My first post / My adderall story / 48 days clean

[Abby]

Man, where to even begin…I started taking Adderall 3+ years ago after saying what I needed to say to my doctor in order to get a prescription. Was prescribed 20mg tablets twice a day. I knew I probably didn’t “need” them for ADHD or anything but I had taken them from friends in the past and liked how I felt on them. I was also starting my first business at the time, working for myself full time – so I thought the Adderall would give me an edge up on that as well…thinking I should take all the “help” I could get while I was starting things up. What I would give to go back to that moment and do things differently...

 

Like for everyone, Adderall was great at the beginning. Got shit done client after client. Pulled all-nighters every so often when I had a hard deadline to make. Etc. etc. I barely ate or slept. I’m a 5’8” 32 year old woman and at my lowest, I got down to 105 pounds. My normal/healthy/slender weight was usually 125-130 lbs. So in my crazy Adderall-ridden mind that weight loss was a “benefit” when I absolutely didn’t have 20+ pounds to lose. So unhealthy looking back on it now.

 

I honestly don’t remember when exactly I started to abuse it, probably about a year in or so. I feel like the abuse happened so gradually that I didn’t believe it was actually becoming a problem. At some point I started taking a few more pills a day and making them last by not taking them on the weekends. Started pulling at least one all-nighter a week, if not 2 or 3 – sometimes those all-nighters would be in a row. Then just swallowing the pills wasn’t enough for me and I started crushing and snorting the pills pretty much all of the time rather than ingesting it. Working from home by yourself when you’re addicted to snorting Adderall was not a good combination – I could do it as much as I wanted throughout the day and easily hide it from my live-in boyfriend. Then I started running out of my script early each month. I lived my life 3 weeks “on” / 1 week “off” for probably a year. Get as much done as I possibly could for my work in those 3 weeks, and know I’d be a zombie that last week until I could refill my script again, and that hell would start all over again. It was easy to do and hide since I worked from home so no one knew if I wasn’t working for that “off” week. Not even my boyfriend. Earlier this year, we took an 8 hour road trip and I couldn’t even go without snorting it during the drive so I made my boyfriend stop at rest areas twice to “pee” aka snort lines of Adderall off of a rest stop toilet seat (that was the only flat-ish surface in the stalls). Fucking disgusting, I know. Fast forward to this past June 2019, and I was snorting my month’s worth of pills in about 10-14 days.  After not sleeping for 3 nights in a row, on the morning of June 7^th, I remember praying to God (and I’m not even that religious) that if he would help me get through that day without my heart giving out, I would get my Adderall abuse under control. That was my “aha” moment.

 

The next day I came clean to my mom and boyfriend about how much I had really been abusing it and that I needed support in getting off of it. It had been my dirty little secret for way too long. Over the last 5-6 months I relapsed and secretly got my Adderall prescription twice, saw a mental health nurse practicioner who prescribed me Vyvanse to try for a month since you can’t snort that, but I still just took more pills a day than I was supposed to. I obviously couldn’t be on any type of stimulant, period.

 

As it stands today, I am 48 days without Adderall or any stimulants. It’s definitely been a roller coaster. This week I’m feeling pretty good. Last week I was the worst I had been during all of those 48 days. The hardest part for me is how truly AGONIZING it feels to work without Adderall. While on those devil pills, I used to LOVE to work. All hours of the day. I would choose staying home to work over doing ANYTHING else…with friends, family…on weekends, weeknights. It didn’t matter, as long as I had my orange little sidekicks helping me out, I was happiest by myself, on my couch, laptop on my lap and working away on my businesses…or anything else my mind would wander off to and start obsessing over.

 

I miss how passionate I felt about my work while on Adderall. But I know it got to the point where I wasn’t even being productive anymore because I was so high and manic. I would pace my house for 3 hours thinking about an idea that popped in my head, that had little or nothing to do with growing my business, rather than complete the 50 million things on my actual to-do list. I would focus so intently on a task that should have taken 10 min for over an hour until I had it “perfect” – even though it was a completely unimportant detail.

 

But I know I was passionate and productive before the Adderall and my mind just “thinks” it needs Adderall to function or feel excited – which is a lie. I told my doctor about a month ago to no longer prescribe me Adderall and was pretty honest with her. Cutting off my supply was absolutely imperative to making it to 48 days.

 

Last week I was SO close to relapsing. Finding any way to get Adderall or Vyvanse, ANYTHING that could help me to work. If I don’t work = I don’t make money. But I got through it with the help of my boyfriend and mom, and I’m so glad I did because this week I feel so good. And I think it’s thanks to upping my dosages on some other medications I’ve been prescribed over the last 2 months (anti-depressents + a non-stimulant ADHD med). I almost don’t want to jinx it, but I’ve felt awake and productive for the last 3 days now. Legit night and day from last week. I got shit done last night that I’ve literally been trying to force myself to do for months on end. I hope it’s not too good to be true though. I’ll make a post soon in the Supplements, Energy Drinks, and Alternatives forum about my meds journey over the last couple months, and where it stands today that seems to be helping. I’ll report back in a week if it still feels like it’s working. Fingers crossed! This is the most positive I’ve felt throughout this whole journey.

 

I’ve been reading your posts on this website for months now, and finally wanted to join the conversation myself. Can’t tell you how much it’s helped knowing there’s other people going through what I am. No one else fully understands what this is all like. Thankful for this community J

[SleepyStupid]

On 12/22/2019 at 2:43 PM, Abby said:

I’ve been reading your posts on this website for months now, and finally wanted to join the conversation myself. Can’t tell you how much it’s helped knowing there’s other people going through what I am. No one else fully understands what this is all like. Thankful for this community J

thanks for joining us and sharing your story (:

glad to hear that you're managing without stimulants. have to admit that Wellbutrin was the key for me, and i still take it.

that story about doing lines in the bathroom brought back some pretty shameful memories of myself lol, but glad we're all past that!

congrats on 48 days - keep us posted!