALLY ADDERALL.  But I know that I know that I know that my life is a MILLION TIMES BETTER OFF without it!  

Anyhow, I just typed out an essay.  Sorry about that, lol.  I have so much on my mind.  Message me if you need someone to reach out to if you're feeling down!  I love helping others whenever possible.  It helps keep me clean!

Much love!!

LT

P.s.  I wanted to share one more thing I found last night.  Remember the signs I mentioned yesterday?  I looked up my sobriety date under the angel number signs and this is what it says.  I thought it was pretty awesome!  #SIGNS

Angel number 625 meaning shows that this is the time for you to make some necessary but very important changes in your life. This change will help open new and eventful opportunities in your life. These opportunities will lead to your growth and expansion in the right direction. As much as change is difficult, adapt to it for your own benefit.

[DelaneyJuliette]

I loved reading your response.    I am super anxious again right now but it's really interesting b/c I wasn't a little bit ago.  Like, I had these minutes I had to get done for a board of directors meeting that I'm not going to (but I am the secretary) and doing them is the BANE OF MY ADD EXISTANCE!!!  So i literally waited until the very last minute and got them done on adrenaline.  Which sucked, but was also a good reminder that I CAN do things without adderall... I just have to figure out how to not do it like THAT, but I don't have to figure that out today.  Anyway, after getting them done I felt much calmer and regulated, like I was going to be able to tackle one thing at a time on my to do list, but right now I am back to that crazy anxious feeling as I watch the clock and see the time ticking away... only 6 more hours left to "get it all done."  omg that is not helpful lol.  Okay, one thing at a time.  I can use what I did this morning and apply it to the next things on my to do list.  I blocked everything else out and said I had to do the minutes.  Breathe.  

[DelaneyJuliette]

3 hours ago, LILTEX41 said:

@DelaneyJuliette

After I was handcuffed and put in the back of the police car I actually laughed to myself because I thought, "Thank GOD this is over.  I will never have to go through this again."

I absolutely love this.  I can totally relate!

 

3 hours ago, LILTEX41 said:

 

 

 

[LILTEX41]

On 12/13/2019 at 10:09 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

I loved reading your response.    I am super anxious again right now but it's really interesting b/c I wasn't a little bit ago.  Like, I had these minutes I had to get done for a board of directors meeting that I'm not going to (but I am the secretary) and doing them is the BANE OF MY ADD EXISTANCE!!!  So i literally waited until the very last minute and got them done on adrenaline.  Which sucked, but was also a good reminder that I CAN do things without adderall... I just have to figure out how to not do it like THAT, but I don't have to figure that out today.  Anyway, after getting them done I felt much calmer and regulated, like I was going to be able to tackle one thing at a time on my to do list, but right now I am back to that crazy anxious feeling as I watch the clock and see the time ticking away... only 6 more hours left to "get it all done."  omg that is not helpful lol.  Okay, one thing at a time.  I can use what I did this morning and apply it to the next things on my to do list.  I blocked everything else out and said I had to do the minutes.  Breathe.  

Good morning!!  Happy Saturday! I hope you are off work today and successfully made it through the day yesterday.  Did you get it all done?  

You inspired me to listen to more of this book yesterday, "The Power of Now" because I started thinking about it and realized I had only listened to a small chunk.  It's pretty good so far.  I'm not sure I understand how it helps as far as tackling our to do lists and everyday life, but it's been really helpful with racing thoughts.  

Is there any way you could cut your workload down or go part time during your quit?  I feel like you need  a break to readjust to life without the orange monsters!

[m34]

https://youtu.be/LFGsZ6ythQQ

here is an example of one that helped, of course who knows if it’s placebo. I still listen to this one a lot. If you look below or enter energizing beats; study beats; sleep,creative etc it will pull up more. 

[LILTEX41]

2 hours ago, m34 said:

https://youtu.be/LFGsZ6ythQQ

here is an example of one that helped, of course who knows if it’s placebo. I still listen to this one a lot. If you look below or enter energizing beats; study beats; sleep,creative etc it will pull up more. 

I love those videos! I like them for couch naps especially. The image is kind of scary looking though, lol.  Thanks for sharing!

[LILTEX41]

@DelaneyJuliette - Where you at girl?!  You okay??

[m34]

Yes

pic is so creepy, lol! @LILTEX41               

[DelaneyJuliette]

HEY!!!  I'm here!!!  Today is Day 11.  Oh my goodness this has been the craziest 7 days since I last posted.  On Saturday I tried to take a Gabapentin to help with the anxiety and it totally put me into this super weird zoned out space and I felt like I was totally on something.  I didn't like it but it totally made me want to say F it and use.  I didn't.  I had a lock in for my daughter's bday and I stayed up til 3am with a bunch of 7-11 year olds.  I couldn't sleep and only got about 30 min of sleep but I made it through.  Then I made it through the next day feeling sick and icky.  Then I made it through the busiest week at work and was actually way less triggered than I thought I would be.  I was so anxious I was running on fumes, and in a weird way that was helpful b/c I was expecting to be in that exhausted, groggy, can't think space.  I still couldn't think clearly but at least I had energy lol.  Several days I woke up at 3am unable to go back to sleep.  Interestingly, today has been the hardest day I have had so far as far as urges go.  We were supposed to leave to drive 16 hours over the night tonight to get to my parents house for the holidays.  (I'm not driving; my husband is.)  I literally almost took a 5mg pill a few minutes ago.  I didn't; I came on here instead.  I've been meaning to sign on here a bunch of times and post, but I just haven't.  I will commit to doing it more often, b/c even just now, after posting, I'm sure again that I'm not going to do it.  And then I just spent 15 minutes mindlessly scrolling through the internet and now I'm having another huge craving.  It's because again I have too much that I need to do in too little time.  But it's not worth it.  I find myself telling myself that there is NO WAY i am going to abuse it; i am only going to take 5mg so I can get this stuff done.  All I need to do is pack and get in the car.  There's already NO WAY  to leave tonight and honestly no way to realistically leave tomorrow morning.  FUCK.  I'm so frustrated!!!  UGH.  Okay, this doesn't really matter.  What does matter is all of the stuff i have posted about before.  My kids, my health, my life, etc.  I can do this.  I won't give in.  I'll check back on here and stay accountable; I promise.  Honestly one main reason that I haven't given in is this forum.  (Also, I do NOT want to go through that withdrawal again!!!  I am still in the withdrawal -- which is so crazy to me -- how is something with such a short half life still fucking me up 11 days later?!?!  Oh, maybe b/c I used it for 8 years and badly abused it for ab 5 of those years...?)   But it's not as bad as it was 9 days ago so that's a relief.  

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 12/13/2019 at 5:45 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

@m34, is there any particular "binaural beat" you like?  I had never heard of it before you mentioned it.  I am having trouble sleeping and that is something I'm not used to.  I keep waking up at like 3am and not being able to go back to sleep.  So I finally get  to try to get some of the things done that are driving the anxious thoughts and my brain won't let me focus!  Argh!!  "Rolling anxiety" is the perfect description - like it's rushing through me.  Ugh.  I feel like I picked the craziest time to try to do this - so many things going on!  But I can do this.  Today is Day 5.  So grateful for the connection and support.  I went to my daughters holiday concert at school last night and it was nice.  A part of me knows that I will get through all of this.  Another part just isn't sure yet just quite HOW...  

Fuck.  This was almost a year ago.  I just want to be transported back there.  This is giving me a little bit more motivation to want to quit...