“Relapsed” again

[idkanymore]

I say “relapsed” because I’m not even sure I can call it that anymore. My life consists of periods of being on adderall or off of it. I always say I’m gonna quit, because I really do want to, but then I give up and find a way to get my prescription filled again. The only people who really know I have an addiction to it are my boyfriend and mom, and I can’t tell them I messed up again. I feel like such a failure. I feel like the last two years of my life have been a blur because of my adderall abuse. I’ve been prescribed it for 10 years but heavily abused it for the last 4. I don’t understand why I can’t stop on my own. I’m so exhausted from it, I wish I could stay sober. I feel like a terrible person when I’m on it because I have to hide it from everyone. Idk why I’m even posting this but I needed to vent. I have a counseling appointment on the 5th so I hope I can tell him about it. 

[SleepyStupid]

On 10/3/2020 at 3:36 AM, idkanymore said:

I feel like a terrible person when I’m on it because I have to hide it from everyone.

ohhhh i remember this shame and guilt VERY well. it changes everything about your life: you start actively avoiding people and outings, you try to minimize your presence at home, it even changes your relationship with the drug itself. as you say - you don't even enjoy taking it anymore! this is such a powerful admission, even if you don't know what to do with it yet.

i would start with some simple questions that work to identify your triggers. are you relapsing because of work (can't keep up)? are you relapsing because of boredom? is it due to fatigue? it may very well be a combination of everything, but you need to identify the challenge that precipitates the thought of filling your script again.

a fair warning though: it's a hard question to answer within the first 30 days sober, cause you can't trust yourself to answer it. to some degree, the first couple of months of this journey is a brute force approach - you'll be fighting physical withdrawal as well as mental, everything is going to suck consistently and absolutely. the most powerful thing you can have during this period is the belief that life will be so much better on the other side. if you truly believe this, it will give you the strength to survive long enough to get past the first month or 2, at which time things will become A LOT CLEARER. just believe in all the people here and our stories - things WILL GET BETTER.

before you know it, you'll be coming back to this post in 6 months and wondering "who the hell was this person?!" (:

[idkanymore]

15 hours ago, SleepyStupid said:

ohhhh i remember this shame and guilt VERY well. it changes everything about your life: you start actively avoiding people and outings, you try to minimize your presence at home, it even changes your relationship with the drug itself. as you say - you don't even enjoy taking it anymore! this is such a powerful admission, even if you don't know what to do with it yet.

i would start with some simple questions that work to identify your triggers. are you relapsing because of work (can't keep up)? are you relapsing because of boredom? is it due to fatigue? it may very well be a combination of everything, but you need to identify the challenge that precipitates the thought of filling your script again.

a fair warning though: it's a hard question to answer within the first 30 days sober, cause you can't trust yourself to answer it. to some degree, the first couple of months of this journey is a brute force approach - you'll be fighting physical withdrawal as well as mental, everything is going to suck consistently and absolutely. the most powerful thing you can have during this period is the belief that life will be so much better on the other side. if you truly believe this, it will give you the strength to survive long enough to get past the first month or 2, at which time things will become A LOT CLEARER. just believe in all the people here and our stories - things WILL GET BETTER.

before you know it, you'll be coming back to this post in 6 months and wondering "who the hell was this person?!" (:

the crazy thing is I love who I am off of it. I actually went to my first therapy appointment today and told my therapist how badly addicted I am to it. it felt good to say it out loud to someone who can help me and won't judge. I've been on it for 10 years and it feels like I don't know who I am without it. I think I still take it because I can't clean, work, or function without it. or when I am off of it for a long period of time, Im extremely hyper and can't control my emotions and I feel so annoying. I feel like a failure for how many times I've attempted to quit, and actually whole heartedly tried, but always come back to it. Its like I live two different lives. the one thing that has kept me semi sane is this forum. thank you for replying to me and encouraging me, even tho im just a stranger

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 10/5/2020 at 9:49 AM, SleepyStupid said:

ohhhh i remember this shame and guilt VERY well. it changes everything about your life: you start actively avoiding people and outings, you try to minimize your presence at home, it even changes your relationship with the drug itself. as you say - you don't even enjoy taking it anymore! this is such a powerful admission, even if you don't know what to do with it yet.

i would start with some simple questions that work to identify your triggers. are you relapsing because of work (can't keep up)? are you relapsing because of boredom? is it due to fatigue? it may very well be a combination of everything, but you need to identify the challenge that precipitates the thought of filling your script again.

a fair warning though: it's a hard question to answer within the first 30 days sober, cause you can't trust yourself to answer it. to some degree, the first couple of months of this journey is a brute force approach - you'll be fighting physical withdrawal as well as mental, everything is going to suck consistently and absolutely. the most powerful thing you can have during this period is the belief that life will be so much better on the other side. if you truly believe this, it will give you the strength to survive long enough to get past the first month or 2, at which time things will become A LOT CLEARER. just believe in all the people here and our stories - things WILL GET BETTER.

before you know it, you'll be coming back to this post in 6 months and wondering "who the hell was this person?!" (:

I want to go through these questions.  My pattern is that I have too many clients on one day so I use that day.  Then I stay up too late and then use the next day to make it through.  Then the next day I am home and use b/c i am trying to organize my house to move..  Then I have too many clients the next day so I use to get through the day b/c I don't want to feel.  Or rather I do want to feel... I want to feel like I feel when I'm on it... then comes Friday and I slow down... but then comes the weekend and my significant other triggers me so badly that I just want to not feel and so I use and focus on stuff to get away from him and be present with the kids.  Sounds like a winning combo.  So what am I actually going to do??  I don't know.  I keep saying I'm going to taper and then I keep not doing it.  

[SleepyStupid]

 

On 10/13/2020 at 1:02 AM, DelaneyJuliette said:

My pattern is that I have too many clients on one day so I use that day. 

how do you define too many patients? like a normal workday (8 hours) worth? it seems like you're lucky enough to manage your own schedule, so perhaps you need to start with reducing your workload. i know you have also mentioned in the past that your relationship with your husband/SO isn't so great, but maybe you can negotiate some extra time for yourself? have you considered using a service like TaskRabbit to help with the organizing and moving?

it sounds like you need to be more proactive about your recovery plan - if you don't actively make time or setup support structures, you will simply feel overwhelmed and fail again. 

the same ole, same ole isn't working. it's time to try something different, no? 

 

[DelaneyJuliette]

On 10/14/2020 at 10:13 AM, SleepyStupid said:

 

how do you define too many patients? like a normal workday (8 hours) worth? it seems like you're lucky enough to manage your own schedule, so perhaps you need to start with reducing your workload. i know you have also mentioned in the past that your relationship with your husband/SO isn't so great, but maybe you can negotiate some extra time for yourself? have you considered using a service like TaskRabbit to help with the organizing and moving?

it sounds like you need to be more proactive about your recovery plan - if you don't actively make time or setup support structures, you will simply feel overwhelmed and fail again. 

the same ole, same ole isn't working. it's time to try something different, no? 

 

Yup, time to try something different.  I quit cold turkey two days ago.  I gave up all my adderall and no way to get more.  It's scary, emotional, exhausting and also relieving.  I will make it through this time.