Numb

[ldmcniel]

I use to be the most energetic, fun, and outgoing person. I have not ever been addicted to anything in my life, that is until Adderall. It's funny how in today's society, the people who are creative, energetic and actually the most fun are labeled "different". Teachers, parents and doctors all want to put a label on a person just because they can't sit still, pay attention to boring things and have an amazing thought process. The really sad part is, I work in the medical field. I bought in to the whole idea that " I needed to slow down, be calm, and pay better attention." That is how the world works right? I now know that today's world may want us to be that way, but the most creative minds from centuries ago would be labeled today as being "abnormal". So what if we can sit there and be little zombies who really could care less what some boring person is talking about. So what if we jump from one thought to another and it might take us longer to complete a task. Now... I will get off of my soap box and tell you my story. My son is the only boy out of 5 sisters. He's very creative, smart and of course, energetic. So... you can see that everyone was like "he needs to be on medication." I fought this for two years and finally, like a coward, gave in to everyone's idea that we need to make him a zombie. I know what it is like to be hyper, have a imagination like no other, and to feel like your mind can't stop. I have had ADHD since I was a child, but my parents never bought into the "medicating your child" theory. So... why am I on here then? Well, like an idiot, I tried my son's Adderall. At first I was like woo hoo! I can think clearer now! This is great!!! Then, the honeymoon was over. The great feeling... gone, the clear mind...gone. What did I have left? The guilt, shame, inability to laugh, cry or really feel anything but anger. So I keep asking myself "why can't you quit?" You would think it would be a simple answer, but it's not because I really don't have one. I don't enjoy it anymore, I am having to lie, sneak and be someone that I am totally not. I have seen other "drug addicts" before, but those were the meth, heroin and so on. I never really thought of Adderall being so harmful and addictive, but it is. I have never been so dependent on something so stupid in my life. You would think I would know better. Do I really not have the willpower. I just lost 80 pounds BEFORE ever touching Adderall, and now I have not even lost 1 pound since being on it. It's not the appetite suppressant that keeps me on it. I don't get the high anymore. So why do I feel so compelled to keep taking it? I know there are other people that feel the same as I do. I would appreciate any help. Thank you.

[ldmcniel]

Day 1: It's 2:45pm and so far... no Adderall or Vyvanse. In some ways it feels empowering, in other ways there is this fog of depression, the inability to think straight and no motivation. I did take a 3 mile walk in the nearly 100 degree heat. I thought that it would lift my spirits but I know that my dopamine receptors are totally shot right now and it is going to take more than a 3 mile walk to feel back to normal, if I even can remember what that feels like. I have been trying to clean house since I have the day off. I don't feel like being sociable but I have to go to a cookout this evening. I am not sure how I am going to "fake" being normal without Adderall, but I am going to try my hardest. I have taken Vitamin B-6, B-1, and L-thyrosine. I am hoping that this helps some. It's almost like I have a feeling of sadness due to a loss of some kind. It's a very odd feeling. If anyone else can give me some recommendations, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

[ashley6]

You sound like you're doing the right things. You really just have to let it take it's course. It might require you sleeping for most of the day, but the lesson I learned from people on here is: you have to be nice to yourself. It might require you to be in bed all day, and there's nothing wrong with that, in fact, sometimes it's necessary. You've been on a hardcore stimulant, and it will take your body time to adjust.....whatever you do, don't feel guilty for being worthless for awhile. Just try to remind yourself that this is you getting healthy, and it will take time. Give yourself as much time as you need, because you and your body deserve it. I neglected/abused my mind and body for years before quitting. Our brains will recover, but it wasn't an overnight process getting here and it won't be one getting back to normal. You're taking a huge first step and should be so proud. Just remember to be kind to yourself and take it easy.....if you need to sleep most of the day, watch movies, eat everything in sight, do it for now.

I wish you the best. I'm pulling for you. We're all pulling for you here. This site will help you through some tough times.

-Ashley

[smalltowndreams]

You aren't alone in the loss of the ability to feel the things and emotional range that you felt pre-adderall. Like people have said on here, it's almost like it lures you in with promises of making you everything you wanted to be - and then slowly and very subtly takes away everything you value about yourself.. and you don't notice until it's gone! And if staying in bed for the first few days is what it takes to get through those first few days, and get those things back, then go for it.

[ldmcniel]

Thanks for all the kind words and support. I made it that one day, and then I relapsed again. I thought I could just wean off of it but I can't. I am going to have to do it cold turkey. When I try and taper down, I just keep binging. I ran out of my script yesterday and now I have to make the decision to fill or not to fill it. I am going to not fill it, for now. I know I should just tear it up but for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like such a fake and a liar.

[Greg]

you are strong enough to do this!! You have to pull the strength from deep within yourself to conquer this. You have it in you. Don't give up on yourself. Look around at so many people here who have been in your place and have managed to end this destructive relationship with adderall...we have all been in that position where we thought it was impossible. You won't find another group of people on the web who understand the feeling of impossibility and quitting adderall. But it's not impossible.

(If you can't tear up your script and call your doctor, ask someone to do it for you. That's just as good as you doing it yourself. just walk away from the adderall and be done with it. and when you have, youll feel a deep sense of relief knowing the fight is over.)

[lilabrooks]

You can do it! I've been trying to quit for awhile now and I ripped up my last two scripts and flushed them down the toilet a couple weeks ago. I was on adderall when I did it so at first I couldn't really enjoy it, but the next day I remembered and felt so proud that I took that step. Even though I'm struggling to stay off it feels good to know that I did that all by myself. My next challenge will be not making an appointment to refill, but right now I'm confident that I can handle it.

I've realized the reason I always fail at quitting is that I do the same things, but expect different results. I just binge and tell myself that it's my last time so it's ok and that I'll be able to resist next time. It's really hard to remember all the reasons to quit when you have a craving so I think by removing the option of filling the script you're taking a lot of the temptation out of the equation. Good luck!

[Edie]

Have you thought about going to an AA or NA meeting? The 12 steps and the support given at those meetings is truly wonderful and you don't have to talk, just listen, and know you are not the only one in the room that struggles. I always feel better when I go to a meeting and it is the bridge between days and I am less likely to use/curbs cravings.....