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About sweetupbaaby

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  • Birthday October 10

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    Toronto, Ontario
  1. A lapse in time

    Absolutely..I think I overestimated my ability to handle the stress of being off Adderall, being at work full time and still pushing myself at the pace I was going while I was still taking it. I quit smoking last week and I'm determined to stay that way. I told my doctor I want off the Adderall completely within the next 3 months and told him to hold me to it, I will have to figure out a plan of action, but I am just trying to take it day by day! Thanks for your kind words and I'm excited for my future because I know I will overcome this like I did in the past.
  2. A lapse in time

    Thank you so much. Please do pray for me. I pray to God day and night to deliver me from these demons. I will continue to rely on Him to get me through this. Thank you for your kind words.
  3. A lapse in time

    I am trying to find an outpatient program to help me. I have been looking for online NA meetings and a sponsor but cannot find what I am looking for. It's really stressful being back in this situation. I feel like I am again trapped in hell and wish I never picked up Adderall again. But you will hear of my success story soon enough and I know this is just a bump in the road. I have faith even though things look bleak.
  4. A lapse in time

    Hey all. I haven't been to the forums in a while and it's because I have been embarrassed of where my mental health has been. I went through a period of time where the new medication I was prescribed (Cipralex) led me to have severe fatigue and depression. I had been keeping a bottle of unused 20mg Adderall pills in my closet. About a month's worth of 80mg a day. Long story short, this led me down a very dark path for the last two months. I started to justify using only 20mg a day to give me a boost at work and to improve my mood. And this is exactly why an addict cannot go back to using at any costs, even for a short term period, or every once in a while. After a few weeks, the 20mg had plateaued and I had forgotten I had only been using it to keep my baseline energy level at work, and not for the high. However, I am an addict, and that did not fly. I started to justify taking 20mg in the morning and then 20mg in the afternoon to give me the energy to get chores done at home too. Because if I were taking it for the energy boost at work, then I would need the same energy for home activities...right...? A month and a half later I was back to using 80mg-120mg daily along with 20mg of Cipralex, 150mg of Wellbutrin and 1mg of clonazepam daily (abusing this as well, then going days without any) I guess I had forgotten I had a benzo addiction in the past. I had quit smoking for 6 months and was proud of my success- I found myself now back to smoking a pack a day (because nicotine is life on stimulants). I have wanted to come on here to talk to you guys but I have been ashamed of my regress. I am finally back. I have had enough. That bottle of amphetamine salts emptied itself faster than it would in my initial addiction back in January of this year. It grabs a hold of you and makes you it's bitch. It will make you justify using at any cost. The shame I feel is immense, but I have a newfound hope as well. I truly believe things are different this time. I watched myself spiral so fast, and that scared the hell out of me. To see how quickly this drug could grab ahold of my life again. I had that 80mg a day prescription leftover from my doctor who retired, so there is no way I can get my hands back on that amount of Adderall unless I had the nerve to seriously doctor shop. My doctor has upped my Wellbutrin dose to 300mg which will help with smoking cessation and coming off the amount of Adderall I currently take which is 20mg a day. I hope to taper down to 0mg within a month or two. I am still hesitant about that, but I think I have had a real shift in perspective in the past few months. I am powerless to my DOC. It takes over my life. I thought I was strong enough to control my use. I also have a new quit date for smoking for this Thursday. Let this be a warning to users who feel like it's okay to go back to occasional use. You will regret it. I feel like a lot of my progress has been undone. But I will never quit trying to get sober from this Demon drug. Experts say relapse starts in the mind long before the physical relapse happens. When you find yourself starting to justify using in your head- nip it in the bud. It will manifest into physical use if you do not seek help.
  5. One Word Status Update

  6. One Word Status Update

    Disillusioned! Good days and bad days though. Stay strong!
  7. Gaining clarity

    1. Amageoni
    2. Frumkis386



    3. Frumkis386



  8. Another relapse...

    absolutely- fear was my initial motivator too!!! Well, it was fear combined with severe adderall-induced psychosis, so the fear was definitely exaggerated but it was a fear for my life nonetheless. I thank God for that psychosis, otherwise, I probably would have OD by now. I was headed for death, I really do think I was on death's door. Something had to give. Sometimes fear is the best tool to get things done, especially if your stubborn ASF like I am. Unfortunately, I never learn my lesson with anything until things get really bad and I suffer some sort of consequence to make me change. I wish I could learn to change bad behavior before it escalates to that point, and I am working on it and making progress!
  9. Another relapse...

    This is what it takes I swear!!! Dedication over motivation I always tell myself. I feel like working out 0% of the time, but I still do and I feel so much better afterward. If we live by our feelings we will never get anything done. Maybe someday I will feel inclined to actually want to work out, but while the passion is lacking right now, I have to lean on dedication to get me through. Actually, always leaning on dedication is what will get you through. Like I said, motivation is fleeting and cannot be depended on to get things done.
  10. Another relapse...

    Hey my friend. Above everything else- congratulations on your sobriety journey and for reflecting on your behavior, acknowledging that there is a problem, taking the step to quit Adderall, and actually doing it. As addicts, we are terribly hard on ourselves- and just those steps alone were an act of courage and you have maintained them for some time so give yourself props because we all know this is not easy! I too, am similar to you in many ways. Before I quit Adderall, I was a bartender which led me to drink on shift and after shift every night. I was the manager of said restaurant and was able to make my own rules concerning how much alcohol consumption was allowed from myself and employees and I allowed a lot of it. Customers bought me shots, employees would bribe me with drinks to get off early, and I would sit down and drink excessively after every shift. The more I drank, the more it triggered Adderall cravings. In my worst days of Adderal abuse- around 240mg XR a day, I was drinking excessively as well. When I was taking Adderall, I could not feel the effects of alcohol and so I could drink like a bottomless pit. That's so dangerous and definitely in overdose territory. I was also on anti-psychotic meds which were not to be mixed with alcohol at all. Not to mention all of the recreational drugs on top of that. I didn't care though. I can relate, I didn't want to die, I just didn't really care what would happen if something bad were to happen. I would deal with it then I guess, was my thinking. Adderall triggered all of my other drug-related habits. It was a ritual for me. I would pop my addy, the initial buzz would creep up- that's when I headed outside with my cigarettes and a few rolled blunts- smoke a blunt and a shit load of cigarettes and either chill on my laptop for hours and hours and write meaningless, incoherent, manic-related posts on reddit forums...or I would head to a bar to get a better buzz. (looking back at the posts I made while tweaked out is so embarrassing btw) Getting clean from Addy made me have to throw away all of my triggers. I quit smoking cigs. I quit smoking weed. I quit drinking alcohol. I now have to stay away from all recreational drugs because for me it's all or nothing. I party hard and don't give a shit, or I don't at all. I realize there is no gray area in my life and for that reason, I border on the safe side now. This wasn't easy and it took everything out of me to stay clean, with many relapses. My self-talk to stay clean from Adderall is just experiences that came from many, many relapses. It was a process that taught me, and not something that I can teach someone else. It's something you have to go through. I just got fed up with relapsing and thinking that things would be different and it always led me back to square one. I have just come to realize that I love Adderall, and there are great pros to taking it but there are even greater cons- and the cons outweigh the pros every time. With weighing these pros and cons, it makes sense to then make the decision to not consume it any longer. However, certain days creep up, and I will justify taking a 20mg pill. Sometimes this will go on for a week or so. I have stopped keeping track of my relapses because it doesn't really matter how many times I relapse, to be honest. It matters the direction which I am headed- and my sober days outweigh my days on Adderall since I quit. Yeah, every few months, I might take a few addys for a week- then realize it's not worth it and come off them again. This is not a failure- it teaches me and strengthens my resolve every time. Learning to look at our relapse differently is so important. Making a big deal out of it and acting like you're the only one it had ever happened too strengthens the blow of the incident and makes you feel inadequate and like all progress is lost. This is not true. It's just a bump in the road and you get back up and try again. Every time I relapse, I get back up and try again. Life is a series of making mistakes or relapsing- in our experience, and then taking something from that experience and trying again. Get knocked down, get up. Over and over and over until something sticks. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. And that's life. It strengthens our character and makes us stronger people. The fact that you want to binge on all drugs as a reward leads me to think you are running from something. I was like that too and I sought therapy. It has really helped me to get a second opinion and to just tell my story to someone else has freed me from the weight of my experiences. I use to binge on drugs to cope. But the tools I received from therapy have helped to stop me in my tracks and observe what I am feeling- target the trigger, feel the emotion, investigate it, nurture it and let it run it's course. We will be tempted all the time throughout life- but you don't have to give in or act on your temptations. And if you do- it's okay. Take something from the experience and try again. Keep getting up. Over and over and over. The only time we truly fail is if we refuse to get back up. I wish you the best of luck my friend and I hope my words can be somewhat helpful. You will figure it out in your own unique way, using your own unique insight. You know your strengths and weakness and you will find a plan to stay sober that works for you. Keep coming to this forum too- we are always here to help.
  11. 18 months clean. Hang in there, it’s worth it

    Wow, thank you so much for this inspiring post. Was much needed!!
  12. Quit quitting

    EMDR therapy is great. So far, I have been using all of my sessions as just talk therapy for now. Because in order to start the de-sensitization process of it where you actually access the trauma, you need to be able to stay in the present moment. My therapist gives me a dissociation quiz every few weeks to see if I am able to stay present while we access the trauma together but so far I am still engaging in high levels of dissociation, so once my new meds start to kick in, and hopefully incorporating mindfulness more, I will be ready to start the actual EMDR process very shortly. However, the talk therapy we do is great- she's really helping me to access some great understanding as to why I feel the way I do and that I am not abnormal, I am just in a state where my body and mind are feeling emotionally unsafe and I am actively reacting to trauma on a daily basis from various triggers. My aunt had done EMDR and she was BLOWN AWAY at how effective it was. It can be challenging to revisit old trauma but you feel so free after the thoughts surrounding the trauma have been desensitized. Mind you, the sessions are not cheap at all lol but I believe it's totally worth my money. I will keep you posted with my progress!
  13. Quit quitting

    Thank you so much for your input. Yes, I use to be able to drink insane amounts of alcohol and never get a buzz. That's dangerous- because I was mixing uppers and downers with my liqour as well and who knows how that could have ended up. I think the biggest thing with me is that even if I were to continue using Addy my mind would be in constant conflict every single day saying "this isn't right" and that alone is enough to keep me away. That's alot of mental energy to expend and I'm big on saving my mental energy lol. What I have learned from these constant relapses is to be compassionate towards myself, so it has not been a total failure. Something has stuck with me this time I think. I do not need Adderall. I want it. But I do not need it. I am so much kinder and I listen to other people more intently without it. I am genuinally concerned for others problems when I am not medicated. Adderall makes me a cold, distant and an uninterested human. And that is no way to live. But- ONE DAY AT A TIME! I will get through today without Adderall and not worry about tomorrow! Much love!
  14. Quit quitting

    Hey friends. I am at the point in my recovery where I am seriously reconsidering my commitment to being clean from Adderall. I believe I have forgotten the initial reasons why I had quit in the first place. I know I was abusing large amounts of Adderall. But my mind is starting to justify a small, daily dose. I relapsed again this week due to the fatigue I am experiencing from my new SSRI script. The SSRI is doing wonders for my mental health, and I know the fatigue from my new medication is only temporary. But the SSRI combined with clonazepam and 20mg of Adderall a day is making me feel absolutely amazing and I am fearful that this will become habitual again. I have been able to moderate myself to 20mg a day due to the fact that I no longer chase the high, I am only taking the 20mg for the energy boost to get me through the day. The logic seems sound, but I am forgetting I am an addict. And for that reason, I have ONCE AGAIN decided to quit Adderall. I am exhausted with this back and forth mentality of whether or not I should continue usage or quit altogether. There cannot be any middle ground either. Although the cocktail of medication I am on is super helpful, there is still something that doesn't feel right within my soul- and I know the Adderall needs to go. If you guys can please provide me with reasons why you quit and the benefits you experience from being clean from Adderall that would be awesome. I need a refresher as to why I quit in the first place. Sending love and many thanks
  15. Almost 11 Months!

    I'm glad you logged in because this is exactly what I needed to hear today, right now. Thank you