7 Weeks Pregnant & Confused

[GeorgiaRigby]

Hi everybody! I really wanted to start out by saying that the work the administrators do for this site and within these forums is just phenomenal; I'm truly inspired and in complete admiration of all of you on here sharing your stories and helping each other get through this.  I don't really know where else I would turn.  I come onto this site often...

 

I've been feeling overwhelmed for years, especially the last two. I wake myself up sobbing and fall asleep that way too. I've been taking Adderall or Vyvanse since I was 17, and I'm 28 now.  I've been at a pretty high dose this entire time, really. 60-75 MG (some days, much more)  I've somehow managed to find five separate doctors throughout the different periods in my life, (high-school, start of college in Tucson, Arizona, 2 separate doctors I found in Los Angeles (one after I moved to another, further out location), and then again back here in Minnesota. It does seem like I've been abusing this entire time. Mostly around 70 mg daily, in addition to an alprazolam prescription that I take as well (.5-1.5 mg) . That's been long-term as well. 

 
I found out a couple of weeks days ago that I'm pregnant. I got off my birth control a couple of months ago, and we were not trying at all. I've been on and off so many forums looking up whether or not you can even take during pregnancy.  Of course, the assumption would be that continuing the medication would be harmful to baby.  On top of that, I don't know what I need to do here. I don’t know how I can go through with this, I feel disgusting as a person for thinking this way… I am terrified and afraid every day. I don't know how to exist in the world that I have created for myself- a pretty small one.  

With regard to the pregnancy, I can't stand myself for having to think this way, but I have scheduled and rescheduled several appointments to terminate.  I have one for Thursday of this coming week. I don't know what I should do.  I want to be a mom terribly, but not like this.  I'm so afraid of the journey ahead: I don't even have stable work and it overwhelms me tremendously to think of the number of ways to make an income and the number of days I've gone without one.  

 
I am so afraid of everything, and my anxiety is killing me. I am in bed now, knowing that I have this soul inside of my body and I'm not sure what to do. I haven't been taking my medications and I don't know how I will sleep.  My heart feels gone from my body.  I've come on here so often, and really just can't believe the people who are not only sharing their stories by helping other people get through this. Taking away the Adderall, marijuana, the constant stimulation of television and films, books laying about; I don't know how to even be a person.  
 
 
Things tend to overwhelm me, which is why I'm starting to cry again. I'm second-guessing why am even writing this. I sound and feel so helpless. My motivation is so minimal that as much as I come up with in my head that I should be learning, doing, seeing, visiting - I stay stuck.  
 
I don’t really expect much can be replied to here!  I know I have said a lot without asking much at all.  I just feel so alone in my mind and heart.  I don’t know how to survive this.  Sending love and will return again and again!  

 

Thanks, Erin.

[SleepyStupid]

hi @GeorgiaRigby

first off, congratulations on the pregnancy news! I know it may not feel very joyous right now, but this could potentially be THE turning point of your life. you keep saying that you "don't know how to be a person" - I think THIS is how you start being a person! do what's right for your baby - start with that, and I think you'll be surprised how powerful an experience it will be for you.

On 7/3/2021 at 10:01 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

I've been on and off so many forums looking up whether or not you can even take during pregnancy.  Of course, the assumption would be that continuing the medication would be harmful to baby.

I think the problem is there's just not enough data around this to say anything definitive. that aside, you yourself admit that you are NOT taking stimulants responsibly, which also means that you probably have a host of other related health concerns (dehydration, malnutrition, etc.). if you search hard enough, you will always find an anecdote or someone's story to confirm your own bias - you want to hear that it's okay to keep taking speed through your pregnancy. on this topic, I think you should go with your gut instinct.

On 7/3/2021 at 10:01 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

With regard to the pregnancy, I can't stand myself for having to think this way, but I have scheduled and rescheduled several appointments to terminate.  I have one for Thursday of this coming week. I don't know what I should do.  I want to be a mom terribly, but not like this.  I'm so afraid of the journey ahead: I don't even have stable work and it overwhelms me tremendously to think of the number of ways to make an income and the number of days I've gone without one.  

of course this is ultimately your choice to make, and I agree that your circumstances are less than ideal, BUT I do NOT think you should make this decision based solely on fear of the unknown. to begin with, Adderall is pumping your anxiety and fear up to 10 and isn't letting you think clearly about anything. I can hear it  in your writing, the confusion and hopelessness - all you need is a few months off the medication and things will become SO MUCH more clear, you just have to make it that far.

that aside, you should consider carefully your network of support (baby's father, your family, etc.). would you really be all alone with this challenge?

On 7/3/2021 at 10:01 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

Things tend to overwhelm me, which is why I'm starting to cry again. I'm second-guessing why am even writing this. I sound and feel so helpless. My motivation is so minimal that as much as I come up with in my head that I should be learning, doing, seeing, visiting - I stay stuck.  

this sounds more like the addict speaking than you. "you should be learning, doing, seeing, etc." - this is a trap. your addict mind is trying to over complicate things to make it seem like: there's ALL THESE THINGS, how can you possibly do all this stuff without me?! the reality is that you do all these things by just being a person. Adderall makes it seem like everything in life is some sort of mission, competition or challenge - this is simply not true, but you won't see this clearly until you have distanced yourself from the medication for some time.
 
please keep us updated on this - I really think this could be the push that will change your life forever (:
 

[olivia115]

So If you find the right doctors and mental health professionals to discuss this with then you should feel better. It’s “not recommended” only because they can’t study pregnant women if there is any chance of an adverse event. So rather than say that they just don’t even look into it. That being said the data shows more and more woken ARE taking this med safely while pregnant and breastfeeding and doing absolutely fine. My only recommendation would be to make sure it doesn’t give you hypertension or curb your appetite too much. The stress you undergo by second guessing yourself based on other ppls assumptions will hurt you too. Congratulations 

[GeorgiaRigby]

On 7/3/2021 at 9:01 PM, GeorgiaRigby said:

Hi everybody! I really wanted to start out by saying that the work the administrators do for this site and within these forums is just phenomenal; I'm truly inspired and in complete admiration of all of you on here sharing your stories and helping each other get through this.  I don't really know where else I would turn.  I come onto this site often...

 

I've been feeling overwhelmed for years, especially the last two. I wake myself up sobbing and fall asleep that way too. I've been taking Adderall or Vyvanse since I was 17, and I'm 28 now.  I've been at a pretty high dose this entire time, really. 60-75 MG (some days, much more)  I've somehow managed to find five separate doctors throughout the different periods in my life, (high-school, start of college in Tucson, Arizona, 2 separate doctors I found in Los Angeles (one after I moved to another, further out location), and then again back here in Minnesota. It does seem like I've been abusing this entire time. Mostly around 70 mg daily, in addition to an alprazolam prescription that I take as well (.5-1.5 mg) . That's been long-term as well. 

 
I found out a couple of weeks days ago that I'm pregnant. I got off my birth control a couple of months ago, and we were not trying at all. I've been on and off so many forums looking up whether or not you can even take during pregnancy.  Of course, the assumption would be that continuing the medication would be harmful to baby.  On top of that, I don't know what I need to do here. I don’t know how I can go through with this, I feel disgusting as a person for thinking this way… I am terrified and afraid every day. I don't know how to exist in the world that I have created for myself- a pretty small one.  

With regard to the pregnancy, I can't stand myself for having to think this way, but I have scheduled and rescheduled several appointments to terminate.  I have one for Thursday of this coming week. I don't know what I should do.  I want to be a mom terribly, but not like this.  I'm so afraid of the journey ahead: I don't even have stable work and it overwhelms me tremendously to think of the number of ways to make an income and the number of days I've gone without one.  

 
I am so afraid of everything, and my anxiety is killing me. I am in bed now, knowing that I have this soul inside of my body and I'm not sure what to do. I haven't been taking my medications and I don't know how I will sleep.  My heart feels gone from my body.  I've come on here so often, and really just can't believe the people who are not only sharing their stories by helping other people get through this. Taking away the Adderall, marijuana, the constant stimulation of television and films, books laying about; I don't know how to even be a person.  
 
 
Things tend to overwhelm me, which is why I'm starting to cry again. I'm second-guessing why am even writing this. I sound and feel so helpless. My motivation is so minimal that as much as I come up with in my head that I should be learning, doing, seeing, visiting - I stay stuck.  
 
I don’t really expect much can be replied to here!  I know I have said a lot without asking much at all.  I just feel so alone in my mind and heart.  I don’t know how to survive this.  Sending love and will return again and again!  

 

Thanks, Erin.

Yeah, I fucking can't believe it but I would have had a newborn by now.  I need to come back on here to write later tonight.