Relapse

[sweetupbaaby]

I feel like this was inevitable due to keeping Adderall in my house, when I should have flushed it a long time ago.

I thought I would keep myself accountable and tell you guys.

I still have half a months supply and was keeping it for "emergency" days. Today, I had a trigger that was stronger than my will power. I had family come to visit and my social anxiety kicked into overdrive. I felt like there was no way I was going to be able to sit and socialize with my fam and I started freaking out in my room. I feel like something whispered "Adderall" into the pit of my soul and truly I just went for it.

I took 20mg XR and the worst part is that I love it so much. That along with a few patio drinks and I was feeling A1. This was the feeling that I missed so much, for the first time in almost two months I felt alive, and my "personality" was back in full swing. However...when it started to wear off after 4 hours I realized this is why I quit. Because it wasn't long before some sadistic feeling was nagging me to take another 20mg... but I refuse to get back into that cycle after all the hard work I have done.

This is not a sustainable way to live. I'm finding it so hard to live through months of hopelessness and depression when relief is within my grasp. It's such a battle and I wish I never took Adderall to begin with. I see everyone partying for the long weekend and it hit a nerve with me. I haven't had fun or smiled in so long. Adderall is such a dangerous drug for that reason. That superficial joy is dangerous. At this point, I feel stupid for taking that pill because I am only delaying my progress.

I don't want this life. I remember stimulant-induced psychosis..I think that alone is enough to keep me away for life.

How do you guys deal with a relapse, if and when it happened? How do you stop beating yourself up?

P.s. I also realize that I cannot drink alcohol at this time. I'm going to try to commit to being completely sober until 2021. This was the first time I have consumed alcohol in 6 months and I was finding it hard to control myself. I think any mind-altering substance is just going to make recovery that much harder.