Need support

[purplepen]

Hello, I posted a while back about my situation but am briefly going to go over it again.

I have been off and on with adderall/vyvanse for the past 5 years after being severely addicted to it for nearly 7. During my worst years 18-25 I completely lost control of myself. I was a mess..damn near homeless. After having two kids I have started the process again. 25-28 were not the worst years..I felt like I would take it very occasionally and be completely fine without. I actually would get a script and then flush it the next day b/c I hated how it made me feel after being so in control of my life again. Things really started to get bad for me last year September. I am also a "recovering" alcoholic so I have a ton of addictive tendencies.

Over the whole course of my adderall use, I started to develop a very severe gambling addiction. I can't explain it. When I don't take the stimulant I don't think about gambling at all but once I take it, it is all that I can think about and want to do. I completely zero in and focus on gambling.

Again, this last year has been by far the most tragic for me because I am gambling so much money, that I don't have, without control. I have been trying to quit over the last year and have had a couple months here and couple months there, but I always go back to getting the stimulant and then its like 2-3K gone a week. I probably gambled 20K over the last year. THAT IS INSANE. I mean, I always liked gambling but I remember not that long ago loosing $100 would make me panic and i would work extra shifts to make up for it- now its like absolutely no f*cks given. 

The reason why I convinced myself I needed to get back on the stimulants was because I started a very intense nursing program. I KNOW that I can perform well without the stimulants, I don't even have ADD. But I have driven myself into a corner where I truly believe that I cannot do school without them; funny thing is, is that I don't even study anymore because all I'm doing all day is gambling. I focus on all the wrong things. I will crash study for a few hours before an exam and call it good. 

I am so tired of this life. I know I have so many issues and it breaks my heart because I have two small children and on the outside it looks like I am this responsible, great mom but that is far from the truth. I am constantly panicking and stressed and can't sleep b/c of how much debt I am in.

I know that I need to stop taking these pills and it will solve literally 75% of my problems. I am in therapy and am starting to do DBT. I want to completely give myself to that so that I can fix my inner problems. The days I don't have the pills, I feel great! I am energetic, friendly, I want to work out, I want to interact and spend time with my kids, I eat healthy, I mean..the list goes on...so why do I keep self sabotaging? I think we can all relate- it is because of that FIRST TIME EVER TAKING IT AND CHASING THAT FEELING. 

I just don't know how to get myself out of this mess. Some days I want to take it only so that I don't care about the money or my problems..cuz it makes me kind of numb to things that matter...and so otherwise I feel so overwhelmed with everything I have done and just disappointment and disgusted. 

A month ago, I got off the vyvanse and I told both my psych and therapist that I don't want another doctor to ever prescribe it to me again...well what do you know...I talked my psych into prescribing it for me and it was definitely a challenge..she only gives me weekly scripts..but here I am, taken a weeks worth in two days. 

I know what I have to do. I know I can't do this alone. I know I need to face the facts and go to meetings...I just don't know how to suppress the cravings....because OMFG the cravings are SO deep and overwhelming and intense that I succumb to them every single time. So please, someone, tell me what has worked for you.

The pills do absolutely nothing for me anymore expect ruin my life. I am not productive at all, even if I go days without taking some and then take the first pill, I am not in the state of mind of happiness.....thats the thing, the day before i get my pills I am so on edge and anxious b/c I know its the wrong thing to do..so like taking the pills is like punishing myself in reality b/c they bring me no benefit at all. Its such a mind F*ck.

 

I appreciate you all and I am so sorry for those that are struggling..it is such a terrible drug. Much love

[SleepyStupid]

9 hours ago, purplepen said:

Over the whole course of my adderall use, I started to develop a very severe gambling addiction. I can't explain it. When I don't take the stimulant I don't think about gambling at all but once I take it, it is all that I can think about and want to do. I completely zero in and focus on gambling.

welcome back @purplepen! your issues with gambling are not uncommon. i think it's fair to say that stimulant addiction can easily lead to other hedonistic addictions, it's basically a constant dopamine chase. my debilitating "side" addiction was porn - at times it seemed to eclipse the Adderall addiction itself! i often thought back then "if i could manage the porn addiction, then maybe i can be productive on Adderall again." nope! just like you, my side addiction simply vanished when i stopped using. i knew deep down they were linked, but my addict brain made every rationalization to separate them - JUST MAYBE i could go back to using Adderall like everyone else... nope!  it was the exact same thing when i relapsed  around the 2 year mark - immediately the porn addiction returned.

9 hours ago, purplepen said:

The days I don't have the pills, I feel great! I am energetic, friendly, I want to work out, I want to interact and spend time with my kids, I eat healthy, I mean..the list goes on...so why do I keep self sabotaging?

if you already feel great when you're off the pills, then half your battle is already done! so why do we still sabotage ourselves?: cause we like getting high. you'll never find a better reason than that unfortunately - but accepting this truth helps put the problem into context.

keep us posted on your progress! (:

[DrewK15]

@purplepen I gambled away $40k+ on online sports books in my addiction from 22-25 y.o., I think it’s a pretty common problem. I would research my bets all day, place them around 4pm and then lay in my walk in closet smoking weed in the evenings while I watched my bets play out. I considered killing myself once the debt buried me. I filed for bankruptcy while unemployed with $75k in CC debt last year and am in the process of rebuilding my credit. I am so so much more responsible with money than I ever was before and on Addy, there is hope on the other side. It’s hard to get sober and face the consequences, but you need to do it to find freedom.

[purplepen]

3 hours ago, SleepyStupid said:

welcome back @purplepen! your issues with gambling are not uncommon. i think it's fair to say that stimulant addiction can easily lead to other hedonistic addictions, it's basically a constant dopamine chase. my debilitating "side" addiction was porn - at times it seemed to eclipse the Adderall addiction itself! i often thought back then "if i could manage the porn addiction, then maybe i can be productive on Adderall again." nope! just like you, my side addiction simply vanished when i stopped using. i knew deep down they were linked, but my addict brain made every rationalization to separate them - JUST MAYBE i could go back to using Adderall like everyone else... nope!  it was the exact same thing when i relapsed  around the 2 year mark - immediately the porn addiction returned.

if you already feel great when you're off the pills, then half your battle is already done! so why do we still sabotage ourselves?: cause we like getting high. you'll never find a better reason than that unfortunately - but accepting this truth helps put the problem into context.

keep us posted on your progress! (:

I agree with exactly what you had said- i took keep thinking if I can just handle the gambling i can take the vyanvase like i can do it i can do this i don't need to gamble but it is inevitable. It is such a dopamine rush and I too get into porn and shit when I'm on it. I also smoke a pack a day and just anything to feed the dopamine but nothing productive at all...I mean at some point it just exhausts its function and thats where I am at with it. 

 

The hardest part for me is that deep down I have never really been happy- this is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, I am not depressed, I am just not impressed with life...and I am getting help with that with therapy but the stimulants obviously offer me joy...its synthetic happiness and it feels amazing for a short little while but when I don't have it or use it, its always in the back of my mind cuz its like oh thats the one thing thats truly made me happy- which is bullshit because lets be real...You are right about the like getting high part its clear and simple. To be honest, sometimes I just want to take the adder all JUST so i can smoke!!!! It makes cigs taste so amazing and it makes me feel So good.....but when I don't take the addy or vyvanse I won't touch a cigarette. It's just so ridiculous how easy it is to want to just fuck my life up..and for me its not about putting in the work that makes quitting hard because I have a TON going on right now. I still manage to get a 4.0 in school, be a mom, work part time, and go to the gym everyday. OH BTW I never go to the gym when I take the stimulants, EVER. So it's like I do all these things that are so positive when I don't take it and they should make me feel happy but the little fucking pill holds a higher value than any of the other things. I am trying to build the courage to just email my psych once and for all and tell her that I can't do it anymore. I actually did last week after she gave me a chance by doing the weekly scripts cuz she is so hesitant and then I talked myself and her back into giving me another script...like come on. It just keeps getting harder and harder to quit the more I prolong it. Ok sorry for the rant. 

 

 

[purplepen]

3 hours ago, DrewK15 said:

@purplepen I gambled away $40k+ on online sports books in my addiction from 22-25 y.o., I think it’s a pretty common problem. I would research my bets all day, place them around 4pm and then lay in my walk in closet smoking weed in the evenings while I watched my bets play out. I considered killing myself once the debt buried me. I filed for bankruptcy while unemployed with $75k in CC debt last year and am in the process of rebuilding my credit. I am so so much more responsible with money than I ever was before and on Addy, there is hope on the other side. It’s hard to get sober and face the consequences, but you need to do it to find freedom.

Hey, I am so curious to talk to you about this. I feel like I have dug myself into a really bad financial hole..I mean its awful. I have taken out so much on private school loans to pay for my gambling debt and the check comes in and Its just enough to cover my debt and then what do I do with the rest? I gamble it away. its just SO FUCKING AWFUL. How did you finally face the facts and put yourself in a reality check? For me, I think that when i am sober from the stimulants which is usually 3 or 4 days out of the week, I have the cloud of debt hanging over my head and I start making plans on how I will honestly earn and pay it back and it will be ok and whatnot and then I get on the pills again and its like 1K down the shithole in a day. But on the days that I am not on it, I don't gamble but the stress and panic of the gambling debt makes me so anxious and panicky that I just want to take the pill or take something so that I don't think about it..so that I avoid it. And I just need some advice on how to face the facts. Treatment is not an option for me right now. I do believe that going to treatment would probably be the best thing but I have already been twice to an inpatient and I already know the things I need to do I just have to be strong to do it. I hate how much doubt these meds inflict in me. They make me doubt EVERYTHING. They bring out the most negative thoughts and most negative emotions and truly it is like the devil in a pill b/c it makes you believe you can't do anything without it. Such a mind f*ck.

 

Thanks for any and all advice!