On my way back to living again

[Evie25]

I am so grateful for this this site. For all of the inspiring stories and for giving me tools I need to quit this hellish drug. My story is similar to many others on here. I've always had problems with organization and keeping my thoughts from "bouncing around" in my head. I was a musician in college and always did quite well without stimulants. But when I started my current job, I was faced with an overwhelming workload; speed of work and multitasking became much more important than creativity. When I first started taking addy, It felt like I'd finally found the solution to my struggles with focusing and organization. Studying became so much easier, I felt euphoric and found excitement in even the most mundane tasks. I found I was able to accomplish a lot more than I could without the drug, and this fit my personality in a sense; it fulfilled my desire to be the best at what I do and to perfect everything. At first, the side effects seemed minimal. The daily withdrawals and lack of sleep seemed like small annoyances in comparison to the amount I was able to accomplish each day. I loved the way I had no appetite and lost my interest in food.

Of course all this changed after a year or so. I became more and more irritable and heartless, having no regard for anyone. At the end of each day when I was withdrawing, I would become extremely paranoid and needy, scared of the world and of being alone. I would pick fights with my boyfriend, become furious at him over very small issues. I never could really relax, I was too wound up all the time and my shoulders hurt from the tension. I'm convinced that the sleep deprivation and paranoia led to some sort of psychosis at times. My friends told me that I wasn't myself, that I overreacted to everything. I didn't want to listen and was in denial. The thought of going off the drug terrified me because I envisioned losing my job, gaining 30 pounds, and being completely useless.

After reading some of the articles and forums on this website, I finally admitted how damaging the dug had become to me. Was being more productive and churning out work really worth losing my soul? Besides that, I was hardly productive anymore due to the lack of sleep and constant anger I felt towards everyone.

I've been off it nearly 2 weeks and it hasn't been easy. My appetite has been out of control and I've slowed down at work. But since I've been sleeping better, I also find I have more energy to accomplish things.

I felt so relieved reading on this site that I should expect myself to be worthless for a while. That I should accept that and not expect too much of myself at first. Giving myself permission to be "lazy and worthless" when quitting the drug made this process seem so much less daunting. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my back, now that I'm not a slave to this drug. I told my Dr. today not to prescribe me addy anymore and felt empowered because it was my choice, what I wanted. Excited to finally start "living" again because I felt like a walking dead person before. I will get my weight under control, start exercising again. I know I'll get it all back, it will just take effort. And effort feels like a foreign concept right now.

Sorry to ramble, just felt the need to share this with others who know what I'm going through. And thank everyone for their stories which had a huge impact on my decision to quit.

[ashley6]

I feel so inspired every time I read a post like yours. It's absolutely a hellish drug. I also give the people on the site credit for deciding to tell my doctor to stop prescribing me. It's been a little over 40 days for me, and I'm still taking it a day at a time. I know it's my ONLY option to having a happy life. I've posted on here many times, especially on the hard days, and I've gotten helpful feedback.

I got advice from Cassie on this site, I believe, that suggested I research post acute withdrawal syndrome, also knows as PAWS. It's been incredibly helpful in understanding why I feel the way I do and what to expect. I wish you the best in your journey towards freedom from the evil pills. You can do this!!!

-Ashley

[Evie25]

I feel so inspired every time I read a post like yours. It's absolutely a hellish drug. I also give the people on the site credit for deciding to tell my doctor to stop prescribing me. It's been a little over 40 days for me, and I'm still taking it a day at a time. I know it's my ONLY option to having a happy life. I've posted on here many times, especially on the hard days, and I've gotten helpful feedback.

I got advice from Cassie on this site, I believe, that suggested I research post acute withdrawal syndrome, also knows as PAWS. It's been incredibly helpful in understanding why I feel the way I do and what to expect. I wish you the best in your journey towards freedom from the evil pills. You can do this!!!

-Ashley

Hi Ashley,

I know I've read some of your posts and I wish you strength and determination to continue each day without the addy. Does it get easier past a month, or is it still a constant struggle? I am still off it, though I guess I can't give myself too much credit because I have no way of taking them, now that I told my Dr. to stop writing the prescriptions. Had a bad day today and damn I missed the pills like crazy. I am doing some reading on PAWS and am quite intrigued. I think it may help to think of this as a process I have to go through, rather than just my emotions being out of control.

[tinybuddha]

Please don't apologize for rambling! These post feel like a life-line to me and I am so grateful to the members that post on here.

[ashley6]

Evie,

You do need to give yourself credit....telling your doctor is a HUGE step, and it shows that you're ready to quit (scared shitless, but ready)! I wish I could say that after 30 days it's easy. It's easier physically, because all I could do was sleep and eat everything in sight for the first 30 days. My appetite is starting to balance out, and I'm sleeping much less. I still get tired often, but I've made an agreement with myself that naps are ok, if not, necessary for me. I've seen what a huge difference just taking a 20 minute walk or run makes on my energy level.

I see my substance abuse counselor twice a week, because I feel I need that right now. I guess my biggest struggle currently, is just getting over the discomfort of dealing with my emotions. The first 30 days, all I could think about was adderall, and I still think about it a lot, but it's more of grieving process and learning to live with my real feelings again. Some days I feel just plain bored, and adderall was what I used to fill that void. I just have to remind myself, it's too high of a price to pay. I've already, in this short period of time, began to get closer to my family and friends again. I look and feel so much healthier. I feel sane!

I don't know if this helps at all, but I find solace in learning what I'm up against.

This journey we're on is so worth it. We might not feel the payoff immediately, but it will come. Patience is a virtue, and this takes lots of it...ughhh.

My counselor said something to me today that I loved. SOBER stands for "son of a bitch, everything is real."

I'd love to hear how you're doing, so keep checking in...godspeed

-Ashley