im about to flush it down the toilet

[sheswithme]

i cant stop myself and my actions anymore. all night and all morning i dread what ive done. all i look forward to is smoking cigarettes, taking adderall, and completing my endless lists. i only work part time because obtaining a full time job is so so so so complicated to me, and my adderall infested mind, that i just constantly plot and think and take notes on my "ideal" employment situation and making my "ideal" life than actually work. the bain of my existence is figuring out what i want. i want so many things. and i do tons of little things - art, djing, radio show, but, no bread winner job. no real job at all.

i live thousand of miles from my family - the only people in the world that dont make me want to take adderall. when im with them i just want to sit and be present with them. where i live i have one close friend. i grew to love feeling thin and my appetite is barely there. im also constantly in fear that im aging myself with the obvious caffiene/adderall/cigs. i have a ton of beauty products and regimes that i do now since i make all these lists and shit. i started working out and when i do eat it is healthy. but still - THE DRUGS. i just want a normal life. i dont want to stay up till 6am every single night (my other job is at a BAR so i get off at 3-4am anyways).

so i want to flush my adderall, right now. i have a big work weekend coming up and a trip to *a major city* (other home) on monday where i have to dj (total adderall related experience) and work a very very long festival that adderall is ideallll for. basically these two tasks are on my top ten list of places i feel i NEED adderall for. if i flush them i could have a disastrous experience... which would suck because ive been looking forward to this for months. i also need the money and have to last. the only way i want to quit is if for some magical reason my exboyfriend showed up and offerred to stay in bed with me as i recovered. that's the only place in my mind where i feel i have strength. i flushed my adderall once before. for 2 days i couldnt do anything but then it got better.... only this time ive been on it longer and have like NO ONE where i live for support. that thought alone makes me so upset. and the adderall, the adderall numbs that pain and gets me on --- on to hopefully making friends or figuring out how to see my family. i fear that without it, EVERYTHING crumbles and i wont be able to even find support in that case. i know it's rash to just FLUSH IT RIGHT NOW but i feel awful. i need a serious wake up call that's as serious as a face tattoo (if you know what im saying). ive duct tapped my bottle of adderall with impossible amounts of tape, ive hid it from myself, etc. but i always find it. cut the tape open, basically unbury the stuff. while just a little water.... and the beast is done.

i feel like im getting crazier and crazier. im an artsy person but now it's a bit confusing and surreal.

i wish more than anything that i was a millionaire and could go to some big fancy rehab where they'd protest me from myself. i tell my few friends that i need held down and want nothing more than a rehab enviornment to quit and they think im crazy and exaggerating. im not. im not at all. i have no support. i feel insane.

i know - this is a lunatic rant. i just wanna know, should i flush it? even with this crazy work coming up in the next 2 weeks?

[goodgirl804]

Hi sheswithme,

I can't really tell you whether you should flush it or not, but I want you to know that I'm listening. You flushed it before, said it was bad for 2 days but got better.... and your dj gig festival isn't til after the weekend, right? So technically if you flushed them today, you would probably be fine, right? Not saying you should or shouldn't, just trying to get a better picture of whats going on. If it were me, I might be able to flush them, but then the anger/rage/anxiety I would feel afterwards would eat me alive.

I might be assuming that "dj"= "electronic music," but if I'm right, I have some dj friends that will drink red bull (and sometimes mix a little vodka) when they are spinning shows, especially at festivals. Is that an option for you? It wouldn't be adderall, but similar, less harmful, etc

I know what you mean about aging yourself. I found myself saying that as soon as I turned 30, I started looking old, getting wrinkles, dry skin, etc... only recently did I put 2+2 together: that's the same time period that I've been abusing adderall. I've researched a lot and it seems that when you stop using adderall (and start eating more healthy, becoming more hydrated), it can actually reverse the effects of aging it sounds like you've been experiencing.

And those lists you're talking about? I got to the point where I was making lists for everything, even making lists of my lists. I spent SO MUCH time PLANNING how I was going to do things that I never actually got around to DOING any of them.

To flush or not to flush? Only you can make that choice. But from what you write, it sounds like you have a good bit of insight into your problem with adderall. Where are you on the "ready to quit" continuum? How long have you been able to go without adderrall prior to now (like when you flushed your pills last time)?

I did not flush mine. I still have 2 or 3 left. I've been weaning myself off for a week, down to about 5 mg from 60-80. It's hard, but I feel SO much better and I know that when these are gone, I am DONE!

I may not have great advice because I'm really new on here, but feel free to message me if you would like. We all need supper through this.

M

[highonlife]

sheswithme,

You have my full support if you decide to quit. I can tell from what little I have read that you are talented and creative. Adderall is definitely holding you back and you need to quit as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

[Gregs Z]

Sheswithme- It sounds like you live a really hectic life and its gotta be scary to think about flushing your pills down the toilet. I only need to stay on task for 10 hours a day, 4 days a week and not having my adderall then scares me big time. Is it possible you can take a week off and lay low? Just sleep, eat, and do nothing? I know these days that concept is laughable but that might give you a chance to adapt without the addy. I think its cool your a DJ and I bet you gotta be on top of your game to pull off your show. I firmly believe creative people are better off without adderall, the balancing act is tough and the adderall is used to keep organized and on task. Not necessarily to help with the "work". GOOD LUCK.

[Addiejunkie]

I feel the exact same way except you knew exactly how to put in writing the thoughts and emotions that i am currently trying to combat. I flushed my pills this morning and promised myself no excuses. I have a new job oppertunity coming up in the next two weeks but I know that if I can get throught that I can get through anything! Please keep me updated. I wish you the best of luck.