20 Months Out. Struggling.

[DrewK15]

Hey guys, it’s been 20 months since I used or drank, and I’m having a really hard time right now. I feel close to some kind of relapse. Probably some kind of nicotine (I’m 10 1/2 months off). I can’t lift my mood with anything including exercise and I know nicotine would at least provide some kind of relief. I’ve definitely gone through some good times in recovery, but I still can’t find a job. I could probably go do something minimum wage, but I’d never be able to move away from home again, get married, etc.. My whole life feels like a total waste. I can’t believe I messed it up this bad. Trying to hold onto hope that maybe things will get better someday. It’s so hard to hold on.

[m34]

Congrats on 20 months. From where I sit that sounds like so much progress. You don’t want to find a job on adderall again. It will be one you can’t sustain. 

 My workload is increasing. Feel like I need to get a script just to keep up. Beginning 12 months clean and barely hanging on. 
 

This company hired me off adderall, but ONLY because they knew me back when I was on adderall. I was a work a holic.  If that makes sense: Little did they know I had my speedy helpers back then and not now) I was a “go getter”, worked way to much. Now I’m doing the bare minimum. 
 

I think they keep hoping I’ll whip up some magic, and I’m just out of tricks at this point.
Sales is so hard when the real you is an introvert!!! I’m trapped in my own exhausted hell. Ultimately, I see this ending in either a script or me quitting. 
 

Guess my point is, I should have waited and found a job I love in a different field. 
 

I bet it will be the best feeling when you DO get hired and you WILL.  It is worth waiting a couple more months. Think of this as a fresh start. Find a job you love, while you are clean. 

 

[SleepyStupid]

 hi @DrewK15

sorry to hear about your struggles. job hunting can be really rough - i recently put a ton of effort into it, went through 4 rounds with a really cool company, felt SO confident about it.. and well it didn't work out. it was really disappointing, and honestly i'm not sure i have the energy to try again just yet. but i keep reminding myself that all the effort, research, rehearsing etc. isn't wasted. every interview is an opportunity to learn and refine your professional story.

if you're not hurting for money, i would agree that going down the minimum wage route would be a waste. that time would be better spent keeping at the interview game and finding something that is more meaningful. what's your preferred field of work, if you don't mind me asking?

[DrewK15]

@sleepystupid thanks for the encouragement. I guess I’m not hurting for money per se. My needs are met, but my folks are the ones supporting me financially right now and I’d like to get myself on my feet and out on my own again. 
 

The preferred field of work thing is though. Like any true ADD/addict I’ve jumped from thing to thing. Have a highly specialized Bachelor’s degree I can’t use because I left the field and didn’t get certified after graduating. Worked in financial services/sales/advisory for 2 years. And then was a jack of all trades for a family business (real estate/building contractor) for 3 years or so. Project management/business administration, bookkeeping, HR, logistics, executive assistant, legal, Payables/receivables, etc. I did so so much on a day to day basis and it was an insane responsibility, but left me with a scattered skill set. I like communicating/teaching/problem solving in a professional environment, so I’m trying to go the project/relationship management route, but it’s been really tough to break through without connections. I’m finding I’m too qualified for a lot of lower paying jobs, and not qualified enough for better ones and that been a tough issue to solve so far. 

[skylounger]

@DrewK15 Your post spoke out to me, and I created an account to make my first post here! I'm 21 months clean from adderall/amphetamines, and 7 months clean from everything else (alcohol/weed). Even though it's been over a year and a half, I barely *feel* any better than originally after quitting adderall, in terms of how much focus or confidence I have.

Even though my degree + (limited) experience could get me a pretty well paid job, I'm incapable of making decisions on the fly and performing without the adderall. I've recently come to a realization that I need to get a minimum wage job so I don't melt away even more at my parent's house.. I also share your fear of never being able to move out of my parent's house or get married. I'm starting to get used to relying on my folks and it isn't a good feeling.

It's interesting you posted about nicotine -- I just relapsed on nicotine today after a month or so off of it. It gave me a momentary dopamine boost when taking the first couple hits, so maybe a small mood lift but then it's back to normal pretty much. Do you have anything else to lift your mood such as hobbies?

[DrewK15]

Hi @skylounger, welcome to the forums! I enjoy running and exercise which helps. I also have done some volunteer work coaching youth soccer and working with kids. I do enjoy that. My girlfriend of 10 months is really into horses, so I’ve spent time with her out at the barn and that’s a peaceful environment for me. I used to get really fired up about golfing, watching sports, and video games, but I haven’t really renewed the same love for those things that I once had. I got rid of video games altogether, haven’t golfed in 4 months and watched like 2 football games this year. It’s a little confusing because I always loved those things even before Adderall. Nothing really gets me excited anymore. I hope to get a good job, marry my girl, and have a couple kids, but beyond that I feel a lot of me has died. I know I’m only 28, but it’s easy for me to feel in my heart like life has passed me by. I stayed strong on the nicotine. I figured it would only set me back and not be worth it. Thanks for the post, it’s nice to feel not alone.